


Eyes Like Honey

by amnosxmatsujun



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2020-12-21 00:54:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 121,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21066065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amnosxmatsujun/pseuds/amnosxmatsujun
Summary: A 33-year-old singleton, Nijishima Kokoro, finds herself at a host club where she meets the club's most popular host, Sakurai Sho. The encounter propels Kokoro to explore a different kind of love as Sho helps Kokoro discover herself.





	1. The Drink

**Author's Note:**

> This story reads like a shoujo manga--it is written in a fictitious first-person narrative where the reader can identify with the protagonist. Please proceed with caution if you are uncomfortable with J&A members having relationships with fictitious female characters.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.  
  
As a teenager, I dreamt of becoming a flight attendant.  
As a 20-something, I hoped to make a difference in the world.  
By 30, I thought I would be happily married.  
And yet, at age 33, here I was, at a male host club with two of my closest girl friends.  
  
Sure, I had a decent career as a hair stylist, but it was starting to feel like a chore rather than a passionate lover I couldn’t wait to discover. Still, it was the only constant in my life and, with how the other aspects of my life were going, my career was just about the only thing worth my time.  
  
“First time, I assume. May I pour you something?”  
  
Golden bangs glowed in the warm, orange lighting, falling over his eyelashes like a curtain begging to be opened to let the gentle breeze in. Inquisitive eyes, fully aware of the hesitation in mine, seemed to scan my whole body for clues. In response, my restless fingers looked for a place to hide, my feet shifted around under the table, and my mind was working overtime trying to focus on something, anything. Anything but this current situation.  
  
“I’m 33.”  
  
_Fuuuuuck..! How did I let Reiko and Juri talk me into coming here?_  
As usual, my stupid mouth was running off as if it had nothing to lose.  
  
Unfazed, he took the empty seat beside me, crossed his legs, and leaned against the back of the sofa.  
  
“Hi, 33. I’m 34.”  
  
Perched beautifully on his face was a gentle smile, eyes full of earnest curiosity. I let out a soft chuckle, and with it, a sigh that relieved tension from my hands. On my palms were nail marks buzzing shyly in the face of a stranger.  
  
“Thanks, I needed that.”  
  
“I know,” he responded as he readied a glass. “And this, too.”  
  
A punch of cognac tickled my nostrils as the citrus scents fluttered about.  
  
“Oh, I’m good with a gin and tonic. Cognac is not my thing.”  
  
_Did he not hear me?_  
34 continued to busy his hands, uninterrupted by my preference.  
  
In a dainty cocktail glass danced a myriad of aromas, the topaz-colored elixir camouflaging in and out of the orange lighting of the room and the amber of the table.  
  
“I hope it’s to your liking.”  
  
“I really am not a fan of cognac,” I restated more clearly.  
  
“How do you know that if you’ve never tried it?”  
  
_I swallow my words. How did he know I’ve never tried cognac?_  
  
\--  
  
On a relatively cold day in May—May 4th, to be exact—I was left to make a choice. A life-changing decision. For three years, I loved one man, a man I thought I would marry. We had found a place in Nishi-Azabu together. We had discussed what color curtains to order, what song to play at our wedding, what kind of life we would lead together.  
  
Then, one day—May 4th, to be exact—he asked me to meet him at a bar, the corner bar where we once laughed about the time he fell off the boat during our first date at the park, the same bar where we had spent hours talking about everything and nothing at the same time.  
  
“I love someone else.”  
  
_So this is what suffocation feels like._  
My eyes felt drier than usual. The rain stammered on the roof and like white noise, it fuzzed and buzzed in my ears. My mind worked overtime trying to focus on something, anything. Anything but this current situation.  
  
_I wanted so much to continue loving him._  
Anything I would have given for him to love me again.  
To forget that other girl and look only at me.  
Those dark brown eyes weren’t supposed to wander away.  
And yet.  
  
“Did you know I got promoted to Assistant Manager?”  
  
It was a self-defense mechanism. As the room spun around me, it was all I could do, to hold onto the one thing I knew wouldn’t run from me. At least my work life stayed intact.  
  
“Could I buy you one last drink?” he apologetically mumbled. “To celebrate your promotion?”  
  
_Why does he get to look hurt? Who is the heartbroken here?_  
I couldn’t bring myself to ask.  
  
“A gin and tonic for her, please. And a Cognac Summit for me.”  
  
A punch of cognac tickled my nostrils as the citrus scents fluttered about.  
_Ah. This is why I don’t like cognac. It smells of him._  
  
\--  
  
“How did you know I’ve never tried cognac?”  
  
“I didn’t,” he said matter-of-factly. “But I’m a pretty good guesser.”  
  
_I’m a rational person, I told myself._  
Everything I’ve learned about the world, I learned with my head.  
I could have said no.  
And yet.  
  
The flavors enraptured my body as the orange liqueur enveloped my tongue. Cognac exhaled through my nostrils in delight, lemon juice still tickling my lips.  
  
“Mmmmm…” It was all I could say.  
  
“That’s a Sidecar, Miss 33.” His eyes seemed to say, “I’m glad you like it.”  
  
Without warning, a tear streamed down my right cheek as searing pain showed its battered head from somewhere underneath my busy career I used as an excuse to cover up the wounds I pretended no longer existed.  
  
“Here.” It was a gingham handkerchief. His eyes, although inquisitive all night, were downcast. They inquired nothing further, and simply waited patiently until I was ready.  
  
“I’ve never enjoyed cognac.” I paused. “But your Sidecar released a painful memory from a wound I thought had already healed.” In fact, it brought a sort of closure I thought I would never get, and the release was intoxicating, addictive, even.  
  
My lips hungered for another sip of the very liquor I thought I hated. The drink in my hand lusted after me and I let it be my lover for the moment.  
  
“A lie will always find a way out,” he assured. His bangs once again covered a part of his eyes.  
  
As I let those words hang in the air, Juri’s hand grabbed my wrist.  
  
“She drank too much again,” she said, as she tipped her head toward Reiko. Here we go again, I thought. Out of us three, she was the only married woman, though it may come as a surprise to many, considering the lifestyle she chooses to lead.  
  
\--  
  
“I’m legally married,” she had said a few years back. “But I’m emotionally single.”  
  
“That doesn’t even make sense, Reiko,” Juri replied, annoyed. “Don’t people get married because they want to spend the rest of their lives with that one person? If you don’t even love your husband, why did you get married in the first place?”  
  
“To be honest, I don’t know. I thought I loved him.”  
  
“At least you’re married! I can’t even find a decent guy, let alone a one night stand!” Juri exclaimed.  
  
“Reiko, you’re not spending enough time nurturing the relationship. If you don’t make it a priority, it’s going to fall apart,” I said, concerned.  
  
_There I go, patronizing her like I have my shit together._  
Who’s laughing now?  
  
\--  
  
“Hold on,” I told Juri.  
  
_No._  
I can’t leave here without thanking him.  
  
The warm hues in my cocktail glass seemed to whisper to me a secret. My senses, tantalized by its mystery, accepted defeat as my lips parted to let it take control.  
  
“You’re welcome,” he said, as I finished the last drop.  
  
“…”  
  
For the first time in a long while, I felt completely vulnerable. I felt him find his way into a part of my past I had tried to forget. Strong, lightly tanned fingers reached for my now empty glass as his head gave a humble bow. With a single cocktail, he had figured me out like no other man had. And yet, I hardly knew a thing about him.  
  
“Wait… you have a name, don’t you?” I manage to ask.  
  
“Hey! Are you done, Kokoro? I can’t carry her by myself!” Reiko hung over on Juri’s shoulder like heavy tapestry.  
  
“S-Sorry,” I stammered, and got up to help.  
  
A couple sighs later, Juri and I made our way to the exit, Reiko dragging behind, blowing kisses back at her favorite host.  
  
“They think I’m drunk! I’ll be back, Toma!” she shouted into my ear.  
  
_I never got his name…_  
  
“Oh, god! I need to pay!” Flustered, I fumbled around my purse for my wallet.  
  
“The Sidecar is on me, Miss Kokoro.” My fingers stop moving at the sound of my name as the same inquisitive eyes meet with my hesitant pair. My face burns with heat, and I wonder whether that cognac was catching up with me.  
  
“Pray you’ll come by again,” he bowed. “If not for my company, then for another drink.”  
  
\--  
  
The soft, morning light tickled my face. I peek at the alarm clock. 9:20am. Thank god it’s Sunday, I sigh. After a long stretch and a couple of wrestling moves with the covers, I suddenly recall the events from the night before.  
  
_“A lie will always find a way out.”_  
  
His words still hung like a word bubble clouding my judgment.  
  
“34…” I mumbled, half asleep. There was something about him. I couldn’t get him off my mind. Mysterious, intuitive, and addictive, he was just like the drink he had made me.  
  
Without thinking, I licked my lips as the morning air filled my lungs. I thirsted for the magic, that cathartic potion glowing invitingly in that dim light. Imitations and gimmicks would no longer do.  
  
_I have to see him again._  
Only he can satiate the desire within.  
  
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.


	2. The Second Hit

“It was just a drink, Kokoro,” Juri replied. “Never mind that. You tell me why your mind was drifting back to that asshole Ryota.”  
  
“It wasn’t ‘just’ a drink. It was the most poetic thing I’ve experienced!” I clearly didn’t care to remark on the latter part of Juri’s concern.  
  
Actually, it was more than that. The mysterious elixir had begun to consume my every thought. I wake up entranced by the aroma it left on my nose, and at night, dream of it swirling down my throat like a divine drug. And surely, it was. If not a drug, what? If not a drug, why the need for more?  
  
A hand waved vigorously in front of my face. “Hello?? Did you not hear a word I said?”  
  
I hadn’t. “Sorry, my mind was elsewhere.”  
  
“Is it really about a drink?” Juri narrowed her eyes. “Because you seemed quite taken by that host. What was his name again?”  
  
_Is it really about a drink? What is she even saying?_  
Of course, it’s about a drink. THE drink, to be exact.  
Taken by the host? What, 34?  
Entertaining women is his job and not my business.  
Sorry, but I’ve just about had it with men in general.  
  
“Uh, I don’t know.”  
  
“Excuse me? You spent hours with a guy and you didn’t even get his name?” Juri said in disbelief.  
  
“Fine, do you remember yours?” I said indignantly.  
  
“Naoto. He’s only the second most popular host there.”  
_Great. Foot in mouth. Again._  
  
I traced my memory for clues. Did he have a nametag? Had he mentioned it in passing during our conversation?  
  
“Sorry, Juri. I don’t even think he introduced himself,” I said, feeling defeated. “But does it matter? I’m talking about the drink.”  
  
“Kokoro, please. Alcohol is a social lubricant. It’s merely an enabler.” Juri continued to grill me for my lack of social etiquette and ended her argument with a dagger.  
  
“You can fall in love with a drink if you want to, but it won’t love you back.”  
  
\--  
  
It was an unusually pleasant night for late July. Another long workday behind me, I felt accomplished. Hung heavily in the sky was a tired moon, burdened with the weight of the world. As I watched it emanate an orange glow, I was once again reminded of that heavenly place his drink had taken me. It had been about a month since I had last tasted its intoxicating flavors and yet, my lips still lusted for another affair. It's not so easy trying to forget a drink so divine and an experience so sacred.  
  
Instead of taking my usual route home, I decided to be adventurous and take the long, scenic route. Busyness can sometimes deny your senses the pleasures abundant in the world. What a shame to rob someone of that. It was high time I pampered myself.  
  
Alongside the bay, the ferris wheel screamed and shouted for attention with its booming colors and sounds. Beside it, business buildings twinkled as one by one, the lights inside each window flickered off. It was good night for the city, and as men and women in suits hurried home, I felt so distant from the hustle-bustle of the moment. It was freeing. I wondered why I had never thought to reward myself like this.  
  
After about thirty minutes of walking, I decided to find a familiar bench by the water. A sense of calm fell over me as the passing breeze combed through my hair.  
_I could stay here all night._  
  
Click.  
  
Nearby, I hear the sound of a camera.  
  
Click.  
  
Wondering where it was coming from, I got up to look around.  
  
By the waterside, a man looked intently through the lenses of his camera as if he were afraid of missing something important if he took a break to blink. Those golden bangs… The response was physical. On a moment's notice, my face flushed a vibrant red, the blood reaching my head again as I started feeling warm all over. It became harder to breathe with each inhale, and there was a haze in my brain. As if my legs had a mind of their own, they started carrying the rest of my body toward him, nearing him every step I took. What had taken control of me? I couldn't even understand my own actions.  
  
“…Excuse me?”  
  
“…?”  
_There they were, those inquisitive eyes from that fated night. There is no mistaking those._  
  
“Do you remember me?”  
  
“…?” A slight smirk I couldn’t comprehend crossed a full set of supple lips I failed to notice the other night.  
  
“S-Sorry, god, I’m so embarrassed. What am I doing…” Realizing the situation—a customer speaking to a night club host completely out of context—I bite my tongue and fear the inevitable awkward silence, followed by the awkward goodbye.  
  
“Of course I remember you, Miss Kokoro,” he said, bowing politely. “Or should I say, Miss 33?”  
  
“I just continue embarrassing myself, don’t I…” I should have quit while I was still ahead. And yet, a part of me was relieved to know I wasn’t a complete stranger to him.  
  
"I do this in my free time," he said casually. He looked at his camera, then at me, and raised the hand which held it.  
  
"Oh." For being someone with a verbose mind, my mouth is embarrassingly unskilled at saying anything.  
  
"Want to see?" he asks. Curious, I manage an awkward nod.  
  
Rolling up his sleeves as he smiled back at my accepting his invitation, he walked up beside me and started to search through some of his harvest from tonight. Our bodies now only inches apart, he gave off a dangerously erotic scent, citrus overtones dancing over robust, spicy amber. His resemblance to the unforgettable drink was uncanny. Exposed forearms were glimmering a bit in the moonlight from sweat, and it accentuated the striations of the muscles he obviously did not neglect. The top button of his shirt was undone and his bare skin flirted with my glances, tempting me to lean in closer.  
  
The second dose hit even stronger than the first.  
  
"This is one of my favorite places to shoot," he grinned. The curiosity in his eyes brimmed with excitement like a child on Christmas day. He leaned in even closer to show me a photo of a boy wading by the water. The skyline reflected in the rippling water, undulating to the rhythm of the dance the boy was performing.  
  
"I never knew the skyline could look so playful," I said softly, the end of the sentence trailing off as I looked up to lock a gaze with big, round eyes twinkling with delight. They seemed to agree and inquire, "Want to see more?"  
  
Not realizing I hadn't blinked for a good 15-20 seconds, I let in an audible inhale and cast my gaze downward. There was a sort of magnetic quality to his eyes, and it was hard to look away.  
  
\--  
  
"I'm really sorry, Kokoro. But please don't hate me. I didn't mean for this to happen."  
  
I must have read that text message a million times. There were so many questions. What are you sorry about? Am I not allowed to I hate you? Why did you let it happen, then? Ryota had a habit of making me feel like the culprit. After I left that bar without having touched the gin and tonic he had ordered for me, I took the long way home and tried to take my mind off the fact that the world I knew had crumbled before my eyes.  
  
I remember walking the same path, stopping at the same bench by the bay. The same colors reflecting in the water looked a lot more cynical then, mocking my loneliness with a sequence of hues, refusing to give me the quiet I needed.  
  
But the funny thing about life is, memories are not stagnant things independent of one another. They evolve and mature. Painful recollections can metamorphose into beautiful moments. Once again, I owed this unintended closure to one man and his drink.  
  
\--  
  
“Did you not like it?” he asked. Lost in thought, I had forgotten that my gaze was no longer on his photo.  
  
“I’m sorry.” With eagerness in my eyes, I assured him that that wasn’t the case.  
  
But in return, he tantalized with a mysterious smile. Then, looking at his watch, he seemed to have come to a decision.  
  
“It’s getting late.” He looked up at the stars.  
  
“I’m sorry! I interrupted you…” I was full of apologies tonight.  
  
“I’ll walk you home.”  
  
“Wh…no, no. It’s okay. I can make it back myself.”  
  
He inched in closer, camera around his neck and hands in his pockets, bowed down and peeked up at me. There was no use fighting it; I returned the gaze.  
  
“I knew you were that kind of girl,” he said with a profound look in his eyes.  
  
_What does that mean?_  
  
He straightened upright and turned his back toward me. “What’s wrong with letting someone take care of you, Miss Kokoro?”  
  
“…”  
  
Once again, he had hit a nerve. And he was right. After Ryota, I refused help from anyone. I can take care of myself, thank you very much, I had reassured myself time and time again. How was this instance any different from the rest?  
  
“Come on.” And just like that, he started to walk ahead. Left with no choice, I shuffled my feet to catch up to him.  
  
  
My home was about 20 minutes away by foot, just long enough to share a few conversations, I thought. But for most of it, 34 didn’t say much. Which was fine, too, because I didn’t really know what we’d talk about, anyway. Each step he took was poised, controlled, and deliberate, making it seem as though he was leading and didn’t need any directions from me. He slowed his pace to match mine so that we could walk side by side.  
  
“Kokoro…?”  
  
A lump in my throat so uncomfortable I could barely breathe. I know this voice. The door closed shut behind him, sealing and containing our past memories inside the corner bar. Of all the different routes I could have suggested to get home, I had carelessly decided on this one tonight.  
  
_What the hell is he doing here?_  
Does he still frequent this place without me?  
Why am I letting him affect me still?  
  
I look away as my mind begins to work overtime trying to focus on something, anything. Anything but this current situation.  
  
“Is this the cognac guy?”  
  
_Excuse me?_  
  
His inquisitive eyes glimmered with curiosity. Scanning me for clues, he seemed to find the information he was looking for. Before I could make sense of the chaos, strong fingers found their way between mine, weaving gently through. The warmth from his hand sent a sensation bolting up my spine. My heart started to thump against my ribcage, sending too much blood up to my head.  
  
“Who are you?” Ryota’s eyes shifted away from me and to the man now holding my hand.  
  
“Why? Are you curious?” he politely provoked. His lips were smiling but his eyes told a different story.  
  
“Let’s go, Kokoro.”  
  
And with that, he gently tugged my hand and my body followed, leaving Ryota behind. His grip was firm, unwavering, and resolute.  
  
  
“You okay?” he asked, a few minutes later.  
  
Still in disbelief at the series of events unfolding, incoherent sounds were all I could muster. So instead, I looked his way, wide-eyed and wanting answers. Noticing it was perhaps a good time to clarify things, he parked his feet, turned my way, and slowly let go of my hand.  
  
“That was the cognac guy, wasn’t he?”  
  
“How did you know that?”  
  
He raised his eyebrows and curled his lips upward. “I told you I’m a good guesser.”  
  
Head spinning and feeling dizzy, I had no chance of responding to his clever remark. Although the encounter with Ryota was unwelcomed and unpleasant, there was an exhilarating sensation in my racing heart as if I had come out victorious from a battle I didn’t even know I was fighting. Feeling completely exposed and vulnerable yet again, I realized that no drinks had facilitated this emotional release.  
  
_Was Juri right all along?_  
Was it ‘just’ a drink?  
  
“You got an hour or two?” he invited.  
  
“…Excuse me?”  
  
“You look like you need a drink. I hope I’m decent company.”  
  
Before I could reply, he began leading the way. Like a lost ship at sea, I followed where the light took me.


	3. Imitations and Gimmicks

"Where are we going?"  
  
It was the third time tonight that I had let him make decisions for me and this time, I didn't have a clue where I would be spending the next few hours.  
  
"You'll know in a bit," he said over his shoulder.  
  
_Wanna bet?_  
At this point, I was pretty sure I knew nothing about what the rest of the night would bring.  
  
Next to a park was a narrow path, a downhill walkway that was only wide enough for one person to pass at any given time. If another person were to come up toward us, we would have to turn and walk sideways. I wasn't quite sure why I continued to follow him. In hindsight, it's been like this since I met him. I didn't want the Sidecar he made me. Or at least, I thought I didn't. I didn't need him to walk me home. Or at least, I thought I didn't. I don't need him to keep me company after running into Ryota. Or at least, I thought I didn't.  
  
At the end of the path was a quaint bar, a hideaway of sorts, void of any white noise and distractions of the world.  
  
"After you, Miss Kokoro." He opened the door and waited for me to walk in first.  
  
“Good evening. Ah! Mr. Sakurai!" An older man, perhaps in his late 50s, gave a little bow as he dried off some wine glasses. A younger man, mid-20s at most, heard the greeting and popped his head out from the kitchen.  
  
"Sakurai sempai! It's been a while!" Flashing a perfect smile, he wiped his hands on his apron and bowed politely.  
  
_34 is “Mr. Sakurai”...?_  
  
At the abrupt knowledge of his real name, my widened eyes looked straight at the subject of conversation.  
  
"Mr. Yamashiro. Hayato. Long time, no see. This is Miss Kokoro."  
  
The older man glanced over at me, gave a polite smile, and looked back at 34.  
  
"Miss Kokoro, it's a pleasure to meet you. Have a seat."  
  
Like clockwork, 34 pulled out the seat nearest me and gestured for me to sit.  
  
_He's gotten a lot of practice pampering women like this, I bet.  
No wonder he's a successful host._  
  
Mr. Hayato grinned and gave me a bow before heading back into the kitchen.  
  
"What would you like to drink, Miss Kokoro?" Mr. Yamashiro asked.  
  
"Oh, um... a Sidecar, please." It was the first cognac cocktail I willing ordered for myself in my entire life.  
  
"Looks like that really left an impression on you," 34 smiled.  
  
_You have no idea.  
It consumes my every thought.  
I'm addicted to it and my friends think I'm nuts._  
Of course I couldn't say that.  
  
"Yes, quite..."  
  
" I'll have a bourbon, neat, in a traditional Glencairn. Your recommendation.”  
  
"You got it."  
  
I anticipated the punch of cognac to tickle my nostrils and for the citrus scents to flutter about. I ordered the same drink as the one he had made me that night, after all. My body in withdrawal, it longed for the scent. And yet, the yearning was unrequited and unrewarded.  
  
"Here you are, your Sidecar and a Four Roses Black Label 80° for you, Mr. Sakurai," Mr. Yamashiro said, as he presented both drinks.  
  
The colors in the cocktail glass were dull and succumbed to ennui, and there was nothing magical or enchanting about it. I blink vigorously a few times. _Maybe it's my eyes._  
  
"Are you not going to have any?" he asked. His inquisitive eyes had noticed my hesitation yet again.  
  
"Sorry, I was just thinking about something."  
  
I pick up the glass and let the drink touch my lips and fill my nostrils. Anticipation had met disappointment. Lackluster and boring, my body refused to have any more. I pursed my lips and put the glass down.  
  
_I knew I hated cognac.  
Juri was right. It was 'just' a drink._  
  
"Not what you expected?" He put his bourbon down and turned toward me in his seat.  
  
I shook my head in disbelief. "I guess I don't like cognac after all."  
  
Picking up my cocktail glass, he observed the swirling colors and put his nose to the rim to inhale the aromas. He put the drink back on the counter and stood up.  
  
"Mr. Yamashiro? I'm coming in."  
  
My eyes followed him as he made his way to the other side of the counter, rolled up his sleeves again, and opened a bottle of the same cognac Mr. Yamashiro had used.  
  
A punch of cognac tickled my nostrils as the citrus scents fluttered about.  
  
_There it is.  
But, why?_  
  
I just watched Mr. Yamashiro make me the exact same thing. Why is it so different? Why do I long for this one? Why does my whole body desire it?  
  
"Your Sidecar, Miss Kokoro." The same gentle smile from that unforgettable night lit his face. In a dainty cocktail glass danced a myriad of aromas, the topaz-colored elixir camouflaging in and out of the warm lighting of the room and the amber of the countertop.  
  
Just like that night. This was it. This was what I wanted.  
  
I remembered it perfectly. The flavors once again enraptured my body as the orange liqueur enveloped my tongue. Cognac exhaled through my nostrils in delight, lemon juice still tickling my lips.  
  
"Mmmmm..." It was all I could say.  
  
His eyes seemed to say, “I’m glad you like it.” Everything was just like that night. The magic elixir danced in my mouth, celebrating the end of my sober streak.  
  
"But..."  
  
"Why is it different?" he finished my sentence.  
  
Nodding, I am amazed yet again at his observational skills and his mysterious ability to know what I was thinking. Just then, Mr. Yamashiro headed back toward us after having tended to another customer. He immediately noticed that I had in my hand a drink that he didn't make.  
  
"Was the Sidecar not to your liking, Miss Kokoro?"  
  
Feeling awful and embarrassed, I tried my best to come up with an excuse. It was a futile effort.  
  
"She may have imprinted on my Sidecar." 34 looked at me with a cryptic smile, then let out a short, hearty laugh as he looked at the bar owner. As if he sensed out the whole situation, Mr. Yamashiro gave a humbling look, then removed the drink he had made from the counter.  
  
"You know, Miss Kokoro. A good drink is not merely a drink. It is an experience of the mind and body, a journey," Mr. Yamashiro stated. "There's more to a drink than how it's made. Have you ever wondered why it's his Sidecar you desire?"  
  
_His_ Sidecar? I hadn’t thought of it like that before. What made his drink so special? At the thought of him within earshot of this conversation, I shake my head, not knowing how to answer such a prodding question.  
  
"Because compatibility is everything," 34 suddenly interjected.  
  
"Exactly so," Mr. Yamashiro nodded. "He must know something about you that I do not. Mixing drinks is an art. You can't simply follow a recipe for a cocktail and expect the recipient to enjoy it. In the drink is a mix of emotions, carefully selected thoughts to provoke and inquire the state of the imbiber's heart. When there's compatibility, there is emotional release. That's what makes a certain drink so magical, like a drug that calls to you."  
  
Mr. Yamashiro had just defined the Sidecar in one, succinct insight, and the memories from that night came crashing down like a wave. I now understood why it had to be his. From the first meeting, he had somehow understood that closure is what I needed, and that a cognac cocktail was the proper neutralizer to silence the very thing that had once destroyed me. Those inquisitive eyes seemed to see through that which I tried to keep hidden. Yes, indeed, his was an addictive drug.  
  
34 returned to his seat beside me and took another sip of his bourbon.  
  
"Looks like no one else can satisfy you," he teased, his eyes still on his drink. His voice was low and raspy; it was getting late and there was a slight fatigue in his words.  
  
Face burning with embarrassment, I take another sip of his Sidecar to keep my mouth busy.  
  
"I used to work here," he changed the subject. "Mr. Yamashiro took me in as a young bartender when I didn't know much about the art. Hayato started working here the year I decided to become a nightclub host. My roots are here, so I try to visit often and say hi."  
  
"...What?" It was information overload. I didn't even know where to start. Just then, Mr. Hayato walked out of the kitchen, dish in hand.  
  
“Sakurai sempai, this is my latest creation. Could I get your input?” he smiled nervously. “Oh, Miss Kokoro. Please try some, too.”  
  
The dish was bursting with vibrant colors and looked like a jewelry box that only showed up in fairytales. It was almost too pretty to eat.  
  
“This is a tomato and peach terrine. Usually, a terrine is a meat dish. But, since we just got a fresh order of peaches from the local farm, I decided to get creative and make it with fruits,” Mr. Hayato explained.  
  
I waited for 34 to take the first bite, but instead, glanced over and slid the plate in front of me.  
  
“Ladies first,” he smiled. His chivalry was so natural and uncalculated that the recipient could do nothing else but accept it.  
  
I took a bite and a smile broke loose.  
  
“Wow…! Mr. Hayato, this is delicious! I didn’t think this combination would work, but the tomato doesn’t overwhelm the gentler flavors of the peach. I think you could put it on the menu. I know I’d order it!” I praised. Then, turning to 34, I passed the plate and gave him a big smile. “You have to try it.”  
  
The corner of his mouth curled up ever so slightly, his brown eyes scanning my expression.  
  
“I’ve never seen you so animated,” he said as he picked up his fork. “You didn’t react like this when I made you your Sidecar.”  
  
_…Wait, is he jealous?_  
  
As if to tease me, he looked at the drink on the counter and called me by a nickname he knew would bring the blood to my cheeks.  
  
"By the way, how is that Sidecar, Miss 33?"  
  
_That's unfair.  
Every conversation with him so far has gone his way._  
  
“First of all, ‘Mr. Sakurai’, I didn’t even know your name until just moments ago, and that wasn’t because you introduced yourself to me, no. It’s because someone else did.”  
  
“Neither did you.”  
He reminded that had it not been for Juri, he wouldn’t have known my name, either.  
_Great. Foot in mouth. Again._  
  
He smiled gently. “I’m sorry, I should have introduced myself.”  
  
“I-It’s fine…” I didn’t expect an apology. Now, I felt rude for accusing him.  
  
“I’m Sakurai Sho. I go by ‘Sho’ at the host club.”  
  
“…I’m Nijishima Kokoro.” It’s social etiquette to return a proper introduction with my own, after all. _Sakurai Sho._ I repeated his name in my head.  
  
Unfazed, he repeated his question. “How is that Sidecar, Miss 33?”  
  
_Well, that self-introduction didn’t serve its purpose._  
  
Still, if there was one thing I couldn’t deny, it was the drink. "It's incredible," I sigh. "I'm afraid no other will do."  
  
"Then, don't lust after anyone else’s," he responded plainly. Then, leaning in closer as if to whisper a secret, he said in a low, airy voice, "Not like you'll be able to, anyway."  
  
His cologne swept across my nose as his voice boomed in my ears. I was caught in his trap and the scary part was, I found myself not wanting to break free. His mystery had a firm grip on me.  
  
Then, all of a sudden, a strange thought crossed my mind. It slipped out of my lips before I could stop the words.  
  
"Why did you quit your job as a bartender?"  
  
"Hm?" He picked up his glass, swirled it in his hand, then finished the last bit of his drink. "It's not important."  
  
For a split second, he cast his eyes downward and in that moment, I could sense a deep pain within.  
  
_Just who is this man?_  
I still knew nothing about him.  
  
“I’m going to head to the restroom really quick. I’ll walk you home after that, so stay put,” he ordered.  
  
Left alone, I stared at the empty cocktail glass. Every sip was divine, every exhale full of energy, every moment so unforgettable. Caught in its spell, I closed my eyes and let the potion take control of my thoughts. It evoked thoughts foreign to me, indecent thoughts of lust and passion, of carnal pleasures. I take a deep inhale to rationalize and negate these prurient cravings, but the aphrodisiac had already seized my mind.  
  
“Miss Kokoro?” Mr. Hayato called. Like being snapped awake after hypnosis, I shake my head and come back to my senses.  
  
“Yes? Sorry, I was deep in thought.”  
  
“Thanks for your input earlier. I’ll talk to the owner about adding it to our seasonal menu,” he grinned.  
  
“Oh, that. I was just being honest; it really was delightful. Thanks for letting me try some.”  
  
“So, how do you know Sakurai sempai?” he asked, genuine curiosity written on his face.  
  
“Oh, uh…” _Come on, Kokoro. You can’t possibly tell him we met at his host club._  
  
“Let me guess: the host club?” His eyes glittered at the possibility that he may be right.  
  
“…How did you know?” I asked, impressed and slightly embarrassed that he was on point.  
  
Mr. Hayato, now victorious, looked even more excited. “Sakurai sempai is a great guesser, isn’t he? He has psychic powers or something. I admire and look up to him, so I’ve been trying to get better at guessing things about people.”  
  
I admired his determination. “Well, I think you’re well on your way,” I commended.  
  
“But this is big news.” Mr. Hayato leaned on the bar counter, bewildered look on his face.  
  
“What is?”  
  
“This is the first time I’ve seen Sakurai sempai with a woman.”  
  
I giggle at his naivety. “Mr. Hayato. He’s a nightclub host. He’s always with at least one woman.”  
  
“That’s different. Work is work. Sakurai sempai doesn’t date any of his clients.”  
  
“D-Date?! Oh, n-no, no. This isn’t a date.” Flustered, I stutter my way through the sentences.  
  
“But I know you’re someone special,” Mr. Hayato affirmed. “I’ve never seen him with a woman outside of business.”  
  
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard,” I reply. _How could a man like that not have his pick among the sea of women lined up out his door?_  
  
“I may not be as skilled a guesser as Sakurai sempai, but— ” Footsteps interrupt the conversation.  
  
“You two better be saying good things about me.” 34 returned to his seat, curious eyes looking into mine.  
  
“I like her,” Mr. Hayato smiled at 34.  
  
He chuckles. “Me, too.”  
  
“Oh, I see,” I nod. “This is how you talk to all your female clients. Pretty impressive.”  
_You’re not going to trick me._  
  
Flashing his mysterious smile again, he put his forefinger on his lips, caressing them seductively.  
  
“What makes you think that?”  
  
_Just who is this man?_  
I could feel the indecent thoughts cloud my judgment again.  
And this time, I knew I couldn’t blame it on his drink.


	4. The Second Visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Akatsuki means 'dawn' or 'moment of daybreak'

The night sky was starting to make way for the sun by the time we left the bar. It was almost 5:00AM when we arrived at my suburban apartment.  
  
“It’s this one,” I said, pointing to a relatively new apartment building. I’ve never lived an extravagant life and I was no millionaire, but I did pride myself for being able to take care of myself. Ever since I moved out of Ryota’s place, I was determined to be good to myself, to live a comfortable life.  
  
He looked up the tall edifice, then at me. “All right,” he combed his fingers through his hair. “That’s my cue.” He bowed courteously to bid farewell.  
  
My heart pounded against my chest, a loud march of indecent thoughts thumping loudly again in my head, silencing the quiet, rational mind.  
_You just spent a whole night with this man.  
Let him get some sleep.  
Stop thinking about asking him up to your room._  
  
“Wait…” It was all I could say to stop the night from ending.  
  
“Hm?” His eyebrows raised, he waited for me to finish my thought.  
  
I racked my brain for something to say, but clearly, I didn’t think the thought through. As if he knew, he moved closer to me, hands in his pockets.  
  
“Were you thinking about inviting me up to your room?”  
  
The question hit bullseye. Stunned, I was lost for words and an explanation.  
  
“That’s unlike you, isn’t it?”  
  
His second question also hit bullseye. _How does he know that about me?_  
  
“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” he answered for me. Then, positioning his face only inches away from mine, he looked me straight in the eye and stated, “I don’t date any of my clients.”  
  
Standing back up straight, he waited for me to collect my thoughts. “Good night, Miss Kokoro. I had a lot of fun tonight. Was I decent company?”  
  
_What was this, a trick question?_  
  
I nodded shyly, casting my gaze down at his feet. I give an awkward wave with my hand as I punch in the access code for the front door. Once inside, I saw him give his gentle smile as the elevator doors closed to take me to the 14th floor. With an exhale, I released the tension in my shoulders and the passion that possessed me just moments ago. _What are you doing, Kokoro?_ His smile burning a permanent image in my mind, I almost forget to step off the elevator, pressing the open button once more to exit onto an empty floor leading to an empty apartment.  
  
\--  
  
"Wait... you spent a whole night with him and nothing happened?!" Reiko stared at me in disbelief. "I would have at least gone to second base."  
  
"Not all women want sex, Reiko," rebutted Juri. It was another girls' night out at our usual izakaya, and we were already two or three drinks in by the time I mentioned that night with Mr. Sakurai Sho.  
  
"Oh, please. ALL women want sex. Some just hide it better." Reiko was firm in her stance.  
  
Juri took a swig of her beer and looked over at me. "So? What happened then, if you didn't have sex with him?"  
  
I went through the events from the night, how I had serendipitously ran into him by the water, how he saved me from Ryota, and how the drink had released me once again. The only details I left out were that he was once a bartender, and that there was something dark hidden underneath his becoming looks and mysterious smile.  
  
This time, Juri was more supportive. "His was that different, huh? I didn't know not all drinks are created equal."  
  
"I can't quite explain what happens to me when I drink something he's made," I cock my head to the side, confused. "It's like something taking over, like it controls my body, my thoughts."  
  
"But wait, hang on," Reiko leaned in, curiosity piquing. “The reason he didn’t come up to your room was because he doesn’t date any of his clients, right? Then, don't be one of his clients! Problem solved. Then, you can have sex with him all you want!"  
  
Juri shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Must everything lead to sex? Maybe he’s a gentleman and doesn’t force sex on a first date.”  
  
“No, it wasn’t even a dat—” I couldn’t even finish my sentence.  
  
“We haven't even confirmed with Kokoro yet,” Juri asserted.  
  
"Fine. Kokoro, so, do you like him or not?"  
  
The question caught me mid-sip and off-guard. Reiko wasn't completely wrong; there was an element of lust I couldn't ignore. It was confusing yet exhilarating, and the thought of him made my heart race, adrenaline pushing through my whole body.  
  
"...I don't know," I answered, not completely sure.  
  
"See, she didn't fully deny it!" Reiko pointed at Juri like she had won the argument.  
  
"That's risky, Kokoro." Juri, as sensible as ever, gave a warning. "He's a nightclub host. He's no marriage material, I mean... do you even know if he's single?"  
  
I couldn't answer that question.  
  
"Who said anything about getting married?! I just want Kokoro to enjoy life, you know?" Reiko chimed in.  
  
"Does it look like I lead a sad life?" I questioned jokingly.  
  
Immediately, Reiko's eyes widened as she vigorously shook her head. "I didn't mean it like that, Kokoro. We're just worried. You haven't really been yourself since Ryota, and it's been over two years since that incident."  
  
_Wow, it's been that long?_ I sigh at the realization.  
  
"But I can't stand to see you get hurt again, either," Juri said defiantly. "I don't want you getting involved with someone who pleases multiple women a night for a living."  
  
"Don't you think she's looking much better though? I feel like her aura's changed." Reiko was into that sort of supernatural thing.  
  
Juri fixed her bangs. It was something she did when she was nervous. "That may be true, but you don't even know much about him, do you?"  
  
"Well, no..." Juri was right. _Let's be honest, Kokoro. You didn't even know his name until a few days ago._  
  
Juri crossed her arms and nodded. "My point exactly."  
  
"Well, that's an easy fix," Reiko butted in. "You can get to know him better. Let's all go to the host club again!" she exclaimed excitedly.  
  
"You just want to see Toma," Juri shrugged.  
  
"So? It'll still serve its purpose. I'll go for Toma, and Kokoro can see Sho again. How about this Friday?"  
  
"Well, I'd love to join you, but I need to present at a conference that night," Juri said. She was an animal rights activist and was always speaking at such events.  
  
"What about you?" Reiko looked at me and raised her eyebrows.  
  
"I think I'm free that night," I said as I checked my schedule.  
  
"Well, then, it's set!" Reiko clapped happily. "I promise I won't drink as much as last time. I have to make sure Kokoro doesn't get herself into trouble!"  
  
"Let's see who gets in trouble first..." Juri shook her head. "Kokoro, be careful. Nightclub hosts are suave with their words and enchanting with their looks, but smooth talkers are also the heartbreakers," she warned again.  
  
"It'll just be another visit to the host club, no expectations attached. Besides, he doesn't date his clients, remember?"  
  
"Smooth talkers are also good liars." Blame it on her profession: Juri was very slow to trust, and she reminded me on multiple occasions that I was 'too gullible and trusting'. This instance was no different.  
  
"Thanks for looking out for me," I smiled. I know she meant well.  
  
Sometimes, I wondered how the three of us became such close friends. Our backgrounds and values were all so different, and yet, we just seemed to work together, complementing strengths and filling in for one another where we fell short. It was always refreshing being with them, in spite of Juri's overprotective, motherly scolding and Reiko's free-spirited, vulgar ways. I truly appreciated their company.  
  
"You call me if you need me to talk you out of something," Juri insisted.  
  
Nodding, I take a gulp of my beer. Despite Juri's warning, I found myself wanting to see him and my heart danced at the thought. I had set off his trap and he had a firm hold of me. Friday couldn't come sooner.  
  
\--  
  
"Reiko? Sorry, go ahead without me. I'm stuck at the salon trying to fix some numbers. I'll join you as soon as I'm done."  
  
It was the much-awaited Friday night, but quarterly reviews were just around the corner and it was my job as Assistant Manager to type up the employee sales records.  
  
"All right, but hurry. I reserved Toma and Sho as our hosts but they can't wait forever."  
  
"Okay, I'll try my best to be out of here quick!"  
  
Our reservation was for 8:30PM, but by the time I arrived at the host club, I was 45 minutes late. I climbed down the stairs to the basement level to get to the door. Beside it were framed photos of the hosts that I didn't notice the first time. They were placed in order of popularity, and only went down to 5th place. Curious, I look to see who took 1st.  
  
_...34?!_  
  
I couldn't believe my eyes. There he was, his mysterious smile and all, staring back at me. _He's the most popular host...?_ Suddenly, the magic about him made sense, his charm and allure simplified down to one photo on the wall.  
  
Realizing what I had gotten myself into, I hesitated to open the door. I could still turn back, I thought.  
  
_“What’s wrong with letting someone take care of you, Miss Kokoro?”_  
  
I could hear his inviting voice ricocheting around in my mind. Realizing he could control my actions even without being physically present, I accepted my defeat and walked in.  
  
The same orange lighting welcomed me as available hosts lined up to greet me. I surveyed their faces but 34 was not among them.  
  
"May I take your coat, miss?" A young host bowed and held out his arms.  
  
"T-Thank you." I took out my cell phone in an attempt to call Reiko, but she found me before I could even unlock my screen.  
  
"Kokoro~!" She got up from her seat and scurried over to get me. "Over here."  
  
In a corner sofa were two hosts, one I recall and another whose face I couldn't recognize.  
  
"This is Toma, as you know. And this is Ren," Reiko introduced.  
  
"Where's 3...I mean, Sho?" I corrected myself. It was strange calling him by his real name.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, Kokoro. He waited as long as he could, but he's so popular! Some other patron snatched him up,” Reiko explained apologetically.  
  
Just then, I heard a group of women laughing, clinking their drinks together and enjoying jovial banter. In the spotlight, there he was, four women congregating around, two on either side of him. He had just told a joke, it seems, and the women gobbled it up like candy. One of the women linked her arm around his and rested her head on his shoulder, and he pet her head playfully.  
  
Something surged through me, a green monster devouring my rational thoughts. I bit the inside of my cheeks to calm down, and, with effort, looked away.  
  
"Kokoro? You okay?" I heard Reiko's concerned voice. "Come on, let's sit."  
  
"Miss Kokoro? I'm Ren. What shall I make for you to start?"  
  
"A gin and tonic." _You can't mess that up, can you?_  
  
\--  
  
"Another gin and tonic, Ren."  
  
On my side of the table were three, empty glasses, all gin and tonics, that left me thirsty and craving something more, a more robust body, something deeper. At his table, the banter continued as the women threw themselves at #1 host, Sho. He entertained them like a true gentleman, meeting their requests to the best of his ability. Although I couldn't make out their conversation, it was clear the women were having a good time. A great time, actually. While I chugged on gin and tonics, the other women got to sip on the divine cocktails he made and receive the full attention every woman deserves from a man like him. It was nearing 11:00PM and everyone knows that even cheap thrills like unsatisfactory drinks can catch up to you if you drink enough of them.  
  
_"Nightclub hosts are suave with their words and enchanting with their looks, but smooth talkers are also the heartbreakers."_  
I could hear Juri's voice clearly now. As I pondered on her advice, a question interrupted my train of thought.  
  
"Excuse me, are you Miss Kokoro?" Another host arrived at our table and squatted down to eye level.  
  
"Y...es?"  
  
With a bow, the host handed me a business card. One side was a hologram, a dazzling onyx hue. I moved it in my hand and stared for a few moments.  
  
_Host Club Akatsuki  
Sho_, it read.  
  
_...What is this?_ I turn the card over to the other side. There, handwritten in the same onyx hue, was a message.  
  
_"Meet me outside in 30 minutes. Wait for me at the top of the stairs."_  
  
I turn my head toward his table. He was still entertaining the same four women, not a single hint of boredom on his face. The women looked like they were staying put, not looking to leave anytime soon. Was this message really from him? Even if it were, it didn’t seem like he'd be able to keep his word.  
  
"Reiko? I'm getting a bit tired." I hoped this would be enough of a hint for us to go home.  
  
"Hey, Kokoro. I'm probably going home with Toma tonight. I'll still see you off, though."  
  
_Ah. It was one of those nights._  
Reiko once confessed that she had a sex addiction and that she needed help. Clearly, she hadn't gotten around to that. She and Toma had been secretly dating on and off for about a year now. Well, by dating, I mean having sex. This particular host club didn’t have any rules against dating patrons and Reiko was an unhappy housewife whose sexual frustrations were at an all-time high. Who was I to rain on her parade?  
  
"It's all right. I can get home fine," I assured. Just then, I noticed that Ren had made me another glass of gin and tonic. _Sigh._ "Sorry, Ren. I'll pay for it, but I think I'm done for the night."  
  
A host not pictured on the ranking photos retrieved my coat and I opened the door to leave. I heave a sigh before climbing up the stairs. _11:15PM._ Only 15 more minutes. I ponder the possibility.  
  
_"You call me if you need me to talk you out of something."_  
At this rate, it was as if Juri were here with me. My hand reached for my phone and my fingers wondered if I should call her. Actually, I didn't leave the club tonight because I was tired, I thought. I left because I was bored. And irritated. And jealous. There, I admitted it. It annoyed me that he had somehow become important enough to me that I'd spare for him an emotion so useless as jealousy. Why do I have to feel envious of women I don't even know? I stared at my phone screen, fidgeting and debating whether to make that call.  
  
"Did you wait long?" A familiar voice buzzed in my ears. I look up from my screen and see his eyes peeking from behind his golden bangs. I check the time.  
  
_11:29PM.  
Oh, my god. He actually showed up. And I actually waited._  
  
"You're actually here..." I was in disbelief.  
  
"I extended the invitation, didn't I?" He raised his eyebrows and a few more strands fell over his eyes. "Could I make it up to you?"  
  
"What...?"  
  
"Your next drink is on me," he grinned.  
  
Now, _there_ was an offer I couldn’t let pass. “It better not be another gin and tonic,” I complain. “I need something with a bit more… allure.”  
  
The gin was definitely starting to catch up. Against my better judgment, I let the alcohol speak for me.  
  
"I feel like letting my inhibitions go." I comb my hair back as my hair falls softly on my cheek. Looking up at him, I could feel the walls coming down. I let out a sigh as a relaxed smile crosses my face.  
  
"All right, I'll keep you company," he said. "I can't have you sharing that smile of yours with any other man."  
  
_Hm...?_  
I part my lips and tilt my head. My hair now covered half my face.  
  
"Why n..."  
  
He leaned down and looked straight at me. Taken by his inquisitive eyes once again, I couldn't finish my question.  
  
"I thought so the first time I saw that smile," he said in a soft voice. "You gotta be careful, putting your guard down like that."  
  
His hand reached toward me, slowly and carefully. I followed his fingers with my eyes, and my nose tickled smelling his cologne again.  
  
"Men can take advantage of situations like this..." he trailed off as his hand drew nearer. He wasn't touching me but I could feel electrifying sensations along my cheek from the warmth of his fingers. My eyes started to close, letting his hand control me. But, just as soon as I closed them, I opened them right back up. His hand had found a comfy place on the top of my head, as he scrunched my hair and patted my head.  
  
"See what mean?" he smiled elusively. Even in my intoxicated state, I could tell that, if not him, a lesser man would have used my drunken state as an excuse to do as he pleased.  
  
I put my hand where his hand just was and felt the residual warmth of his palms. _Wait a minute..._  
  
"See...! I knew you treat all your clients this way." I pouted my lips and looked at him skeptically.  
  
"Were you watching?" His usual cryptic smile crossed his face again.  
  
_Damn it. He knew all along._  
  
"Ren thought it was his fault that you weren't having a good time," he added, salt to the wound.  
  
"...Hey, isn't this your fault?" I tried fighting back. "You were supposed to make me my Sidecar."  
  
"I can't help that you were running late, Miss 33," he returned. "I normally don't wait for my clients to show up, but I stayed with Miss Reiko for 30 minutes waiting for your arrival."  
  
"Oh, stop it. You ended up entertaining four times the number of women tonight. You should be thanking me! Besides, I bet you say that to all your clients," I pout again.  
  
He could sense the tinge of jealousy that leaked out with my complaint. With that mysterious smile, he asked a question he had once asked me before.  
  
"What makes you think that?"  
  
His loaded question tainted my innocent thoughts, manipulating them into something lustful and impure. Silencing them was harder this time, as the alcohol was fighting for the other team.  
  
"Come on," he said as he started toward the corner of the host club.  
  
"Where are we going?"  
  
"My car." He pointed to a private garage to the side of the building. "I'll drive us."


	5. Room For Two

"Where are we going?" It seems like I ask this question a lot when I'm with him.  
  
"You'll know in a bit," he replied. _Are we playing this game again?_  
  
"It's this one here," he pointed. I had imagined him owning a luxury car, complete with swag and style, but his was a humble Nissan X-Trail. It was sporty yet practical, stylish yet functional. Quite the dichotomy compared to his flashy career.  
  
"Here you are, Miss Kokoro," he said as he opened the passenger seat door. "Watch your head." He placed his hand on the rim so I wouldn't accidentally hit it. His chivalry was so natural and uncalculated that the recipient could do nothing else but accept it.  
  
"Thank you..." I wasn't used to this kind of treatment.  
  
Once inside, I noticed that the leather seats were soft to the touch and he kept it very clean and organized. _Now, this is what I imagined his car to look like._ I peeked at the backseat and found a floral blanket hanging awkwardly, clearly out of place from the rest of the unornamented interior. As I pondered what it was doing there, he got into the driver's seat and turned the car on. The lights from his navigator and radio lit up the otherwise dark space and caused his golden bangs to glow like a warm fire.  
  
He put the windows down to let the warm, summer breeze in as the car headed in a direction I didn't know. But soon, some scenery began looking familiar. He found a place to park, and turned off the car.  
  
"Remember now?" He pointed to a narrow path next to a park, a downhill walkway that was only wide enough for one person to pass at any given time.  
  
Nodding, I found myself smiling at the thought of being able to see Mr. Yamashiro and Mr. Hayato again. He led the way and I followed, but the path seemed even narrower tonight. I must have had too many of those gin and tonics, I thought. As I took my next step, I felt myself tipping forward.  
  
Sensing my unstable footing, he immediately turned around and I found myself leaning into his chest, not sure what exactly happened. His arms had a firm grip around my torso, making sure I was secure.  
  
"You okay?" he breathed into my ear. Our faces were nearly cheek-to-cheek and my heart was racing from the fall. Or him breaking it. It was hard to tell.  
  
"Y-Yes..." I move my hands and realize they are on his shoulders. Through the dress shirt, I could feel the muscular build of his body, lean yet strong, toned and powerful. I could also see the vein in his neck and his Adam's apple moving as he inhaled. My breathing got heavier as my heart rate accelerated.  
  
Carefully, he positioned me back down on the ground and released his arms. "Thanks..." I say, almost a whisper.  
  
Making sure I wasn’t hurt, he let out a soft giggle. "What would you do without me?" he teased. Embarrassment shined a bright red hue on my cheeks.  
  
"Here." He held out his hand for me to hold like how those princes do in Disney movies. I didn't think they actually existed, and yet, here he was. Perhaps I hesitated a little too long, because the next thing I knew, he had swept up my hand and was guiding me down the path. There was a small step at the end that I didn’t noticed during the prior visit, but was made fully aware this time because he raised his arm a little higher to escort me down. The whole sequence felt like a dream. Once we were on stable ground, he slowly let go of my hand and continued his chivalry.  
  
"After you, Miss Kokoro." Just like the other night, he opened the door for me to enter first.  
  
"Good evening. Miss Kokoro, Mr. Sakurai. It's a pleasure," Mr. Yamashiro bowed to welcome us. Mr. Hayato, hearing the greeting, looked up from drying the dishes and bowed.  
  
"Sakurai sempai! You're back!" Mr. Hayato seemed pleased. He flashed his friendly grin and I couldn't help but smile back.  
  
"I'm a lot tipsier than the other night, though," I confessed.  
  
"Have a seat," Mr. Yamashiro invited.  
  
Like clockwork, 34 pulled out the seat nearest me and gestured for me to sit.  
  
_Clearly, he’s had a lot of practice pampering women like this.  
How could a man like he not have his pick among the sea of women lined up out his door?_  
  
He didn't sit down. Instead, he headed straight to the other side of the bar and busied himself. A punch of cognac tickled my nostrils as the citrus scents fluttered about. Ah, there it is. Tonight, just the mere aroma of it could have intoxicated me. I watched his skilled fingers pour the cognac and I knew I was fighting a lost battle.  
  
"Here you are, Miss Kokoro. I hope this can make up for tonight."  
  
The cocktail looked like a gem, a jewel that stole the miner's heart and never gave it back. Letting it swirl in the glass a few times, I enjoyed the colors ever-changing, the aroma traveling its way up my nose and through the back of my throat. The man who had just made this passionate elixir waited patiently while I enjoyed the cocktail with all my senses.  
  
When it touched my lips, I felt my body collapse; the aphrodisiac hit harder than ever before. I lick my lips, not wanting to waste the sensations that it left there.  
  
"Mmmmm..." It was all I could say.  
  
"How is it?" he asked, after seeing me completely enraptured by it. The question was unfair and he knew it.  
  
"Is it possible that it gets even more desirable each time?" I asked, slowly letting the words leak out as I bit my lips lustfully.  
  
Walking back over to my side of the bar, he gave me a calculated look, a cryptic smile, his eyes sparkling.  
  
"Maybe," he said, looking at me instead of the drink. The cognac went straight to my head as his innuendo thumped loudly through my veins.  
  
He had poured himself some red wine and his glass stood robust next to my dainty cocktail. He had his fingers at the base of the wineglass, and he swirled the drink around before smelling the overtones.  
  
"Do you really think I do this with all my clients?" he asked abruptly.  
  
“Smooth talkers are good liars,” I echoed Juri’s sound advice.  
  
"I'll confess. I've done this once before." He took a drink of his wine.  
  
_Once? Just once?_  
Still, he was caught in a lie and I wasn’t going to let that pass.  
  
"See, I knew it!" I gave a mischievous look and pointed at him. "Who was that lucky girl, huh?"  
  
He stared at me make a fool out of myself, corner of his mouth curling up again. And, without saying a word, pointed at me with the same hand that held his wineglass. He then looked away and took another sip.  
  
_“I know you’re someone special. I’ve never seen him with a woman outside of business.”_  
Mr. Hayato's voice rang in my ears. _Wait...don't tell me that was true..._  
  
“Any room for dessert?” Mr. Hayato placed a delicate dish in front of me. “It’s a Hojicha flan. It should pair wonderfully with your Sidecar.”  
  
Saved from further embarrassment thanks to Mr. Hayato’s invitation, I redirect my attention to the sweet scent tickling my nose. “Wow, Mr. Hayato! You’ve outdone yourself,” I bounce in my seat from the delectable bite. “It’s not overbearingly sweet but the Hojicha doesn’t interfere with the creaminess of the flan. I give it 5 stars!”  
  
“You’re quite eloquent for a drunk, Miss Kokoro,” Mr. Hayato joked.  
  
I crack a smile in return. “You flatter me!” Truly, it was flattery. I was feeling tipsier by the minute and sound judgment was starting to play hide and seek.  
  
“Don’t you want it?” I hold a bite on the spoon and dangle it in front of 34’s face. _I can be withholding, too._  
  
“Are you going to feed me?” his eyebrows arched slyly.  
  
“You want me to?” I played along. And, bringing the spoon toward his mouth, I dazed off for a moment, magnetized by his sultry lips. Managing to shake myself away from the hypnotism, I yank the spoon back and steal his bite.  
  
“You gotta work for it!” I teased. _Now, I was playing his game. Yes, in my intoxicated stupor, I was invincible. Or so I thought._  
  
“You’re also a lot spunkier when you’re drunk,” laughed Mr. Hayato.  
  
“This is why I can’t leave her to her own devices,” 34 mumbled to Mr. Hayato. Then, suddenly, he leaned in close, his nose almost touching mine. There was a slight twinkle in his eyes I hadn’t seen before, and like a bug attracted to the light, I couldn’t look away.  
  
“Don’t you want it…?” he whispered, as he stared into my eyes. Taking his determined fingers, he touched my hand and like a magician, stole the spoon from it. He helped himself to a bite of the dessert.  
  
“Hayato, you’re improving. Not bad, maybe try browning the sugar a bit longer so the roasted flavor of the Hojicha doesn’t completely mask the caramelized aromas of the sugar,” he said succinctly. He was already enjoying his next conversation while I was still stunned from the damages his previous conversation had left.  
  
Mr. Hayato gave a side-glance at me, then answered his question. “…Thanks, Sakurai-sempai. I can always count on you to give honest feedback.”  
  
“The part about you improving is honest feedback, too,” 34 encouraged.  
  
But Mr. Hayato blinked a few times and changed the topic. “I can see why you like her,” he nodded.  
  
“Interesting, isn’t she?” 34 replied.  
  
“Exactly. She’s good for you.”  
  
“I don’t know why. I can’t leave her alone.” 34 looked at his wineglass, intrigued at his own insight.  
  
“She fascinates you.”  
  
“She amuses me.”  
  
“She captivates you.”  
  
“She’s intriguing.”  
  
“You know what people call that, don’t you, Sakurai sempai?”  
  
34 chuckled and took another bite of the flan.  
  
“I like her,” Mr. Hayato said once more. “If I had met her before you, I would have wanted to keep her for myself.”  
  
“Me, too,” 34 replied. “Thankfully for her, she met me first.”  
  
Mr. Hayato let out a hearty laugh and leaned in closer to 34. “What’s stopping you, sempai?”  
  
34 cast his gaze downward, that deep pain harboring his eyes once more. As if he understood what 34 wanted to say, Mr. Hayato extended a lifeline.  
  
“It’s not a sin to trust yourself, Sakurai sempai,” Mr. Hayato leaned in and said quietly. “What happened to your mom isn’t your fault.”  
  
34 downed the rest of his wine as he shrugged and gave an obligatory nod. “I need to take her home,” he changed the subject.  
  
In a span of minutes, the man sitting next to me suddenly looked human with scars to tell the story.  
_Just who is this man?_  
I still knew nothing about him.  
  
\--  
  
After managing to punch in the access code, I stumble into my apartment building, arm over a man’s shoulder.  
  
“Which floor?” he asked.  
  
“Fourteen…” I mumble.  
  
The elevator alerts our arrival with a polite ring. I point out the elevator doors like a pirate spotting land. “This way!”  
  
He extends his arms to hold the door open, then squats down onto the ground. “Get on.” His other arm was behind his back, waiting for me to take the invitation.  
  
When there’s alcohol to blame, there’s not much pride to lose. There was hardly any hesitation in my actions as my arms curled around his neck and the weight of my body gave way to his broad back. Feeling light as a feather, I suddenly felt exhausted and his shoulder was a wonderful pillow for my head.  
  
“Keys?” It seemed we had reached my abode. I fidget around in my purse and hear a familiar dangling noise.  
  
“Here.” I pass him the keys.  
  
When there’s alcohol to blame, there’s quite a bit of embarrassment one can handle, the untidy living room and unfolded laundry still hanging out on the balcony being a few honorable mentions. The lights to my bedroom turn on and my body slowly hits the soft comforter covering my bed.  
  
“Hey, where are you going?” I asked disappointed. He was about to leave the room and loneliness had decided to speak on my behalf.  
  
“I’m getting you a cup of water,” he responded over his shoulder.  
  
_Oh.  
What a gentleman._  
  
“Here,” he returned with a glass. I reached out my hand to receive it, but when it touched his, passion tingled all over my body. I pulled down his hand, bringing him down onto his knees to meet my eyelevel.  
  
“…Don’t you want it?” It was the first time in a long while since I had a man in my bedroom. I didn’t want to miss such a golden opportunity. I bring my face close to his, and as my eyes close, my lips feel the warm sensation of another. His felt exactly like they looked, dense and supple, faint scent of wine lingering there. Electrifying sensations ran up my spine on contact, my body surrendering to his magic…  
  
\--  
  
“Nnngh…” I peek at the alarm clock. _7:30AM._ Thank god I don’t have to go into work until 10:00AM, I thought. I thanked my body for sticking to routine even though my mind had decided to make horrible decisions. _Ow…_ I put my fingers to my forehead. This was definitely a hangover. Eyebrows furrowed as I rolled over. _I need to eat something. Also, water. Yes. I need water._ I tell myself to get up. _No one’s going to get it for you…_ My train of thought stops abruptly.  
  
_Oh, my god.  
How did I get home?_  
  
I sit upright and scan the room wide-eyed. By the way, if you ever need help getting up in the morning, amnesia does the trick.  
  
_I went to Akatsuki, then Mr. Yamashiro’s bar, then…!_  
I whip my head over to both sides of my bed.  
  
_Oh, thank god. Nothing happened._  
  
I let out a sigh of relief and hold my chest to calm down my racing heartbeat. Right, some water. I ease my way up to my feet. Something feels wrong.  
  
_OH, FUCK!!!_  
I was wearing nothing but my bra, undies, and an oversized shirt that clearly did not belong to me. _Shit. Fuck. Shitfuck._  
  
I rush over to the full-length mirror and fix my disheveled bedhead. My fingers touch the collar of the button-down shirt that only barely covers my thighs. There was only one person to whom this shirt could belong, and at the thought of him having seen my body and my far-from-sexy undergarments, I become overtaken by an urge to jump out of my 14th floor window. But instead, I paced around the room, trying to recall any details from the night before. If he had taken me home, and if I didn’t undress myself, who else could have? Suddenly, I hear from my living room the sound of someone turning the page of a newspaper.  
  
_OH GOD._  
For a moment, I almost hope it’s an intruder.  
  
In haste, I forget to cover my legs with proper pants. Opening my bedroom door, I hesitantly walk out to confront the sound. On the floor was a man, legs crossed and his face covered by the newspaper.  
  
“Oh, you’re up.” His inquisitive eyes peek out from behind the paper. He frees his hands and grabs a plastic bag. “Hungry? I’m not much of a cook, so I grabbed a few things from the convenience store.”  
  
Inside the bag, I could see a few items: some sports drinks, fruit jelly, bananas, and instant miso soup—all hangover-friendly foods. Whatever happened last night was irrelevant to this kind gesture; he still knew exactly what I needed without me having to say it.  
  
“Can you eat?” he asked again, then noticed what I was wearing and stifled a smile. “I think you’re missing some pants?”  
  
“Oh, dear god…!” I try frantically to cover my legs with my hands. I close my eyes in embarrassment and await another snarky comment.  
  
“That shirt looks good on you,” he stated nonchalantly as he made his way to the kitchen. “Hope you don’t mind, I made some coffee for myself.”  
  
My jaw drops in disbelief. _He’s having fun embarrassing me._ “Look… I know I keep making a fool out of myself in front of you, but do you have to capitalize on it?”  
  
He placed the kettle on the stove and started the gas, then looked my way from the corner of his eyes. “Yeah, why not?”  
  
“…Why not? Maybe because I’d like to salvage what remaining dignity I have?”  
  
“Says the girl who can’t remember what happened last night.” He raised his eyebrows and smirked. “I guessed right again, didn’t I?”  
  
_He’s STILL having fun embarrassing me._  
Unfortunately, he was right and I felt completely vulnerable. It was too awkward to ask him for an explanation, but he also wasn’t the type of man who would willingly disclose such information without getting a rise out of me first. He had me cornered, as was his plan all along.  
  
I bite my lip and make a decision. “…Did we… you know…”  
  
“Have sex?” He didn’t beat around the bush like I thought he would.  
  
“Uh, yeah. D-Did anything… happen between us?”  
  
He took out the contents of the plastic bag and placed them on the kitchen counter. Slowly, he made his way toward me, mischievous eyes looking like they were plotting something.  
  
“What does it look like?” He tilted his head to get a better look at my blushing face.  
  
“Why am I in your clothes?”  
  
He pointed out at the balcony where my pajamas hung dry. “That’s why.”  
  
“S-So?! I didn’t give you permission to undress me!” I cross my arms around my chest. Though clothed, I felt completely naked.  
  
“Says the girl who can’t remember what happened last night.”  
  
The conversation went around in circles for a while. For every question I asked, he replied with another question. Every time I pointed the finger at him, he reminded that it was I who couldn’t recall anything.  
  
“D-Did anything happen or no?” I was starting to feel feverish from all the heat rushing to my head.  
  
He made his way over and leaned against the wall, coffee in hand. _Sure. Make yourself at home, why don’t you._  
  
“Are you hoping that I’ll say ‘yes’?” He blew into his mug a few times to cool off his drink and took a sip.  
  
Totally flustered by his question, I had no counterargument. My eyes followed his mug as it touched his lips again. _Was he right? Was I secretly hoping that something had happened?_  
  
“You wanted me, didn’t you?” His free hand made his way to his lips, his thumb caressing them.  
  
“…!!” Before I could say anything, the same thumb found its way to my chin, creating a gentle pressure against my lower lip. He skillfully lifted my gaze with his index finger, pinching my chin ever so slightly. His inquisitive eyes seemed to ask me a question I was too embarrassed to answer, so he put a little more pressure on his thumb to try and get me to talk. I parted my lips for some air; he had only laid two fingers on me and I was suffocating. He saw me struggling for words and his eyes twinkled with excitement. Then, he let out a chuckle just as the kettle shrieked on cue like a bell sounding the end of a match. He had won yet again. Pleased at the outcome, he turned around to tend to the kettle, leaving me wanting more. _What a fucking tease._  
  
“Here, this should help.” He passed me the cup of instant miso soup and a pair of chopsticks.  
  
There was a way about him. He had a way of leaving me lingering onto a previous thought or conversation, and he enjoyed that he could frustrate me while he stood there, perfectly calm and collected, unfazed by the power of his own charm. Yet again, I was under his magic. The worst part was, I couldn’t hate him for it because he was genuinely kind, despite his teasing and calculated gestures.  
  
I took a sip and found myself amazed for the first time at a bowl of instant miso soup. There shouldn’t be anything special about it. It shouldn’t taste this good. And yet, as I stared at the bowl, I was certain that this was the best miso soup I’d ever tasted in my life.  
  
_It must be because I’m hungover._  
  
“Compatibility is everything,” he hummed, as if he had figured out the thoughts roaming around in my mind.  
  
His line took me back to the first night at Mr. Yamashiro’s bar. Could it really be compatibility that influences what he makes, does, and says?  
  
“I should get going,” he said as he finished his coffee. “I wanted to make sure you had someone to take care of you when you woke up. My job here is done.” Only now did I notice that he was wearing the same clothes as yesterday.  
  
“W-Wait…” I paused. “This is your shirt… isn’t it?” The level of amnesia was pathetic, really.  
  
He nodded. “I carry a change of clothes in my backpack. I don’t normally walk around town in my host outfit.”  
  
“Sorry…” I didn’t know why I apologized. He undressed me without my discretion, and yet, I felt like a thief stealing his clothes.  
  
“You can return that to me once you finish drying your pajamas,” he teased. His eyes glowed with delight. “Unless you’re keen on showing me your plain, beige bra again.”  
  
My cheeks burst red in embarrassment. “God, seriously…” _I can’t believe I let him see those…_  
  
He picked up his newspaper and put it in his backpack. “Are you going to be okay?”  
  
“Yeah.” I hated that I couldn’t bring myself to hate him.  
  
“Wait…!” I realize that I never got an explanation for last night. “S-So… did we…uh…”  
  
“Have sex?”  
  
I nodded anxiously, fearing the truth.  
  
“You really have to be careful,” he picked up his backpack with one arm. “Men can take advantage of situations like that.”  
  
“Wait, so… n…nothing happened?”  
  
“Sorry to burst your bubble, but nothing happened,” he smiled, then leaned in to whisper in my ear. “You would have remembered if anything did.”  
  
The hairs on the back of my neck stood up as his breath tickled my ear. There was a sense of relief but along with it, disappointment unexpectedly followed. It didn’t make sense. He had free reign. He could have had me to his heart’s content last night.  
  
“Disappointed?” It’s like he can read minds. “I only undressed you because you had spilled the glass of water I brought you. I didn’t want you catching a cold.”  
  
_What?_  
My mind couldn’t fully digest the turn of events.  
  
“I looked around for your pajamas, but I didn’t notice they were hanging dry outside until this morning.”  
  
Here I was, accusing him of taking physical advantage of me when in actuality, he had taken care of me.  
_Great. Foot in mouth. Again._  
  
I pursed my lips in disgust. “…I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to accuse you.”  
  
“You’re a pretty flirty drunk, though, Miss 33,” he smirked as he headed toward the door.  
  
_There he goes again, teasing me._  
Suddenly, I remember something tremendously important.  
  
“We kissed!” I exclaimed, relieved to recall something, but subsequently embarrassed once more at what words came spewing out of my mouth.  
  
He turned around at the door. “Technically, _you_ kissed _me_.”  
  
“…What?” I rummaged my brain for the details.  
_Holy shit. He’s right._  
  
He nodded. “Remember now?”  
  
“C-Could you forget that that ever happened?” I cover my face with my hands.  
  
“Why, you didn’t enjoy it?” His deliberate smile grew wider.  
  
_How am I supposed to answer that?_  
It was another trick question and he knew it.  
  
“Just so you know,” he continued as he put his shoes on. “You were my first.”  
  
I roll my eyes as I let out a snort. “Please. You don’t need to try and make me feel better. I’ve embarrassed myself plenty.”  
  
“I meant, I’ve never stepped foot inside a woman’s apartment before.”  
  
“Are you lying to me again?” I narrow my eyes.  
  
“When have I ever lied to you?”  
  
I blink rapidly in disbelief. He was right again. He never had.  
  
“I put the sports drinks in the fridge. Make sure you stay hydrated.” He smiled as he opened the door, then turned back around to give a little bow.  
  
“Wait…” I stop him. “…Thanks. For taking care of me.”  
  
“You’re welcome,” he smiled gently. “Do me a favor. The next time we spend a night together, remember every detail.”  
  
“Wh…What are you suggesting?”  
  
“I don’t want you accusing me for a crime I didn’t even commit,” he reminded.  
  
“…Ah, right.” I scratch my head. “Again, I’m sorry about that…”  
  
“Plus, women aren’t mere objects of a man’s fancy,” he added. “I hope I proved that to you last night.”  
  
He was right yet again. A lesser man would have taken advantage of me, and I would have merely enabled it. And I would have regretted it and hated myself. He foresaw this all along.  
  
“I’m glad I could take care of you,” he pet my head. “See ya.”  
  
As the door closed behind him, I could smell the lingering scent of his cologne in the hallway. Though I had felt completely naked in front of him earlier, his shirt now felt like an armor protecting me. The shoulders were too wide, the hem too long, and my arms drowned in the sleeves. And yet, it felt just right. It was the perfect fit. I gave it a big hug.  
  
_You’re in big trouble, Kokoro.  
You like him.  
You're in love with the #1 host at Akatsuki_.


	6. Kaleidoscope Eyes

“Thanks so much for taking me in on such short notice, Kokoro-san!” Miss Kondo, a regular customer at the hair salon, had called first thing this morning to schedule an appointment for 3:00PM today.  
  
“It worked out, actually. My 3:30 cancelled so you’re doing me a favor,” I replied.  
  
“I was invited to a group blind date all of a sudden, and apparently, the men are all doctors,” Miss Kondo explained. “I gotta look my best and leave a lasting impression.”  
  
“Isn’t it hard to meet a decent guy these days?” I chimed in.  
  
“Oh, don’t even get me started on the last group blind date I had to attend.” Miss Kondo sat in the chair and proceeded to give a detailed account of her dating woes. “I don’t have high hopes for tonight, but hey, you gotta make do with the cards you’re dealt, right?”  
  
I smile, commiserating with her. _Tell me about it. This is why I hadn’t been eager to find someone new after Ryota._ There just weren’t many decent fish in the sea.  
  
After shampooing, Miss Kondo returned to her seat and showed me a photo.  
  
“This is the kind of look I’m hoping for.”  
  
“You’ve got the right facial shape for that cut,” I encouraged. “I’d probably keep the bangs, though, and comb them to the side. It’ll give the illusion of creating more volume at the top of the head.”  
  
“I trust you,” she smiled.  
  
_Ah, I love that line._ It’s one of my favorite lines to hear as a hair stylist, that I have my clients’ full trust in making them feel and look more confident. I smile at her reflection in the mirror and grab my scissors.  
  
“Kokoro-san?” Miss Kondo’s eyes were wide and observant. “You’re in love, aren’t you?”  
  
“Wh…What, me?” For a girl at least ten years my junior, she sure had a sharp mind about this sort of thing.  
  
“I can always tell when a woman is in love,” she nodded. “You’ve got a brighter aura.”  
  
“You’re starting to sound like one of my best friends,” I joked.  
  
“And how happy she is, is directly proportional to how well he treats her.”  
  
I pondered on this for a while. Sure, 34 had his chivalrous ways, but such gestures were the result of a career in pleasing women. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I began to wonder: does he treat me any differently from the other women in his life? And then it hit me: I didn’t even know if he was single. I was reminded of how tiring and troublesome being in love could be.  
  
“And? Do I look happy?” I asked her in an effort to continue the conversation.  
  
“You’re glowing!” she said enthusiastically. “I bet he’s one of those teasing types.”  
  
I gasped. “How could you tell?”  
  
“Wow, I should quit my day job and become a psychic,” she laughed. “You’re just that kind of girl, you know? I think men can’t help but tease you a bit.”  
  
“Care to elaborate?” Clearly, she noticed something about me that I didn’t know myself.  
  
“You’re a successful, career-driven woman,” she began. “But you have this shell, a barrier, I guess. You don’t like being vulnerable.”  
  
I nodded, trying to keep my cool. She was on point and it took focus to concentrate on my task.  
  
“And those teasing types, they feed on that. They like making you feel metaphorically naked because it humanizes you.”  
  
“Ah…” _Make that metaphorically AND literally._  
  
“It’s entertaining for them to get a rise out of you because they like being in control. I think it’s their way of showing affection. I’m no shrink, but they’re probably just as afraid of being vulnerable, so the teasing doubles as a defense mechanism.”  
  
I bit my lower lip nervously. I was starting to regret I continued this conversation.  
  
“But you know what? Those guys are the real deal.”  
  
“By that, you mean?”  
  
“Don’t you remember those guys in class, the ones who used to tease and make fun of the girls they actually liked?”  
  
I nodded.  
  
“They don’t care for other women. Once they’ve found their target, she’s all he desires.”  
  
“Oh, I don’t know about that…” I trail off.  
  
“It’s true!” she declared. “I know! Here’s what you do. Watch him interact with other women. I’ll bet you a handsome and successful doctor that he won’t tease any of them like he teases you. You’re special to him.”  
  
My cheeks started to feel a bit warm. “You flatter me, Miss Kondo. Besides, you haven’t met any handsome and successful doctors yet, so all bets are off.” I shake a finger at her in jest.  
  
“Fine,” she sighed. “But if I’m right, I’m seriously going to consider a career as a psychic.”  
  
\--  
  
“Yeah, of course we had sex.” It was another girls’ night out, and Reiko, crass as ever, began telling us about her night with Toma.  
  
“He’s amazing, seriously. He does this thing with his tongue, I don’t know how to explain it because I’m screaming ecstasy into my pillow, but he’ll flick it against my clit and—”  
  
“I’m going to stop you right there. No need to divulge every detail.” It was nice to have Juri around in times like these.  
  
“All right, fine. How was your conference thing?” Reiko changed the subject.  
  
“A nightmare. They were all a bunch of old, unattractive men pretending to care about animals,” Juri snorted.  
  
“Well… you weren’t seriously hoping to meet a guy there, were you?” Reiko asked, confused.  
  
“What other choices do I have?!” Juri raised her arms in defeat. “Anyway, I got a date out of one of them.”  
  
“Wh…Are you serious? You didn’t tell us that!” Reiko exclaimed. I nodded fervently in support of Reiko.  
  
“Who’s the lucky guy?” I egged on.  
  
“He works the graveyard shift as an on-call emergency vet. I only noticed him because he was the youngest guy in the room.”  
  
“Holy shit, Juri. You’ll be marrying money!” Reiko clapped, grinning from ear to ear.  
  
“Let’s not get ahead of me, please,” Juri replied calmly. “It’s just a date.”  
  
“Still, I’m happy for you, Juri.” I smiled a genuine smile. It felt good to be sincerely happy for someone.  
  
“Thanks,” Juri clinked her glass with ours and took a gulp.  
  
“So? What about you, Kokoro? Did you get home okay that night?” Reiko directed the attention my way.  
  
“I knew I should have been there,” Juri shook her head. “You didn’t get into any trouble, did you?”  
  
“…W-Well…” My eyes shifted nervously between Juri and Reiko.  
  
“Oh, my god! Did you sleep with Sho?!” Reiko was full of terrible guesses tonight.  
  
“No!!” I shouted, a little too loud. “No…”  
  
“But…?” Juri knew there was more to the story.  
  
“We spent a night together in my apartment…”  
  
Juri looked at me confused, eyebrows furrowed, trying to make sense of what I had just said. Reiko, on the other hand, was outraged.  
  
“Let me get this straight. You spent another night with Sho and still, _nothing_ happened?”  
  
“Uh… technically…”  
  
“Oh?” Reiko’s anger dispersed and quickly turned to curiosity.  
  
I gave the two a recap of what had happened after leaving Akatsuki. When I had rehearsed this in my head, Juri had scolded me and Reiko had shown visible disappointment. However, neither of these reactions happened in real life.  
  
“Maybe I should give him more credit,” Juri said, nodding. “I’m impressed.”  
  
“Did he actually tell you that ‘women aren’t mere objects of a man’s fancy’?” Reiko said, amazed.  
  
I nodded.  
  
“Even after he saw you practically naked? In your granny panties?” Reiko pressed.  
  
“It’s called self-control, Reiko. He’s not a sex-hungry asshole.” Juri clarified. “Seriously. I’m really impressed.”  
  
“I know…” I echoed. Sure, I was more of a prudent dater than Juri or Reiko, but I’ve had my share of pigs and sleazebags. In the end, men just want sex. When they get it, they realize it’s more trouble to stay and work at building a relationship than to move on to their next target. I was slightly jaded in a way, dating men and knowing this unavoidable fact. But then, he came along and turned my theory on its head. It was confusing. Everything I thought I knew about men was being challenged.  
  
_Beep._  
  
“Huh?” I look at my phone.  
  
_What…?_  
  
“Who is it?” Juri asked. She could see the disbelief on my face.  
  
“U-Uh…” I stare at my phone screen.  
  
_34,_ it read.  
  
My head began spinning with so many questions. _How does he have my number? Why is he texting me? Why does it say “34”?_  
  
“Oh, my god. It’s from him.” Reiko smirked. “What does it say?”  
  
Carefully, I unlock my phone and read the message.  
  
_Keep this Sunday open.  
  
P.S. You really shouldn’t use your birthday as your passcode, Miss 33. You’ll start getting calls from strangers or messages from a certain nightclub host._  
  
Shocked, I bring a hand to my mouth. I gulped and choked on my own saliva. After a swig of beer to calm my coughing, I try to catch my breath.  
  
“So? What did it say?” Juri repeated Reiko’s question.  
  
“How does he have my number…?” Forget the contents of the text message. That was beside the point.  
  
“What do you mean?” Juri questioned.  
  
“I-I never gave him my phone number,” I mumbled. “How…”  
  
“Done!” Reiko interjected.  
  
“Done with what?” I inquired.  
  
“You’ve got a date this Sunday.”  
  
“WHAT?!”  
  
Reiko slowly put my phone back on the table. “You’re welcome.”  
  
“No, no, no! Why’d you do that?! Oh, god, and complete with emojis, too…”  
  
I read the reply Reiko had sent to him and start to feel queasy. _“Is that a date? ;) Can’t wait ‘til this Sunday! <3”_ This was bad. Very bad.  
  
“Are you okay, Kokoro? You don’t look so good.” Juri placed her palm on my forehead.  
  
“…I don’t even know how he got my number. How am I supposed act on Sunday?” I heaved a sigh.  
  
“Didn’t you read his message? He knew your birthday,” Reiko stated matter-of-factly.  
  
“What the hell does that mean? I never told him when my birthday is!”  
  
“Oh, yeah. I did.” Reiko continued in her composed tone.  
  
“Wh… When? Why?” Blood rushed to my head.  
  
“Because we got to talking about birthdays. This was when we were waiting for you to arrive. He asked me when yours was, so I told him. What’s wrong with that?”  
  
“What do you mean, what’s wrong with that? You can’t just go sharing my… wait, what?”  
  
“Yeah, he asked me, and I told him.”  
  
“…He asked?”  
  
“That’s what I’ve been saying.” Reiko was getting impatient.  
  
“But why…?” Things were getting more and more confusing.  
  
“Hold on,” Juri butted in. “He asked when her birthday was, and he remembered?”  
  
“Yeah. What’s so special about th…OH.” Reiko’s eyes widened. “I see what you’re getting at, Juri.”  
  
Juri pointed at Reiko. “Exactly. Why remember someone’s birthday if they didn’t care about that person?”  
  
“Seriously. I never remember when my husband’s birthday is,” Reiko rolled her eyes.  
  
_"I normally don't wait for my clients to show up, but I stayed with Miss Reiko for 30 minutes waiting for your arrival."_  
His voice boomed in my ears.  
  
“…He waited? With you?”  
  
“For you to come? Yeah, half an hour or something,” Reiko put her fingers to her chin, trying to recall that night. “It’s actually against the host club rules to wait for a late client.”  
  
“It’s what…?” My heart began to race.  
  
“Against the host club rules,” Reiko repeated. “They tell you that if you’re late, you’ll be appointed a different host, to arrive 5-10 minutes early so you can secure your request.”  
  
Juri looked at me with big eyes. “Kokoro. Come on, piece the puzzle together.”  
  
“It makes sense from a business standpoint, I mean, they don’t want to lose any money waiting for a no-show. Plus, he’s their #1. I thought he was very generous for waiting at all.” Reiko remained calm.  
  
“So… he doesn’t usually wait for his clients…?”  
  
“Kokoro. He’s not even supposed to,” Juri took my shoulder to shake me from my stupor. “There’s absolutely nothing in it for him to wait.”  
  
“Oh, yeah.” Reiko seemed to have remembered another detail. “He told me not to tell you about that rule.”  
  
“Why…?”  
  
“Because he thought it would make you feel even worse for running late,” Reiko revealed. She then gasped as she, too, put the pieces of the puzzle together.  
  
“Holy shit, Kokoro. He’s serious about you.” Juri’s jaw dropped to the floor.  
  
“The #1 host at Akatsuki is in love with you!” Reiko squealed.  
  
Much to their surprise, I was not jumping with excitement. Dumbfounded was more like it. How could a man like he, a man who had the world of women to choose from, possibly find a plain girl like me interesting?  
  
_“What makes you think that?”_  
He interjected my thoughts, and I could even see the smirk on his face. For several minutes, I have to reteach myself how to breathe.  
  
\--  
  
“You’re early.” 34 looked at his watch.  
  
It was a beautiful summer day, not a cloud in sight. Although it felt a bit contrived, I decided to dress up for the occasion. A yellow, floral, summer dress, grey booties, and my favorite Kate Spade purse. _I hope I at least look like I know what I’m doing._  
  
“You’re earlier,” I replied. Our meeting time was noon, and it was still 11:40AM. Out of nervousness, I got here much too early, so seeing him already waiting was a surprise. It felt unusual seeing him out of his host attire. He had on a red plaid shirt paired with a dark gray vest, vintage jeans, and black loafers. It was casual but not boring, and set a laid-back tone. Had he been too formal, I would have felt underdressed and inappropriate. I appreciated his considerateness.  
  
“That’s two for two,” he said smugly. Indeed, he had yet to make me wait.  
  
“Where are the others?” I asked.  
  
After Reiko had sent that mortifying text message, she came up with the “brilliant idea” of making it a group outing. Juri eagerly agreed; she was out of practice from the dating scene and welcomed the intervention. So, I was left with the task of having to send 34 another embarrassing message about Sunday. Luckily, he agreed and so, today became a party of six.  
  
“Toma’s running late, as usual. I don’t know about Miss Juri and…?”  
  
“Oh.” I realized that I didn’t even know his name. I look at him and shrug my shoulders.  
  
“Want to play a game while we wait?” he invited.  
  
“A game?”  
  
“A guessing game. I’ll ask you a question, and you have to guess what the answer is.”  
  
“Do I get to ask questions, too?” _Don’t you think it would be a little unfair if I had to guess all the time?_  
  
“Sure,” he replied. “But remember: I’m a pretty good guesser.” He chuckled and faced my way.  
  
_Damn it. How was I supposed to win?_  
“You go first.” I look back at him, hoping he’ll go easy on me.  
  
“What are we doing today?”  
  
“What?” I stare at him wide-eyed. “I don’t know.”  
  
“That’s not a guess,” he shook his head.  
  
“Um…” I had absolutely no clue. He had replied to my text messages with a time and location to meet. He didn’t provide further information, and when I asked, he simply replied, “You’ll know on Sunday.”  
  
“Want a hint?” He put his hands in his jean pockets.  
  
“Yes, please.”  
  
“We’re going on something.”  
  
I narrowed my eyes and pouted my lips slightly. “That’s not a hint.”  
  
“Sure, it is,” he remarked.  
  
“Um…on a boat?”  
  
“Nope.”  
  
“An airplane?”  
  
“Guess again.”  
  
“A hot air balloon.” I was running out of choices.  
  
He shook his head.  
  
“I give up,” I sighed.  
  
He leaned down to meet my eyelevel. “We’re going on a date.” He smirked and stood back up straight.  
  
_A what…?  
But you don’t date any of your clients.  
You told me that._  
  
“Your turn,” he teased.  
  
_He did it again.  
He left me lingering on a previous thought.  
I was helpless under his control._  
  
“U-Uh…” I stammered. My mind drew a blank and my mouth gaped trying to comprehend his words.  
  
“Didn’t you say you don’t date any of your clients?” he chortled. “Is that your question?”  
  
Unable to blink or breathe, I stare at him, awestruck.  
  
“I told you I’m a good guesser,” he grinned. Then, he left my gaze with a seemingly unintentional wink. My heart fluttered, mimicking his eyelashes.  
  
“Do you believe me now?” He took a hand out from his pocket and looked at his watch.  
  
“…Hm?”  
  
“Do you still think I do this with all my clients?” His voice was sincere and honeyed, like sweet nectar attracting the bees to his trap. I thought my heart would explode if I looked straight at him, so I looked at my booties instead.  
  
“Hey! Sorry, did you guys wait?” I hear a familiar voice. Rushing toward us was Juri, holding down her wide-brim hat to prevent it from flying away. Following close behind was Mr. Young Vet.  
  
“Juri!” My awestricken face resolved into a smile.  
  
“You’re right on time,” 34 assured. Then, he cast his gaze on the mystery man neither one of us knew much about. I noticed a slight glimmer in 34’s eyes.  
  
“Oh, sorry. This is Shun,” she said between exhales. “He’s a vet.”  
  
“Hi,” Shun waved. “Nice to meet you.”  
  
“Long time, no see, Shun,” 34 replied.  
  
_Wait, what…?_  
  
“Whoa, do you two know each other?” Juri looked back and forth between them.  
  
Shun chuckled politely. “We’re… acquaintances of sorts.”  
  
34 didn’t smile back. “A vet, huh?” He stared directly at Shun.  
  
“Yeah, I became one recently,” Shun replied.  
  
34 nodded, lips protruding out in disbelief. Then, he let out a breathy laugh and looked at Juri. “Glad you could make it.”  
  
“Y-Yeah, me, too…” Slightly taken aback by the men’s interaction, she stuttered through the sentence. It was unlike her.  
  
“Let’s head to lunch. Miss Reiko and Toma can meet us there.” 34 took the lead.  
  
“Where are we going?” I asked.  
  
“You’ll know in a bit,” he grinned back. _Ah. We’re playing this game again._  
  
\--  
  
Reiko and Toma joined us right as we were about to order our food. Lunch was at an old-fashioned soba restaurant, which came as a surprise to me. Just like that time in his car, I was struck with the notion that perhaps, he wasn’t as flashy or extravagant as I had initially thought. When the food arrived, he made sure that everyone had plates and bowls, that drinks were never empty, and that we were all having a good time. _It must be his career. He knows how to entertain._ It made the day run smoothly, knowing that I could rely on him, even though I didn’t know where we’d be heading next. This, too, was a trend in my relationship with him: he left no room for second-guessing. Time and time again, he had proven to me that I shouldn’t doubt him, that with him, there was no dull moment. And he hadn’t given me any reason not to trust him.  
  
“That was really good soba!” Reiko praised as she wiped her mouth with a napkin.  
  
“Sho sempai knows all the good places,” Toma commented. 34 shook his head humbly.  
  
“I’ve just lived a few years longer than you have,” he replied.  
  
“It really was exceptionally good,” I complimented. “The noodles had the right amount of chewiness to it, and their broth had a depth of flavors. It must be the konbu.”  
  
He wiped his hands on the wet towel. “Do you always talk about food this way?”  
  
“What do you mean?” I asked, confused.  
  
“Oh, Kokoro has discerning taste buds,” Juri chimed in. “Whenever we go to a restaurant, she’ll take a bite of everything on the table and talk about balance of flavors or something.”  
  
He cleared his throat, took a sip of his water, and looked my way. “I guess you have very good taste, then.” He licked his lips to wipe the water off them, then gave a cryptic smile.  
  
“Did you enjoy your meal, Miss Juri?” He continued the conversation at his convenience.  
  
“Oh, yeah. The tempura soba was super yummy. Not too oily, either.” She pat her stomach to show that she was full.  
  
“I’m sincerely glad to hear that,” he responded politely.  
  
_Wait, that’s it?_  
  
It was strange seeing him interact with another woman. His responses were succinct and kind: no hidden messages, no innuendos, no guessing involved. I find myself getting lost in my observations.  
  
“Ready?” He got up and waited for me to stand, then guided me toward the door of our private room. He opened it to let all of us pass. When I thanked him, he gave a nod and a smile. They were the little things like this, the subtle acts of kindness one often overlooks. In these gestures, I thought I saw who he really was.  
  
At the cash register, I took out my wallet to pay my share. As I looked for small bills, he handed the employee a 10,000 yen bill.  
  
“I had the cold tempura soba, and she had the soba with grated radish.”  
  
“Oh, no, please. Let me pay for my share.” I hand him a few bills.  
  
“Do you remember we’re on something?” he reminded.  
  
“Hm…?”  
  
“What was it we’re doing today?” he rephrased.  
  
“Oh…” It was embarrassing to verbalize, but he waited patiently for me to say those words. “…We’re on a d…ate.”  
  
He gave me an encouraging smile, then pushed my hand back toward my wallet. “Your money is no good here.”  
  
After he received his change and placed it back in his wallet, he followed up on his comment. “I don’t let my date pay for herself.”  
  
I catch him in a lie and chuckle. “Unless she’s your client.” _Usually, you have women paying for you, let’s not forget this crucial fact._  
  
He tilted his head and his inquisitive eyes locked a gaze with mine. “And when have you paid for yourself when you’ve been with me?”  
  
I pause for a few moments.  
_Great. Foot in mouth. Again._  
  
Satisfied that he had won the argument yet again, he stifled a smile and stepped aside to let the others pay. _You never learn, Kokoro. Do not test him. You always lose._  
  
Toma paid for Reiko. It was some sort of rule they had come up with, to take turns paying for things. I was always curious how her husband fit into her life. When we did hear about him, it was always in negative context. Juri and I had only met him twice: once when she introduced us to him when they were dating, and once more at their wedding. Although I didn’t like meddling in other people’s business, I was concerned about where her marriage was heading.  
  
“Oh.” Shun pat through all his jean pockets. “Shoot, I forgot my wallet.”  
  
“…Oh, uh, I can pay for it.” Juri had anticipated that Shun would pay, and knowing her, she was probably hoping that she would at least get a free meal out of this if things didn’t work out between them.  
  
I felt movement beside me and before I could figure out what was happening, the restaurant employee was handing 34 back some change.  
  
“Thank you, but you didn’t have to do that,” Juri insisted. “Here, let me pay you back.” She still had her wallet out in her hand.  
  
“It’s my pleasure,” 34 assured Juri. “A man should pay for his date.” He stared intensely at Shun. “Don’t you think so?”  
  
Shun shrugged his shoulders and pointed to his jeans. “My bad, I forgot.”  
  
“A forgetful vet, I see.” 34 hadn’t looked away. By this point, it was becoming obvious that he wasn’t very fond of Shun. But, he was my friend’s date. I didn’t like the tone of voice 34 was taking with him.  
  
“Hey…” I took his arm gently and shook it a little. For a split second, I noticed that it was tense, his forearm on edge about something. Once my hand touched him, though, he let go of the stress in his muscles.  
  
“Hm?” He took his eyes away from Shun, and by the time his gaze reached my eyes, his were gentle and inquisitive, just as I had remembered them.  
  
“…Where to?” I felt myself getting lost in his warm features, the beautiful curve of his jawline, the slight angling of his eyebrows, the rise and fall of his nose. Whatever I meant to say before had become obsolete.  
  
“How about a game of bowling?” he smiled playfully.  
  
“Bowling…?” I hadn’t been in years, decades, even. _Great. Another chance for me to make a fool out of myself._  
  
“Oh, my gosh, yes!” Reiko jumped excitedly.  
  
“That’s not fair,” Juri objected. “Reiko’s a semi-professional.”  
  
“Really?” 34 looked at Reiko surprised. “So, after today, I can tell my friends that I’ve bowled with a pro,” he commended.  
  
“Oh, stop it!” Reiko, visibly flattered, giggled, unable to contain her feelings. He smiled back at Reiko, pleased that his compliment could make her laugh.  
  
_Wait, that’s it?_  
  
Again, his comments were succinct and straightforward. A compliment was simply a compliment, nothing more, nothing less. No cryptic smiles, no avoiding questions, no nonsense. _Why? Why was this bothering me?_  
  
\--  
  
“I have an idea!” Reiko shouted after arriving at the bowling alley. “We can have a couples match. The two losing teams owe the winning team a drink. How’s that?”  
  
“Sounds fair,” 34 agreed. “Looks like the competition will be steep, right, Shun?”  
  
Shun looked up at 34 from his seat. “I guess so.”  
  
“What do you mean?” Juri said, confused.  
  
“This guy has been bowling since college,” 34 remarked.  
  
“Wait, you’ve known each other since college?” Shocked once again at this new information, Juri looked back and forth between the two men.  
  
Shun gave an awkward laugh. “He was a senior when I was a freshman.”  
  
I whip my head toward 34. _Why didn’t he mention this sooner?_  
  
“Let’s go get some shoes.” He had noticed me staring at him. Now, alone for a moment, I choose this opportunity to ask him about Shun.  
  
“Do you not like him or something?”  
  
“He’s competitive, but don’t worry. I want you to have fun,” he responded. That was not my question.  
  
“How do you know him?” I tried rephrasing the question.  
  
“He was a first-year when I was a senior at Keio,” he responded casually.  
  
“No, I mean, how did you two…wait, what?” _Keio? He went to Keio?!_  
  
“I majored in Economics,” he continued.  
  
“You… You went to Keio University?” I was learning something new about him again, and he was full of surprises.  
  
“Is that so hard to believe?” His golden bangs obstructed a part of his gaze.  
  
“Well… n-no, I guess. I was just surprised.”  
  
“Are you wondering why I’m a Keio grad working as a nightclub host?” Sometimes, he was so forward with his ability to read my mind that I felt completely exposed, secrets and all. I never thought a career as a nightclub host was something to be ashamed of, regardless of academic history. I admired him for being the best in his profession and that was no easy feat. But now that he had put that question out there, I was kind of curious to know the reason behind his career choice.  
  
“It’s not important,” he said as he cast his gaze downward. There it is again. I was filled with the urge to reach out, reach into his soul and save him from an invisible enemy. Just what is he fighting within? But, as usual, he didn’t leave me with much time for pondering.  
  
“Here, try these.” He handed me a pair of bowling shoes. “I guessed your size, so check and see if they fit.”  
  
I hold onto the counter and try a shoe on. _Wow._ “It’s perfect.”  
  
Grinning, he grabbed his pair. “Thought so.” I followed him to our bowling lane.  
  
“Do you know which ball you want?” he asked as he tied his shoes.  
  
“Oh…” I had no idea.  
  
“Let’s see.” He took a step back to get a better look at my frame. “Probably a 9-pound.” He headed to the bowling ball rack, picked up a yellow 9-pounder, and handed it to me. I thought it would feel heavier, but it was surprisingly manageable.  
  
“It matches your dress,” he commented. Since the beginning of the “date,” he hadn’t mentioned anything about my outfit. I wasn’t too bummed about it, I mean, it was just a group outing, after all. I just didn’t want to be underdressed. That’s what I kept telling myself. But he had somehow managed to mention casually that he did indeed notice what I was wearing. Suddenly, all the effort I put in choosing this outfit felt worth it.  
  
“I set everything up,” Toma informed. “Reiko wanted to go first, so Team Reima will start.”  
  
“Team Reima?” Juri raised her eyebrows. “Seriously, Reiko?”  
  
“Admit it, you think it’s cute,” Reiko stuck her tongue out. “What are your team names?”  
  
I look up at 34 who notices my gaze and meets it. “Any ideas?”  
  
He didn’t hesitate. “We’ll be Team Sidecar.” He seemed satisfied with his choice.  
  
I nodded in approval. “I like that.” My grin becomes a beaming smile.  
  
“Me, too.” His gaze softened as if he was taking in my reaction. “I can’t lose this game,” he mumbled.  
  
“Hm?” I didn’t quite catch the last part of what he had said.  
  
“Nothing,” he assured.  
  
“Okay, me first!” Reiko announced. She picked up a red ball, rested it in her hand, and stood up straight. In the years we’ve known each other, I had never witnessed her bowling skills. Seeing it for the first time now, I felt a sense of pride. Her eyes intensely looking at her target, she brought her arm back and in a beautiful sweeping motion, released the ball from her determined hand. Her right leg curved behind her left, and a moment later, a crashing sound filled the area as all ten pins fell in defeat.  
  
“Ahhhh!!!” Reiko squealed. She ran toward Toma and gave him a high five.  
  
“Impressive, Miss Reiko.” 34 clapped at her accomplishment.  
  
“Thank you!” Her face was glowing with excitement. I couldn’t help but smile back at her.  
  
“Reiko, that was an awesome throw,” I praised. Blushing, she mouthed a ‘thank you’ in return.  
  
“All right, it’s your turn, Juri.” Shun pointed to the scoreboard.  
  
“Time for Team Animal Rights,” Juri said proudly. “We fight for a cause.” She picked up her bowling ball, and threw it as powerfully as she could. The ball rolled at an angle and managed to hit two end pins.  
  
“Damn it!” She stomped the floor, objecting to the result. Shun came up to her and started to give advice.  
  
“When you release the ball, look ahead at your target,” he directed. “Oh, can’t do that if you’ve got this in your face.” Shun took his hands and tucked the stray strands of her hair behind her ears. “There, that’s better, isn’t it?”  
  
Juri rarely gets embarrassed, but when she does, it’s never subtle. Her face and ears turned beet red, and she almost dropped the ball on the floor. Flustered, her next throw headed straight to the gutter.  
  
“I suck at this,” she frowned. When she met eyes with Shun, she gave a faint smile.  
  
It was our turn. I look at 34, who was looking at Shun again. “Should I go first?” I call to him.  
  
He shifted his gaze toward me. “Yeah, go for it.”  
  
“I’m not very good, though,” I warned.  
  
“Here, I’ll tell you a little secret about bowling.” He got up from his seat and came up behind me. “First, the stance. Keep your elbows in a straight line from the ball.” He reached his arms from behind and held my hands.  
  
“O-Okay…” I could feel his chest on my back. It was warm and muscular, and his arms enveloped me completely. There was a sense of security about him, a kind of confidence that I could accomplish anything. He made me strong.  
  
“Second, the release,” he continued. “When you let go, just be confident. Tell yourself that you’re going to hit those pins. Believe in yourself.” I felt a tingling sensation down my neck as he spoke right beside my ear. The wispy strands of his hair tickled my cheek and swept across them a rosy hue.  
  
I nodded shyly, but I was no longer nervous about the game. Thanks to him, I felt confident. I swung my arm back and when it returned forward like a pendulum, I let go of the ball. _Believe in yourself, Kokoro. You are going to hit those pins._  
  
A cracking sound was followed by a few pins toppling over like dominoes. _Oh, my gosh. Are you serious…?_  
  
“Yeah!” 34 applauded as I turned around at him with a shocked expression.  
  
“I can’t believe I got a strike! I’ve never gotten a strike before.” Excited, I jump up and down to celebrate.  
  
“That’s my girl,” he said as he pet my head. For the moment, I was happy to let those words hang as they were. I was in no hurry to chase after his next conversation.  
  
It was the men’s turn to bowl. Thankfully for the other teams, Toma wasn’t as skilled a bowler as Reiko was, but managed to get a spare. When it was Shun’s turn to step up to the lane, I saw him give 34 a look, to which 34 returned a similar stare. Without saying a word, the two men had confronted each other and there was tangible tension in the air.  
  
“You can do it, Shun!” Juri cheered.  
  
“I got this,” Shun replied over his shoulder. He swung the ball forward, and almost immediately following, a loud crack echoed at the other end of the lane. “Yes!” he said under his breath.  
  
I clapped as he returned to his seat. “Wow, you’re really good, Mr. Shun.”  
  
“Aw, thanks,” he looked at me and winked. “I think I do better when there are pretty girls watching.” He sat down next to Juri and put his arm around her, but kept his eyes on me. I look away, feeling uncomfortable, and face 34 who had seen the whole thing.  
  
“It’s your turn,” Shun directed with his chin.  
  
“I know,” 34 replied coolly. Before getting out of his seat, he looked at me one more time and left me with his gentle smile. Then, he rolled up his sleeves and stood up.  
  
My eyes followed his movements. I noticed his strong fingers as he picked up his 14-pounder ball, the curve in his biceps as he brought the ball under his chin, the striations in his forearms, and his broad shoulders pulling on the fabric of his shirt. His eyes stared down the lane, unwavering pupils focused on the target. After taking one, quick breath, he stepped out and swung his arm back. The whole sequence of movements had a fluidity to it, as if an artist had painted him with a single stroke. When the ball left his hand, his bangs fell gently over his determined eyes. For a moment, it felt like time stood still.  
  
A loud bang soon followed as the pins flung into the air.  
  
I stood up to cheer. “Wow, that was amazing!” My face beamed with awe as I flashed a big smile.  
  
He walked back unaffected by his accomplishment. He didn’t look anywhere else except at me. Smiling back, he gently pinched my cheek.  
  
“Don’t you go sharing that smile with any other guy, all right?” he playfully warned.  
  
\--  
  
The game continued on, the scores much closer than I initially expected. In the final frame, Toma managed two strikes, while both Shun and 34 hit a strike and spare each. Neither budged to give the other any leeway. But even before the scoreboard calculated the total, Shun hit his knee in frustration.  
  
“Looks like Team Reima takes the gold,” Reiko announced happily. “But I’m pretty impressed, you guys. I didn’t think it would be such a close game.”  
  
“Sorry we didn’t win,” I pouted. His frames were strikes and spares, but mine were sprinkled with unpredictable numbers and a few lucky strikes. I was the chink in our armor.  
  
“Did you have fun?” he asked, clearly uninterested in my previous statement.  
  
“Are you kidding? I got my first strike!” I was getting excited again just remembering it.  
  
“That’s what matters.” He sat down to take his shoes off.  
  
“You were amazing, though,” I complimented. “And without your help, I wouldn’t have gotten those strikes.”  
  
He smiled without looking at me. “I’ll take your shoes back. Wait here and get ready.”  
  
I unlaced my shoelaces and handed him my pair. “Thank you.”  
  
After nodding in acknowledgment, he cast his gaze on Shun. “Let’s go return these shoes.”  
  
“All right,” he replied, getting up with his pair in his hand.  
  
“Don’t you think the man should take his date’s shoes so she can rest her feet?” 34 stopped him.  
  
Shun let out an arrogant chuckle but did as he was told. After Juri handed her shoes off to Shun, the two walked toward the counter.  
  
“…Hey, Juri?”  
  
“Yeah, I don’t know, either,” she answered before I could even ask the question.  
  
“Sorry, I’ve never seen him act like that…”  
  
“So, what do you think of Shun?” Juri invited my opinion. “He’s pretty cute, isn’t he?”  
  
I wasn’t completely sure how to answer her. We had different tastes in men, but Juri was a decent girl with high expectations. She needed a man who was strong enough to lead her because she, too, was the leader type. The man had to make her want to be vulnerable with him, to let him take control in the relationship. In the short span of time I spent seeing them interact, I didn’t quite get that impression from Shun.  
  
“Did you have fun?” I repeated a question someone else had asked me earlier.  
  
“Honestly, I didn’t think I would going into it. He’s kinda young, still some growing up to do, but he’s interested. I’m willing to let my expectations slide since he seems so crazy about me.” Juri shrugged her shoulders but there was a genuine smile on her face. She was happy.  
  
“I’m happy for you,” I replied. I meant it.  
  
“Hey, where are those two?” Reiko came over to check up on us.  
  
“Oh. I thought they went to return our shoes,” Juri explained. “They are taking a while, though, huh?”  
  
I looked at the service counter but didn’t see them there. Worried, I took out my phone and wondered if I should call him.  
  
“Sorry for the wait.” 34 returned with his hands in his jean pockets.  
  
“Where’s Shun?” Juri looked around.  
  
“He had to leave,” 34 replied.  
  
“What? Why?” Juri was confused, and so were the rest of us.  
  
“He didn’t say,” 34 answered. “But it was urgent.”  
  
“Oh. I guess I’ll call him later.” Juri seemed disappointed, and looked at her watch. “I should get going too, then.”  
  
“I’m sorry he didn’t get to say goodbye to you,” 34 apologized on Shun’s behalf.  
  
“…Well, maybe we should call it a day, then?” Reiko suggested. “Toma’s shift starts in a few hours, anyway. You can get our drinks another time, no sweat.”  
  
“O-Oh, okay,” I nodded. “Thanks for coming out with us, I had a lot of fun.”  
  
After some goodbyes and I’ll-text-you-laters, I was left alone with 34. He seemed perfectly composed, save for a few strands of his bangs, which stood upward like they were on edge about something.  
  
“…Where’s Shun?” Juri didn’t get any answers, so I was determined to get him to talk.  
  
“He went home,” he replied, not meeting eyes.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“It’s not important.” His eyes reassured his words. But this time, I stood my ground.  
  
“It’s important to me,” I insisted. “Juri’s one of my best friends, and he was her date.”  
  
Sighing contritely, he looked intently at me. There was never hesitation in his words and actions, and this time was no different.  
  
“Are you hungry?”  
  
“Excuse me?” _Are you just going to ignore the elephant in the room?_  
  
“I know a good place. I’d like to keep this date going for a little longer, if you don’t mind.” He grabbed my purse with his left hand and handed it to me, then started walking toward the exit.  
  
“W-Wait…” I follow him, determined to get some answers.  
  
Turning around at the door, he waited for me to finish my thought. _Why did Shun go home? Did something happen between you two? Tell me why you were so hostile toward him._ Such questions and more swirled around in my head. But when his gentle gaze stared back at me, I felt my willpower giving in to his magic. I couldn’t fight it; I already knew the battle was lost.  
  
“…Where are we going?”  
  
A playful smile crossed his face. “You’ll know in a bit.”


	7. Umbrella Term

“After you, Miss Kokoro.”  
  
The “date” continued on just the two of us, and in true 34 fashion, he led the way while I followed, with no idea where we were headed. When we arrived at our destination, he held the door open and waited for me to walk into the restaurant first. Well, it was more like an izakaya once I stepped in. From every direction, I could hear clinking of glasses in celebration of some occasion, laughter booming as alcohol impaired the imbibers’ volume controls, and the hustle-bustle of servers’ feet as they shuffled busily from one table to another.  
  
“Good evening, how many?” A young woman wearing a bandana rushed over to the door to tend to me. Used to speaking across the room, her voice was loud and piercing.  
  
“Maki-chan.” 34 closed the door behind him and waved.  
  
“Sakurai sempai…!” Her eyes grew a size larger at the sight of an unexpected customer. “Long time, no see!” A huge smile crossed her face.  
  
_Does he know everyone in Tokyo…?_  
  
“It’s been a while,” 34 agreed. “Could you put us in the back room?”  
  
The young woman shifted her gaze from 34 to me and realized that we were in the same party. “Let me see what I can do.” She gave me a friendly smile.  
  
After a few moments, she returned and gave us a thumbs up. “All yours.”  
  
“Thanks,” 34 said as he stepped forward and led the way. We passed several tables and a bar area before we reached a walkway that led to a door. He slid the door aside. Inside, there was a single table atop a tatami-floored private room. He removed his shoes and stepped in, then retrieved two seat cushions and placed one on either side of the table. He looked at me still standing by the door.  
  
“Aren’t you coming in?” He pointed to a seat cushion and invited me to sit.  
  
I removed my shoes and accepted his invitation. It was hard to imagine this being a part of the same izakaya; the busyness didn’t bother us in here. As soon as I took my seat, the young woman excused herself into the room with some water and wet hand towels.  
  
“Could I get you anything else to drink?” she asked. “Oh, and Sakurai sempai. The first drink is on the house,” she smiled.  
  
“You don’t need to do that,” 34 courteously replied.  
  
“Please. It’s my treat.” She was eager to treat him well.  
  
“If you insist.” He looked my way. “What would you like?”  
  
“Oh, um…” I scan their drink menu. _Sidecar._ I remember the last time I ordered this drink and quickly change my mind. “Beer, I guess?”  
  
“Their umeshu selection is outstanding,” he suggested. “Want to give it a shot?”  
  
“If you’re thinking about trying umeshu, I’d recommend the Yumehibiki,” the young woman explained.  
  
“That’s a good one,” 34 agreed. I wasn’t much of a umeshu drinker, but the same could have been said about cognac. He had yet to disappoint me with drink choices, and tonight was probably no different.  
  
“All right, I’ll take that.”  
  
“You won’t regret it,” the young woman assured. Then, before taking 34’s order, she reached out her hand and flashed a smile. “I’m Maki!”  
  
Although slightly taken aback, I took her hand and shook it. “…I’m Kokoro.”  
  
“Hi, Kokoro-san!” She was full of energy. “I just want to let you know that a friend of Sakurai sempai’s is also a friend of mine.”  
  
I stared at 34 in confusion, but he didn’t join our conversation. He sat there, hands behind him on the ground, leaning back. Clearly, he was enjoying watching me stumble through this situation.  
  
“Thank you,” I replied. Not knowing what to do with my hands, I take the glass of water and bring it to my lips.  
  
“Sakurai sempai! You didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend!” Maki gave a friendly slap on 34’s shoulder. Water nearly came out my nose.  
  
“She’s not my girlfriend,” 34 answered nonchalantly. Then, he watched me put the glass down and wipe my mouth with my fingers. “Not yet, anyway.”  
  
_Excuse me…?_  
I start coughing uncontrollably.  
  
“So she’s the type of girl you like, huh?” Maki nodded in approval. “I like her.”  
  
“Me, too,” he said, without breaking his gaze.  
  
“Sorry, sempai. I haven’t even taken your order!” Taking out her pen again, she waited for him to make his choice.  
  
“I’ll just take a Kirin. First press, if you have it.”  
  
“We do!” She jotted down his order and stood up to leave. “Kokoro-san.”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“I hope you know you’re one lucky gal.” With that, she left the room.  
  
34 hadn’t moved, his arms still behind him, relaxed and unaffected. He watched me fidget uncomfortably, obviously flustered by the word grenade his friend had left behind. Suddenly, he let out the laugh he had tried to bury.  
  
“You’re cute when you’re embarrassed.”  
  
The blood gushed upward to my face, and I could feel my cheeks turning red. It was unfair: he knew that the more he teased, the more uncomfortable I’d be in my own skin.  
  
“Are you having fun at my expense?” I breathe deeply in an attempt to calm my nerves.  
  
“I see you’re not good at taking compliments,” 34 observed.  
  
I fell silent. He was right about me again. Ever since I could remember, I was afraid of receiving compliments. Every compliment came an expectation. If someone praised me for my creative mind, I was terrified of letting him or her down with some mediocre idea. If a man commended me for my looks, I dreaded the day he’d see me in sweats, sans makeup.  
  
“By the way,” he carried on. “Did you change the passcode to your phone?” He looked my way with a knowing smile.  
  
“N-No…”  
  
“You should. Men can take advantage of situations like that.” He took a sip of his water.  
  
“You DID take advantage,” I corrected. Who knows what information he had accessed without my discretion?  
  
“Did I?” His curious eyes scanned my face, his voice sultry and suggestive.  
  
“That’s why you texted me.”  
  
“And you texted me back,” he reminded. “I didn’t know you were an emoji user.” He let out a chuckle.  
  
“Oh, geez…” I cover my eyes with my hands. “That—”  
  
“That wasn’t you? Is that what you were going to say?”  
  
I peeked from between my fingers and nodded.  
  
“I know,” he said matter-of-factly. “I’d guess it was Miss Reiko?”  
  
I was astonished. “H…How did you know that?”  
  
“I told you. I’m a good guesser.” His eyes twinkled delightfully. “Plus, you’re not an emoji kind of woman.”  
  
_How did you know that?_  
  
“You like what I did with my name?” he smirked.  
  
I bite the inside of my cheek. “Are you making fun of me again? Am I just ‘Miss 33’ to you?”  
  
“Aren’t I just ‘34’ to you?” he challenged. “You’ve yet to call me by my real name, save for that one time you accused me for not introducing myself.”  
  
My posture loosens as I let out a sigh. He was right, once again.  
  
“That’s all right,” he said. “It’s your nickname for me, just like ‘Miss 33’ is mine for you.”  
  
_A nickname._ I hadn’t thought about it like that before. There was an exclusive element to it, a sort of codename only we shared. I liked that.  
  
“No one else calls you that, do they?” He took one hand and scratched the back of his head. “Let’s keep it that way.”  
  
Leaving me struggling for words, he turned toward the door where there was a knock. Maki returned, our drinks in hand.  
  
“Here’s your Yumehibiki, and this is your Kirin, first press.” She placed the glasses down. “Did you want anything to eat?”  
  
In my embarrassment, I had totally forgotten to look through their menu. But 34, calm and composed as ever, started ordering for the both of us.  
  
“Let’s get the radish salad, the yakitori sampler, and, do you still have those special takoyaki?”  
  
Maki nodded encouragingly.  
  
“Then, an order of that, too,” he added.  
  
“I’ll tell them to add extra octopus in your takoyaki,” Maki grinned.  
  
\--  
  
Another server delivered the food, and once again, he did not disappoint. The radish was crisp and went perfectly with the plum-vinegar dressing, the yakitori was cooked to perfection with just the right amount of salt, and the special takoyaki had every right to be called ‘special’. They had used a house special chicken stock in the mix, allowing the outer layer to be crispy but leaving the inside fluffy and juicy.  
  
“This is amazing!” I raved. “Do they use more chicken stock than other places? Because the inside is so flu…” My sentence trailed off. I revisit a memory from lunch earlier today, and refrain from dissecting the recipe further.  
  
“The inside is so…?” 34 pressed me to finish my sentence.  
  
I shook my head defiantly.  
  
“Oh, I see. You think I’m going to tease you again,” he nodded as he popped one, large takoyaki in his mouth.  
  
“Certainly wouldn’t put it past you,” I said skeptically.  
  
He chewed on the food, cheeks ballooning from the delectable bite. I had always seen him as a mysterious Don Juan, dangerous and captivating, calculating and seductive. But in this moment, I thought I saw a different side of him, an endearing man, satisfied with something as simple as a single takoyaki.  
  
“Oh…” I pointed to the corner of my mouth. He had a bit of sauce that got left there.  
  
Intrigued, he took the opportunity to tease me again. “You want to get it for me?”  
  
I drop my chopsticks in surprise. _Great. Let the teasing begin._  
  
His eyes followed my chopsticks. One fell on the table, the other on the seat cushion. As suspected, he let out a laugh.  
  
“Didn’t know my words had that kind of effect on you,” he smiled. Then, he parted his juicy lips, took his middle finger to the corner of his mouth, wiped the sauce off, and sucked the tip of his finger to clean it. My heart began to race once more.  
  
“Wh…What are you talking about?” Flustered, my hands fidget and don’t work like I want them to trying to collect the chopsticks.  
  
He observed me making a fool out of myself once again, and repeated himself. “You’re cute when you’re embarrassed.”  
  
I hang my head and close my eyes in defeat. Looking back up at him, I hide my red cheeks with my hands. “Do you enjoy making fun of me?”  
  
Then, I remember a conversation I once had with a client.  
_“Here’s what you do. Watch him interact with other women. I’ll bet you a handsome and successful doctor that he won’t tease any of them like he teases you. You’re special to him.”_  
  
I recalled the events from earlier this afternoon and how it had bothered me, the way he interacted with Juri and Reiko. Lost in my thoughts, I release my hands from my rosy cheeks.  
  
“I see you’re still not good at taking compliments,” he responded. “That’s all right, we’ll work on that.”  
  
_Huh?_  
Once again, I was lost in the labyrinth of his magic.  
  
“Anyway, I’m sorry about earlier,” he changed the subject.  
  
“Sorry about what?”  
  
He looked at me, eyebrows raised. “About Shun.”  
  
_Oh, my god.  
How could I forget?_  
  
“That’s right,” I replied defiantly. “Why did Shun leave all of a sudden?” _This may be the only upper hand I get._  
  
“I don’t like him,” he stated firmly.  
  
“…What?”  
  
“Miss Juri deserves someone better.”  
  
My jaw dropped, astonished. “How would you know that? Juri really likes him. Now, she’s under the impression that she did something wrong.”  
  
He put his elbow on the table and rested his chin on his fingers. “I’m sorry for that misunderstanding,” he stated, his voice sincere. “But I won’t apologize for not liking him.” His expression wasn’t hostile, but there was a sense of rigidity to it, and his gaze urged me not to question further. _But who would you be if you didn’t embarrass yourself, Kokoro?_  
  
“…Why don’t you like him?” It was a gamble, and I wasn’t sure if he’d give me an answer. I took extra care in how I phrased the question.  
  
Just then, we heard a knock at the door. “Sempai? Do you remember Mr. Isono?” An older man, perhaps in his late forties, bowed and entered the room.  
  
“Mr. Isono!” Immediately, 34’s expression loosened into a friendly smile. “How’ve you been?”  
  
“I’ve been very well,” the man replied politely.  
  
“And that’s Kokoro-san,” Maki introduced. I smiled to acknowledge.  
  
“W…ait, you never told me you had a girlfriend.” Mr. Isono looked curiously at 34.  
  
34 chuckled and held out his hand toward the door. “Care to show me around?”  
  
The two men exited the room, and I was left alone with Maki. I was no recluse, but I was also no social butterfly. In context, I could be chatty, say, with my clients at work. But under such peculiar circumstances, I wasn’t really sure what to say. I barely knew her, after all.  
  
She broke the ice. “I meant what I said earlier, about you being lucky.”  
  
“O-Oh?”  
  
“You could say I owe Sakurai sempai my life.”  
  
_…Huh?_  
The conversation took an unexpected turn and I had a hard time digesting everything.  
  
“He and I met at Keio,” she explained. “I was just a freshman when he was a senior. He was part of the university soccer team, so I joined the women’s team in hopes to get close to him.”  
  
“I see,” I nodded. _What did she mean by getting close to him?_  
  
“He was suuuuper popular. I don’t think I met a single Keio girl who didn’t like him. He was and still probably is the object of every woman’s desire. He’s quite a legend there.” I watched her describe 34 as a university student. She spoke quite a bit with her hands, her animated face eager to share. It was strange to hear about him out of context of what I knew, that he had a life outside of my understanding.  
  
“Anyway, about halfway through the school year, I confessed my feelings to him. In hindsight, I’m sure my confession was just one of the hundreds he’d received during his time at Keio, but I didn’t want to regret not telling him, you know?”  
  
“And…?” I tried to sound as unaffected as possible. _This was years ago, Kokoro._  
  
“Nothing,” she shook her head. “He said he was flattered, but that I’d be better off dating someone who could make me happy.”  
  
“…Why would he say that?” I furrow my eyebrows.  
  
“I still don’t know to this day,” she shrugged her shoulders. “But it hurt me a lot back then, feeling rejected. That’s when this other guy started showing interest in me. He was my year… shoot, I can’t even remember his name now.” She chuckled to herself. “I guess time does heal everything.”  
  
I smile at her. “And look, you’re able to laugh about it now.” I wondered when that time would come for me.  
  
“Yeah, I guess so!” she laughed back. “Well, anyway, he was really assertive with his advances, and I was also in a vulnerable place. So, I started dating him. But then, it turned out that he was only using me for my body.”  
  
I felt disgusted. No one deserves such humiliating treatment. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”  
  
“Me, too. But you know, even painful events have a silver lining. Sakurai sempai taught me that.”  
  
“Hm?” I tilt my head, intrigued.  
  
“That guy was harassing me after class. He wanted me to go to a love hotel with him. I just thought things were moving way too fast, plus, my parents would’ve killed me if they had found out. Sakurai sempai spotted us and intervened.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I still remember what sempai told him, word for word: ‘Women aren’t mere objects of a man’s fancy.’ It stuck with me. Gosh… I can remember all these details, but not the name of the douchebag. What’s wrong with me?” She laughed at herself.  
  
_“Women aren’t mere objects of a man’s fancy.”_  
The beautiful words echoed inside my mind and ricocheted like bullets through the heart.  
  
“Oh, my god! Shun!! That was his name!” Maki exclaimed. “I knew that information was in there somewhere,” she said as she tapped her head.  
  
_…Wait.  
Shun??_  
  
“Uh, y-you said his name was Shun?” I needed to make sure.  
  
“Yeah, Kanemoto Shun. He was on the same soccer team as Sakurai sempai, but after that incident, he picked up bowling instead. I guess it got too awkward for him. A classmate who’s connected to him on Facebook told me he’s a vet now, but I don’t believe it. I used to pay for him every time we went on a date because he didn’t like to work. There’s no way he could pass vet school. What a filthy liar.” She shook her head in disapproval.  
  
_Oh, my god.  
This is the same Shun._  
Shocked and revolted, all I can do is keep myself from looking angry.  
  
_“I don’t like him.”  
“Miss Juri deserves someone better.”_  
And here I was, thinking it was selfish of him to interrupt Shun’s date with Juri. I was filled with remorse for accusing him earlier.  
  
“Goodness, I’m sorry! I totally blabbed on about myself,” Maki apologized. “Enough about me. How did you and Sakurai sempai meet?”  
  
“U-Uh…” My mind was in overdrive from all the information it had just received. I was having a hard time stringing sentences together.  
  
“Are you a photographer, too?” she asked.  
  
“…Excuse me?”  
  
“Have you seen his stuff? They’re breathtaking,” she said longingly. “I thought you were one of his colleagues.”  
  
“O-Oh, uh… n-no.” _Actually, he’s a nightclub host and I’m his client. There was no way I could say that._  
  
“Oh. Well, if you haven’t seen his works, you’re missing out. He’s contracted with huge publications, and even has his own photobook.”  
  
_…What?  
"I do this in my free time."  
Isn’t that what you told me?_  
  
Maki sighed, but was smiling. “I don’t know how you got him, but you really are a lucky gal.”  
  
I chuckled nervously.  
  
“It’s no hyperbole when I say that he had women swarming around him to get a glimpse of him play, to be the first to give him presents after a match, to have the chance to be with him.” She started cleaning up the table. “But the legend goes, that he rejected every single confession of love for him. Even the prettiest, smartest, richest girls wouldn’t do.”  
  
I watch her as she reminisced on younger days. She spoke so fondly of them and I could understand why. Where he is, the world becomes more vibrant and exciting, the same smells and sounds feel fresh and untainted, the mundane becomes extraordinary. It seemed he had that power on everyone in his life.  
  
“But you,” she stopped her hands to look at me. “Clearly, there’s something special about you. You must be different. I must admit, I’m a bit jealous.”  
  
I shook my head. “Really… I’m not that special. Very plain, actually.” I laugh awkwardly at myself. Even I couldn’t really understand why he wanted to spend time with me.  
  
“Don’t talk like that, Kokoro-san.” Maki refused to hear it. “I need to believe there’s something special about you. Otherwise, I can’t come to terms with all this.”  
  
The struggle in her eyes pained me.  
  
“Kokoro-san.” Her expression was formal and solemn. “Please take good care of Sakurai sempai.” Maki turned her whole body toward me and bowed deeply, her hands on the tatami.  
  
“M-Miss Maki, please… there’s no need for this.” I touch her arm and tell her to raise her head.  
  
“I want to see sempai happy,” she looked into my eyes. “I think you can help him with that.”  
  
Overwhelmed with her trust in me and the crushing responsibility of what she had revealed, all I could do was nod resolutely.  
  
“You better come back here more often.” A man’s voice broke the silence.  
  
“I will,” 34 replied.  
  
“And bring her, too,” Mr. Isono poked his head into the room and pointed at me.  
  
“Certainly.” 34 nodded and walked back into the room. He checked to see that I was done eating. “Are you ready to go?”  
  
“Y-Yeah.” I get up and grab my purse. “What about the bill?” I remember suddenly.  
  
“Mr. Sakurai has already taken care of it,” Mr. Isono bowed. “Your money is no good here.”  
  
Grinning, 34 waited for me at the door. He made this sort of thing look effortless.  
  
“Sakurai sempai!” Maki stood in front of him with a determined expression.  
  
“Hm?” His voice was gentle and inviting.  
  
“I like her,” she asserted.  
  
“Me, too,” he repeated.  
  
“And I’m so happy that you’re happy.” She then smiled to fight back the tears welling up in her eyes.  
  
“You’re a good girl, Maki-chan,” he pat her on the shoulder. “It makes me happy that you’re happy, too.”  
  
In that moment, I could see everything about their relationship. For Maki, it wasn’t merely feelings of longing and love; she respected and admired him. And 34, though still shrouded in mystery, was an honorable man who could make any woman feel like they were on top of the world, even those he had turned away. His magic was not exclusive; it affected everyone and everything around him.  
  
I take a deep breath. It seemed the feelings I have for him fell short to hers. And yet, she congratulated us with dignity. Being in love with 34 was never a casual affair, but Maki reminded me that what I have is remarkable, that other women yearned to have what I have. I vow to commit to my feelings. Otherwise, I would be doing a disservice to her and the many others he had turned down over the years.  
  
Mr. Isono opened the door for us to exit, and suddenly, we heard pounding rain.  
  
“Oh, dear. Did you bring an umbrella, Mr. Sakurai?” he asked.  
  
“Unfortunately, no,” 34 replied. I shook my head to signal that I didn’t bring one, either.  
  
“One moment.” Mr. Isono rushed to the back of the izakaya, and came back with one umbrella. “This was left here by one of our customers a while back. I’m sure he’d appreciate it being put to good use.” He handed the umbrella to 34.  
  
“Thank you, Mr. Isono,” 34 smiled and bowed.  
  
“Please come back soon, Sakurai sempai!” Maki waved. “You too, Kokoro-san.” Her eyes were full of trust. I nodded once again, returning the gaze. _I’ll do my best not to let you down._  
  
Once outside and under the awning, he stuck his hand out toward me. “Let me see that,” he said, and took my purse.  
  
“What are you doing?” I look up at him, bewildered.  
  
He undid the parka on his hips and covered my purse with it. “It’s a nice purse. I don’t want it to get wet.” He gave a fleeting grin and held the parka close to his chest. “Come on.”  
  
The rain hammered on the umbrella and I could barely see a few feet in front of me. He held it over us, but it was much too small for two people.  
  
“Stand close,” he invited with his hand. “I’ll take you home.”  
  
\--  
  
By the time we got off the train and walked back to my apartment, it was already past 11:00PM. The rain showed no sign of stopping, and it was getting a little chilly.  
  
“Will you be okay from here?” He had walked me all the way to the entrance of my building. He folded the umbrella momentarily while we stood under the covering.  
  
“Yes…” I nodded. For the amount of rain coming down, I stayed relatively dry, I thought. My booties were swimming in water and my bare legs were shining from the moisture, but other than that, the damage was minimal.  
  
“Here.” 34 handed me my purse. It was completely dry and warm from his body heat.  
  
“Thank you.” When I retrieved it, my hand accidentally grazed his. It felt very cold. “Oh, my gosh…” I noticed that his shirt was almost completely wet, drops of water dripping from his bangs and arms. His shoes were soggy, and his jeans had gotten a shade or two darker from soaking up the rain.  
  
“Hm?” His voice was sweet and smooth, like honey.  
  
“You’re soaked!” I stared at him, concerned.  
  
“I’ll be all right,” he smiled gently. “Good night, Miss 33.”  
  
“No, wait…” I stop him. “You should come inside and dry off.”  
  
The corner of his mouth curled, and he set his trap. “Are you inviting me up to your room?”  
  
My lips part, embarrassed. “N-No, I just thought you’d catch a cold…!” My futile attempt to explain myself was all in vain.  
  
His smirk metamorphosed into a grin. “So, on the pretense of caring about me, you want to invite me up to your room?”  
  
I was starting to feel warm from the blood rushing to my cheeks. “Forget it,” I sulked.  
  
He shook the water from his head with his fingers. “You can’t take back an invitation. That’s rude.”  
  
_I can’t win._  
  
I punch in the access code, and the elevator doors open to let us in.


	8. A Fair Exchange

“14th floor.” He pressed the button in the elevator shamelessly as if he were heading back to his own room. The rain made his shirt and jeans cling to his skin, accentuating the curves of his body and leaving plenty of room for my imagination to run wild. Droplets fell from his hair and onto his face, glistening skin inviting.  
  
When we arrived at my floor, he let me lead the way, but not without a proper teasing.  
  
“Do you need me to carry you to your room, Miss 33?” he proposed.  
  
“…You’re not going to let me live that down, are you?”  
  
A mischievous smile surfaced as we neared my door. “I think that memory is the least of your worries,” he reminded, his eyes twinkling. Right away, I knew what he was trying to say. Though I was fully clothed this time, I felt exposed and embarrassed.  
  
After that fiasco, I had cleaned my living space quite thoroughly, and made sure that all my clean laundry was neatly folded and placed back in their proper dresser drawers. It wasn’t like I was expecting him to return. Or at least, not in this way. Still, a part of me was thankful the rain worked in my favor.  
  
“Wait here,” I instructed. Making my way to my room, I grabbed a clean bath towel and the largest, non-feminine shirt and shorts I could find. _Oh. These are Ryota’s._ I thought I had given back everything that was his, thrown away anything that held sentimental value from that relationship. I felt a tinge of pain as the memories insisted that I pay attention to them. _It’s either this outfit or girly pajamas, Kokoro._ Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I made my way back to the living room.  
  
“Where should I put this?” There he was, standing there, shirtless. His hair was starting to dry off ever so slightly, his eyes playing hide and seek behind his messy bangs.  
  
“Aah…!” I close my eyes immediately and look away. “Y-Your shirt…”  
  
Unfazed, he walked over, once again standing in my line of vision. “It’s not your first time seeing a man’s body now, is it?”  
  
The line of his neck followed down to a pair of exposed collarbones, accentuated with each inhale. His broad shoulders gave way to defined arms, and as he swept the bangs away from his face, I could see the curves of his triceps and the tuft of armpit hair peeking at my rosy cheeks. His chest was muscular and porcelain smooth, and his abs showing slightly with every exhale. I even noticed the trail of hair leading down from his belly button and into his jeans. It was hard to fight it; his seductive body played games with my weak-willed mind.  
  
“Mind if I take a shower first?” He loosed his belt and looked me straight in the eyes. All I could manage was a feeble nod.  
  
“Thanks.” He grabbed the towel in my hand and closed the bathroom door behind him. Meanwhile, I was still trying to recover from what I had just seen. Snapping out of the daze, I noticed that I was still holding something in my hands. _Oh, crap. His change of clothes._ Behind the door, I could hear running water as it hit the tile flooring. I imagined the water dripping off his silky skin, shampoo suds trickling down, not missing a single crevice on his body. My mind liked what it saw and ran with the imagination.  
  
_Should I go in there to put this down?_  
I stared at the dry clothes and weighed my options. It would be awkward if he noticed I entered without warning. Besides, I wasn’t like him; I wasn’t going to get a look of his naked body without his consent. Okay, I thought. I’ll just wait until he’s done showering to give him these. _That’s the decent thing to do._  
  
Thinking I should busy myself while waiting, I headed toward the kitchen and placed the clothes on the counter. I mindlessly grabbed the kettle to boil some water and recalled the events from the day. There were parts I did not understand, like why he chose to keep his relationship with Shun a secret, or why he treated Reiko and Juri so differently. And what about this Maki girl? His photography career? His past?  
  
“Oh, shoot…!” I look down at the sink and realize that the kettle has been full for quite some time, excess water overflowing on the sides. I quickly turn the faucet off and wipe the outside of the kettle before placing it on the stove. I ready two teacups, just in case he wants some after his shower. It felt surreal in a way. The last time I served tea for a man was for Ryota, but such memories were starting to loosen their grip on me. They no longer suffocated me like they had before, and I felt freer knowing I could let go.  
  
“That’s unfair.”  
  
I jump, startled by his voice. “I-I didn’t hear you come ou…t…” My voice trailed off as my eyes took in the view. His hair, still wet, looked cleaner and combed through. With nothing to wear, his upper body was bare, his skin slightly red from the hot water. A thick, cotton towel was the only thing blocking my view of everything else. His knees and muscular calves peeked from underneath it, bare feet a little wrinkly from walking in the rain. The same body wash I always used smelled differently on him, and like sweet nectar, his body let off a tantalizing fragrance. The towel fit snugly at his waist, and I could make out the curves of his hips and thighs, among other things.  
  
“You readied a change of clothes but didn’t bother to give them to me?” He teasingly accused.  
  
“Wha…n-no, I just… forgot.” I shifted my gaze away from his body and grabbed the clothes. “Here.” I stared at the floor.  
  
“Oh?” I saw his feet draw nearer. His hand reached out toward my face and effortlessly flicked my chin upward with his fingers. My gaze rested on his shiny lips. It was getting harder and harder to breathe.  
  
“Let’s be honest, Miss 33,” he smirked. “You purposefully withheld this so you could see me like this.” He paused. “Right?”  
  
“N-No…!” I gasped.  
  
“Then, why didn’t you just come in and leave it in the bathroom?” His face inched closer.  
  
My heart was beating so loudly I was afraid he could hear it, too. “Because…” I gulped. “I don’t go looking at someone else’s naked body without their consent.”  
  
He nodded as he smiled mysteriously. “And? What do you think you’re doing now?” His body was almost touching mine, and I could feel the heat emanating from his bare skin. Snickering at my reaction, he backed off and watched me unable to move.  
  
“Aren’t you going to get that?” He took the clothes from my weak grip.  
  
“…H…uh?” Dumbstruck and mind foggy from his magic, I could barely make out a one-word sentence.  
  
He took his free hand and pointed behind me at the kettle. “That.”  
  
The lid shook violently as steam escaped furiously from the spout. Breaking away from the spell, I rushed over to turn the stove off and set the kettle aside.  
  
“Tea?” he guessed.  
  
I nodded shyly.  
  
Not bothering to change, he opened a cupboard where I kept my tea. “How about this one?” It was my favorite green tea.  
  
“…H…ow did you know—”  
  
“Where you keep your tea?” He closed the cupboard and looked at me with curious eyes.  
  
I nodded shyly once more.  
  
“It’s not my first time inside your apartment,” he chuckled innocently.  
  
My jaw dropped. “I didn’t say you could go and snoop around my kitchen!”  
  
“You didn’t say I couldn’t, either.”  
  
_Great. He found a loophole in my argument again._ Defeated, I snatched the tealeaves from his hand and started to prepare for two.  
  
“Did these once belong to that cognac guy?” He looked at the clothes in his hand.  
  
I remained quiet. They belonged to no one at this point, really.  
  
“I’ll go change.” He asked no further questions. It was like him; not once did he probe me to divulge more than I felt comfortable. Then again, he was so good at guessing that perhaps, I’ve never had to verbalize anything. I poured tea in both teacups and brought them over to the coffee table. I took a seat on the floor and took a deep breath. To distract my mind, I turned on the TV and pretended to pay attention to some unentertaining program.  
  
“Thanks for letting me wash up.” He returned to the living room wearing Ryota’s old clothes. To my surprise, he made it look stylish, so much so that I couldn’t even recall how the original owner looked in it.  
  
“…No problem,” I replied, clearing my throat. “There’s tea if you want it.”  
  
He took a seat on the couch behind me. His hair was almost completely dry, and in this light, looked soft and silky to the touch.  
  
“Aren’t you going to take a shower?” he asked.  
  
“Oh…” With so much on my mind, I had totally forgotten about that.  
  
“Go ahead. Don’t worry, I won’t go looking through your stuff.” He chuckled and took a sip of the tea.  
  
Like a marionette, I got up and did as I was told. Closing the bathroom door behind me, I took another deep breath to calm my nerves. In my dirty clothes hamper, I found his shirt and jeans. Everything he had been wearing seemed to be soaked in rain. For a moment, my heart fluttered at his kindness. _My clothes are barely wet._ He didn’t complain about the umbrella being too small, or how drenched he got walking me home. If I hadn’t noticed, he would have gone home in these wet clothes.  
  
I took off layer by layer, unhooking my bra and kicking off my undies. _Funny how, when I decide to wear decent underwear, no one else is here to see it, even accidentally._ The hot water relaxed my tense muscles and calmed my breathing. I let it trickle down my face. Suddenly, I realized my current situation. There is an attractive man in my living room sipping on tea I poured for him. The clothes he has on now are much too embarrassing to wear out in public. It’s still pouring outside. _If I wanted to, I could probably ask him to sleep with me. If he wanted to, I would probably say yes._ The thought alone made the steam rise from my body.  
  
I turned off the water and grabbed my towel to dry off.  
  
_Knock, knock._  
  
I could hear his breathing on the other side of the door. “Y-Yes?”  
  
No answer.  
  
“Can I help you?” I asked, but still no reply.  
  
“Uh…m, okay, give me a second…” I rushed to dry my body off completely and reached for my pajama top.  
  
_Click._  
  
The door opened and he entered the bathroom dragging his feet.  
  
“AHHH!!!” I screamed as I frantically covered myself with the towel. But his expression didn’t change. Instead, he drew closer to me, eyes glazed over, clearly unlike his usual self.  
  
“E-Excuse you! As if last time wasn’t enough, you’re going to barge in on me taking a shower?!” I backpedaled into the wall. There was nowhere to run.  
  
Heavy, deliberate steps made their way to where I was standing. I held my towel close to my body, making sure he couldn’t see anything. Then, his eyes focused on his prey. His breathing was heavy and coarse. An arm swung upward as his hand hit the wall right beside my ear.  
  
“W-Wha…What are you doing?” My heart pounded against my chest.  
  
He opened his mouth to say something, but his arm collapsed and he caught himself against the wall with his elbow, body leaning against mine. His hot breath hit my ear, making me quiver all the way down to my toes.  
  
“H…ey! Don’t…” I felt something searing my neck. “Oh, my god… you’re burning!”  
  
His eyes were closed and breathing, irregular. His lips were nestled at my neck, and with every exhale, I could feel him shiver.  
  
“You have a fever,” I alarmed. “Come on, let’s lie down.” I tried pushing his body away from mine, but he didn’t budge at all. “All right, stay right there…” He leaned on his arm as much as he could while I strategically wrapped the bath towel around my body and secured it. Then, using my body weight, I pushed him away from the wall. His arm fell over my shoulders, bare skin touching bare skin. _This is an emergency._ I push aside indecent thoughts and haul him over to my bed.  
  
“Nnngh…” he moaned as I placed him down on my bed.  
  
“Are you cold? Can you eat?” I pulled a spare blanket over his body. He nodded once, but I assumed his answer was for both questions.  
  
“Give me a few minutes.” I grabbed a fresh face towel from my dresser and rushed to the kitchen. After placing a few ice cubes into a bowl, I filled it with water and placed the towel inside. I checked my rice cooker and luckily, there was enough for two or three servings. I filled a pot with water and while I waited for it to boil, I took the ice bowl into his room. In my other hand, I held a glass of water with a straw for easy drinking.  
  
“Here, you need to stay hydrated.” I leaned down to look at his face. “Can you sit up at all?”  
  
He opened his heavy eyelids and slowly propped up onto his elbow. “Sorry.” He took a few sips of the water.  
  
“This isn’t time to be apologizing.” I wasn’t going to accept his apology. There was nothing for which he should be sorry. I wrung the face towel and placed it on his forehead.  
  
“Mm…” His eyebrows furrowed for a moment from the cold cloth, but his expression slowly loosened into a faint smile.  
  
“Let me know if you need anything else,” I got up to return to the kitchen. “I’m making you some porridge.”  
  
The water in the pot had started to bubble just as I returned. From the fridge, I grabbed an egg and some green onions. As I prepared the food, a concerning thought crossed my mind. _He’s so busy taking care of other people, who takes care of him?_ I put the remaining rice into the pot and flavored it with soy sauce and dashi. It was how I remembered my mom making it, and the simple recipe stuck around for another generation. I also prepared miso soup just in case he wasn’t too hungry. _I feel like a housewife._ I chuckled to myself as I placed all the dishes on a tray. Lastly, I reached into a cabinet for the bottle of Tylenol, and headed back to my room.  
  
“34?” _Is he sleeping?_  
  
“Hm?”  
  
_I guess not._ “I brought you some food. You need to eat something before taking medicine.”  
  
He propped himself up on his elbow again and sat up on the edge of the bed. The towel fell off his forehead, so he picked it up and placed it back in the bowl. He seemed a little better already.  
  
“There’s some rice porridge if you can manage to eat. If not, there’s miso soup. But please try to eat something; it’s not good to take medicine on an empty stomach.” I sat down next to him on the bed and placed the tray on my lap.  
  
He reached for the bowl of porridge and held it in his hand. Then, he looked my way. “Thanks.” Though faint, the smile on his face reassured me that he was going to be fine.  
  
“T-This is kind of funny, isn’t it?” I joked. “Who’s taking care of whom now?”  
  
His smile grew a little bit wider and his eyes arched sweetly.  
  
“Usually, this is the part where you tease me by saying things like, ‘Aren’t you going to feed me?’” I chuckled and waited for his reaction.  
  
“Aren’t you?” His eyes glistened ever so slightly.  
  
“What?!” His unexpected response shocked me silent.  
  
Still smiling, he reached for the spoon in the bowl and took a bite. “Just kidding. Mm…” He pointed to the bowl with the spoon. “This is good.”  
  
I couldn’t believe it. He managed to tease me even in this state. “…I’m glad,” I said, slightly annoyed.  
  
Next to me, I could see him carrying successive bites to his mouth. Soon, the bowl was empty.  
  
“Are you still hungry? There’s more,” I offered.  
  
He shook his head, but reached for the miso soup and chopsticks. He continued to finish his meal, cleaning the last drop from the bowl.  
  
“…Are you sure you don’t want more? Here, let me refill—”  
  
He grabbed my wrist and shook his head. “This was perfect.”  
  
“O-Oh, okay…” The hand that held my wrist was gentle but focused. As he loosened his grip, he looked into my eyes in a way he never had before. His gaze seemed to be hiding something, like they wanted to tell me a secret but he wasn’t letting them. I was no psychic, and certainly not a good guesser. The moment was fleeting. He reached for the medicine on the tray and took a dose with the water.  
  
“Hey…” I let the word slip out.  
  
“Hm?” He cleared his throat.  
  
“…I was wondering,” I continued. “Who takes care of you? I mean, as a nightclub host, you tend to your clients’ needs, right? You told me that there’s nothing wrong with someone taking care of me.” I fidget with the chopsticks now back on the tray. “What about you? It’s almost like you avoid it.”  
  
He blinked a few times. “That never crossed my mind.”  
  
“Really? Because, I mean… you wouldn’t give me that advice if you didn’t believe it yourself.” _Could it be that I had finally ‘won’ an ‘argument’ with him?_ I waited for his reply.  
  
His fingers started playing with his lower lip. “Well, aren’t you Miss Smarty Pants.”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“But, don’t you think you’ve answered your own question?” He pointed at the tray full of empty dishes. He let out a long exhale and waited patiently as I decoded his cryptic message.  
  
“Wait…” Still confused, I pleaded for more time to think.  
  
“You’re the first woman to see me like this.” He lied back down on the bed and covered himself with the sheets.  
  
Watching him close his eyes, I realized that in those few words, he had entrusted me with a different side of him, a vulnerable side he doesn’t show anyone else. It was so endearing that I sat there for a few more minutes just letting the words echo in my head.  
  
“Aren’t you going to sleep, too?” I flinched. _I thought you were already asleep._  
  
“Y-Yeah,” I stuttered. “I’ll just take a blanket and sleep on the couch out there.”  
  
“If you’re more comfortable with us sleeping separately, I’ll take the couch.” He opened his eyes and got ready to get up.  
  
“No, no,” I stopped him, waving my hands in disapproval. “You’re sick. You need the bed more than I do.”  
  
“Fine, but I’m not going to let a woman sleep on the couch,” he asserted.  
  
_…With what option does that leave me?_  
  
“Also,” he continued, “You should probably change into real clothes before getting into bed. You’ll catch a cold, too.”  
  
I took a quick look at what I was wearing. “Ahh! Oh, my god!” I cover myself with my arms. I must have been very preoccupied looking after him. The damp bath towel hung a bit loosely around my body now.  
  
“You’re lucky I’ve got a fever.”  
  
“Excuse me?”  
  
“I may be a gentleman, but I’m still a man.” His voice was deep and coarse. “And men can take advantage of situations like this.” He suddenly grabbed my upper arm and pulled me down onto the bed beside him.  
  
“Kyaa!!” My world turned sideways in a flash. I held onto my towel tightly to preserve any remaining decency.  
  
I could hear him smirk behind me. “See what I mean?”  
  
Flustered and feeling just as feverish as he, I hurried back up to my feet. “D-Don’t toy with me,” I warned. “Taking advantage of your caretaker is cruel.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “But don’t tell me you didn’t half expect this.”  
  
“You may be a good guesser, but you’re wrong this time,” I huffed.  
  
“Says the girl who decided to wear revealing underwear today.” He chuckled through his nose.  
  
I could feel my cheeks turning redder and redder. Mortified was an understatement. “Were you looking? Pervert!”  
  
“Do you remember what I told you last time I was here?” he inquired.  
  
“…Huh?”  
  
“The next time we spend a night together, remember every detail,” he reminded.  
  
“Oh… and? What about it?” I eyed him suspiciously.  
  
“Do I seem like a peeping Tom to you?”  
  
“I… wouldn’t put it past you.” I knew what he was trying to do. I stood my ground.  
  
“Don’t lie.” But he could see right through me. The same man who didn’t bother to take advantage of the previous situation…wouldn’t have tried the second chance he got, either. Plus, he’s sick, I reminded myself. He doesn’t have the energy for that. I knew I had lost the argument; I was defending him for crying out loud.  
  
“I saw them in the bathroom hamper earlier,” he clarified. “I really needed medicine, but I didn’t know where you kept it. I tried waiting for you to come out, but I was getting lightheaded.”  
  
“Sorry…” I had accused an innocent man again.  
  
“Now is a good time to remind you once more. The next time we spend a night together, remember every detail.” He turned around on the bed to face away from me. “I don’t need a new accusation in the morning about something I didn’t do.”  
  
I cleared my throat. “R-Right…” And bit my tongue. “Sorry.”  
  
The medicine seemed to have kicked in. He didn’t reply. His broad back rose and fell with each breath, highlighting his shoulder blades and the beautiful contour of his waist. Although I knew he couldn’t see me staring, I felt rude not being able to keep my eyes away. _What are you doing to me…?_ I leave my room quietly to change. When I returned, he hadn’t moved an inch. This meant that he was facing my side of the bed.  
  
I carefully lifted the covers and snuck in. _Looks like he’s a deep sleeper._ I allow myself one last peek before falling asleep. In the moonlight, his facial features blurred a little bit. _I can stare all I want._ It was a small victory. There were so many things I didn’t know about him yet. I started with his hair, the golden strands glowing like a halo. Then, the forehead hiding behind his bands, the artistic arches of his brows, the slender slope of his nose, the surprising length of his eyelashes, the fullness of his cheekbones, the prominent grooves of his philtrum, his sultry lips… I lingered here a while, noticing that they were slightly dry, giving them a rosier hue than usual. They looked so soft and supple with a kind of buoyancy about them, elastic but full. I was overcome by a desire to caress them, my hand answering to a mind of its own. Softly and carefully, I placed the tip of my middle finger on his lower lip. As expected, they were dense and soft. Did I really kiss these…? I moved my middle finger across his lips. Was he real? I had never laid eyes on a man more divine. When I retracted my fingers, his lips curled upward into a faint smile. I smiled back, feeling unworthy but exceptionally lucky.  
  
\--  
  
The thing about maternal instincts is, even if you think you don’t have any, they’ll emerge on their own given the right circumstances. This morning was one of such circumstances. I had absolutely no problem waking up. _5:30AM. Geez, having a man in my bed is a much better alarm clock._ I turned to my right side to find him still sound asleep, and wondered if his fever had gone down. But, he looked so peaceful sleeping that I couldn’t bring myself to touch his forehead to check. Instead, I snuck out of bed, tiptoed out of the room, and made my way to the kitchen.  
  
I turned on the gas stove to reheat the porridge, but instead of the leftover miso soup, I decided to make him some chicken soup. If I had more time, I’d make it from scratch, I thought. But luckily, I had some chicken stock and breast strips in the fridge. While I waited for the water to boil, I cut up some vegetables to throw in the soup.  
  
Some time had passed before I heard footsteps in the other room. Everything was prepared and ready to serve. _I hope he likes it._ Though 33, I felt like a giddy teenager giving a boy chocolate on Valentine’s Day.  
  
“Hi,” he mumbled as he combed through his bedhead with his fingers.  
  
I bit my lips to try to stop myself from breaking into a smile. “Morning. Are you feeling any better?”  
  
He nodded as he rubbed his neck. “Not feverish anymore.”  
  
“I’m glad!” I replied cheerfully.  
  
“You’re awake this morning.” He stepped toward the kitchen and peeked over my shoulder. “Wow.”  
  
_So far, so good._  
“Go and relax. I’ll bring out breakfast.”  
  
He stood there for a few seconds looking at me before heading to the dining table. There was a gentle smile on his face. It seemed like time moved slowly around us.  
  
“Here we are. This is leftover porridge, but this is a special chicken soup by yours truly,” I giggled.  
  
“I didn’t get to tell you this last night, but you’re a great cook.” He waited for me to sit down before picking up his chopsticks.  
  
I couldn’t contain the joy and broke out into a big smile. “Thanks…” I blushed.  
  
“This is way fancier than the breakfast I got for you last time,” he joked. “Do you cook often?”  
  
“Maybe you should stick around and find out. I’ve got a huge repertoire.” I was feeling more confident this morning.  
  
“Hm…” He placed his fingers to his lips. “Maybe.”  
  
“Let’s eat!” I waited for him to take the first spoonful of soup.  
  
“Did you just make this?”  
  
“Yeah, I didn’t have time to make it from scratch so it’s not my best batch…” I bit my lips in anticipation.  
  
“That cognac guy is an idiot.” He took another sip and kept his eyes on the food.  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“For cheating on you.”  
  
I held my breath. My heart was bursting in my chest, those cathartic words soothing old wounds. And then, it hit me: _How did he know that?_  
  
“U-Uh…” I laughed nervously.  
  
“How did I know that?” He put down his spoon and lifted his head.  
  
“…Um… yeah.” _Really eloquent, Kokoro._  
  
He licked his lips and looked my way. “I told you I’m a good guesser.”  
  
My lips part slightly to make way for the exhale. I don’t know how he does it, but this time, I was thankful he guessed correctly. It wasn’t a part of my past I felt super comfortable talking about, and in a way, I believed he knew that.  
  
After breakfast, he put on his dry clothes and packed up his things to get ready to leave.  
  
“Are you sure you don’t want me to wash those?” I pointed at his wrinkly clothes.  
  
“Do you think I should walk around town in these?” He held up Ryota’s clothes and expressed his disapproval.  
  
I giggled back in agreement. The air around us was sweet and honeyed. I wished this morning would never end.  
  
“I need to run some errands today, so I should get going.” He placed the loungewear on the sofa.  
  
“Oh, okay…” I bit the inside of my lips. I had no right to keep him here, but oh, how I wished he could stay.  
  
He didn’t miss the disappointment in my voice. “Is Miss 33 growing fond of 34?” He tilted his head and flaunted his charm.  
  
“E-Excuse you,” I stuttered. “Someone thinks very highly of himself.” Getting defensive was my defense mechanism. I knew it wasn’t original, or effective, for that matter.  
  
I walked him to the front door and watched him put on his shoes. _They must still be wet. You should stay until they’re dry._ My mind was thinking up any excuses for him to stay.  
  
“I have a favor to ask you.” He turned to look at me.  
  
“…What is it?”  
  
“I need you to never come to Akatsuki again.”  
  
“W…Wait, why?” Akatsuki had become a special place in my heart. _How could I forget the very first release? Our very first meeting?_ I needed a good reason to comply. That place was worth fighting for.  
  
“Because I no longer want you as my client.” His reply was resolute.  
  
“Hold on,” I interrupted. “Why are you being so cold all of a sudden? I happen to love that club. Is it because I don’t pay you? Am I a cheap client? Are the other women more entertaining?” It was a slew of questions, and some of them stemmed from my insecurities. _I knew I wasn’t good enough for him. I’m just his dispensable plaything._  
  
There was a slight curl at the edge of his mouth, but his eyes were gentle, as if he were gazing at something precious. But in my desperation, I wasn’t able to decipher his expression.  
  
“What?” I accused. “Is this funny to you? Is this some sick game you—”  
  
His hand reached for my cheek, and his fingers found their way to the nape of my neck. My spine tingled all the way down.  
  
“I don’t date any of my clients.” His thumb caressed the corner of my mouth. “Remember?”  
  
My eyes widened with full realization of his proposition. His four fingers softly massaged the back of my ear and I was beginning to feel dizzy. _Is…he really saying what I think he’s saying?_  
  
“Are you going to do as I say?” His expression mocked my hesitant one.  
  
“So… you’re saying…”  
  
“Are you going to do as I say?” he repeated, this time putting more pressure on his thumb.  
  
I nodded weakly in defeat.  
  
He smirked and the next thing I knew, his lips were pressed against mine, enveloping my lower lip. The hand at my neck drew me nearer to him as I melted into the kiss. My eyes closed slowly, letting go of the fears that had gripped me just moments ago. He pulled his head back to break the kiss, lips lingering just millimeters away from mine.  
  
“Good,” he whispered. His breath was warm and fuzzy on my lips. I slowly opened my eyes and noticed that his were already open, gaze cast down toward that which he had just kissed. He released the hand from my neck and gradually stood back up straight.  
  
My eyes followed his movements. His lips were puckered outward as if he were whistling, and there was a slight bounce in his movements, like he was humming a tune in his head. All I could do was stand there watching, reveling silently.  
  
“I guess that was our second kiss,” he grinned as he pulled gently on his upper lip with his fingers.  
  
“Heh…” I nodded, embarrassed.  
  
“You’ll remember this one though, right?” His eyes glimmered mysteriously.  
  
I laughed nervously. _How could anyone forget a kiss like that?_  
  
“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’.” He opened the door to leave. “I’ll call you later,” he waved.  
  
“O-Okay…!” I curled my lips over my teeth to hide my excitement.  
  
“Be good,” he smiled. The door closed softly behind him, just like last time. But I knew this time was different. He would return. He would return, to me.  
  
I broke into a big smile and squealed as I jumped up and down and twirled in place. I had forgotten what it felt like to be in love, to be completely enraptured by the feeling of happiness. I wanted to share these feelings with someone. _Reiko and Juri!_ Rushing to my phone, I press the home key to turn the screen on. _Hm?_ There was a text from a number I didn’t recognize. I tap on the message icon.  
  
_Kokoro. It's Ryota.  
Can I see you? I want to talk to you about something important._  
  
I put the phone down. _You always had terrible timing._ I glanced over at the loungewear on the sofa and let out a sigh. Now, I really wished 34 had stayed. It was time for an emergency meeting with the girls.


	9. Titles and Things

“Ahhhhh!!!!! You kissed?!” screamed Reiko in excitement.  
  
“I’m going to punch that douchebag in the face,” Juri shook her head.  
  
Funny how, in telling the same story to two people, you receive two, completely different responses. As planned, I called for an emergency girls’ meeting that night, and they came over to my place, bags of drinks and snacks to last us until morning. We hadn’t even made a dent in our drink supply when I began talking. I told them everything, every little detail after the group date had turned into a night out with him, what I had found out about 34, that we slept in the same bed, and that we were kind-of-sort-of seeing each other, at least I assumed as much. At the end of my spiel, I bit my lips uncomfortably and revealed that Ryota had texted me. Needless to say, Reiko exploded with excitement at the bulk of the story, and ever-wary Juri clenched her fists at the last thing I had said.  
  
“He got sick and you took care of him in your room?!” Reiko’s eyes glimmered.  
  
“Didn’t you erase his number from your phone?” Juri said, annoyed.  
  
“That’s textbook romance drama!” Reiko continued.  
  
“Don’t you dare reply back to him, Kokoro,” Juri’s eyes widened, full of warning.  
  
“They say the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach! Now that he knows you’re a great cook, there’s no way he’ll—”  
  
“W-Wait…” I put my hands out to stop them. “Can we pick which to talk about first?”  
  
“Uh, Sho, of course. This emergency meeting is to toast your new relationship!” Reiko got her beer can ready and munched on some snacks.  
  
“Clearly, it’s to discuss how to permanently get rid of that asshole.” Juri crossed her arms.  
  
“Okay!” I stopped them again. “Let’s get the bad news out of the way first. Then, we can talk longer about the good news.” I looked at Reiko, then at Juri. Both agreed, nodding their heads.  
  
“So, why did he text you?” Reiko was ready to expedite this conversation topic. She wanted to get to the meaty, fluffy, rainbow-y stuff quick.  
  
“He wants to talk to me about ‘something important’,” I replied.  
  
“Nuh-uh,” Juri shook her head immediately. “‘Something important’ reeks of douchebag.”  
  
“Why didn’t you erase his number?” Reiko echoed Juri’s earlier question.  
  
“I did!” I pulled up the message to prove it. “It’s from some number I didn’t recognize. Maybe he kept mine.”  
  
“Even though he left you for another girl?” Juri raised her eyebrows. “Think about it, Kokoro. Why would he keep your contact information in that situation?”  
  
I pursed my lips nervously.  
  
“Because he intended on contacting you again,” she answered her own question.  
  
“I’m with Juri on this one,” Reiko agreed. “I don’t think you should write back. What’s the point? Will you gain anything from talking to Ryota again?”  
  
I thought about her question for a few moments. _I just had one of the best mornings of my life with another man. Why is Ryota here to ruin my life again?_ My friends were absolutely right.  
  
“You two have a point,” I said. “Okay, I’ll delete the message and pretend I never received it.” I erased his message and immediately, I felt better.  
  
“Okay.” Reiko picked up her beer can again. “_Now_ can we celebrate your freedom from the curse of singledom?”  
  
I smiled and nodded. “Thanks for waiting, Reiko.” Three beer cans clinked in celebration.  
  
“I never thought I’d say this about a nightclub host, but I really like him,” Juri took a sip of her drink. “I approve.”  
  
I covered my blushing face with my hands.  
  
“You know what they say about men and women in relationships…” Reiko waited for one of us to finish her sentence.  
  
“They’re less horny?” Juri joked. “Oh, wait, that doesn’t make sense since you’re one of the most sex-hungry people I know.”  
  
“Touche…” Reiko puffed her cheeks, taking the jab in stride. “No, you can always tell a good man by how happy the woman is.” She smiled smugly, as if she knew she had said something insightful.  
  
_“And how happy she is, is directly proportional to how well he treats her.”_  
Suddenly, I remembered what my client, Miss Kondo, had told me the other day.  
  
“I don’t like that statement,” Juri rebutted. “It assumes a woman can’t be happy without a man.”  
  
“No, it doesn’t,” Reiko corrected. “A woman can be perfectly happy on her own. But, if she so chooses to be in a relationship, a wonderful partner can give her extraordinary powers. A woman in love with the right man feels like she’s on top of the world!”  
  
“Really?” Juri skeptically asked. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way being with anyone.”  
  
“Because they aren’t the right one!” Reiko raised her hands to show how obviously flawed Juri’s rebuttal was.  
  
“Oh, wait…” I remembered that I had left out a crucial part of the story.  
  
“What?” Reiko asked.  
  
“Juri. About Shun…” I hesitated but knew I had to tell her.  
  
“Oh, him. Yeah, it’s not going to work out.” Juri took a swig of her beer.  
  
“Wait, what?” Reiko butted in. “Why?”  
  
“Because he’s a scumbag.” Juri replied definitively.  
  
“How…?” It took me by surprise that she already saw him in such a negative light. But her confidence? That didn’t surprise me at all. There was never a gray area with her love life, and I respected her for it.  
  
“I called him last night to find out why he left early,” Juri explained. “He told me that Sho punched him.” She looked over at me.  
  
“He what…?” These past few days had been full of surprises for me.  
  
“Yeah. Shun said he hit a nerve, got under his skin. Something about feeling victorious whenever he’d succeed in winning a girl who once liked Sho.”  
  
I immediately recalled Maki and her experiences with Shun. It seemed this idiot hadn’t changed or grown up at all, and a part of me was now convinced that 34 had seen through Shun’s tricks, which explained his signs of disapproval.  
  
“Remember when Sho came back to the bowling alley alone?” Juri asked. “Don’t you remember him keeping his hands in his pockets? I think it’s because he was trying to keep that from us.”  
  
“You’re right! Come to think of it, he did have his hands in his pockets!” Reiko nodded affirmatively. “Did you see if he had hurt his hand, Kokoro?”  
  
I hadn’t. In fact, I hadn’t even noticed that he had returned with his hands in his pockets. If the punch had hurt him, then he sure did a great job of hiding the pain, because I didn’t notice anything throughout the rest of the night. Or could it be my lack of awareness of my surroundings? Could I be paying a price for my failure to be observant? If so, I deserved to.  
  
“…No,” I shook my head. “I didn’t notice a thing.”  
  
“But Sho punched him just because of that?” Reiko’s face was full of unbelief. “That’s a little much, don’t you think?”  
  
“That’s not why he punched him, though.” Juri put her beer can down and looked down at the hem of her shirt.  
  
“Then, why?” Reiko prodded.  
  
“Shun said you were ‘plain and boring’, Kokoro, that he was disappointed because he thought Sho could do so much better. Still, he bet Sho that he could steal you like he did with his other admirers, just for fun.”  
  
“…What?” My eyes stared intently at Juri, who lifted her head to look at me.  
  
“I’m not hurt,” Juri stared back at me reassuringly. “I’d-a punched him, too, if I’d heard him speaking about you like that.”  
  
“Juri…” I bit my lips to keep my emotions from overflowing.  
  
“What a piece of worthless shit,” Reiko crossed her arms. “That jerk hurt both of my best friends!”  
  
“Kokoro.” Juri gave me a smile. “I like Sho. He really cares about you.”  
  
“Yeah, no one’s punched another guy in the face to defend my dignity!” Reiko pouted.  
  
He was full of surprises, shrouded in mystery but full of kindness. Though his words were cryptic at times, his actions were always sincere. The more I found out about him, the more I could feel myself falling deeply in love. It was scary and thrilling, but also the most comforting thing I had ever experienced. _He punched someone. For me._ I tried not to let my feelings get the best of me. Butterflies in the stomach and rose-tinted glasses are nice and all, but I was more of the butterflies-were-once-caterpillars and eyeglasses-shouldn’t-affect-the-colors-of-the-world kind of girl. I picked up my drink and took a sip to calm my emotions. The night was young, and my friends weren’t in a hurry to rush home on such a celebratory night.  
  
\--  
  
What happened the next day might as well have been a scene from some muddy, overdramatic soap opera. I never thought I’d face a day where I had to handle personal business at work.  
  
“Manager Nishijima?” A subordinate called to get my attention. “A man is here to see you.”  
  
“Does he have an appointment? I’m booked for the rest of the week.” I say over my shoulder as I continued cutting a customer’s hair.  
  
“No… but it seems important.”  
  
“All right, I’ll be right there.” I bowed and excused myself from my customer. When I got to the front door, I immediately regretted it.  
  
“Hey, Kokoro.”  
  
“What the hell are you doing here, Ryota?” It was a legitimate question. He has no business being here, especially with me.  
  
“Did you get my text?” he asked eagerly.  
  
“Yeah.” _And I ignored it, obviously. Get the hint._  
  
“Could we talk sometime? I promise it’ll just be this one time.” Ryota took a step toward me. I took one back.  
  
“For what, Ryota? What is there to talk about now?” I checked my watch. “I’m working, you’re bothering me.” It was what could manage to say; I knew I had to set boundaries.  
  
“Okay, sorry. But, please. It’s important to me.”  
  
_What if it’s not important to me?_ But I already knew the answer to that question. He never cared about what was important or valuable to me. “I’ll give you an hour. That’s it.”  
  
He sighed in relief. “Thanks, Kokoro. I knew you’d come around. How about tomorrow at 10:00PM? Is that too late?”  
  
_Yes, it is_, I wanted to say. But as it turned out, I was closing the salon tomorrow and that sounded just about right. “An hour.” In that hour, I would gain complete closure, I thought to myself.  
  
Ryota nodded. “Let’s meet at our usual corner bar.” He exhaled audibly, then turned to leave.  
  
This was so like him. Everything was done at his convenience without any consideration for the other party. I watched him leave, a heavy burden resting on my shoulders now. As I walked back into the salon, I pondered ways to explain this situation to 34. We had never explicitly defined our relationship, but I felt like it would be rude if I didn’t tell him, like I was sneaking behind his back. I sighed. _Being in love sucks._  
  
\--  
  
“Oh, look who’s calling?” I hear 34’s teasing voice in my ears. “Couldn’t wait for me to call you, I see.”  
  
“N-No, that’s not true…!” One of his powers, I thought, was making me believe I was guilty of something of which I had no recollection. He could make me doubt myself. It was an emotionally long day and I wanted to hear his voice after returning home, sure. But now, I was starting to wonder if I indeed was unable to wait for his call.  
  
“Have you been behaving?” he asked lightheartedly.  
  
“Um, well… yes, I think.” I pursed my lips.  
  
“You ‘think’? That’s not good enough for me.” His voice was friendly and playful.  
  
“Right…” I sighed. “It’s Ryota.”  
  
“Ryota?”  
  
I only then realized that 34 didn’t know his name yet. “Uh, the cognac guy.”  
  
“Oh, okay,” 34 replied. “What about him?”  
  
I explained that he had texted me, how I had planned to ignore it, but then he showed up at my workplace and I was cornered into meeting him tomorrow.  
  
“So?” He seemed completely unfazed.  
  
“Uh…so…” I didn’t think he’d react so calmly. I suppose I didn’t expect anything at all, really.  
  
“Meet with him.”  
  
“Wh…Wait, really?” I was confused.  
  
“Yeah.” His responses were brief but cordial, and they confused me even more.  
  
“You’re not mad?” It was an odd question, I know. But I needed confirmation.  
  
“Why would I be mad?” he chuckled. “You’re not obligated to tell me this.”  
  
“…I’m not?”  
  
“No. We’re not even dating.”  
  
_…We’re not?_ That response threw me off completely. _We’re not even dating._ The sentence ricocheted around in my head, and there was ringing in my ears.  
  
“If you think this will bring closure, you should go,” he continued, still unfazed.  
  
“O-Oh. Okay, then.” My voice became timid and embarrassed.  
  
“If you need someone to talk to, you can always call me.” With that, our conversation was over.  
  
_What the hell was that?_ I didn’t want to regret telling him, but I was confused and hurt. Here I was, thinking we had something special. _You're an idiot, Kokoro._ I stared at my phone and tossed it on the bed. I couldn’t understand how he was the same man who had punched a guy because he refused to hear bad things about me. Or the same man who had soothed me and made me whole with his drink. Or the same man who had saved me from the same ex-boyfriend once before. _Being in love really sucks._ I let out a sigh. It felt somewhat like heartbreak…though, since he wasn’t under the impression that we were dating, I didn’t feel justified thinking that way. With nowhere to go or hide, my feelings just floated in the air, dangling limply.  
  
\--  
  
“Thanks for meeting me.” Ryota got up from his seat at the counter to greet me.  
  
“Gratitude accepted,” I said indifferently. He sure knew how to cause chaos in my life. I pulled out my own chair and took a seat. _34 would have pulled the seat out for me._  
  
“Hope you don’t mind, I ordered you a gin and tonic.” He slid the drink over to me. “I remember you liked those.”  
  
_Actually, I DO mind. I don’t drink that unsophisticated shit anymore. I’m in love with his Sidecar._ Thoughts of 34 weaved in and out of my mind. I couldn’t “cheat” on him with some cheap imitation of a drink like this gin and tonic. No, I was a slave to his magic elixir and I didn’t mind. At all.  
  
I took the drink but refused to have it touch my lips. “Get to the point, because you only have an hour.”  
  
“Of course,” Ryota began. “Long story short, it’s not working out.”  
  
“What’s not working out?”  
  
“Things with Nana.”  
  
I paused for a moment. “…Oh, you mean the girl you had an affair with when you were engaged to me?” _Let’s be very clear about that._  
  
“Yeah.” He paused. “I proposed to her, but then I started feeling suffocated. She’s too needy and clingy, you know? I realized I could be myself when I’m with you.”  
  
_You have got to be kidding me._  
  
“And you’re telling me this why?” The blood was starting to boil in my veins.  
  
“Because I want to work this out with you again.” Ryota turned to face me. “I’m no good without you.”  
  
I couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. “Then, why did you propose to her?”  
  
“It felt right at the time,” Ryota explained.  
  
_Excuse you._  
  
“Oh, so when you proposed to me, it was because it ‘felt right at the time’, I see.”  
  
“Kokoro, you’re twisting my words.”  
  
“Am I?” I challenged. “You’re just running back to something comfortable. You’re running from commitment. I’m not your convenient solution or refuge.” Years’ worth of pain came spilling out.  
  
“T-That’s not true,” Ryota stammered. She doesn’t get me like you do.”  
  
I forcefully swallowed the lump in my throat. In my confusion, I took out my phone.  
  
_What are you doing right now?_ I hit ‘send’.  
  
“Who are you writing to?” Ryota inquired.  
  
“Is it any of your business?” My hands trembled slightly. “Not anymore, is it?”  
  
“Kokoro, please. I left my pride at the door when I walked in to this bar tonight. Can’t you even consider it?”  
  
Old wounds were starting to throb again. “You chose this,” I reminded him. “You chose to cheat on me, and you chose to leave.” It pained me to hear that truth again. This was nothing but emotional torture.  
  
“I know, and I made a terrible mistake,” Ryota pleaded. “Please.”  
  
“As we speak, you’re making the same choice, to cheat on your fiancée, to leave her like you left me.”  
  
“No, I’m choosing you over her,” he begged, as if hearing that was supposed to make it all better.  
  
_You’ve got a lot of nerve._ “No,” I rejected. “I can’t do this.”  
  
“Why not?” he prodded.  
  
I took a good look at him. By some divine intervention, I noticed shades and shadows of Shun in his words and demeanor. The resemblance terrified me. Had I been blind to his faults all along? My heart may have been fully invested in him in the past, but it wasn’t stupid enough to make the same mistakes again. _Compatibility is everything._ This gin and tonic no longer had a hold of me. 34 taught me that.  
  
“Because you haven’t changed, Ryota. Not a single bit.”  
  
“But I have! Give me another chance, please.” I felt uncomfortable seeing him pleading like this.  
  
“If you have to defend yourself and say that you’ve changed, you probably haven’t.” I looked at him with distant eyes. “If that’s all you have to tell me, I think I’ll be leaving.”  
  
“Kokoro.” He grabbed my wrist. His grip hurt. “I can’t let you do that.”  
  
“Ow… stop it…!” I flung my arm away and managed to break free. “Bye, Ryota.” I had a bad feeling about this. Fear nudged me to make a call. I grabbed my phone and clicked the first person on my call log history: 34.  
  
As I walked swiftly toward the door, I heard 34’s voice: “Hey.” Just then, I felt a firm grip on my arm. Ryota pulled me down to the hallway where the bathrooms were. There, he turned me around to face him and slammed me against the wall, his hands holding my wrists above my head.  
  
“W-What are you doing?!” I tried to break free, but his grip was much more stubborn this time. I felt my hands growing cold from lack of circulation.  
  
“If you aren’t going to be docile and comply, I guess I’ll have to use force.” Ryota’s eyes were full of vengeance and determination.  
  
“S…top it…!” I turned my face away to avoid his kiss.  
  
“Do you have a boyfriend?” he mocked. “Let’s be honest, we’re meant to be together.” He bunched my wrists into one hand and with the other, started groping my butt, pulling my hips toward him. I tried to break free again, but to no avail.  
  
“Please, Ryota,” I whimpered. “Stop…” I closed my eyes in fear. I didn’t know what had gotten into him. It unnerved me to think he had this in him somewhere all along.  
  
“What do you think you’re doing?”  
  
I opened my eyes in disbelief. _What…?_  
  
Caught red-handed, Ryota immediately pulled away, trying to avoid all blame. But when he saw who had called to him, he scoffed and walked over. “It’s you again.”  
  
My nose picked up on it first, that dangerously erotic scent, citrus overtones dancing over robust, spicy amber. Then, my eyes. Those broad shoulders and beautiful frame, golden hair curling at the nape of his neck.  
  
“34…?”  
  
He stood in front of me, shielding me from Ryota. “Unfortunately for you, it’s me again.”  
  
“Who the hell are you? Are you trying to get with my girl?” Ryota challenged.  
  
But 34 kept his composure. “I’m her fiancé.”  
  
“What the...” Ryota’s eyes swung back and forth between him and me.  
  
“So it looks like she’s _not_ your girl.” 34 hadn’t moved an inch, but from the tone of his voice, I could tell his eyes were cold.  
  
Ryota’s attention shifted from 34 to me. “Kokoro, is this true?”  
  
Hidden behind his back, I felt safe and secure. Though my heart was racing and I was holding back tears, I focused my energy to deliver one, assertive nod.  
  
“But babe, we had such a good thing going,” Ryota continued begging. “This guy can’t treat you right.”  
  
“And you still chose to leave her?” 34 let out a soft chuckle, then took a few steps toward Ryota and stood to his side. “If you couldn’t realize her worth when you had her, you don’t deserve to find out now.” 34 lowered his voice as his eyes moved to the side to take in Ryota’s reaction.  
  
“You love her?” Ryota looked livid.  
  
“I do,” 34 replied immediately.  
  
Ryota scoffed. “Prove it.” As those words left his lips, a fist came flying in my direction. I closed my eyes and the next thing I knew, I heard sound of impact but didn’t feel a thing. I open my eyes and I see the same broad shoulders in front of me. 34’s head was tilted to one side, his breathing heavy.  
  
“Oh, my god…!” I grabbed his arm and realized his hands were in fists, his muscles tense.  
  
“Sir, I have to ask you to leave.” A security guard made his way to Ryota and pointed him toward the exit.  
  
“You try laying another finger on her, and next time, I won’t be as nice.” 34 warned one last time.  
  
After I saw Ryota leave the premises, I let out a big sigh. Suddenly, I felt faint. My legs gave way but 34 immediately caught me in his arms. I let my body fall into his, and as my head hit his shoulder, a fountain of tears streamed down my cheeks. There was a sense of relief, that I was completely safe now. I curled my fingers and clung to his jacket. I noticed his heart was racing, too, perhaps from the adrenaline, perhaps from something else. He didn’t say a word, but brought his arms fully around my back and held me close. He didn’t let go until I loosened my grip.  
  
“Don’t worry me like that.” He took his fingers and gently combed back the hair in my face.  
  
“S…orry…” I apologized.  
  
He swept his fingers along my jawline to catch the tears that were about to fall to the ground.  
  
“How did you know…?” I said between sobs.  
  
“That you were in trouble? You texted me, didn’t you?” He brought his hand back to his jaw. His eyebrows flinched as he opened his mouth.  
  
“…Oh, my god!” My hands immediately reached for the hand at his jaw. “Are you okay?” His left cheek had turned red from impact, and I could even make out the shape of Ryota’s fingers. I was afraid to touch his face. I didn’t want to hurt him more than I already had.  
  
“I’m not that fragile,” he smiled softly.  
  
“Why didn’t you hit him back?” Seeing the bruise taint his beautiful face pained my heart. He didn’t deserve the hit at all.  
  
“What good would that have done?” he questioned. “If he and I both got kicked out of here, who’d take care of you?” He deliberately looked away at the wall behind me.  
  
I choked on an inhale as the waterworks continued. The sincerity in his words was almost too much for me to accept.  
  
“I rushed over as soon as I saw your text. When you called me, I was only a few blocks away.” He continued to look at the wall, as if he were giving me privacy to cry it all out.  
  
“What…?” I recalled the phone conversation I had with him before. “But I never mentioned where we were meeting.”  
  
Without meeting my eyes, he bit his lower lip and smiled. “I think you’re still underestimating my guessing skills.”  
  
I brought a hand up to my lips and let out an audible exhale. _You never cease to surprise me._  
  
“Let’s get out of here.” He gave me space to walk toward the door, but my legs felt flimsy. I looked at him with puffy eyes. I understood that this is what it meant to _want_ someone to take care of you. It was different from neediness; it was the ability to allow someone else to be good to you. Noticing immediately, he bent his arm and stuck out his elbow for me to hold. I curled my arm around his and held on tightly.  
  
The wind hit my face as we stepped outside. I filled my lungs with fresh air, and it helped clear my head. I looked up at 34 and noticed something peculiar.  
  
“Wait…”  
  
“Hm?” He met my gaze.  
  
“Why are you in your host clothes?” The top two buttons of his white, crisply ironed dress shirt were undone and his jacket fit snugly along his shoulders, arms, and torso, completing the suave look. His long, lean legs followed a straight line down to his black, leather shoes. I suddenly felt underdressed.  
  
He let out a soft chuckle. “Where do you think I was when you texted me?”  
  
My eyes widened apologetically. “I’m so sorry!” Akatsuki was nowhere near this neighborhood. I wondered how he got here so quickly.  
  
“You’re lucky you’re no longer my client anymore,” he said as he pointed to a car parked along the curb, emergency lights flickering brightly. “I wouldn’t do this for any of them.”  
  
It was the same Nissan X-Trail I remembered seeing in the parking lot of Akatsuki. He walked over to the car and opened the passenger seat door as I let his words sink in. So much had happened emotionally since I had last seen him. Although 34 had explicitly denied us dating, I couldn’t help but find myself more in love with him. As the cool breeze brushed against my cheeks, I recalled what had happened inside the bar. There was a first for everything, I thought. I’d never feared for my physical wellbeing as much as I had just moments ago, and only in movies had I seen a man getting punched in the face. _And that hit was to protect me._ This man had saved my life; but that, I knew wasn’t the first time.  
  
“Come on,” he called to me.  
  
I hesitated. Not only did I endanger him tonight, I had interrupted his work. He had already done so much; I couldn’t trouble him any further.  
  
“Don’t you need to go back to work?” I politely declined the invitation, though I didn’t know where he would have taken me, anyway.  
  
“Where do you think we’re going?” he chuckled as he placed his hands out toward the seat to escort me in.  
  
“What…?” With a mind of their own, my feet shuffled toward his car. He closed the door behind me, the familiar interior welcoming me.  
  
“I gotta head back. I’ve clients waiting.” He climbed into his seat and buckled his seatbelt.  
  
“I’m really sorry…” I was. I felt horrible for troubling him.  
  
“You’re not hurt, right?” He put the car in drive and we merged with the flow of traffic.  
  
“No…” I said softly and apologetically.  
  
Keeping his eyes on the road, he nodded and looked relieved. “That’s what matters.”  
  
“34...” My heart ached. Sitting in the passenger’s seat, I had a clear line of vision of the bruise on his left cheek. “Why did you come tonight?”  
  
“I’m surprised myself.” He took one hand off the wheel and combed his hair back.  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“Things like this usually don’t bother me.” We waited at a red light.  
  
“What things?” I asked.  
  
“You worried me the other day. On the phone.”  
  
“…What?” I ransacked my brain to recall our conversation.  
  
“You were meeting with someone who clearly never appreciated you. I didn’t trust him, and rightfully so.” He tapped his fingers lightly on the wheel to keep himself busy. That’s when I remembered that he, too, had hit someone.  
  
“Um—” I wanted to ask about that, too, but he had more to say.  
  
“I was scared tonight. When I got your text, I worried that he was making you feel uncomfortable. When I received your call, I could hear everything. I was ready to beat him to a pulp.” The light turned green and we made a left at the intersection. His voice was gentle but clearly agitated.  
  
I realized that after I had made the call, I never got to hang up. “I’m sorry.” It seemed like the only proper response.  
  
“But once I got there, I realized that my priority was not teaching him a lesson, but protecting you.” We waited at another red light. “That’s why I’ve got this.” He looked my way for a moment, smiled, and pointed to the bruise.  
  
“…I’m so sorry,” I sighed regrettably. I knew no amount of apologizing would undo the bruise, but it was all I could say. Understanding now that he didn’t hit back in his effort to protect me, it might as well have been me who had punched him. I was responsible for this scar.  
  
“You’re my first.” He grazed his lips with his forefinger and chuckled. “I’ve never taken a punch to protect someone before, let alone a woman.”  
  
“I’m not proud of that.” I looked down feeling awful.  
  
“What were you going to say earlier?” he asked.  
  
“What?”  
  
“When I was explaining how uneasy I felt about you seeing your ex,” he reminded. “You were about to say something.”  
  
“Oh.” The thought suddenly reappeared in my head. “Um, is your hand okay?”  
  
“Hm? What about it?” He looked at his palms, then the back of his hands.  
  
“Well… that day when we all went bowling…” My thought trailed off, but he seemed to sense what I was hoping to ask.  
  
“That blabbermouth.” 34 gave a look of disapproval.  
  
“So, it’s true?”  
  
He smiled at himself and sighed. “I give up.”  
  
“Huh…?” I wasn’t following.  
  
“It seems I can’t control my emotions when it comes to you, Miss 33.” 34 stretched his arms against the wheel.  
  
“…Hm?” I still wasn’t following.  
  
He kept his eyes glued to his own hands and remained quiet for a while. When the light turned green, he made another left turn onto a familiar street. He maneuvered the car down to the parking lot and reversed into an empty spot.  
  
“Did you think this wouldn’t affect me?” He pulled up on the emergency brake, still not looking my way.  
  
“What do you mean?” I asked timidly.  
  
“That you were meeting up with your ex.”  
  
“But… you told me that I should go, that I wasn’t obligated to tell y—”  
  
“What if I didn’t show up tonight?” His voice turned stern.  
  
“But you told me we weren’t even dating,” I responded. “After you left my place that morning, I thought we…” A lump in my throat stopped me from finishing my sentence.  
  
“That we were dating?” he finished my thought for me. His voice was nonchalant and it felt like he wasn’t quite invested in the conversation. “We aren’t.”  
  
I bit the inside of my cheek to remain calm. “Then… Then, you don’t have any right to be upset… do you?”  
  
He laughed through his nose. “You’re unbelievable, you know that?” He scratched the back of his head, messing up the hair there. The agitated strands seemed to illustrate the emotions of his heart. Then, he finally turned to face me. “I have every right to be upset.”  
  
I stared back at him. Behind those dark brown eyes, I could sense something dangerous, something boiling. Unable to understand what that could mean, I tried looking for other clues in his expression. Alas, he was too good at keeping his emotions under lock and key.  
  
“Why’s that?” I managed to ask. “How come—”  
  
His masculine fingers grabbed my right arm, just above the elbow, and pulled me toward him. Before I could make out what was happening, I found myself in his arms. A gasp escaped my lips.  
  
“You frustrate me,” he whispered into my hair.  
  
Taken by surprise, I couldn’t find any words.  
  
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.” His arms tightened around my shoulders. “I’m losing my mind here.”  
  
_…What?_  
  
“34…?”  
  
“You’re on my mind all the time.” I could feel his breath on my neck. “It’s so frustrating.”  
  
I opened my mouth but nothing came out. So, in response to his confessions, I brought my arms around to his back and nuzzled my face in his shoulder.  
  
“This is all your fault,” 34 accused, but his voice had become sweet and drawn out, as if he were relieved. “What are you doing to me…”  
  
A hand made its way to the nape of my neck and cradled my head. He exhaled deeply into my neck and it made my skin buzz from the heat.  
  
“34…” I called to him softly.  
  
“Mm?” He hadn’t moved an inch, and I could feel his deep voice reverberating inside his chest cavity.  
  
“Your clients...”  
  
The parking lot housed several vehicles but aside from us, was completely desolate. I knew I had interrupted his busy work schedule and now, I was aware that he wasn’t particularly happy about it. Even though I didn’t want to be alone just yet, I knew the right thing for me to do was let him get back to entertaining other women.  
  
His nose nuzzled gently against my ear. “Can’t I stay like this for a little while longer?” A breathy, honeyed voice tickled my neck.  
  
How was I to rebuke that? I smiled softly to myself as my fingers clung tightly to his jacket. Dating or not, it had become clear that feelings were mutual. Titles and things weren’t all that important. At least not now, not in this moment. And yet, by the end of the night, I would come to place a name on our relationship…


	10. The Night of Firsts

"Where are we...?"  
  
"At my place," he replied casually.  
  
The car came to a stop inside a garage. 34 had finished his shift at Akatsuki and had driven me to an unfamiliar location. We didn't converse much during the drive, although he had looked my way a few times and smiled to reassure that he wasn't upset anymore. Yet again, I had no idea where the night was taking me. Until now.  
  
"What?!" I exclaimed a little too loudly. Even a sexually inexperienced girl like I could deduce what this meant.  
  
34 gave me a suspicious smile. "Expecting something?"  
  
I could feel the embarrassment showing in my cheeks. "N-No...!" I regretted immediately that my mind even thought to wander in that territory.  
  
He chuckled through his nose and removed the keys from the vehicle. As usual, he had an air of confidence, an attractive assertiveness in his mannerisms. After releasing his seatbelt buckle, he opened the car door and stepped out. Completely shocked, I sat there in the passenger's seat, unable to move. _What do I do?_ All this time, I had flirted with indecent thoughts about him, all those opportunities lost. And yet, at the mere thought that perhaps tonight was the night, my body froze, my mind shivering at the possibility.  
  
_Knock, knock._  
  
I heard his knuckles hit the passenger seat window. He looked at me as if to say, "I'm waiting." My fidgety hands managed to unbuckle the seatbelt. One, deep breath later, I opened the door.  
  
"As an apology for making you wait in the car," he said, "I want to invite you to my humble abode."  
  
"...U-Uh..." I stammered. This is no consolation, I answered in my head. Although he had visited my place several times, this was not the same. I felt weak from the nervousness and the palms of my hands felt extra clammy.  
  
He led the way to an elevator that was located at the corner of the garage. After using a card key to unlock it, he pressed the button for the top-most floor: 30. The elevator glided swiftly upward, and within seconds, we had reached his floor.  
  
"After you," 34 held the door with one hand and showed the way out with the other.  
  
I stepped out, jaw dropping with every step I took. The building where he lived was one of those high-end apartments, housing one occupant per floor. In my peripheral vision, I could see him crossing his arms amused, watching me struck with awe. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, I mean, he is the #1 host at Akatsuki, after all. Still, I couldn't hide my amazement.  
  
"You live HERE?" I turned around to face him.  
  
"Mm-hmm." His replies were as causal as ever. He inserted a dimple key into the door, took the handle, and opened it.  
  
He turned on the entrance light. Inside, I could see a minimalistic living room. It almost seemed like no one lived here, a well-furnished room without much wear and tear. Everything from the flooring to the lighting seemed strictly practical, without much personality of which to speak. For some reason, I felt a stinging in my nostrils. Somehow, it pained me to see his lonely apartment. I wondered if he spent much time here at all.  
  
"Make yourself at home," he said as he motioned his hand toward the living room. He took out a pair of generic slippers and placed them at my feet.  
  
_I'm at 34's place..._  
  
My feet hesitated at the realization and again, I froze. Without a worry, 34 walked in and made his way down the hallway. Noticing he didn't hear footsteps behind him, he turned around and let out a chuckle.  
  
"Are we going to spend the rest of the night standing at the door?" His smile was inviting. "Don't be shy."  
  
I slowly took off my shoes and made an awkward entrance. The slippers were slightly too big for me as they flopped beneath my feet. I took in my surroundings. There was a TV mounted along one of the walls, a large, ivory couch facing it, a glass-top coffee table, and underneath it, a checkered rug and some books. The walls were totally bare, save for one photograph. Thinking it would be a good idea to busy myself, I walked toward it.  
  
It was a simple photo of what looked like a study. There were books lining the walls, and a desk with piles of papers. A single daisy adorned the center and gave color and brightness to an otherwise trite backdrop.  
  
“Like it?” He peeked out of the kitchen to check in on me.  
  
I looked his way. “It’s lovely. Simple, but tasteful.”  
  
“My mom took that one,” he smiled.  
  
“Oh, wow…” I turned around to look at the photo once more. With my aesthetic knowledge limited to hairstyles, I wondered what her intent was when she took this shot. Artists always have intent, I believed. Nothing is worth creating or capturing if there was no intent behind it. I stared at the daisy standing tall in its vase and pictured a strong woman.  
  
"Is green tea okay with you?" 34 returned to the living room. “I’d make you a Sidecar but I don’t have any orange liqueur.”  
  
"Tea’s great."  
  
Finding the couch behind me, I walked over and sat at one end. Though I was far from feeling “at home,” I tried my best to look comfortable. Soon, he joined me in the living room with a teapot and two teacups.  
  
"I don't like it when my guests are nervous." He poured tea into one cup and slid it in front of me. “My profession won’t allow it.”  
  
_Well, looks like he saw right through that façade._ "...I can't help it," I confessed. "I didn't think I'd end up here tonight."  
  
"I didn't think I'd get punched in the face tonight, either," he joked.  
  
I sighed. "I'm really sorry about that. Honestly, I don't know why you put up with me after that."  
  
He took a sip of his tea and placed the cup back on the coffee table. "I already told you why."  
  
My mind thought back to the events in his car. Though I had seen a vulnerable side of him, I was still unsure what to make of it all. But seeing him now, after all that had happened and all that he's done for me, I couldn't differentiate between my romantic feelings for him and the gratitude in my heart. I knew that if I didn’t say anything, we could go on this way, just being together and enjoying each other’s company. But if I didn’t confront my feelings, if I didn’t take this chance to tell him how I truly felt, I would regret missing the opportunity. We could continue expressing lukewarm feelings for each other and pretend like the sparks don’t exist, or I could point to the elephant in the room and risk losing he who had become so dear to me.  
  
“Hey, 34…”  
  
“Hm?” His eyebrows perked up and his inquisitive eyes met my gaze. But, sensing anxiety on my face, he immediately quieted me. “If what you’re trying to do is ask me to be your boyfriend, I’m going to stop you right there.”  
  
I stared blankly into his eyes. As usual, his guessing game was on point. Yes, in fact, that _is_ what I wanted to ask, but now, I had another question on my mind.  
  
“Why do you deliberately avoid this topic?”  
  
“Look, I’m flattered. But you’d be better off being with someone who could make you happy.” He crossed his legs and looked away.  
  
_“He said he was flattered, but that I’d be better off dating someone who could make me happy.”_  
  
The conversation I had with Maki crossed my mind. I could make out the pain that sometimes surfaced in his downcast eyes. He was hiding something, and though I was never one to pry, I needed to hear an explanation from the source himself.  
  
“34, I—”  
  
“Maybe I should take you home for the night,” he interrupted curtly.  
  
I furrowed my eyebrows, a little hurt by his words. _This may be my last chance._ I couldn’t remain silenced. Determined, I opened my mouth to speak.  
  
“Why do you think you’re incapable of making someone happy?” The feelings came pouring out. “You frustrate me, too, you know. You know so much about me, and yet, I barely know anything about you. When I’m with you, it’s one surprise after another, and yet, when we’re apart, all I want is to see you again. Doesn’t that count for something?” I shut my eyes tightly in fear of his reaction. It was quiet for a while.  
  
“Open your eyes.” His voice was almost a whisper.  
  
I did as I was told. I expected a sigh of disapproval, maybe an “I think we shouldn’t see each other anymore.” Instead, he moved closer to me and was slow to speak. His eyes fluttered ever so slightly.  
  
“Could you promise me something?”  
  
“E-Excuse me?” I looked back bewildered.  
  
“Would you?” He asked once more.  
  
His question lacked his usual persuasiveness and gave me more freedom to make my own decision. Strangely enough, when given more autonomy, I didn’t know what to do with it. I almost wished he would demand that of me. His question came with no clarifying clause, leaving everything up to the imagination. I didn’t like breaking promises; somehow, his gaze told me that he already knew that about me.  
  
“…Yes,” I answered firmly, albeit almost inaudibly.  
  
“Once you decide, you can’t take it back,” he warned. “You’re still ashore, if you want to run.”  
  
I clenched my jaw for a moment and gulped. “What do you mean?”  
  
“Do you really want to be with me?” He grazed his lips with his thumb.  
  
My heartrate accelerated with every passing second as adrenaline rushed through my veins. “I do,” I replied affirmatively.  
  
“If it’s happiness you want, you should be looking elsewhere.” His eyes locked gazes with the target and didn’t let go.  
  
“How could you be so sure?” I could hear my breathing becoming unsteady.  
  
“Because I’ve ruined lives in the past.” His gaze was piercing and intense, his voice low and coarse.  
  
I tried intently to not look away. The corners of my eyes were beginning to burn. “Isn’t happiness subjective?” I challenged.  
  
“Are you willing to make the promise? To trust me even when I don’t trust myself?” He leaned in and stopped centimeters away from my face.  
  
“If that’s the promise you want me to make, you should know I’ve already made it.” _I trusted you the moment your drink touched my lips._  
  
He sighed and his breath hit my lips. My face burned from the blood rushing there, and my breathing had become noticeably audible. As I waited for his reply, I felt something warm hit my forehead. He leaned his against mine, eyes closed and eyebrows furrowed.  
  
“I really don’t want to hurt you,” he said softly. “I can’t live with that.”  
  
In that moment, something clicked. Had he been avoiding closeness for fear of hurting me? Did he deny us dating because he believed he couldn’t make me happy? Was he warning me in an effort to save me from him?  
  
“I need you to take responsibility,” I whispered. “For making me fall in love with you.”  
  
His hand gently caressed my cheek, tickling my skin. The palm of his hand cupped my jawline and remained there. “You won’t regret it?”  
  
I shook my head. “I trust you.”  
  
A soft kiss landed on my lips and lingered there for a brief moment. He released his hand from my cheek and sat up straight. Time seemed to stand still for a good minute as we just gazed into each other’s eyes.  
  
“…W…hat is it?” I broke the silence, voice slightly shaking.  
  
“I can finally say it.” His stiff expression melted into a gentle smile.  
  
I tilted my head in confusion.  
  
“I think I’m in love with you, Kokoro-san.”  
  
_What…?  
What did you just say?  
And did you just call me by my real name?_  
  
“Call me old-fashioned, but there’s an order to everything.” He picked up his tea again and took a sip.  
  
Wide-eyed and surprised at the turn of events, I looked away, blushing.  
  
“I hope you wouldn’t be averse to the idea of being my girlfriend?” Though I was looking away, I could feel his eyes on me.  
  
My heart nearly sprung out of my chest. _Is he serious?_  
  
“You’re unfair…” I mumbled.  
  
“And how so?” His voice was gentle with a hint of playfulness.  
  
“You already know the answer to that question,” I pouted.  
  
“Yeah, but it’s the man’s job to ask,” he clarified. “So?” He waited patiently for my response.  
  
“You jerk…” I curled my arms around his neck and snuggled my face in his neck.  
  
I felt his chest move with the sound of a chuckle. “I’ll take that.”  
  
When I let go, he had a grin on his face. I couldn’t help but return the expression, though I was much too shy to look him in the eyes.  
  
“It’s getting late.” He looked at his watch. “I can take you home.”  
  
I bit my lips and my eyes shuffled uncomfortably. “I don’t want to go home tonight…” My fingers found his jacket sleeve and held on tight.  
  
He didn’t move for a few moments. I continued to stare down at his sleeve, holding on tightly.  
  
“I’ll let you stay on one condition.”  
  
“What is it?” I looked up.  
  
“Call me by my first name.” His gaze was kind and warm, but the corners of his mouth curled in anticipation.  
  
“W-What…” I was completely taken aback.  
  
“It’s a little strange if my girlfriend can’t call me by my real name, don’t you think?” His eyes glimmered teasingly.  
  
“T-That’s not nice!” I pouted. _My girlfriend. Did he just call me his girlfriend…?_  
  
“Don’t tell me you didn’t notice I called you by yours,” he crossed his arms.  
  
What a dilemma. I could let my pride and embarrassment keep me from uttering his name and be sent home, or I could bite the bullet and enjoy the reward of getting to stay.  
  
“...S…S…Sh…S……”  
  
He looked at me with an amused smirk on his face. “I’m waiting.”  
  
I glared back. “Hold on! I’m trying, give me a second.” I took a deep breath.  
  
He seemed to be enjoying me struggle. As he took another sip of his tea, his smirk widened.  
  
“…S…Sh…o…san.” It felt as if I were wringing out all the air in my lungs.  
  
Looking satisfied, he put his cup down and with the same hand, pat the top of my head. “I’ll give you a B-.”  
  
I sighed in relief and brought my hands to my chest.  
  
“You want to take a bath?” he asked.  
  
_There he goes again, leaving me lingering on previous thoughts while he enjoys a new conversation topic._  
  
“S-Sure…” It was clear that I wasn’t used to this. I crossed my arms nervously.  
  
“Bathroom’s down that hallway, to your left,” he pointed. “Clean towels are in the cabinets above the washer.”  
  
“Thanks…” I scratched the side of my head and stood up. “Wait!” I realized something critical. “I don’t have any change of clothes…” I laughed awkwardly.  
  
“I’ll get you something,” he replied casually. “And don’t worry; I won’t withhold it like you did with me.” He raised his eyebrows as if to remind me.  
  
My cheeks flushed with embarrassment. I pouted at him, but waited patiently for him to bring me some clothes.  
  
“Try those.” His clothes fell into my hands.  
  
“…Thanks,” I managed to say before closing the door behind me.  
  
_Phew._ I let out a long exhale and looked around. Like his living room, his bathroom was also of a modern minimalistic taste. The porcelain of the sink was impeccably clean, and a single toothbrush stood in its stand. Curiosity killed the cat, they say, but luckily, I’m no cat. My hands reached for the sink cabinet and opened them. Aside from a spare tube of toothpaste, dental floss, aftershave, and cologne, it was quite bare. Inquisitive fingers grabbed a hold of his cologne. I uncapped the top and brought it to my nose. The aroma sent shivers down my spine and my mind filled with thoughts of him. _Mmm…_ I carefully placed the cap back on the bottle, set it back where it was, and closed the cabinet doors.  
  
I stood there grinning to myself like an idiot as reality set in. Usually, that involved a lot of sighs and groans. But now? Reality seemed much too alluring to be true. _You have a boyfriend, Kokoro. And he’s outside waiting for you. The #1 host of Akatsuki is off the market, ladies!_ I felt a little guilty thinking that way, but I couldn’t help it. The reflection in the mirror smiled back at me, and she looked incredibly happy. _So don’t you tell me you’re incapable of making someone happy._  
  
\--  
  
The bath water felt great and relaxed my nerves. I stepped out to dry off, and suddenly began to worry about insignificant things. _Shoot._ Thinking I was only seeing Ryota tonight, I had chosen my boring, beige-colored granny panties. My bra was also an eyesore. I debated whether to wear them at all, but then the rational side of me pulled my head out of cloud nine. Was my worrying all for nothing? What if he didn’t want to? But, the devil usually has a voice. The setting is perfect; why _wouldn’t_ he want to? I shook my head of both thoughts.  
  
_Better safe than sorry._ I put my undergarments back on, then tried on his t-shirt. The sleeves slacked halfway down my biceps and the hem hung just below my butt. I wasn’t swimming in it, but it was obvious this shirt belonged to a man. Though it was only a piece of fabric, I felt safe wearing it. His pajama pants, on the other hand, were a lot harder to keep in place. The elastic waistband sagged and caught at my hipbones and my feet were completely hidden underneath the loose fabric that gathered at the floor. It looked silly, but I figured it wouldn’t be too awkward if I cover it with the t-shirt. I chuckled to myself and, after checking to make sure I was presentable, I opened the door to join him back in the living room.  
  
“Thanks, I’m done, if you want to go in.” I shifted my feet across the wooden flooring.  
  
He looked my direction and took it all in. Then, he burst into laughter. “You look pretty ridiculous right now.”  
  
I puffed my cheeks. “I don’t have much of a choice, do I?”  
  
“No, you don’t.” He got up, walked over, and stood in front of me. “You’re my first.”  
  
“What, the first woman to look this comical in your clothes?” I narrowed my eyes. He was full of sweet nothings like that, but I’ve gotten better at seeing through them.  
  
He raised his eyebrows and gave me a look like I had guessed right. “You’re not wrong,” he said impressed. “But not fully right, either.”  
  
“Fine, the first woman to look so absolutely ridiculous in your clothes,” I reworded my thoughts.  
  
“Hm…” He leaned forward, bowing to meet my eyelevel. “You are the first woman to look this comical in my clothes.” Then, he gave me a smile. “But I don’t have a comparison, so who really knows?” He stood back upright and hummed some tune as he walked passed me. I heard the bathroom door close.  
  
The honeyed air was almost suffocating. _How stupid of me to think I had him all figured out._ I always knew that he had a way of making me feel special. But now, I also knew that his endearing words and caring actions were exclusive, that I was the object of his affection. Feeling weak in the knees, I had to sit down. My toes curled happily as I looked back at the bathroom door.  
  
\--  
  
It wasn’t long before he came out of the bathroom. Unlike last time, he was fully clothed but had a towel around his neck to catch the drops of water falling from his hair. Upon seeing me, he stifled a laugh.  
  
“Still funny to you, huh?” I crossed my arms.  
  
“Yeah, kinda.” He dried his head with the towel, and his disheveled hair made him look extra sexy. I was falling for his charm again, but this time, I didn’t have to fight it.  
  
“34…”  
  
“Oh, do you suddenly want to go home?” He licked his lips teasingly. “That’s not my name.”  
  
I sighed defeated. “Sh…o-san.”  
  
“Hm?” He smiled invitingly. “I’m listening.”  
  
“…Nothing.” I couldn’t bring myself to say it. It was much too embarrassing.  
  
He joined me on the couch. “You’re not a very good liar.”  
  
The scent of his shampoo tickled my nose. He stuck his full lips out just a little in protest. And that’s all it took; I was starting to feel dizzy.  
  
“N-Now that we’re dating…” I strung together some ambiguous words.  
  
His hand combed through my hair and found a resting place at the nape of my neck. “Mm-hmm?”  
  
“So… that means…” A tingling sensation traveled down my spine as I felt his warmth at my neck.  
  
His other arm curled behind my waist and pulled me closer. I could now feel the heat from his body. “That means…?”  
  
_You tease.  
You know exactly what I want to say._  
  
“…You and I...” I closed my eyes. My head was spinning.  
  
He leaned in and nudged the corner of my mouth with his nose. “What about us?” His hot breath flirted with my collarbones.  
  
I gulped and tried to calm my racing heart. “I want you.”  
  
A satisfied smirk crossed his face. Then, his nose continued its way down my neck. “I see.”  
  
“Mm…” My shoulders tensed at the sensation.  
  
But as soon as I had felt it, he pulled away and looked into my eyes. “Are you okay?” Without saying another word, he reminded me of what had happened earlier tonight.  
  
“I am,” I reassured. My eyes pleaded for him to go on.  
  
Instead, he took my hand and stood up. I followed his lead down the hallway and found myself in his bedroom. He turned the lights on but dimmed them just a bit, then pulled me toward the bed. He waited for me to situate myself, then lied down beside me.  
  
“Close your eyes.” His voice was raspy and alluring.  
  
I didn’t put up a fight.  
  
“Do you trust me?” he asked.  
  
“I do,” I replied, eyes still closed.  
  
With that, I felt his hand move up toward my face. Although I knew that he wasn’t touching me, I had a strange sensation that he was. Was it just my imagination? I slowly exhaled. The sensation traveled down over my nose, across my cheeks, and lingered at my lips. It felt like electricity was releasing from his fingers. I parted my lips a little and exhaled out of my mouth.  
  
“Sho…san?” A breathy name escaped my teeth.  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“…What are you doing?”  
  
“Do you trust me?” he repeated his earlier question.  
  
“I do,” I said again.  
  
“Then, relax.” His lips were millimeters away from my ears, and my body twitched in surprise.  
  
“O-Okay…” Inhaling deeply, I gave him control.  
  
The sensation that had lingered at my lips continued its journey down, tickling my neck and collarbones.  
  
“…Mm.”  
  
Though fully clothed, I could feel his fingers hovering over my chest, then my stomach. As his hand traveled farther down, I anticipated the sensation between my legs… but it didn’t come. Instead, I felt tingling along my calves and thighs, and I knew he had moved there.  
  
Whatever he was doing, it was magic. Soon, my breathing sped up as my lungs hungered for more air. Seeing this, he paused and placed his hands at my ear. I shivered at his touch and realized that everything up to this point had been in my mind.  
  
“How are you feeling?” he asked sweetly.  
  
“…I d-don’t know,” I said between gasps. “It… feels amazing.”  
  
“Good,” he replied as he slowly removed his hand from my ear.  
  
He then placed his four fingers at the top of my forehead, or so I thought. My mind was having trouble comprehending the situation, but it was clear my body was enjoying it. There was dampness between my thighs and my breathing was out of control. His fingers drew a straight line down my face, down the arch of my nose, my parted lips, over my neck, between my collarbones and breasts.  
  
“Aah…”  
  
They then traced over my belly button and caressed my inner thighs. My reflexes jolted to clamp my legs together, but as soon as I loosened my muscles, his fingers teased again.  
  
“Nngh…ahh.” Words were impossible. I let my desires out in moans.  
  
All of a sudden, I felt my body stiffen up, toes curling as my back arched.  
  
“Mmm…aah…!”  
  
My chest rose up and down as I gasped for air, and the rest of my body twitched in ecstasy. It was no surprise what had just happened, but it was certainly the first time I had been fulfilled in such a way. As I lied there completely spent, I felt his fingers part mine and hold my hand.  
  
“How was that?” His honeyed voice echoed in my ears.  
  
It took me several moments before I could answer him. Eyes still closed, I managed to reply, “Incredible.”  
  
“You can open your eyes now, if you want.”  
  
With his invitation, I slowly open them. The dim lights stared back at me.  
  
I heard him move beside me. He bent his arm and using his elbow as support, rested his head on his hand. “Look at me,” he said.  
  
I turned my head to find him there, smiling gently at me. He let go of my hand and moved his up to my face. After tracing my jawline, he rested it at my cheek.  
  
“I want you to know something.”  
  
“Hm…?” I replied faintly.  
  
“Women aren’t mere objects of a man’s fancy.”  
  
I stared into his beautifully sincere eyes.  
  
“But we are men, and any of us are capable of erring.”  
  
I immediately recalled the terror that accompanied Ryota’s earlier assault. I realized that what had just happened was Sho-san’s way of proving an important point.  
  
“Kokoro-san.”  
  
My eyes began to water at the realization. I tried to fight it, but resistance was futile. “…Yes?”  
  
The hand at my cheek caught the tear and wiped it away. “I want to prove to you that there are still good men out there.”  
  
I pursed my lips and a few more tears fell from my eyes.  
  
“You’re my first.” His fingers combed through my hair.  
  
I sniffled and gazed longingly at him.  
  
“You’re the first woman who’s made me feel like I deserve to be happy.”  
  
His soft lips gently kissed my eyes. I turned my body toward him and held him tightly. _You have no idea how strongly I wish for your happiness, too._


	11. Between The Lines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *In the Kanto region of Japan, a huge majority of hair salons are closed on Tuesdays.

The warm sunlight leaking in from the window was what awoke me. A big yawn escaped my mouth as I stretched out my arms and legs. _Hm?_ The covers felt a lot softer than what I was used to, and it smelled faintly of spicy amber. My eyes snapped open as if someone had surprised me. In my vision entered a man securing the curtains open.  
  
“Good morning,” he said softly.  
  
I quickly sat up and greeted him.  
  
He chuckled and walked over to the bed. “That was an epic yawn.”  
  
_Dang it. He saw me._  
“Heh…” I laughed nervously.  
  
His hand landed softly on top of my head as his fingers began to fix my bed hair. “You sleep okay?”  
  
“Yeah…” I sat there as his fingers made their way through my hair and wondered if I were still dreaming. I had never woken up to such a honeyed morning before.  
  
“Want any coffee?”  
  
He walked over to his side of the bed where his watch collection was, and picked out a Breguet XX. Never mind that if I ever bought a Breguet, I’d be left broke without a home. Why dwell on the technicalities when the man wearing it is far more beautiful than the watch? As I gazed at him put it on his wrist, I saw a glimpse of his professionalism, a side I hadn’t really noticed before. He had on a blue-checkered dress shirt with a light gray tailored jacket, both accentuating the breadth of his shoulders, the thickness of his chest, and the gentle curve of his waist. His matching dress pants outlined his hips and thighs, bringing a masculine eroticism to the look.  
  
“It’s not nice to stare,” he smiled playfully.  
  
I snapped out of the daze. “S-Sorry.” I couldn’t help myself. _What’s wrong with checking out my boyfriend?_ I smiled at the thought.  
  
“Coffee?” he asked again.  
  
“Yes, I’d love some.”  
  
He nodded and turned to go to the kitchen. I got out of bed, fixed the sheets, and looked at the two pillows lying side by side. Sometimes, you find joy in the smallest things. This was one of those things.  
  
I walked out his room, down the hallway, and into the living room. The aroma of vanilla nut coffee tickled my nose.  
  
“Here you go.” He reached his arms out to pass me a white mug. “Milk or sugar?”  
  
“Yes, please, to both.” It smelled like a divine morning.  
  
“Here.” He placed a milk carton, a bag of sugar, and a spoon on the coffee table. “I take it black, so this is all I’ve got.”  
  
I smiled, not just because it was refreshing to see him stumbling a little in his hospitality, but also because I just found out another fact about him. How many others know that you like black coffee? I stored that tidbit safely in my mind and scooped some sugar out of the bag.  
  
“Mm, this is really good coffee, Sho-san,” I said eagerly.  
  
But when I said this, I noticed that he was staring at me.  
  
“…I-Is there something on my face?” I rubbed my cheeks just in case.  
  
He burst into laughter. “I had totally forgotten about those pants.”  
  
My jaw dropped defiantly. “It’s not nice to stare!” _If I can’t stare at you, then you can’t get away with staring at me!_  
  
He took a sip of his coffee without looking away. “Looks like I’ll have to get you some better fitting pajama pants for when you come over.”  
  
I nearly dropped my mug. _F-For when I come over? What are you implying…?_  
  
Unfazed as usual, he took another sip of his drink and walked over toward me. In my haste to fix the bed, I failed to realize that his t-shirt was now sliding off one of my shoulders, exposing my collarbones. Without any hesitation, he bowed down to kiss me there.  
  
“I don’t have to practice restraint anymore, do I?” The smell of coffee lingered about. His free hand gently fixed my shirt, covering my once exposed collarbone.  
  
The room suddenly felt warm and the place where he had planted the kiss was burning from his touch. Is he always this sweet in the mornings? I sighed, fully content.  
  
“Did you want anything to eat? I usually just make toast.” He walked back into the kitchen and I heard the rustling of a plastic bag.  
  
“Oh, um… sure, if it’s not too much trouble.”  
  
“You can get ready while I make it,” he stopped me right before I stepped foot into his kitchen.  
  
“Do you need help?” I asked in an effort to be polite.  
  
“I’m no cook, but I think I can manage this,” he chuckled.  
  
“Right.” I nodded and turned to make my way toward the bathroom. After closing the door behind me, I realized that the only change of clothes I had were the ones I was wearing yesterday. _Shoot._ At this point, I had no choice. I pulled his t-shirt over my head and put on my blouse. His pajama pants didn’t need much help slipping down to the floor. I pulled my skinny jeans up and looked into the mirror. Luckily, I had brought my makeup back with me. After applying some foundation, blush, and eyeliner, I tossed my hair a bit and braided it from the back down to one side of my body. Now that I was a little more presentable, I headed back toward the living room feeling a little more confident.  
  
“Mm.” He noticed I had returned and stopped his hands. My heart fluttered at the sight. Dangling around his neck was a simple, dark brown necktie. There was something in the fabric that gave it an opalescent quality, and it glimmered with his every movement. In his mouth was a slice of toast, which told me he had been busying his hands with something else. It had been years since I had seen a man getting ready in the morning. Without realizing it, my heart had picked up speed.  
  
He took the toast out of his mouth and pointed to the counter with it. “Yours is over there.”  
  
I followed his gesture and saw that next to the toast was a jar of jam that looked as though it had never been opened. “Thanks,” I smiled.  
  
“Do you like jam? Strawberry’s all I had.”  
  
I looked his way again and noticed that the toast in his hand was slightly burnt. On my plate was a perfectly toasted slice. “Um, Sho-san?”  
  
“Hm?” He had taken a bite of his. I pointed to my slice and then at his, and he seemed to figure out what I wanted to say. “I told you I can’t cook.”  
  
I bit my lips to keep the smile from bursting open. The perfect man, the #1 host of Akatsuki, just burnt his toast. The fact was so endearing that I couldn’t hold it in any longer. The smile exploded on my face.  
  
“That’s silly,” I giggled. It made me feel special to be able to see this side of him.  
  
He made his way over to me with his toast in hand. “Is this funny to you?” The corners of his mouth were curling curiously.  
  
“Yeah, kinda.” I covered my mouth with my hand to try and be polite. But suddenly, he put his toast down on the plate, on top of mine, and pulled that hand toward him. I felt my body swinging forward and into his chest. And just like that, he had embraced me.  
  
“It’s not nice to laugh at someone’s misery, is it?” I felt his chin on top of my head.  
  
I was about to apologize when I remembered something. “You did it, too.”  
  
“What, with those pajama pants?” he chuckled.  
  
_See, you’re not even denying it._  
“Yeah.” I pouted even though I knew he couldn’t see my face. My ear was leaning against his chest and I could hear his strong and steady heartbeat. Quite contrary to my racing one, I thought.  
  
“I did offer a solution for that,” he reminded.  
  
_“Looks like I’ll have to get you some better fitting pajama pants for when you come over.”_ His words ricocheted in my mind like a ping-pong ball.  
  
“S-So?” I tried to keep my cool.  
  
“Don’t you have a solution for me?” He let go of me but kept my body close.  
  
I caught him staring inquisitively. “Like what?”  
  
“Oh, I don’t know.” He reached behind my head and picked up his toast again. Then, bringing his lips to my ears, he whispered, “You could come over more often and cook for me instead?”  
  
I froze in place. His warm breath left a tingling sensation there. When I looked at him, he was already taking another bite of his toast as if nothing had happened. He was always in control. And yet. I no longer minded.  
  
“I’ve got an appointment this morning,” he said, still standing in front of me. “Do you have work today?”  
  
Still lingering on his suggestion, it took me a few seconds before I realized he had said something else.  
  
“Sorry, what?”  
  
His smirk said it all. He was thoroughly enjoying the power he had over me. Another bite later, he repeated his question.  
  
I looked at the time. _8:14AM._ My shift didn’t start until 11:00AM, but I didn’t want to keep him from starting his day. “Yeah. Let me gather my things, I don’t want to keep you.”  
  
“I’ll take you,” he smiled.  
  
He had a way of throwing me off my train of thought, and he had done it again. One moment, he’s smirking away, then, he turns around and flashes that genuine smile. There was no staying mad at him. _How could I say ‘no’?_  
  
“…Sure.”  
  
This is far better than my usual morning routine, I thought. I didn’t want to speak too soon, but I let myself dwell on the thought. As nervous as I was, I encouraged myself to be vulnerable. _I could get used to this._ I spread some jam onto my toast and took a bite.  
  
“Mmm!” I squealed.  
  
“Good?”  
  
“This jam is so good! Not too sweet, you know, some jams just taste like syrup. I can actually taste the sourness of the fruit. And the bread is fluffy on the inside even though the outside is perfectly crispy. I wonder if they use a different mix of flour…”  
  
I heard him giggling as he finished the last bite of his.  
  
“What’s so funny?” I puffed my cheeks.  
  
“You’re cute when you talk about food,” he licked his fingers of the crumbs.  
  
I furrowed my eyebrows and gave him a playful, challenging glare. “I won’t cook for you if you make fun of me.”  
  
But he stood there, unaffected by my feeble threat. Instead, he busied his hands and began to knot the tie around his neck. I watched as his slender, masculine fingers moved in a motion they were clearly used to, swooping the longer end under and over, and before I could blink, a clean, Half-Windsor knot rested neatly at the base of his neck. Perhaps I had been staring too long. He noticed my gaze and leaned in to look at me.  
  
“I guess that means you won’t get to see me get ready in the mornings, either.” He pushed his lips out provocatively, challenging my previous comment.  
  
“No, wait…!” I grabbed the loose part of his button-down shirt near the elbows. I looked down at my feet in defeat. “I didn’t mean what I said…”  
  
He bit his lips in satisfaction, mouth curling at the edges. “Look who’s honest this morning.” Then, he used his free arm to pull me in closer, only millimeters away from his body. Freeing my hand, he caressed it with his thumb. His smirk slowly metamorphosed into an endearing smile, and I felt as though my mind were melting from the heat.  
  
This is what you do, and you do it impeccably. I’ve come to know that about you, Sho-san. There’s a deep warmth to your kindness. That’s why I can’t win with you, but that’s okay. I’ll accept defeat if that means I get to see you smile at me like that.  
  
\--  
  
“It’s this salon right here,” I said, as I pointed out the window at my workplace.  
  
It was nearly 8:45AM when we had arrived there. He put his hazards on and pulled up to the curb.  
  
“You’re a hair stylist?” His question made me realize I hadn’t disclosed that information yet.  
  
“I can’t believe I never told you…” I said, bewildered.  
  
“Maybe you can cut my hair next time,” he suggested. “I’m due for one, anyway.” He combed through his bangs.  
  
I could feel my pulse thumping in my fingers. “Sure.” The thought of touching his hair sent tingling sensations all the way down my hands.  
  
“Kokoro-san.”  
  
“Y-Yes?” I wondered how long we’d have to date before I finally got used to him calling me by my name.  
  
“What are you doing next Tuesday?”  
  
“Tuesday?” I thought forward several days. “Nothing so far. Why?”  
  
“Well, you don’t have work on Tuesdays, do you?” **  
  
For a second, I wondered how he knew that. Was he just accurate with his guessing game again? But as I followed his gaze out toward the hair salon, I deduced his thought process.  
  
“Leave that day open,” he said casually.  
  
“…Why?” Anticipation grew with each rushing heartbeat.  
  
“I want to take you out on a date.” He arched his eyebrows ever so slightly, eyes scanning my expression for a reply.  
  
I felt my heart punching at my ribcage. Luckily enough, I was wearing closed-toed ballet flats; otherwise, my curling toes would have given away the excitement in my bones.  
  
“What do you say?” he smiled.  
  
“…I’d love that.” I hope I didn’t sound too excited, I thought, as I smiled back at him.  
  
“I’ll call you with details later, then.” His fingers made their way to the loose strands caught in my eyelashes. After neatly tucking them away behind my ears, his fingers lingered at the edge of my jawline.  
  
“S…ho-san…?”  
  
As if he knew exactly what I wanted, he leaned in and left the softest kiss I had ever experienced. My lips burned and yearned for more.  
  
“Be good, Kokoro-san.” His fingers slid away as he leaned back in his own seat.  
  
All I could manage was a feeble nod. As I opened the door to exit his car, I saw him raise a part of his hand from the handle to signal farewell. The smile on his face was so warm and gentle, my toes curled in my shoes again. His car weaved back into oncoming traffic and I watched it disappear into a right turn. Happiness overwhelmed me. I get to see him again on Tuesday. With a skip in my step, I headed for the salon.  
  
\--  
  
After work, I decided to stop by a department store. Embarrassingly enough, at the age of 33, I had forgotten what it was like to go on a date. What Sho-san had referred to as a date in the past was different. That was a group outing, I thought. This? Now, this was a completely different story. It was going to be our very first date.  
  
My wardrobe throughout the years had become a collection of what I considered “comfortable” and “modest,” miles and miles away from what any girl should be wearing on her very first date. What I had worn to the group outing was about the only thing that had even the slightest chance of getting a passing grade. Nervous and not knowing where to start, I browsed through some of the shops and looked at the mannequins for some ideas.  
  
After walking around the department store for some time, I came across a light pink dress. It was adorned with lace and everything about it screamed girly. The sleeves were flowy as it cuffed at the wrists, and the length of the hem seemed to graze just above the knee. I walked into the store, but not without hesitation. Still in the same clothes as yesterday, I felt inappropriate stepping in.  
  
Back in my student years, I was the girl in class with whom the boys felt comfortable speaking…which is to say, they didn’t see me in that way. I was pretty good at sports, and unlike the other girls in class, I didn’t mind getting treated like one of the boys. While they went easy on the cute girls in class, when it came to me, they wouldn’t think twice. “You’re comfortable to be around, Nijishima.” I remembered a guy in class telling me. “But comfortable doesn’t attract us, you know?”  
  
So, it was with great courage I even stepped foot in this store. I took the dress sleeves in my hands and felt the daintiness of it. It seemed to have a fragility that my personality clearly didn’t possess. _Maybe I’m trying too hard._ As I was about to walk away, a staff called to me.  
  
“It’s an adorable dress, isn’t it?” She smiled, her rosy cheeks glowing. Standing there was a character straight out of a manga, I thought. Her hair was flowy and soft, her glossy lips delectable, her small frame accentuating the puffiness of the knitted top she was wearing, her slender legs reaching a pair of light brown booties that seemed like they had hardly been worn. _Ah. THIS is the kind of girl who would look good in a dress like this._ I smiled nervously at her. My insecurities were surfacing their ugly heads again.  
  
“Y-Yeah, it is…” I let go of the hand touching the dress.  
  
“Would you like to try it on? We have two other colors, but the light pink is our top seller.” She shuffled through the clothing rack and pulled out the other two colors. One was a light purple, and the other was off-white. Of course. The dress only came in soft, feminine colors.  
  
“Uh… n-no, that’s okay,” I shook my head. I bowed to thank her.  
  
“Are you sure? I think the light pink would work really well with your skin tone,” she pressed.  
  
I looked back at the one adorning the mannequin. _Do you like feminine women, Sho-san?_ As the question circled around in my head, I felt a small voice whisper, _“But comfortable doesn’t attract us, you know?”_  
  
I took a deep breath. “…Okay, I’ll try that one.” My finger shyly pointed at the mannequin.  
  
“I’ll get a room ready for you,” the girl smiled widely. The sound of her boots echoed in my head.  
  
Once inside the dressing room, I felt a little more at ease. Even if it ends up looking terrible on me, I’d be the only person to see it, I assured myself. After undressing myself, I carefully took the dress in my hands. My workers’ hands just weren’t capable of making this garment look feminine. Though hesitant, I stepped into the dress and zipped the back.  
  
In the mirror was a woman who looked like she had never seen her reflection before. Her face looked surprised, but also not as stern as it was before. She moved around awkwardly, testing the length of the hem as it swayed side to side with each step. Her fidgety hands pulled at the sleeves.  
  
“How’s everything going in there?” I heard the same girly voice just outside the dressing room door.  
  
“U-Uh, I’m fine!” I stammered.  
  
“Please feel free to come out and look at the outfit in a different lighting,” she invited.  
  
I stared at my reflection for a few moments longer. Standing here looking at myself isn’t going to make me feel any less insecure, I told myself. I unlocked the door and slowly stepped out.  
  
“Oh, wow! That looks so cute on you!” The girl clasped her dainty hands across her chest as she watched me move nervously. “I knew that color would work well with your skin tone!”  
  
_Please. You’re paid to say that._  
And yet, her words seemed to silence the doubting voices in my head, even if only for a moment. For that, I was grateful.  
  
“…You sure I can pull this off?” I laughed uncomfortably.  
  
“You have really slender legs, Miss. I think you should show them off more.” Her smile seemed genuine, but all I could do was keep the heat from rising to my head.  
  
The girl left my side for a moment and came back with a light heather grey cardigan. “Is this for a special occasion?”  
  
_Special occasion._ I thought for a moment. “…Yeah. It is.”  
  
“You can wear something like this over the dress.” She reached her hand out to place the cardigan against my body. “It’ll tone down the femininity of the dress a little bit, if that’s something you’re worried about.”  
  
This girl must have top sales at this store, I thought. The way she was able to decipher my nervousness from my body language, how she casually suggested this cardigan as if she knew I wasn’t used to this kind of outfit, even the gentle smile on her face told me that her intentions were good. I took the grey cardigan from her and put it on. The hem was long and asymmetrical, longer in the back and tapering down to fit snugly around my hips. Sure enough, it made me feel a little more comfortable, a little more reserved.  
  
“Very elegant,” she stated.  
  
I couldn’t help but smile at her. “You’re very good. I’ll take both.”  
  
\--  
  
Tonight was one of those nights where I didn’t feel that hungry. It was only 7:30PM, so I decided to look around some more. I passed by a shoe store displaying dainty heels and boots. On the way out from the clothing store, the girl left me with sound advice.  
  
“If it’s a date, I recommend heels with this dress.”  
  
By the end of the night, I ended up buying a pair of modest gray heels to match my outfit and a slightly sexy bra and undies set. Now that I knew it was okay to desire him physically, I thought it would make sense to have at least one set of provocative undergarments. _Not that I’m expecting anything._ Even as I told myself so, my heart was fluttering at the hopes that Tuesday night would lead to something like that. These purchased items were all part of my intricate plan. He's always around gorgeous women. If I don’t step up my game, he may lose interest, I feared.  
  
\--  
  
A few, uneventful days passed and it was already Monday night. Although he had texted me every now and then, he hadn’t called me since he dropped me off at work.  
  
_“Excited for Tuesday.”_  
  
That was his last text, sent on Sunday. He must be busy, I thought. I’m going to spend extra time getting ready for tomorrow, I told myself. I began with a long bath to relax my muscles. Then, I looked around my shower cabinets for some nail polish. Clean fingernails came as a requirement in my profession, so I rarely put any polish on my nails. But tomorrow is special. After some rummaging, I finally found some half-used bottles. Among the colors was a light pink hue, and I thought it was the perfect color to go with the dress. As I opened the bottle to start painting, my phone rang.  
  
_Calling >>> 34_  
  
A smile broke out on my face. All it took was his nickname to flash on my phone screen.  
  
“Hello?”  
  
“Kokoro-san? It’s me.” His sweet voice met my ears and my toes curled once more.  
  
“Sho-san,” I smiled.  
  
“Sorry I didn’t call you sooner.”  
  
“That’s okay.”  
  
“I missed hearing your voice.”  
  
And just like that, he takes me by surprise and sweeps me off my feet.  
  
“Could you meet me at 10:00AM in front of your apartment?”  
  
“H-Here?”  
  
“I’ll come get you.”  
  
“10:00AM, okay!” With an actual meeting time, tomorrow finally felt real.  
  
“Oh, also,” he continued, “Bring a change of clothes.”  
  
_Thump,_ went my heart.  
  
“Kokoro-san?” Apparently, I had been surprised silent. He called my name to make sure I was still there.  
  
“Huh? O-Oh, yeah, okay…”  
  
I heard him laughing on the other end of the line. Surely, it was in jest for my apparent lack of composure. “See you tomorrow, Kokoro-san.”  
  
Tomorrow couldn’t come sooner.  
  
\--  
  
_9:50AM._  
  
I checked my watch and headed out. My feet weren’t used to such feminine heels, or shoes, for that matter. I walked carefully to the elevator and pressed the main floor button. In one hand was my purse, in the other, a small duffel bag.  
  
_“Bring a change of clothes.”_  
  
His words buzzed in my ears and accelerated my heart rate. When the chime rang to tell me I had arrived, I took a deep breath and stepped outside.  
  
When I opened the main door, he was already waiting, his body leaning against his car. Seeing me, he started walking over.  
  
“Good morning, Kokoro-san,” he greeted. “Here.” Effortlessly, he took the duffel bag out of my right hand and walked me over to his car.  
  
“Morning. Did you wait long?”  
  
“I just got here,” he replied, as he opened the trunk. Whether that was truth or kindness speaking, I didn’t know, but I smiled.  
  
After closing the trunk, he walked over to the passenger’s seat side and opened the door. Then, he tilted his head to one side and stared at me.  
  
“…I-Is something wrong? Do I look weird?”  
  
His eyes moved down my body and back up to my face, but there was no indecency about it. He blinked a few times and chuckled through his nose.  
  
“You’re exceptionally cute today.”  
  
The blood rushed to my cheeks and I couldn’t look him in the eyes.  
  
“Come on,” he gestured with his hand. I climbed into the car, covering my legs with the hem of the dress awkwardly. _I am totally not used to this, clearly._  
  
But he didn’t say anything about it. Walking back to his side of the car, he climbed into the driver’s seat and fastened his seatbelt. That’s when it dawned on me.  
  
“What are we doing today?” It surprised me that I didn’t even think to ask until now.  
  
“You’ll know in a bit.” All I got was his usual reply, and yet, I couldn’t hide the happiness on my face. _He had thought of a date plan for me._ I knew now that that was what he was saying between the lines.  
  
\--  
  
The drive lasted about 20 minutes or so. He found a parking lot and reversed into it effortlessly. During the ride over, he told me that he had bought sugar cubes and some creamer for his house.  
  
“…Hm?”  
  
“Doesn’t someone like cream and sugar in her coffee?”  
  
My heart brimmed with joy. _He was thinking about me._ I knew now that that was what he was saying between the lines.  
  
“Ready?” He unbuckled his seatbelt and reached into the backseat for his Porter shoulder bag.  
  
I watched his movements. His Adam’s apple moved as the line of his neck down to his collarbones invited my gaze. In my shyness, I didn’t notice what he was wearing until now: a knitted v-neck sweater that brought out the browns of his eyes, and dark, distressed jeans. It was a simple outfit, but having never seen him in this setting, I couldn’t help but notice the little things. Like how the necklace around his neck was just long enough to hide underneath the v-neck. Or how the shape of his shoulders and arms sometimes surfaced underneath the sweater. Or how masculine his fingers looked as they grabbed for his bag.  
  
That’s when I heard a familiar chuckle. “This isn’t the first time you’ve seen me outside of work, Kokoro-san.”  
  
With a statement that seemed to have read my mind, I shook myself from the daze. “Sorry, I just…”  
  
“Come on.” He made his way to my side of the car and opened the door.  
  
I stepped out and stood beside him. Thanks to my heels, I noticed that his face was closer to mine than usual. His neck smelled like his cologne and made me feel a little dizzy. After closing the door, he walked a few steps in front of me to lead the way. From what I could tell, this was just a pay-per-hour parking lot. I still didn’t know where we were going.  
  
“Kokoro-san.” He turned back around and called my name.  
  
“Hm?”  
  
Without saying a word, he stretched out his right hand and waited. _C-Could this mean..._ I inched closer and shyly met it with my left hand. His fingers weaved through and his grip was firm. When I met his gaze, he was smiling lovingly.  
  
He led the way. With all the twists and turns, I knew I would have gotten lost without him. After about five minutes, his pace came to a halt in front of a women’s clothing store.  
  
“First stop,” he said.  
  
I looked into the display window. The first thing to meet my eyes was a mannequin wearing a white lace baby doll. My eyes widened in terror and I snapped my hand out of his.  
  
“W-W…Wait…” I hesitated. “Is t-this what y-you’re into?” If my choppy sentences are any indication, yes, I am indeed about to have a heart attack.  
  
Catching on quickly, he grabbed the hand that had gotten loose and squeezed it gently. “If it were, would you be willing to wear something like that for me?” He looked back at the baby doll on the mannequin for a moment, then back at me, lips curling slightly.  
  
My cheeks were burning with embarrassment. In all honesty, the outfit I was wearing right now was as girly as I got. Then, I recalled that he had already seen me in my oh-so-not-sexy beige underwear and I could tell that even my ears were turning red. But, I also hadn’t forgotten that he had called me “exceptionally cute” in this dress. If this is what he likes, then I want to try to be that girl for him.  
  
I took a deep breath. “I…f you like that sort of thing…” I pursed my lips and kept my eyes on the ground.  
  
“This is new, isn’t it?” He reached for the sleeves on my dress with his free hand and felt the fabric. “Did you buy it for today’s date?”  
  
I immediately looked up at him. “How did you know…?”  
  
“One day, you won’t need me to remind you that I’m a good guesser.”  
  
I let out a shy chuckle. “I’m not good at being girly…” I confessed. I looked away again. He was so charming and suave. I spent extra time on my hair today. I did my nails, too. Although I normally don’t wear much makeup, I added eyeshadow and some tinted lip gloss to my routine. _Sho-san, did you know that? I want to be a woman suited to walk beside you._ And I was trying. Really hard. But as he once told me, “A lie will always find a way out.” Disappointed at myself, I couldn’t bring my gaze to meet him.  
  
A gentle breeze combed through my hair. His hand floated up and fixed the bangs that got in the way of my eyes. “Kokoro-san.”  
  
“…Yes?” I didn’t have the courage to look up.  
  
“Look at me.” His voice was inviting, and his hand gave mine a little squeeze.  
  
I bit my lips tightly and slowly met his gaze.  
  
“I chose you.” His eyes looked like marbles reflecting the determination in his soul. “You’re mine. I would brag about you to all my friends even if you showed up in sweats today.”  
  
I could feel tears welling up. I clenched my jaw to keep them from spilling over. _I spent a good while doing my makeup, you know. Why do you have to make me cry?_  
  
“They have lounge wear in the back of the store.” His eyes didn’t look away. “You wear what makes you comfortable.”  
  
The kindness in his words squeezed at my heart tightly. _“But comfortable doesn’t attract us, you know?”_ His words were so different from the rest. What had I done to deserve such a beautiful soul? The hand that held mine led me into the store. As I followed him, his broad shoulders seemed to tell me that he accepts me just as I am. I let a single tear roll down my cheeks, then quickly wiped it away with my free hand.  
  
“Good morning, how are you today?” Like my experience looking for this dress, a feminine voice greeted us as we made our way through the doors. The staff member was a slender girl wearing a bubble skirt made of tulle. She had the face of a doll, I thought. I tried to keep my insecurities at bay once more.  
  
“We’re doing great, thanks,” he answered for both of us.  
  
“Is there anything you’re looking for in particular?” she asked.  
  
“Your loungewear collection is in the back, right?” He pointed toward the back of the store.  
  
“That’s correct. I’ll show you the way.” She escorted us over to a section that clearly carried a lot more fabric per square footage of body. “This is Esther, our new line of loungewear. We have a weekday sale, it’s buy one set of lounge wear, get any lingerie for 50% off. Let me know if you have any questions.”  
  
You could say I was cowering behind Sho-san. It was strange, I know. Why is the girl looking more uncomfortable than the guy in a lingerie store?  
  
“Take a look,” he suggested. “They have really cute stuff here.”  
  
I nodded awkwardly and began browsing the Esther line. One touch of the fabric and I was in love. It felt so soft and comfortable. The sleeves went down to the wrists, and you could choose between shorts and pants. How kind of them.  
  
“…How about these?” I picked out a navy blue set. The Esther top was flowy, with a hem cut that gave it just the right amount of femininity. The collar was slightly on the wide side, but it did leave most to the imagination, so to speak. The pants were stretchy and comfortable, with tiny, white sailboat patterns on it.  
  
“Want to try it on?” He had been browsing the same area but looked my way as soon as he’d heard my voice.  
  
He had the staff member prepare a dressing room for me. Once inside, I closed the door behind me and got ready to try it on.  
  
“Kokoro-san?” I heard his voice just outside the door.  
  
“Y-Yes?” Even though I knew he couldn’t see, I braced my arms in front of my chest with the dress I had just taken off.  
  
“I’d like to see it, if you’re okay with that.”  
  
I paused in place. _If I like it, he’s going to see me in it, anyway._ “Okay,” I nodded.  
  
I slipped into the top and pulled up the bottoms. The fabric enveloped me like a cloud. It felt divine.  
  
“U-Uh… I’m ready.” I cleared my throat.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
I carefully opened the door and curled my shoulders forward shyly. I could feel his eyes on me.  
  
“I like it a lot,” he said without a hint of hesitation.  
  
“…Really?” My eyes fluttered at his words.  
  
“That’s a really nice color on you, too.”  
  
My toes curled and my heart knew what that meant. Before I knew it, I was smiling again. I changed back into my dress and walked out with the loungewear.  
  
“Just these?” He took the hanger from my hands and draped the fabric over his other arm.  
  
“Yeah, those were nice,” I replied.  
  
“All right,” he smiled. Then, he walked over to the counter and paid for it.  
  
“W-Wait, I’ll get it,” I protested.  
  
“I said I’d get you some better fitting pajama pants for when you come over, didn’t I?” He pushed the wallet back into my purse. “Can’t I buy nice things for my girlfriend?”  
  
Every sweet gesture and every kind word was too much for my heart to handle. I was not used to being treated like this. As we left the shop, he grabbed the paper bag and held the door open for me.  
  
“Want to know a perk of being with me?” He held out his other hand and waited for me to hold it. His were warm and my fingers tingled at his touch.  
  
“…Hm?”  
  
“My clients are all women. Do you know what that means?” He raised his eyebrows.  
  
I shook my head.  
  
“That means all their stories about their lives have shaped who I am today.”  
  
“What do you mean?” I asked for clarification.  
  
“I would hope that those countless hours at work have somehow taught me a thing or two about how to treat a woman,” he chuckled.  
  
_Of course. Yes, of course._ Why hadn’t I thought that before?  
  
“Plus,” he continued, “I hear about all these nice places to shop for stuff.” He raised the paper bag as proof.  
  
My expression melted into a smile. “I guess I should be thanking them, then.”  
  
“I never had the chance to do this for anyone before.” His hand pulled me closer to his side. “I can finally put my knowledge into action.” He laughed at his own statement.  
  
As for me? Well. I just got to see his smiling face again. If—even in the smallest way— I were the reason that he was smiling… I let the thought linger in the air as I followed his lead down the street.  
  
“Hungry?”  
  
“Yeah,” I replied.  
  
“Today’s lunch is brought to you by Mrs. Takeda, a long-time client of mine,” he joked.  
  
I giggled, face brimming with the happiness of being with him. “Well, then. Thank you, Mrs. Takeda!” I chimed in.  
  
As we continued walking toward our next destination, I thought I had seen yet another side of him. I held his hand a little tighter and hoped that he wouldn’t ask why. _Sho-san. Do you know how happy you make me?_


	12. The Man With The Camera

“Second stop.” He came to a halt at the corner of an intersection. “Hope you like Italian.”  
  
_Trattoria Baccanale_, the red, neon sign read.  
  
The building itself looked aged. Light brown bricks made up the exterior and the arched entranceway was adorned with an elaborate carving. The doors leading into the restaurant were a rich mahogany hue, and there was a long line of people standing alongside the building waiting to be seated. I could smell roasted tomatoes and garlic sizzling in olive oil. My stomach growled in response to the tantalizing scents.  
  
“Hungry?” he chuckled.  
  
I smiled, embarrassed. “Looks like my stomach gave me away.”  
  
I glanced at the crowd and wondered how long the wait would be. I started making my way to the end of the line, but felt a tug in the other direction. Without minding the others, he led us into the restaurant.  
  
“Welcome to Trattoria Baccanale. Do you have a reservation with us today?” A tall, slender man greeted us.  
  
“Sakurai, for two, at 11:30AM.”  
  
“Mr. Sakurai. It’s our pleasure to have you. Right this way.”  
  
He let go of my hand and gestured me to go first. “After you,” he insisted.  
  
“Thanks…” I gave him a tiny smile before following the slender man to our table.  
  
Even though it was midday outside, the ambience of the restaurant could trick you into thinking it was already evening. The warm, orange lighting set the tone for quiet conversations and gentle expressions. Upon arriving at our table, the man pulled out my seat, bowed, and left to return to his post at the front of the restaurant.  
  
I adjusted myself in the seat. “Wow… this place is so fancy. How did you get reservations?”  
  
He smiled apologetically but didn’t answer my question. “Was it too lavish for lunch?”  
  
“Oh, n-no, that’s not what I meant…” I shook my head. “I’m… just not used to places like this.” Considering the line outside, I knew a lot of effort went into planning this lunch. Although I felt out of place, I didn’t want to sound unthankful.  
  
“Me, neither,” he smiled reassuringly. He fixed his shirt and clasped his hands on the table. The cut of his top was dangerously alluring, his collarbones teasing me as they peeked from underneath the fabric.  
  
“Kokoro-san.”  
  
I must have been staring again. When I met his eyes, he was laughing through his nose. “S-Sorry…”  
  
“The menu isn’t written on my face, you know.” He opened the drink menu and placed it in front of me so I could read it. I couldn’t help but notice his beautifully-shaped fingers and his well-groomed nails.  
  
“Hello, my name is Kuroda and I’ll be your server today.” Another tall, slender man approached our table and gave a bow. “Would you like to start your meal with something to drink?”  
  
“U-Uh…” I skimmed through the menu but nothing really came to mind.  
  
“How about a red?” Sho-san suggested.  
  
“S-Sure.”  
  
He took the drink menu from my hands and took a brief glance at it. “Could you get her a glass of the 2011 Ruffino Riserva Ducale Oro?”  
  
“Of course. And for you, sir?”  
  
“I’ll just stick to water.”  
  
“Very well,” Mr. Kuroda bowed and excused himself.  
  
“Are you not going to drink?”  
  
“I have to drive, don’t I?” he reminded.  
  
“Oh…” I nodded. “That’s true.”  
  
“What would you like to eat?” He stared at the menu positioned beside my silverware and opened it for me.”  
  
I took a browse, but everything looked mouthwatering and I was having a hard time choosing.  
  
“I hear their puttanesca is really good.” It was so very like him to do this. When in doubt, follow his lead. That, I’ve learned.  
  
“I’ll take that, then.” I closed the menu without perusing it much at all. My mind drifted off for a brief moment as I wondered if this is what it’s like to date Sho-san. He never forced me to do or choose anything, and yet, he was so good at leading that I preferred to follow. Then, there was a millisecond of fear: what if I forget how to take care of myself? He was so skilled at it that recently, I haven’t had to.  
  
“I think I’ll go with the spaghetti alle vongole.” His decision snapped me out of my own head. “…You okay?”  
  
Clearly, my thoughts were written all over my face. “Y-Yeah,” I answered quickly.  
  
“Hey, so I was thinking,” he began to speak, but Mr. Kuroda had returned with our drinks.  
  
“Miss, your glass of 2011 Ruffino Riserva Ducale Oro. And sir, here is your water.” He placed the drinks in front of each of us.  
  
“Thank you,” I smiled and gave a quick nod.  
  
“Have you decided on your meal?” Mr. Kuroda clasped his hands in front of his body and waited for our response.  
  
I looked at Sho-san to see if he wanted to order first. He returned eye contact and gave me a tiny smile. “She’ll have the puttanesca, and I’ll take the spaghetti alle vongole.”  
  
_I guess I never need to worry about who orders first._  
  
“Very well,” Mr. Kuroda replied, and once more took his leave.  
  
“Have you learned nothing since meeting me?” Sho-san sipped his water and threw me a cryptic question.  
  
“…What do you mean?”  
  
“You were wondering whether I was going to order first, weren’t you?” His eyes were sparkly and looked as though they were reading me like a book.  
  
“You don’t miss a beat, do you…” I nervously bit my lip.  
  
“What kind of host would I be if I didn’t let the lady go first?” He raised his eyebrows playfully.  
  
A shaky laugh escaped my mouth. _Of course._ What was I thinking? I picked up the wine glass and took an unusually big gulp. He responded with a hearty chuckle.  
  
“You should save some of that for your meal. It’ll pair well with your tomato-based pasta.” He unfolded the napkin on the table and placed it properly on his lap.  
  
\--  
  
“This is incredible!” I exclaimed after a bite of my spaghetti. “The anchovies blend well with the tomatoes and the saltiness of the olives…”  
  
“Hm?” He was listening earnestly. “What about the olives?”  
  
I furrowed my eyebrows slightly, a bit apprehensive. “You… aren’t going to make fun of me?”  
  
He finished chewing his bite. “I’ve never made fun of you for this,” he corrected.  
  
“If by ‘never’ you mean ‘always,’ then yes, I agree with you,” I challenged.  
  
“You just don’t like receiving compliments.”  
  
“That’s not the probl…” The end of my sentence faded away. In truth, I knew that was the problem. My problem. He knew that, too. But, instead of giving a lecture on how I needed to change, he shifted the direction of the conversation slightly so that the spotlight went elsewhere. Instantly, I felt like I didn’t have to justify or explain myself. The tension in my shoulders loosened its grip.  
  
“Besides, have I ever been that predictable?”  
  
I pouted as I shook my head.  
  
“So? What about those olives?” he encouraged me to continue.  
  
“…Um, well, the saltiness of the olives adds depth to the simple flavors.”  
  
“Can I try?” He held out his fork toward my plate.  
  
“Ah, of course.” I slid my dish closer to him.  
  
I watched his fingers as they skillfully twirled the fork, his well-groomed fingertips moving elegantly. He caught me staring and gave me a stifled smirk. He filled his cheeks with the spaghetti and his lips glistened from the olive oil.  
  
“Mmm, you’re right. The olives accentuate the different flavors.” He wiped the corner of his mouth with his thumb.  
  
Although his usual demeanor was nothing short of chivalrous perfection, it was only when he ate that I saw chinks in his armor. In these moments, I could see a carefree child stuffing his cheeks, finding joy in simple things without a care in the world. Glimpses of such innocence made him even more endearing. I vowed to myself that I would do whatever it takes to protect this side of him.  
  
“Kokoro-san?”  
  
“Y-Yes?!” I realized that I did this a lot whenever I was around him. Collecting my wandering thoughts, I blinked rapidly to refocus.  
  
He let out a soft chuckle, then proceeded to pick up his plate and place it closer to me. “Want to try mine, too?”  
  
“Oh, sure!” I twirled my fork and took a bite. My expression gave me away.  
  
“Good, huh?”  
  
“This may be the best spaghetti alle vongole I’ve ever had.” I brought my hand to my mouth as I chewed, enraptured by the dish.  
  
“Clams are my favorite seafood,” he said as he picked up his dish again and placed it back in front of him.  
  
“Oh, I didn’t know that.” _Another tidbit to store away into my collection. Duly noted, Sho-san._  
  
He took a sip of his water to clear his palate. “So, I was thinking…”  
  
With those words, I suddenly remembered that he was about to say something before Mr. Kuroda had returned with our drinks. “Yes?”  
  
“After lunch, I want to take you for a drive.”  
  
I smiled back sincerely. “That sounds really nice.”  
  
“Good,” he nodded. “And then after the drive, I was hoping you could come over to my house and cook dinner.”  
  
I dropped my fork onto my plate and the clanking noise echoed throughout the restaurant. I bit my lips in embarrassment.  
  
But, he had more to say. Amused at my reaction, he licked his lips and cleared his throat. “And after dinner, I was hoping you’d stay over for the night.”  
  
I wasn’t even sure if I was breathing by this point. My hands moved inefficiently and meaninglessly, grabbing the napkin on my lap and wiping the top of the table even though there was nothing to clean.  
  
“I promise your coffee will taste better this time.” He took another bite of his pasta and scanned my expression. “I bought you some sugar cubes and creamer, remember?”  
  
To hear that those purchases were actually for me, to understand that he had gone through such trouble because he remembered how I liked my coffee, to infer that tonight could lead to such things… I took a sip of my wine in hopes of blaming my rosy cheeks on the alcohol.  
  
“Excuse me for interrupting your meal. I’m Ban, the Executive Chef.”  
  
A tall man stood beside our table with his hands behind his back. His long bangs were swept to the side, slightly messy, perhaps from hiding underneath a chef’s hat for some time. Prominent eyebrows rested above his sincere eyes, his eyelashes resembling angel wings as they fluttered with each blink. There were moles on and near his lips, adding a kind of allure to his otherwise proper look. What’s more, there was something eerily familiar about him.  
  
“Hi, Chef,” Sho-san nodded politely. “Everything is delicious.”  
  
Chef Ban bowed humbly. “It’s my pleasure to hear that.” Then, he turned to me and smiled a beautiful smile. “And you, Miss? Has everything been to your liking?”  
  
I couldn’t stop staring. He began chuckling and asked me if there was something on his face. When he brought his left hand to his nose, I noticed the freckle on his middle finger. Sometimes, it’s not the obvious signs that bring back memories.  
  
“B…Ban-chan?!” My eyes widened with surprise and satisfaction.  
  
_I knew it! I knew we had met before._  
  
“…Excuse me, have we met?” Chef Ban tilted his head and inquired politely.  
  
“It’s me, Nijishima! We sat next to each other in middle school.”  
  
I could see his expression change from confusion to realization. “Is that really you? Is it Nijishima Kokoro-chan?”  
  
“Yeah, it’s me!” I gave him a big smile.  
  
“I’ll be darned,” he shook his head. “Thanks for coming in.”  
  
“Oh, that’s all thanks to Sho-san.” I motioned my hand to the man sitting in front of me. He seemed amused by our conversation.  
  
“Well, thank you for choosing Trattoria Baccanale,” Ban-chan bowed.  
  
“Middle school classmates, huh?” Sho-san looked at me, then at Ban-chan. “What a reunion.”  
  
“Isn’t it?” I said, amazed. “I had no idea you became a chef!”  
  
“I went abroad for several years to learn the art of Italian cuisine.”  
  
“You’ve always been a driven guy,” I crossed my arms in awe at his accomplishment.  
  
“What about you? You look really happy.” Ban-chan glanced over at Sho-san, who was finishing his pasta.  
  
“I am.” I made it a point to look at Sho-san as I uttered those words. His gaze met mine and I could feel my cheeks start burning.  
  
“Looks like I’ve interrupted you two love birds for long enough,” Ban-chan chuckled.  
  
“That’s all right,” Sho-san assured. “You’re an exceptional cook, by the way.”  
  
“Thank you, sir,” Ban-chan kindly bowed his head. “It delights me to hear that.”  
  
“Yeah, the puttanesca had such a depth of flavors. I’m thinking the key to the dish are the olives. Am I right? And the spaghetti alle vongole is just to die for. Probably the best I’ve ever had. And to think you made all this!”  
  
Ban-chan laughed and looked at Sho-san. “She hasn’t changed a bit.”  
  
Sho-san smiled back at him. “I’m glad.”  
  
_There he goes again._ It’s these little things, the seemingly insignificant dialogue that tells me he sincerely cares. Even though he laughs at me and makes fun of my quirks, he can admit to a stranger that he finds them endearing. I felt ticklish all over as the warm and fuzzy feelings kicked in.  
  
Ban-chan took a moment to look at me. “…But her taste in clothes did. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look this girly, Nijishima.” He pushed his lips together and seemed deep in thought.  
  
“Oh, this…” I touched the hem of my dress. “Just… thought I’d try something different.”  
  
“I hope you didn’t take it to heart when we picked on you about being boyish.” Ban-chan scratched his temple with his fingers and looked full of regret.  
  
I smiled to reassure him. “Don’t look so concerned, Ban-chan. I’ve always known that the boys in class didn’t see me as a romantic interest.”  
  
“It’s not that,” he clarified. “It’s because we were all so comfortable around you.”  
  
“I know, I’m used to it.”  
  
“Back then, I thought there needed to be friction, as if attraction were measured by the amount of tension between two people. But that’s not true. Now that I’m over 30, I long to be with someone with whom I can be comfortable.” Ban-chan smiled nostalgically.  
  
I had to let those words settle for a moment. It felt as though those years of struggling to love myself were not all in vain. Though delivered decades later, his words helped heal those bruises.  
  
Sho-san cleared his throat to interrupt the conversation. “A lot of men realize that too late, don’t they?” He looked up at Ban-chan. Sho-san’s eyes seemed to see right through his thoughts.  
  
Ban-chan’s eyelashes fluttered as his expression clouded for a split second. But before I could make out what that could mean, he flashed a big smile. “She’s a keeper.”  
  
Sho-san didn’t say anything, but I could feel his eyes on me. His gaze felt so hot that I seriously believed they could bore a hole through me.  
  
“I should head back into the kitchen,” Ban-chan wrapped up the conversation. “But it was really good seeing you again, Nijishima. Take good care of her, Sho-san. And do visit Trattoria Baccanale again.” He gave one last bow, then left our table.  
  
I waved as he left smiling. When I looked over at Sho-san, he was already looking at me. Like magnets, he drew my eyes in to his.  
  
“You do know that ‘comfortable’ is a compliment, right?”  
  
“…Hm?” I felt exposed again. With him, it was only a matter of time before he read my mind.  
  
“It’s also not the opposite of ‘attraction’, either.”  
  
I managed a nod to acknowledge his statement, but my gaze had fallen to the empty dishes on the table.  
  
“And to prove it,” he continued, “Consider my clientele. No good woman frequents a host club.”  
  
I looked up at him again. His shiny, brown eyes brimmed with sincerity.  
  
“Comfort means home.”  
  
_Do I feel like home to you?_  
I was much too embarrassed to ask, but his smile seemed to answer my question.  
  
\--  
  
The line of people waiting for their seat at Trattoria Baccanale had grown even longer by the time we left. It was a leisurely lunch, and my watch read _1:00PM_. He had paid for our meal while I was in the bathroom fixing my makeup, and refused to have me pay him back. As he led the way, I noticed his broad shoulders walking ahead of me. Sometimes, I truly felt like he was too good to be true.  
  
Once we were back in his car, he paid for parking and we were on our way. I placed my hands on my knees and peeked over at the driver’s seat. His left hand was resting on the armrest. I could hold it if I wanted to, and I wanted to. But my fingers fidgeted uncourageously. So, instead, I looked out the passenger seat window at the passing scenery.  
  
“Be my guest.” I faced him again and saw that he had turned over his hand so that his palm was facing up now, his fingers slightly spread apart as if to invite mine to intertwine. When I didn’t respond right away, he wiggled them playfully. “Isn’t this what you wanted to do?”  
  
It was almost scary how he always knew what I wanted. Slowly, I met my hand with his. As our fingers weaved together, he gave a little squeeze and my toes curled with delight.  
  
\--  
  
“…ro-san?”  
  
“Nnngh…”  
  
“Kokoro-san?”  
  
I opened my eyes and realized the car had come to a stop. _Oh, no!_ “I’m so sorry! I can’t believe I fell asleep…” I sighed in disapproval.  
  
But, he seemed not to mind. “I’ll take that as a compliment toward my driving. Third stop, we’re here.”  
  
_But the point of going on a drive is to enjoy the conversations and physical closeness!_ I couldn’t believe my rudeness. “I wanted to spend that time with you,” I said regrettably.  
  
“You did,” he smiled. “But it was pretty tough trying not to move my hand. I didn’t want to wake you.”  
  
I looked down and noticed that his arm hadn’t moved at all, and that we were still holding hands. Suddenly, my palms started feeling sweaty. I retracted mine quickly and apologized.  
  
“Let’s go. I want to show you something.” He opened his door and stepped outside.  
  
Following suit, I exited the car and stretched, arms reaching upward toward the sky. One inhale gave me enough of a hint as to where we were.  
  
“This is my favorite place to visit when I have a bad day and want to clear my head,” he said as he opened the trunk of his car.  
  
The ocean wind swept through my hair and the smell of salt water hit my face. The early afternoon sun reflected brightly on the water and undulated with the rhythm of the waves. As I looked out into the distance, I heard him close the trunk. When I looked his way, I heard a _click_ and it took a moment before I could register what was happening.  
  
“I’d like to propose something.” He stood tall and faced me.  
  
“…Yes?” The sun was in my eyes and I couldn’t keep them open.  
  
“Let’s take some pictures here.” He raised the digital SLR up with his hand, then put the strap over his neck.  
  
“Okay,” I replied. He doesn’t need to ask me, I thought.  
  
“I want you to be my model.”  
  
My eyes grew wide as I stared at him, but it wasn’t long before my eyes started hurting from the brightness. “Wh…n-no, no…” I shook my head vigorously.  
  
“Why not?” There was a curiosity in his eyes.  
  
“B…ecause I’m no model.”  
  
“You are now.” _Click._ He took another photo of me and checked the data on the screen.  
  
“Stop it…” I moved toward him and tried to grab the camera in his hand. Instead, he ended up grabbing me with his free hand and drew me in closer. Instantly, the ball was in his court.  
  
“There’s a photo contest this winter,” he said as he gazed down at me. “I was thinking about entering.”  
  
“…There’s a what?”  
  
“A photo contest,” he repeated. “The theme this year is ‘Happiness.’”  
  
_Happiness._ That word buzzed in my ears. I hadn’t forgotten what he had told me that night when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I wanted so much for him to trust in himself, too, to believe with his heart that he was capable of making others happy.  
  
“Why me?” I asked.  
  
He caught the stray strands of hair in my face and tucked them neatly behind my ear. His beautiful eyes looked at me endearingly.  
  
“Because you actually make me believe in such a thing.”  
  
Just like that. He could pull sweet nothings out of thin air. My heart thumped and my feelings for him grew. How could I say ‘no’ to him after that?  
  
“If I win the grand prize…” He looked out into the ocean, though it didn’t seem like he was particularly taking in the scenery. There was a focus in his gaze and he didn’t blink for a while.  
  
“…Yes?” I asked gently.  
  
“…I’m going to quit my job at Akatsuki.”  
  
I thought my heart had stopped beating. Standing in front of me was a Sho-san I didn't really know. I fell into a state of shock.  
  
"It's been my childhood dream." He picked up the camera hanging around his neck with his hand and glanced over at me. "To be a photographer."  
  
He turned his head back toward the ocean. I could hear the crashing of the waves like white noise in my ears. Somewhere in the back of my head, I could vaguely recall the conversation I had with Maki about his photography, but my mind couldn't process it at the moment.  
  
"When I saw you that night by the water, I told you I took photos as a hobby. Which is true. I don't make a living off my photography."  
  
I remained silent. His every word was weighty and focused.  
  
"But I enjoy photography more than I do entertaining women for money." He paused for a moment. "I feel free when I see the world through these lenses."  
  
Those beautiful eyes glimmered hopefully as the words left his mouth. He clenched his jaw just for a moment as I watched his Adam's apple move up and down. In that moment, I saw a mixture of determination and uncertainty, confidence and doubt.  
  
"This is a big deal." My voice was raspy.  
  
"Could be."  
  
It was clear to me that his decision had not been made on a whim; he must have had this conversation with himself for years.  
  
"Well, I don’t trust my modeling abilities, but I trust you."  
  
He finally turned around and faced me. As if my words had fueled his strength, his clouded expression seemed to brighten up a little. There was even a smile forming at the corners of his mouth. He inched closer toward me and leaned in to plant a soft kiss on my forehead. My bangs got in the way and tickled my skin.  
  
"Let's start over there," he pointed toward the beach.  
  
I followed him down the parking lot until we came to a short stairway leading down to the shore. It would be too hard to walk in the sand with heels on, I thought. Just as I was about to take them off, my heel got caught in the crevice of the concrete stairs and I heard a loud snap. I had just enough time to realize what had happened before I felt my center of balance tip forward.  
  
"...!"  
  
Expecting sand in my face, I was thoroughly surprised to land on something a lot sturdier and upright. I felt an arm wrap around my waist and keep me from falling, and my nose got a whiff of his sweet cologne. When I grabbed his shirt, I pulled it down with me. My eyes were now staring at exposed collarbones.  
  
"Are you okay?" he said immediately.  
  
I nodded, but I knew my heels weren't. I looked down at my shoes in the sand. One leg was clearly shorter than the other. I could have gotten upset at myself for being clumsy and ruining a brand new pair of shoes. In fact, that would have been my first inclination. When it dawned on me that I wasn't beating myself over it, I realized how much he had changed me.  
  
"I wasn't going to need them in the sand, anyway!" I giggled at myself and picked up my heels, one dangling and useless. Then, I ran off toward the shore where the sand was damp from the receding waves.  
  
My toes felt the cool water and I let out a small sound of surprise. It wasn't as cold as I thought it'd be, though, and I felt brave enough to walk into the waves. My calves were now wet, too.  
  
"Come on, it's really n..."  
  
I turned to invite him over, but he was watching me through his camera lens. How long had he been taking photos of me? I started feeling a little self-conscious and my movements and expression became rigid and contrived.  
  
He started walking over to where I was standing, then stopped just behind the line where the sand turned a darker hue. "Don't think about the camera. Pretend it's just you and me."  
  
It was clear he had noticed my unnatural expressions and movements, and was trying to reassure me. But that was easier said than done. I'm no professional model, let’s remember that.  
  
"That's a tough order..." I replied nervously.  
  
He smiled and took off his shoes. Then, he neatly rolled his socks into them and combed back his hair. It was the first time I noticed his feet. His toenails were also neatly groomed, toes nicely shaped, with a little tuft of hair growing on his big toes. Sometimes, you find masculinity in the strangest of places, and this was one of them.  
  
"All right. Want to play a game instead?" He walked over and left footprints in the wet sand.  
  
I tilted my head curiously. "A game?"  
  
"Mm-hmm. Let's see who can find the biggest seashell."  
  
My eyes glimmered with excitement. I was pretty good at this sort of thing. "That sounds fun!"  
  
"Let's come up with incentives. If you win, what would you like?"  
  
"Oh..." I put my forefinger to my lips to think.  
  
"A kiss?" Sho-san teased.  
  
Only then did I realize how he could have misinterpreted my gesture. "N-No, no!" I shook my head side to side and quickly retracted my hand.  
  
"You don’t want one?" His deep voice drew closer and I could feel his eyes on my lips.  
  
"Th...at's not what I said..." I gulped.  
  
"Then, a kiss it is," he said, satisfied. "And if I win..."  
  
He traced my lips with his middle finger and observed my reaction. An audible exhale left my mouth and I felt my cheeks burning. He seemed to enjoy what he saw, because there was a smirk on his face.  
  
"I want you to make omurice for me tonight." He slowly retracted his fingers from my lips.  
  
_Wait.  
What just happened?_  
  
I felt like he had me dancing on the palm of his hand. My lips were tingling from his touch and I was embarrassed for even thinking that maybe he was going to kiss me just then.  
  
He looked at me, amused. "You didn't expect a kiss, did you?"  
  
"Wh...n-no!" I crossed my arms defiantly, but my shifty eyes gave me away.  
  
"You have to work for that," he reminded. "You ready?"  
  
\--  
  
I searched around for seashells and lost track of time. When Sho-san called to me, the sun was already halfway down the horizon.  
  
“Did you find one?”  
  
“I think so!” I shouted as I made my way toward him in the sand.  
  
“On the count of three, let’s show each other what we’ve found.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“One, two, three!” At his cue, I uncurled my fingers to reveal a conch shell with gradients of purple. It was about an inch long with no sign of chipping. I thought I had done a pretty good job, considering the selection was slim.  
  
“Impressive,” Sho-san nodded. Yet, the left corner of his mouth was curling and seemed to foreshadow the outcome of this match. He reached into his pocket and took out a flat seashell, at least three times bigger than the one I held in my hand.  
  
“Wait, where did you find such a big one?” I searched the ground left and right in disbelief.  
  
“On the same beach you found yours,” he stifled laughter.  
  
I sighed. “Fine, you won fair and square. I owe you an omurice dinner.”  
  
He looked at me playfully, then, without warning, he froze me with his intense gaze. His fingers grazed over his lips, then reached for mine once more. It tickled and sent shivers down my spine. He leaned in and I closed my eyes… but what I expected did not come. When I opened my eyes, his nose was millimeters away from mine.  
  
“What, did you think you were going to get a kiss?” He bit his lower lip.  
  
“…W…What?” My heart raced. _I can’t believe I fell for it again._  
  
“It wouldn’t be fair to give the loser her prize.”  
  
I puffed out my cheeks. _You little..._ “Don’t tease me!”  
  
He burst into laughter, wrinkles on his nose and all. _Yeah, laugh at my misery, why don’t you._ I crossed my arms defiantly.  
  
“Here.”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
He grabbed my hand and placed his seashell there. It hit the one I had found and made a clinking noise.  
  
“You can have that.” Then, smiling like a little kid, he ruffled the hair at the top of my head and turned toward the car. “Let’s get going.”  
  
_There you go again._ Any trace of defeat left me as I looked at the shells in my hand. That’s all it took. In the end, the outcome of the match didn’t matter all that much. He made me feel like I had won, anyway.  
  
“W-Wait!” Suddenly, I remembered something important.  
  
“Hm?” He turned around, hands in his pockets.  
  
“What about the photos? I completely forgot about them…”  
  
“Don’t worry, I didn’t,” he smiled.  
  
“S-So, wait… you were taking photos this whole time?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“But you said we were going to play a game.”  
  
“Yeah, so you wouldn’t notice the camera.” He grinned, satisfied that his plan had worked. Then, he turned back around and headed for the parking lot. Clearly, there was no winning with him. He was always a step ahead of me, but I no longer minded following behind him.  
  
I only realized how cool it had gotten once we were back inside his car. I carefully placed the seashells into the makeup pouch in my purse, then slid my hands underneath my thighs to warm up my fingers. Seeing this, he exited the car once again, opened the trunk, and pulled out something familiar.  
  
“Use this,” he said as he placed the blanket on my lap. It was the floral blanket I once saw when I first rode in his car. The cashmere was incredibly soft to the touch, and for a moment, I thought my hand would melt away in its welcoming warmth.  
  
“Thanks…”  
  
“Better?” He inserted the key into the ignition.  
  
“Mm-hmm.” I fidgeted my fingers. _Should I ask him about this blanket?_  
  
“Don’t worry, it’s not mine.” As if he had read my mind, he pointed to the fabric on my lap and chuckled.  
  
“Huh? O-Oh.” I tried playing it cool but failed miserably.  
  
“It belongs to another woman, though.” He scratched his nose, then turned the key to start the car. The engine buzzed to fill the silence.  
  
_Did it belong to one of his clients? Or worse, was it an ex-girlfriend’s?_ My fingers clenched the blanket. I didn’t have the courage to ask him.  
  
He watched me carefully as I digested his words. Then, as if to soothe my fears, he answered my question without me ever having to ask. “It’s my mom’s.”  
  
My head snapped up to look at him. “What?”  
  
“Give me a little more credit. I’m not _that_ inconsiderate.” His lips stuck out ever so slightly as if he were pouting.  
  
My fingers slowly released their tension. How stupid of me to expect the worst. He’s a #1 host, after all, and way too classy to create for himself such an awkward situation.  
  
During the car ride back, he proposed that we stop by the grocery store.  
  
“I don’t have much in my fridge,” he explained.  
  
“Sure, I don’t mind.”  
  
“What goes into making omurice, anyway? Eggs, right?” He freed one of his hands from the wheel and scratched his left temple with his fingers. Perfect looks, impeccable manners, and the flawless heart of a true gentleman. And yet, when it came to things in the kitchen, he was almost clueless. I couldn’t help it. I brought a hand up to my mouth to hide the smile surfacing there. Cooking was the one thing I knew I could do for him.  
  
\--  
  
“Could you lock that behind you?”  
  
After stopping by the store for groceries, he parked his car in the garage and carried everything in, including my duffel bag. I followed behind him, carrying only my purse. When I asked him if I could help, he handed me his keys instead. It was a simple bundle, one key holder keeping 4-5 keys together. Just like the minimalistic style of his house, his keys, too, were absent of vibrant colors or unnecessary clutter. When I opened the door, a familiar scent greeted my nose. It smelled faintly of coffee and cologne, but other than that, not many other signs of life. He must only come home to shower and sleep, I thought.  
  
“Fourth and last stop,” he called out to me.  
  
Feeling my heart jump a little, I placed his keys on the shoebox and locked the door as told. By this time, Sho-san had already taken off his shoes and was placing the groceries in the kitchen. I turned his shoes so that the toes faced the door, then joined him.  
  
“I’ll take this into the bedroom.” He picked up my duffel bag from the floor and pointed down the hallway.  
  
“O-Okay,” I replied. It was really happening. The word ‘bedroom’ buzzed in my ears.  
  
I busied myself by emptying the contents of the grocery bags. Per his request, we were going to have ketchup-based omurice today. I thought it would be best to have some side dishes as well, so I also bought some vegetables for minestrone soup, and some things for tofu salad. He said he had some rice left in the rice cooker, I remembered. I opened the lid and sure enough, there was plenty in there, almost as if he had cooked it, then forgotten about it.  
  
“Can I help?” He made his way back into the kitchen, then pulled his sleeves up to his elbows before washing his hands. My eyes took notice of the veins popping out in his forearms and the muscle striations leading into his wrist, the neatly-groomed fingernails and thickness of his palms.  
  
“Kokoro-san?” His hands reached for the towel hanging above the sink.  
  
“Wh—huh?” I stared back, wide-eyed.  
  
He laughed through his nose and with his now dry forefinger, poked my left cheek. “I don’t even need to try to tease you.”  
  
The tiny space where his finger had been contained heat, as if he had burned me there. As I stood there trying to calm my rushing heartbeat, he picked up the tofu package and reached for the knife.  
  
“I-It’s okay! I’ll do it.” I grabbed the tofu from his hand and guarded it in my arms. “I lost, remember?”  
  
He nodded. “I almost forgot.”  
  
“Want a beer while you wait? I can ready an appetizer really quick.”  
  
“That’s not a bad idea,” he said as he opened the fridge and reached for a can of Kirin beer. “Hey.”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“This is nice.”  
  
“What is?” I tilted my head.  
  
“I can’t remember the last time I ate dinner here.”  
  
Even though the newness of his place had clued me in, it still hurt to hear he hardly spent time in his own house. It made me want to make this space more welcoming and relaxing, to transform it into a place he could truly call home.  
  
“Maybe I should lose more games.”  
  
“Hm?” He closed the refrigerator door and grabbed a glass from one of the cupboards.  
  
“If I lose, then I’ll owe you more cooked meals, right?”  
  
A gentle smile crossed his face as he drew nearer. Then, I felt his soft lips land on mine for a brief moment. As he retracted his head, his lips parted and from that small opening, he let out a small sigh.  
  
“Looks like the loser got what she wanted, too.”  
  
My eyelashes fluttered as I gazed up at his warm eyes. He lingered there for a few seconds before turning to leave the kitchen. The layout of his place was quite suited for entertaining, with the kitchen bar counter overlooking the dining space and living room. The view from where I was standing looked like one a wife may encounter: while she cooked, her husband waited in the other room, busying himself with work or leisurely activities. Before he took a seat at the table, he grabbed his laptop from the TV area. He gave me a brief smile before sitting down and opening his beer.  
  
\--  
  
“Dinner’s ready,” I called out as I checked the flavor of the soup. I expected to hear some kind of response from the other room. Instead, I heard the sound of a camera shutter.  
  
“Wha…?” I turned around to find him looking at me through his camera lens. After checking the shot on the monitor, he made his way to the kitchen.  
  
“Smells really good in here.” He leaned his nose toward the stove.  
  
“Did you just take a picture of me?” I pointed shyly at the camera.  
  
He nodded as if it were no big deal. “Yeah.”  
  
Why? The question was just about to roll off my tongue when he noticed the two omurice plates on the counter.  
  
“I didn’t know you were going to do that,” he grinned.  
  
My cheeks burned bright red. He said he wanted omurice. Growing up, the only way my mom made omurice was by writing my name on top of the fluffy egg with ketchup. So, I did the same. Mine read, “Kokoro.” His read, “Sho-san.” And, because I felt like it, I added a tiny heart in front of his name.  
  
“Hm…” He grabbed the ketchup bottle and began adding some more on the plate. His back was turned against me so I couldn’t really tell what he was doing.  
  
“Oh, no!” he said under his breath.  
  
“What?” I rushed to his side. _Were the sausages undercooked? Was the egg overcooked?_  
  
“Sorry.” It was neither. When I looked down, I saw that the ‘o’s in my name had become smudged and I could barely make out what was written there. I leaned in to get a closer look. _Wait, are those…_  
  
“Smiley faces…?”  
  
“Let’s eat.” Refusing to answer my question, he took both plates in his hands and walked out of the kitchen. I bit my lip to fight it but as soon as a tiny chuckle escaped my mouth, the battle was lost. I couldn’t stop giggling.  
  
_Sho-san.  
I just learned another thing about you.  
I love this side of you. Do you know that?_  
  
He didn’t look my way, but I could tell by his pouty lips that he had heard me.  
  
\--  
  
I think it’s safe to say that he enjoyed the victory dinner. He chowed down on the omurice by the spoonful, filling his cheeks as if he were saving up for the winter. Whenever he left some ketchup on his lips, he’d clean it off with his thumb and lick it off. He went for seconds on the minestrone, and left no trace of the tofu salad. Seeing him eat was the biggest compliment I could have received for my cooking.  
  
After the meal, I suggested that he take a bath first while I cleaned up. As I placed the clean dishes on the drying rack, I grinned to myself like an idiot. _I’m such a wife right now._ In a good mood, I began humming a song. Even a simple household chore like washing the dishes has significant meaning if it’s with the right person, I thought.  
  
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone—”  
  
“Aaaahhh!!”  
  
“…have so much fun cleaning,” he finished.  
  
His sudden reappearance surprised me and I nearly dropped a dish. A whiff of his shampoo and I thought I may drop it for real this time.  
  
“You scared me…”  
  
He laughed through his nose and reached for a cup of water. A loose v-neck t-shirt and gray sweatpants. Simple, and yet, the way the fabric accentuated his broad shoulders, strong torso, and masculine curves of his hips… it would take an army to stop me from staring at his delicious body.  
  
“That’s not the look of a frightened person.” His fingers reached for my face as they brushed against my cheek. Like a paintbrush, he left a shade of red there. “Your turn,” he pointed to the bathroom.  
  
I rushed out the kitchen, flustered and wanting to leave the situation. As I made my way down the hallway, I heard him call my name.  
  
“Don’t forget this.” In his hand was the paper bag from the shop we had visited this morning.  
  
“Thanks…” I took it without looking at him.  
  
“You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to.” He gave me a knowing smile, and with that, returned toward the living room and turned on the TV to watch the news.  
  
I closed the door to the bathroom. _You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to?! You pervert!_ I stared at my reflection and noticed how red my cheeks had gotten.  
  
“Of course I’m going to wear it,” I said under my breath as I pulled out the contents from the bag. “Did you really think I’d walk out of here naked...”  
  
My train of thought veered off track and my body froze in place. Underneath the loungewear he had bought me was something I had seen before but had no recollection of purchasing. I stared wide-eyed at the flimsy, lace fabric lying limply at the bottom of the bag. With trembling fingers, I scooped it up. I felt the blood leave my face as I realized what I was holding in my hand.


	13. A Small Victory

Hanging from my fingers was the white lace baby doll I had seen on the mannequin at the lingerie store. Without the support, though, the fabric hung loosely and held neither contour nor shape. With great hesitation, I took my other hand and held the other shoulder strap. I stretched out my arms in front of me as far as I could to take a good look. I felt like fainting.  
  
“Are you kidding me…” I whispered to myself.  
  
The fabric felt even flimsier in my grip, and the lace was so dainty, it might as well have not been there at all—it wasn’t serving any practical purpose! I placed my palms behind the fabric where the chest was supposed to go and choked on my own breath. The material was super soft but also extremely thin, and I could make out the shapes of my fingers from the other side. At the waist was a dainty ribbon tied into a bow, and even came with a heart charm adorned in the middle. The rest of the baby doll was almost see-through, save for matching tanga underwear. From the looks of it, the hem was quite short, perhaps only long enough to cover half of my thighs.  
  
_This is bad. This is really, really bad._  
  
I bit my lower lip and closed my eyes shut. I was in big trouble. Should I go out there and confront him about this? I thought over my options and decided it was the proper thing to do.  
  
“…Sho-san…” I called out timidly with a voice almost inaudible.  
  
“Hm?” He didn’t even look away from the TV screen. I narrowed my eyes in disapproval at his confidence. It was clear he knew I'd return.  
  
“Why was this in the bag with my loungewear?” I stuck out my hand as the baby doll hung from my fingers.  
  
As if he had known I’d come back out to question him, he combed his hair back and turned his head. “I told you, you don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to.”  
  
I pursed my lips. “D-Did you actually expect me to wear this?!” My breathing became shallower and shallower.  
  
“Kokoro-san,” he said, unfazed.  
  
“What?!” I, on the other hand, was fuming. And embarrassed. And frightened.  
  
He stood up and walked over to meet me. Without hesitation, he took the baby doll from my hands and examined it. He fidgeted with the lace straps and turned his eyes back on me. “Do you not like it?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“This.” His fingers seemed to study the fabric, pinching the hem and testing its durability. “Do you not like it?”  
  
I didn’t know how to respond. What did he expect me to say? And what kind of question is that?! “Um…”  
  
“Bummer.” He held the lingerie in front of my body. “I thought you’d look really good in it.”  
  
I felt my ears turning red from embarrassment. “You i-imagined me in it?!” I covered my face with both hands, hoping I could hide from this situation.  
  
“Why else would I buy it for you?” His voice had deepened, each word weighty and deliberate. The nape of my neck tickled hearing his question.  
  
“W-Wha…” My eyes widened as I looked up at him again. “You pervert!” I slapped his arm with my hand.  
  
He nodded with an unsurprised look on his face. “What’s wrong with that?”  
  
_That was an insult, you know._  
  
“Excuse me?!” I crossed my arms to cover my chest, even though I was still fully clothed. “You know I don’t wear things like this…”  
  
“Hey.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Do you still trust me?” He hung the baby doll over his forearm and waited for my reply.  
  
“…Yes, why?” I responded skeptically.  
  
“Then, trust my tastes.”  
  
I puffed out my cheeks for a moment in resistance, but his words were persuasive, his eyes sincere.  
  
“Here. He carefully returned the baby doll into my hands. “I’ll tell you again: you don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to. That’s your choice.”  
  
My fingers curled around the fabric. _What’s going on?_ My resolute heart began to sway.  
  
“But…” His fingers traced my jawline and perched at my chin. “Do I want you to wear it?” He tilted my head up to make sure I was looking back at him. “Yes.”  
  
My lips parted as I gasped for air.  
  
“Did I purchase it because I imagined my girlfriend coming out of the shower wearing this?” He leaned in and placed his lips right to my ear. “Yes,” he whispered.  
  
Something like electricity shot through my body and made even my toes tingle. I clenched onto the baby doll, trying to remain calm. He retracted his hand and, after offering an encouraging smile, returned to his seat in front of the TV.  
  
As I mindlessly made my way back to the bathroom and closed the door, I realized that the conversation I just had with him out in the living room was not what I had hoped or expected. _I had points to make, didn’t I?_ But now, I couldn’t remember them. Anger and frustration had turned into a desire to please him, to overcome my fears. _Have I fallen for him this hard?_ I placed the baby doll aside and hoped that time alone would help me muster up enough courage to wear it.  
  
In his spacious bathtub, I recalled the events from today's date with Sho-san. He was so unpredictable. From the lingerie store to his confession at the beach, I felt as though there were still so many things about him that I didn't know. If he doesn't like being a nightclub host so much, why did he choose that path? If he knew I was uncomfortable wearing girly clothes, why did he choose to give me one of the girlish items a woman could own? Again, so many questions with no answers. I immersed myself in the hot water until my chin hit the surface, and let out a big sigh that seemed to echo off the walls.  
  
After drying myself off with a towel, I glanced over at the lace fabric on top of the bathroom shelf. "You don't have to wear it if you don't want to." I heard his voice in my head. I picked it up again with my hands and looked into the mirror. Bad idea! I threw the lingerie to the side and covered my face with my hands. At this rate, I wasn't going to make it out of this room. I grabbed the loungewear inside the bag and took it out. Seeing it gave me a sense of assurance. _Come on, Kokoro. You don't have to force yourself. There is another way out._ After brushing my teeth, blow-drying and fixing my semi-wet hair into a bun, I slowly opened the door to face the music.  
  
He was no longer in the living room watching TV. Instead, he was at the kitchen table reading the afternoon paper and sipping on green tea. When he looked up, our eyes met and he gave me a gentle smile.  
  
"That’s really cute on you."  
  
"Thanks..." I touched the cotton fabric with my hands. I knew this wasn't what he hoped for, but I didn't have enough courage to step out of that room wearing next-to-nothing lingerie.  
  
"Want any tea?" He pointed to a teapot on the table.  
  
"Yes, please."  
  
As he poured me a cup, I sat down restlessly beside him. Considering what he told me before my bath, he didn't seem at all upset or disappointed about the choice I had made. The human mind is a terrible thing sometimes. When you expect something to happen, there's an unwarranted desire there that, if not satiated in the way you hoped, it tries to somehow make that outcome happen, anyway. Did he not care that I didn't wear what he wanted? Was he just playing with me? They were unjustified thoughts, of course. He had every right to be upset, but wasn't. On the other hand, I found myself disappointed in his reaction instead.  
  
"Here you go." He placed the cup in front of me and returned to reading the newspaper.  
  
_What? That's it?_  
"Th...anks..." I bit my lower lip, unsatisfied at his curt response, and grabbed the tea with both hands.  
  
"When do you have to head to work tomorrow?" he asked without looking away from his paper.  
  
"9:00AM. Why?"  
  
He glanced over at the clock on the wall and put his paper down. "We should get to bed soon, then."  
  
The time read 12:30AM. I didn't realize I had been in the bathroom for so long. The internal fight over whether or not I should wear that flimsy thing? I realized it was meaningless in light of him. All that refusing I did earlier? I was second-guessing myself. Should I have walked out with it? Does this mean he's just going to sleep? Did this choice remove all chances of a passionate night with him?  
  
"Hey..."  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"...Never mind." There was no way I’d be able able to ask.  
  
He finished his tea and got up from his chair. "What is it?" he chuckled.  
  
"N-Nothing." I followed suit and stood up.  
  
"Let's get some rest." He made his way down the hallway and into his bedroom.  
  
"W-Wait...!" I rushed behind him and grabbed the hem of his t-shirt.  
  
"What is it?" he asked me again.  
  
My fingers gripped on tightly but no words followed. As if he were waiting for it, he turned around and held the hand that had grabbed him. I slowly let go of his shirt.  
  
"Is there something you want to say?" His fingers slowly moved upward and stroked my arm. "Or do?" he smiled knowingly.  
  
"...Wha...!" I took a step back. I felt like I had set myself up for this one.  
  
"You have to verbalize it,” he urged. “How would I know otherwise?" He took a step forward to close the gap between us.  
  
"Heh..." I kept taking steps back, he kept taking steps forward… until I felt my back hit a cold surface. I was cornered against a wall, and his eyes didn't look away from his target.  
  
"So... tell me." His fingers moved to my neck. "What do you want?"  
  
I took a deep breath and met his gaze. Although a bit scared, I brought my hand to his chest and let my fingers cascade down toward his stomach.  
  
"Hm..." He moved in until his face was millimeters away from mine. "Is this what you want?" I felt his meaty lips for a moment, and I wanted more.  
  
I moved my head up and down.  
  
His lips moved down to my neck. "Or this?"  
  
I gasped for air and trembled at his touch.  
  
"Or this?" His skilled hands found the hem of my shirt and snuck inside. My heart was pounding against my chest...not because I knew where this was going, but because his hands stopped moving.  
  
"...Wait," he looked at me startled as he retracted his fingers slightly.  
  
I cleared my throat and looked away. "I know I didn't have to if I didn't want to." Slowly, I removed my shirt and lounge pants to reveal the white baby doll he had gotten for me. “But I wanted to.”  
  
"What...?" For once, he looked surprised. For once, I felt like I had the upper hand. Now only wearing a thin piece of cloth, my exposed skin cooled off in the chilly room. As suspected, the lace hem only made it halfway down my thighs, the dainty shoulder straps barely did their job, and overall, I felt extremely exposed even though it did manage to cover the important parts, so to speak.  
  
He stood there for what felt like a long time, covering his mouth with the back of his hand, his other hand on his hips. All I could hear was the nervous beating of my heart.  
  
"U-Uh..." I tried to drown out the silence somehow.  
  
"Kokoro-san."  
  
"Yes...?"  
  
He finally reached out again, resting his hands at the small of my back. Then, he leaned down to leave a kiss on my cheek.  
  
“For me?”  
  
“Who else?” I blushed and pulled down the hems.  
  
He let out a sigh. “Courage looks sexy on you.” With a single sentence, he not only complimented my physical appearance but also my emotional efforts. With a single sentence, he made the struggle worth it. With a single sentence, he managed to get me thinking about getting more of these to please him. There was no underestimating his charm.  
  
"Are you cold?" he said as he drew me nearer.  
  
"...I'm okay," I lied.  
  
But I knew he could see right through me. Next thing I knew, his arms pulled me in and his warm body pressed up against mine. After breaking the hug, he pulled me over to the bed where he removed the comforter and gently pushed me down onto the sheets. My chest moved up and down in hopes to calm my nerves.  
  
Alas, that was a lost battle. When I looked up, he was leaning over me, his arms holding him up. I could tell that there was a different look in his eyes. Without saying a word, he sat up to straddle me. He reached for the hem of his shirt with his hands, then pulled it over his head to reveal his muscular torso. I heard the sound of fabric fall to the floor.  
  
"Sho-san..."  
  
"Just follow my lead."  
  
He got back down on all fours and leaned down to kiss me. First, it was gentle, but with each successive kiss, his lips hungered for more and I was struggling to catch my breath. I tried not to, but when I felt his tongue slither in, I let out a breathy moan. He responded by kissing me even more passionately.  
  
"Nngh..."  
  
His lips began to make their journey downward, lingering first at my neck, then my collarbones, then my breasts. He stopped for a moment, his hot breath searing my bare skin. Then, slowly and gently, his fingers pulled the flimsy fabric aside to expose one of the very few parts of my body that the baby doll had been covering.  
  
"W-Wait...!" I brought my arms in front of me to cover myself.  
  
But he shook his head and easily pinned my arms onto the bed with his hands. Nowhere to hide, I looked away, embarrassed.  
  
He grazed his lips teasingly, caressing my curves but avoiding the tip. I couldn’t help but move my legs in frustration. I pursed my lips in a feeble attempt to keep myvoice from giving me away.  
  
“Sometimes, the body is more honest than the mind,” he said as he let one arm go. With that free hand, he traced down my body until his fingers had reached the hem of the baby doll. Effortlessly, he snuck his hand up and found the damp area between my thighs. I clamped my legs shut but it was too late.  
  
“See?” he teased with his fingers over the fabric. I clenched my jaw to keep from moaning, but that was when he decided to use his tongue to stimulate what his lips had purposefully avoided. It was a steady, flicking motion, and I could no longer hold it in. With a squeal, my body twitched in delight.  
  
“S…ho-sa…aah!” I grabbed the sheets with my free hand.  
  
“I like hearing your voice,” he encouraged.  
  
Without a moment’s notice, the hand between my legs moved skillfully and found its way underneath my underwear. I resisted for a second, but he stopped moving his tongue and shook his head again.  
  
“Playing hard to get, I see.” He seemed to enjoy the challenge, but I didn’t put up much of a fight. Once his fingers grazed along the space between my legs, I felt so dizzy I lost all control of my body. As I felt one of his fingers slide inside without any resistance, I let out a squeal and furrowed my eyebrows. Without my mind’s consent, my body clung on, squeezing his finger with delight.  
  
He smiled.  
I looked away, embarrassed.  
  
“Look at me,” he said in his low voice.  
  
When I didn’t, he stopped moving his finger. This wasn’t fair.  
  
“…Who’s the one playing hard to get?” I whispered.  
  
“You’re just making it hard on yourself,” he replied.  
  
I let out a sigh, closed my eyes to focus, and turned back to face him. When I opened my eyes, he was still smiling. Slowly, I released the tension in my legs to let him do with me what he wanted.  
  
“Good girl.” He moved his finger skillfully and rubbed the sensitive spot inside me. My legs twitched involuntarily.  
  
“Mm…aaah…”  
  
He continued the movement but kept his eyes on me. I could feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment but my body couldn’t deny pleasure. It didn’t take long before I felt like I was reaching the edge. My back began to arch and my eyes begged him for more.  
  
But instead, I felt his finger slither out and he left me with a burning sensation there. I looked at him with pleading eyes, wondering why he stopped. From here, the next sequence of events left me wanting him even more.  
  
He got off the bed and stood up. My eyes got a glimpse of the growing bulge between his legs and I instinctively looked away. From my peripheral vision, I could see that he had proceeded to remove his sweatpants and boxers. Now completely naked, he returned to bed and sat up on his knees, looking down at me from between my legs. After easily removing my panties, he began stroking to better prepare himself.  
  
“…Sho-san?”  
  
As if he had sensed my concern, he caressed my thighs and replied, “I’ll be gentle.”  
  
He reached for the drawer of his bedside table. I heard the rustling sound of a plastic wrapper and knew immediately what it was. He held the wrapper between his teeth and ripped it open. I saw his eyebrows furrow a little bit when his fingers secured the rubber in place.  
  
He took his hands and spread my legs open, but I flinched again, embarrassed at how exposed I felt.  
  
He leaned over and caressed my cheek with his hand. "You can't expect me to stop now,” he demanded.  
  
Then, he got back on his knees, grabbed my legs, and slowly pushed himself inside.  
  
“Kyaaa!!” I couldn’t help it. It felt like he was stretching me wide open.  
  
He let out a sigh of pleasure. “Are you okay?” His eyes seemed to be hiding something.  
  
I nodded. “Are you?”  
  
He licked his lips. “Not really.”  
  
“…What?”  
  
“You have no idea how much self-restraint I’m practicing right now.”  
  
“What… do you mean?”  
  
“I said I’d be gentle, but…” He slid out from me and teased at the entrance. “I can’t promise anything.”  
  
Before I could respond, he thrusted back inside me and let out a stifled groan. Like a reflex, all the muscles in my body clenched up.  
  
I could see he was furrowing his eyebrows again. “Don’t squeeze so tightly…”  
  
“…S…Sorry.”  
  
“I won’t be able to control myself.” And with that, he began moving in rhythm. His grip on my thighs became tighter and I couldn’t help but let out moan after moan.  
  
“Aaah! Mm…!”  
  
“Ko…ko…ro-san,” he said between pants.  
  
I could be wrong, but never before had my name sounded this precious. I looked up at him and reached for his hands. He grabbed mine and pulled me up. Suddenly, I felt my center of gravity shifting, and before I knew it, we had switched places. He was looking up at me with lustful eyes, taking in the view. One of the straps on the baby doll had slid off my shoulder and the thin fabric wasn’t doing much at all anymore.  
  
I caressed his chest as it moved up and down. His hands were on my hips holding me in place. It seemed like something was on his mind.  
  
“Sho-san…?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
I tucked my hair behind my ear. “Are you okay?”  
  
His hand moved at my hips and slid underneath the hem of the baby doll to the small of my back. His other hand moved up toward my chest and with his fingers, he outlined the edge of the fabric, tickling my cleavage.  
  
“I bought this for you because…” He fixed the strap that had fallen from my shoulder. “I knew that if you did decide to wear it, I’d be the only one who’d get to see.”  
  
His possessive words rang like music to my ears. “Don’t worry, I’m for your eyes only,” I smiled softly.  
  
Then, without warning, he moved his hips upward and I felt him bury himself deep inside. I gasped and fell forward, my arms barely holding me up. But, he didn’t let me stay there.  
  
“Let me see you.” Gently, he helped me back up. His muscular arms held me in place and I could see the muscle striations in his shoulders with each thrust. His golden hair was messy, his lips glossy, his jaw clenched. He smiled playfully for a brief moment before he began to rock me slowly, showing me what he wanted.  
  
“Mmm…” I bit my lower lip and moved in the way he had instructed. Being on top was exhilarating; somehow, it gave me a sense of control. I moved my hips forward and back, then placed my hands on his torso and moved up and down. The sound of moisture sliding between us grew louder and louder, and so did my moans. He seemed to be concentrating in the moment, but I could tell his breathing was becoming more rapid.  
  
“A…Ahhh…”  
  
“Ung…” He clenched his jaw to focus. I could tell he was letting me take the lead.  
  
“Don’t… hold back…” I managed to say between breaths.  
  
He made a breathy grunting noise and opened his mouth. “You’re… in trouble now.” He thrusted deeply from under me, and continued to move in rhythm. What I had thought was a sturdy bed was now creaking underneath us. I could feel his grip on my hips getting stronger, so I moved along at his pace. Pleasure shot through my body like electricity as I arched my back in anticipation for what was coming.  
  
“Aaah…!” I quivered on top of him, my body enraptured by the sensations. He slowed down so I could catch my breath.  
  
“You ready?” I heard him say, but there was no time to respond. His hips began thrusting faster and harder, making my body bounce on top of him. He kept one hand at my hips but moved his other one to my breasts, and held on tightly. I could see his eyes glazing over, giving in to ecstasy. Several quick thrusts later, he closed his eyes, furrowed his eyebrows, and hit a deep part of me.  
  
“Nnngh!” he grunted.  
  
I screamed again, that electric feeling debilitating my entire body once more. After several seconds of gasping and moaning, I fell on top of his body, unable to think or say anything. I could hear his heart racing in his chest, and my body rose up and down with his every breath. He remained there, his hand still at my hips, the other flopped onto the bed. I closed my eyes and reveled in the moment.  
  
Soon, his hand slipped up to my upper back and the one on the bed made its way to the back of my head. His fingers slowly combed through my hair and held me tightly. Then, he carefully slid out of me and turned me onto my side as I hit the bed. Now lying beside each other, he gave me a gentle kiss on the forehead, his hand supporting me.  
  
“Are you okay?” His voice was breathy and sweet.  
  
“Yeah…” Mine was even breathier. “That was incredible.”  
  
He chuckled and gave me a subdued smile. “Good,” he continued to comb my hair. “But I’m sorry,” he sighed.  
  
“…For what?”  
  
“I tried being gentle.” He pulled the comforter over me to keep my body warm. “But seeing you in this…” He glanced down at my collarbones. “I couldn’t stop myself.”  
  
I let out a soft giggle. “I was the one who told you that you didn’t have to hold back.”  
  
“Yeah, that was hot,” he sighed.  
  
He got up from the bed to dispose of the now useless thing restraining him. Without bothering to put on any clothes, he walked out into the bathroom. The dizziness returned when I saw the beautiful line of his vertebrae, the artistic curves of his buttocks, toned calves, and lean ankles. _What a treat._ Getting to stare at the backside of his body was like dessert for what had transpired on this bed just moments ago. When he returned, I tried to shut my eyes in time but it was too late. His defined collarbones, broad shoulders, muscular chest, tapering waistline, a trail of hair leading down toward his…  
  
I heard him chuckle. “_Now_ you’re embarrassed?”  
  
“…Yes!” I hid under the covers.  
  
“But not when you were making all those naughty sounds?” he smirked.  
  
Mortified, I curled up into the fetal position and sighed. He returned to the bed and I felt the mattress sink under his weight. He chuckled again and pulled the covers down to reveal my face. I turned my head to avoid being seen, burying my nose into the sheets. Then, I felt a soft touch tickle the top of my head. When I peeked to see what it was, he was combing through my hair again with his fingers, smiling softly.  
  
“I have to admit, I don’t normally stick around after something like this,” he said as he continued to stroke the back of my head.  
  
In my hazy state of mind, I could still make out a few things from this statement. It told me that he had been in intimate situations with other women before me. That’s fine; what healthy man his age hasn’t? But the other thoughts were more troublesome. Was he just using women for sex? Was there a reason why he couldn’t stay? And who were these women? As if to answer these concerns, he lied down next to me with his head propped up on his elbows and clarified.  
  
“I was their part-time lover, I guess. Or call boy, whatever you want to call it.”  
  
I looked into his eyes and saw no emotion. It almost felt like he was talking about someone else. He was so void of any expression.  
  
“They usually told me to hurry out, or they left before I could offer them a ride home from the hotel.”  
  
I couldn’t explain why, but I felt the urge to touch him and offer comfort. My hand reached for his, and he gave mine a squeeze.  
  
“You’re my first.”  
  
In any other situation, I would have been happy to hear that. It’s always nice to be part of someone’s first experience, whatever it may be. But now that I knew why, I harbored mixed feelings. Although it did make me feel special, it also broke my heart to hear that such an act and expression of love had been devoid of the emotion completely.  
  
“Sho-san.”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“I don’t know much about your past. Actually, I don’t know any of it.”  
  
He shifted his pursed lips to one side, seemingly in deep thought. His fingers played around with my bangs.  
  
“But you deserve to be happy.”  
  
His eyelashes fluttered and drew near. I felt his lips touch mine gently. Then, again. And again. His kisses became more and more passionate, hungering for more. His fingers had a firm grip at the back of my head and I couldn’t break the kiss.  
  
“H-Hey…” I managed to say.  
  
“Sorry,” he pulled away and apologized. “I couldn’t help it.”  
  
After tracing his lips with my fingers, I smiled and inched closer toward his body. “That’s okay. I’m glad.”  
  
I felt a soft peck on my forehead before I gave in to heavy eyelids.  
  
\--  
  
“How’s your coffee?”  
  
Waking up with another body next to you is a strange and wonderful feeling. You don’t really think about it until it happens, like how the bed feels warmer with him there, or how there’s a “my side” and “his side”, or how an alarm clock is unnecessary if you have a man wrap his arm around your waist.  
  
When I opened my eyes, he was already looking at me. He suggested we have breakfast together, so I followed him into the kitchen and offered to make toast. He narrowed his eyes, understanding that my comment was poking fun at him. Still, he passed me the bag of bread and didn’t say a word. Once everything was ready to eat, we sat across from each other at the table. It wasn’t my first morning here, and yet, the morning after felt different. There was something special about it.  
  
“Mmm!” I smiled widely. “How did you know how much milk and sugar I take?”  
  
“It’s not your first cup of coffee here, is it?”  
  
I shook my head and held the mug close to my lips. _Had he taken note of how I made my coffee?_ These little things made me smile.  
  
“Compatibility is everything. Isn’t it?” I took another sip of the coffee.  
  
He looked at me, impressed. “Good memory.”  
  
Then, he took a bite of the buttered toast and filled his cheeks as he chewed. My toes curled under the table. Eating was one of my favorite things to do with Sho-san because I felt like his only audience.  
  
“Hm?” He noticed I was staring and looked over, raising his eyebrows.  
  
I shook my head, grinning. “Nothing.”  
  
He took another bite of his toast and didn’t probe any further. “Could I take you to work?”  
  
“It’s not out of your way?” I hesitated.  
  
“But in return, I have a favor to ask.”  
  
I tilted my head. “What is it?”  
  
“I’m due for a haircut.” He combed back his bangs with his fingers and the golden strands came flowing down.  
  
“Y-You want one today?”  
  
“For good luck.”  
  
“What does that mean?” I replied, confused.  
  
“Come on,” he asked again.  
  
He got up from his seat, walked over to my side of the table, and placed his hands on my armrest. Leaning down over me, he tilted his head and kissed my neck. I parted my lips as his made their way down to my chest.  
  
“H…ey, Sho-san…” I tried refusing but my body reacted otherwise. I pulled at his v-neck shirt and brought him closer.  
  
He gave a fleeting smirk before burying his lips between my breasts, pulling the lace fabric out of the way with his teeth. Before long, the shoulder straps were falling and the back of the chair was the only thing keeping the baby doll from slipping off completely.  
  
“S-Sho-san…!” I covered my now exposed chest with my arms.  
  
When he looked up at me, his bangs covered his eyes and he looked like a predator hiding from his prey before the attack. “Hey.”  
  
“…Yeah?”  
  
He grabbed my wrist gently, brought my hand to his bangs, and used my fingers to clear his hair out of his face. Behind the curtain of his golden locks was a pair of lustful, brown eyes.  
  
“You’ll do something about this, right?” His voice was deep and raspy.  
  
Enraptured by the look in his eyes, I nodded before my mind could fully understand. He bit his lower lip, satisfied, and raised himself upright.  
  
“Shall we get going, then?” He fixed his v-neck shirt and grabbed his coffee.  
  
_Sho-san…  
That’s too much for my heart to take so early in the morning._  
  
I reached for my coffee but I just sat there, looking at the mug. _That’s not fair, Sho-san. Now look what you've done._  
  
“Hey!” I stood up.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Don’t you think this is a little unfair?” I pouted.  
  
The corner of his lips curled with delight. “What is?”  
  
“You think you can just leave me here like this?” I crossed my arms.  
  
“Leave you there like what?”  
  
“Don’t play dumb!”  
  
He put his coffee down and stood behind me. What do you think you’re doing? I was supposed to say. But his arms wrapped around my waist, his chest pressed up against my back. I froze in place, unable to move.  
  
“Kokoro-san?” he breathed behind my ear.  
  
“Aah…” I let out a whimper.  
  
“Hey.”  
  
“…Yes?” I whispered. His bangs tickled my cheek.  
  
“When do I get to see you again?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“How about this weekend?” He left a soft kiss on the side of my neck.  
  
It sent shivers down my spine. “…Okay.”  
  
I felt him bury his nose in my hair. “You’ll be a good girl and wear this again?” I had forgotten that he had moved the baby doll around and areas that were supposed to be covered were still exposed. He slowly moved his hands up my arms and fixed the straps, then skillfully covered my breasts with the lacy fabric.  
  
I nodded, cheeks blushing.  
  
“Only for me?”  
  
“Of course.”  
  
“I think you should get dressed,” he whispered as his nose drew a line down the nape of my neck, tickling my skin.  
  
I cleared my throat.  
  
“Because if you don’t,” his arms pulled me in closer and made their way up just below my breasts. “I don’t think I’ll be able to wait until the weekend.”  
  
Realizing what he had said, I gasped and felt my face burning from embarrassment. “Sho-san…!” I pouted and turned around.  
  
He didn’t let go of me. Now, the front of my body was touching his. Maybe this was a bad move.  
  
“Hm?” he said confidently.  
  
“Don’t say things like that…” I looked away.  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“You’re putting ideas in my head!” I managed to pull away and break free from his spell. Covering my chest with my arms, I ran down the hallway into his room and closed the door behind me so I could get dressed. I heard him chuckle in the other room and call out, “Who’s the pervert now?” I shook my head vigorously to clear my thoughts and changed quickly. I folded the baby doll carefully and placed it into my duffel bag. Seeing it now, I couldn’t separate the object from the man, and the man from the equation. I felt the fabric again and recalled how he had gripped my hips as he thrusted inside me, the outline of his muscular body, his furrowed eyebrows before he reached the edge. I zipped up the bag quickly and tried to focus on something else.  
  
_Knock, knock._  
  
“Y-Yes?!” I snapped my head back toward the door.  
  
He slowly opened it and peeked in. “Are you ready?”  
  
“Y-Yeah, sorry.” I let out an exhale.  
  
I picked up the duffel bag to head out, but the weight immediately left my hands as he took the bag away from me. “I got it,” he smiled.  
  
I froze. He was wearing a navy blue button-down shirt, tucked neatly into a pair of black slacks. An expensive-looking leather belt adorned his tapered waist, accentuating the broadness of his shoulders and the length of his legs. The sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, revealing strong forearms that now held my belongings. But my eyes lingered longest at his chest, where the top three buttons of his dress shirt were left undone, completely exposing his collarbones. With every twist of his body, I could see more skin. I never knew a man could be so desirable. It was hard for me to look at him without thinking dirty thoughts.  
  
“Kokoro-san,” he chuckled.  
  
I knew what that meant. He had noticed me staring, and he knew exactly what was on my mind. I pouted and looked down at the ground.  
  
“Want to help me pick a necktie to go with my outfit?”  
  
The unexpected question threw me off completely. “…W-What?”  
  
He stuck out his lips a little bit and pinched the shirt at his neck, pulling it open to show more skin. “I can’t go out like this, can I?”  
  
I puffed out my cheeks and hid them behind my hands, walking toward his walk-in closet. _He knows exactly what he’s doing._ “…Where are your ties?” I pretended not to notice.  
  
He laughed through his nose, making fun of my reaction. “They’re over here.” He walked over to his dresser and opened the second tier drawer. Inside were dozens of neckties, everything from monotone colors to vibrant hues, some opulent, others matte, and some other with prints and patterns. They were all neatly rolled up and looked like a jewelry box.  
  
“Wow…” My amazement leaked out in one word. I couldn’t help but reach for a gray Louis Vuitton necktie. When I picked it up, it shimmered in my hand.  
  
“You like that one?” he said over my shoulder.  
  
“It’s lovely.” I let it cascade down and it glimmered in the morning light.  
  
I felt a tug on my arm. When I turned around, he tilted his chin upward and pointed at his neck with his long finger.  
  
“…What?” I heard my voice flip from nervousness.  
  
“Could you tie it for me?” he smiled.  
  
The necktie slipped out of my hands and fell to the ground, and yet I didn’t even notice. When he bent down to pick it up, I realized what had happened.  
  
“S-Sorry!” I clasped my hands apologetically.  
  
But he just smiled and took my hand. After giving me back the tie, he pulled down his shirt and fixed his belt.  
  
“I’m waiting,” he raised his eyebrows. His voice was soft and inviting.  
  
I fidgeted with the tie. “…But, your shirt.”  
  
“What about it?”  
  
I looked away. “It’s… not buttoned all the way.”  
  
“Oh, yeah,” he said unfazed. “Could you button those up first?”  
  
_Was this part of your plan all along?_  
  
I hung the necktie over my arm and carefully reached for his collar. I willed my fingers to focus on the task, but my eyes wandered off and it took me several tries to get one button fastened. I was getting flustered, and I could feel the tip of my fingers tingling.  
  
He burst into laughter, his mouth wide open, cheekbones rising. “Kokoro-san!”  
  
I pursed my lips in embarrassment. “It’s not my fault you’re so hot!” I yelled.  
  
“Hm?” he smirked. “What’s that?”  
  
“I’m not saying it again,” I pouted.  
  
“I was just going to say you were tickling me, but…” he licked his lips. “I had no idea you thought that about me.”  
  
I thought my face was on fire. I wanted to hide. “Meanie!” I pushed him away.  
  
“Hey…!” He grabbed my wrists and held me in place. I thought he was going to say something snarky again. I was waiting.  
  
But instead, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and I fell into him. My cheek hit the exposed skin of his chest and I could hear his heart beating steadily.  
  
“Sho-san…?”  
  
“Don’t say things like that.”  
  
“Why not…?”  
  
“You’re putting ideas in my head!” he teased in a high-pitched voice, clearly mimicking me from earlier. He chuckled and pointed at his neck again.  
  
_Ah. There it is.  
There’s the teasing._  
  
“You know…” I crossed my arms. “You’re on thin ice right now,” I pouted some more.  
  
“Am I?” He led my hands upward so I could sling the tie around his neck.  
  
“…Y-Yes. Very thin ice, in fact,” I tried to focus.  
  
“So, I’m in trouble?” His voice sounded melodic and relaxed.  
  
“O-Oh, big time!” I brought the long end around the short end.  
  
“I see…” he smirked.  
  
It took every fiber in my body to resist him. When I was finally done knotting the tie, I inched it closer to his neck to secure it. His Adam’s apple moved up and down. I was staring again.  
  
“Let’s see how you did.” He moved over to the body-length mirror at the other side of the room and centered the knot. “Not bad, Kokoro-san.” He smiled into the mirror, but his eyes were looking at me.  
  
“You’re welcome.” I turned and looked away so he wouldn’t see my blushing cheeks.  
  
\--  
  
When we arrived at my workplace, it was still 8:30AM. Sho-san didn’t have any trouble remembering how to get there, not once asking me for directions. After parking his car at a nearby hourly parking lot, we made our way to the building. The salon didn’t open to the public until 10:00AM, and since it was my responsibility to open the salon, I normally tried to get there an hour before hours to get everything ready. My subordinates should arrive around 9:30, which gives me an hour, I thought.  
  
Upon entering, Sho-san took in his surroundings, looking around at shop décor and sale items.  
  
“How long do you think it’ll take?” he asked, his hands clasped behind his back.  
  
I walked over and looked up at him. Like I usually would with my clients, I reached for his hair and played around with the ends to test his hair type and ponder some ideas. Even though his hair was bleached, it seemed like there was minimal damage and I didn’t notice any split ends. Each strand was on the thick side and felt like silk between my fingers.  
  
“…ro-san?”  
  
“Huh?” My fingers stopped moving.  
  
He stifled a laugh. “So, what do you think?”  
  
“Oh, right.” I retracted my hands. “…I’ll try and finish in an hour.”  
  
He nodded, so I escorted him to the shampooing sink. After situating himself on the chair, I started the water and began wetting his hair. Although I had been with Ryota for quite a while, he had never visited me at work. In fact, that prior disruption was the only time. This was a new experience and it felt strange, washing my boyfriend’s hair at the salon. His golden bangs turned a darker hue under the running water. He had closed his eyes and clasped his hands over his stomach, and his lips looked so kissable just perched there on his beautiful face.  
  
“It’s not polite to stare.” He peeked out of his left eye and locked gazes with me.  
  
I turned my head away as quickly as I could. “I wasn’t!”  
  
He gave me a smug look and closed his eyes again. “Kokoro-san?”  
  
“…What?”  
  
I expected a snarky comment. Or maybe a line to tease me. But, in true Sho-san fashion, he threw me an unexpected question I hadn’t answered in years.


	14. Eyes Like Glass

Without opening his eyes, he let his words hang in the air like a curious thought bubble.  
  
"Why'd you become a hairstylist?"  
  
It had been a long time since anyone had asked me that question. When I first chose this career path, I used to say, "Because I want to make people feel confident in their looks," or something cheesy like that. After Ryota, I lost sight of ideals like that and work just became work. _That's okay, Kokoro. There are millions of people who work because they have to._ I told myself that for the past several years, and gradually, I believed it. I became comfortable with the status quo.  
  
"...I don't know," I replied at last. My hands moved diligently as the shampoo covered his hair.  
  
"Does it bring you joy?" His eyes were closed and I could see his long eyelashes flutter with each move of his pupils.  
  
I turned on the faucet and removed the suds from his hair. The warm water trickled down his strands and through my fingers.  
  
"It used to." As the words slipped out of my mouth, I realized something concerning. All that talk about happiness, all that confidence about Sho-san harnessing that power to bring joy to others...all this time, I had forgotten what true happiness felt like, to enjoy working, to enjoy life. I dried off his hair, fixed the chair, placed a towel on his shoulders, and asked him to move to the cutting area. These repetitive actions, my brain had memorized. I felt like a drone in cruise control.  
  
He followed me to his seat and I could see him staring at me from the reflection in the mirror. "What did you want to be when you were younger?" he asked.  
  
"Well, my first dream was to become a flight attendant."  
  
He smiled. "You'd be good at it."  
  
"I don't know," I chirped. "I can be rude when people push my buttons." I giggled as I grabbed a pair of shears and a comb.  
  
"But you're a better hairstylist."  
  
My hands stopped moving for a moment, then resumed their task. "You're just flattering me," I chuckled. "I'm not even finished with your haircut!"  
  
"I could see you were affected by the answer you gave me earlier," he replied. "You looked disappointed."  
  
I quickly smiled and denied his accusations. "You're thinking too much."  
  
"Am I?"  
  
"..."  
  
"Kokoro-san."  
  
"…Hm?"  
  
"You're a terrible liar."  
  
I looked into the mirror and met eyes with him. He was staring straight at me, pressuring me without uttering a word.  
  
"I like that about you, you know," he continued. "Take it from someone who had no choice but to become a host. If you know you love something, you're good at it, and you actually get to do it, that's an incredible thing."  
  
His words hit a deep part of my psyche, seeping in like water leaking through the cracks and slowly filling me. I tried to keep things casual, still focusing on cutting his hair and looking away.  
  
"So, why'd you become a nightclub host?"  
  
I heard a faint chuckle. "That's not important."  
  
I had heard that reply before. Last time, I let it go. This time, I couldn't.  
  
"It's important to me!" My voice rose a few notches, and I could see Sho-san's wide-eyed reaction in the mirror. "S-Sorry..."  
  
"That's okay." His voice was comforting, though he seemed to be deep in thought. Maybe I said too much. I shouldn't have gotten so heated up about it. Will he dislike that I stuck my head too far into his business?  
  
"What are you doing next Tuesday?" he asked.  
  
The invitation caught me off-guard. "Uh...nothing, I think."  
  
"Let's reschedule our weekend date to Tuesday, then."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I want you to meet someone." His voice was controlled and proper.  
  
"Who?" Mine was shaky and hesitant.  
  
"Someone we can only see during the day."  
  
"What does that mean?"  
  
"I'll meet you for dinner on Monday, and we can go from there."  
  
Realizing that his date plan came with a night together, I pressed my lips together and fell silent. To keep my mind busy, I refocused on the task at hand. It was just like him, I thought, starting a conversation then leaving me with unanswered questions. As I snipped away at his hair, an idea came to me. I hope he's up for it, because it's going to be a huge change.  
  
\--  
  
"Wow, I didn't think you'd change me up _this_ much," he said as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. When I cut his hair, I thought that he could challenge himself to something new. So, in addition to a trim, I suggested that he try a new color. He obliged, so I took the liberty of choosing the hue. In stark contrast to his once bleached hair, it was now a dark chestnut tone. When the sunlight hit, some stray strands glowed like sweet, clover honey.  
  
"Do you not like it?" I asked, concerned.  
  
"I didn't say that," he reassured. Then, he stood up and faced me. Fixing his collar and tie, he smiled.  
  
I was totally staring. His smile turned into a chuckle.  
  
"Are you admiring your own work of art?" he teased.  
  
I pouted. It wasn't that. Not entirely, at least.  
  
"Hey."  
  
"..."  
  
He reached out his hand and tilted my chin upward. It turns out I had looked away.  
  
"Now, I feel like _I_ need to be asking you whether you like it," he joked.  
  
"...You're going to work tonight, right?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Like that?"  
  
"Minus the tie, yeah."  
  
"..."  
  
I heard him laugh through his nose. "Ah," he smiled. "I understand now."  
  
"I bet you don't," I challenged.  
  
He leaned down to meet me at my eye level. His bangs swayed a little and grazed his eyebrows.  
  
"I didn't know you were the possessive type, Kokoro-san," he smirked.  
  
_H-How did he know?!_  
"Heh, what are you talking about?" I feigned ignorance.  
  
"Still haven't learned anything from being with me, I see." He used his forefinger to comb his bangs to one side. "I'm a pretty good guesser, remember?"  
  
_Damn it. How could I forget?_  
I gave up. "That's not fair."  
  
"You think the patrons will like what they see?"  
  
"...They already do."  
  
"It comes with the title, unfortunately."  
  
The #1 Host at Akatsuki, I said to myself. _That's one hell of a title. Don't be selfish._ "I understand."  
  
He chuckled. "Does it bother you?"  
  
I looked intently into his eyes. If I shook my head right now, I'd be lying. "...It's your job."  
  
"Exactly," he said matter-of-factly. "They're merely clients."  
  
"...I know," I looked down at my feet.  
  
"They have to pay to see me. You've never had to."  
  
I nodded once, eyes still on the floor.  
  
"You're the first woman I've ever been with outside of business."  
  
I suddenly remembered Mr. Hayato’s words that night at Mr. Yamashiro’s bar.  
  
_“I’ve never seen him with a woman outside of business.”_  
  
"You have nothing to be worried about," he assured. "You know what I think about women who need to visit host clubs."  
  
My fingers fidgeted with the sleeves of my top. I smiled at the floor, then looked up at him with the same expression. "I did a pretty good job, didn't I?"  
  
"You did," he smiled back.  
  
As he took a step forward to shorten the distance between us, the door to the salon opened and two of my subordinates walked in. Upon seeing an unfamiliar face, they froze in place and shifted their eyes between him and me.  
  
"Kana-chan. Yusuke-kun. Morning!" I said energetically as if it were just another day.  
  
"...Good morning, Manager Nijishiro," they replied hesitantly. I could see Kana-chan's eyes glimmer for a split second.  
  
"You're here early, Manager," Yusuke said.  
  
"Really? I'm usually here by 9:00AM," I replied calmly, though my hands were clammy.  
  
"Manager Nijishima," Kana-chan shifted her feet excitedly toward us and stood to my side. "Who is _this_?" The tone of her voice was like a teenager who had just witnessed her best friend's first kiss.  
  
"O-Oh," I stuttered as I looked at him. "He's a last-minute customer." It wasn't a lie, but not completely the truth, either.  
  
"Hmm~♪" Kana-chan hummed.  
  
"I better get going. I've got prior engagements." He looked at me and the corner of his mouth curled ever so slightly.  
  
"Could I ring you up?" Yusuke headed over to the cashier.  
  
"I'll do it!" I shouted. Yusuke looked at me wide-eyed but got out of the way.  
  
Sho-san played along magnificently, no hesitation in his words or movements as he made his way to the counter.  
  
"How much?"  
  
I lowered my voice. "It's okay, you don't owe me anything."  
  
"A last-minute customer should pay," he smiled teasingly.  
  
"You never let me pay for my visits to Akatsuki," I rebutted.  
  
He stuck out his lips and nodded. "You have a point." As he opened his wallet to pull out some bills, he leaned in a bit and whispered, "But you're no longer my client, remember?"  
  
I slowly looked into his eyes. "What does that mean...?"  
  
Without saying anything else, he left 15,000 yen on the counter.  
  
"W-Wait!" I shouted after him.  
  
"Hm?" He turned around, one hand on the door handle. "That should be enough."  
  
It was, in fact, exactly what he owed. He must have seen the pricing panel behind the cash register. "Let me give you a discount, at least..." I mumbled.  
  
Smiling, he replied, "Maybe next time." Pushing the door open, he stepped out of the salon and into the cool, winter day. He turned his head for a moment to give me one last smile, then headed for the parking lot. Once I could no longer see him, Kana-chan elbowed me, grinning widely.  
  
"He's really handsome, Manager~!" she teased. "How long have you been seeing him?"  
  
I snapped my head toward her. "H-How did you know that we were together?"  
  
"I didn't," she replied casually. "Until now."  
  
_Shoot._ Smooth, Kokoro.  
  
"But I could tell," Kana-chan continued. "The way he looked at you, those eyes didn't belong to a stranger."  
  
"Heh..." I was out of words.  
  
"Darn! You're so lucky, Manager Nijishima. Why are all the good ones taken?" Kana-chan whined. "I'm willing to settle for decent, for crying out loud!"  
  
I chuckled. I knew how it felt to be on her side of the spectrum. When I met Sho-san, I had no intention of being with a man or committing to any kind of romantic relationship. Funny how feelings and emotions are so dependent upon life situations and the paths that cross.  
  
"Don't settle, Kana-chan. You're too good for that!"  
  
"Easy for you to say, Manager!" She pouted and pretended to cry. Then, we both looked at each other and chuckled. It felt good to have such a close relationship with my subordinates, and I hoped that they wouldn’t fall victim to the status quo.  
  
\--  
  
"Sorry, Akatsuki is short two hosts tonight, so they need me to come in for this shift. I'll come get you after I'm done."  
  
I received a text from Sho-san as my workday was winding down. I was looking forward to dinner with him, but work is important. Plus, I knew I would be able to spend time with him all day tomorrow, so I wasn't too bummed.  
  
"That's okay! See you tonight."  
  
After I hit 'send,' I cleaned up the salon and closed the doors. My night plans cleared all of a sudden, so I tried to recall what I had in my fridge. It's time to restock, anyway, I thought. There was a grocery store a few blocks from my workplace, so I decided to head there before taking the train back home.  
  
For a Monday evening, the streets felt busy as I weaved my way through businessmen and career-driven women. As I neared the grocery store, I felt a pair of eyes staring at me. I tried not to look but I could sense their intense gaze. When I finally gave into the pressure, a young woman called out to me.  
  
"Kokoro-san, is that you?"  
  
"... Oh, my gosh! Maki-chan!!"  
  
"Good evening." She hurried over and gave a quick bow. Unlike the first time I met her, she was wearing her own clothes instead of a uniform. It was a light pink, frilly dress that tapered at her thin waist and flowed down to the middle of her thighs. Over it she wore a beige peacoat, her feet slipped into an uncomfortable-looking pair of knee-high boots. Her hair was curled and she looked like a doll. I didn't notice how slender she was the last time we met.  
  
"Maki-chan, I almost didn’t recognize you! That's a great look on you."  
  
"Thanks, Kokoro-san. I'm waiting for my date!" She grinned widely to announce the news.  
  
"What?! How exciting!" I smiled back.  
  
"After I had that talk with you, I realized that I had been holding onto Sakurai sempai all this time. I just hadn't noticed." Her expression was calm and collected.  
  
"Do you feel different now?"  
  
"I have to admit, I was quite jealous of you at first," Maki-chan confessed. "I tried everything to get his attention. You could say I look like this now because of Sakurai sempai!"  
  
"...What do you mean?"  
  
"He likes women who take care of their looks, at least that was the rumor going around back in his Keio days. I wasn't the only one hoping to get noticed."  
  
I thought about the baby doll he bought me and noted that the rumor wasn't completely unfounded.  
  
"But when you visited the izakaya with Sakurai sempai, I realized that that rumor was false."  
  
"Maki-chan, are you implying that I don't care about how I look?" I said jokingly.  
  
She looked embarrassed and shook her head vigorously. "That's not what I meant! I'm sorry!"  
  
I assured her that I didn't take offense.  
  
"It's just that... I realized it didn't matter what I did. Sakurai sempai was never the kind of person who changed the way he interacts with people based on how they looked. I assume he knew why girls at school looked their best in front of him, but that didn't affect the amount of attention he'd give us."  
  
I nodded, listening intently.  
  
"But with you..." I could tell she was choosing her words carefully. "The way he looked at you was so different. I had never seen sempai like that before."  
  
I pressed my lips together. It was the second time I had heard that in a week.  
  
"That's when I realized that I had no chance."  
  
"Maki-chan..."  
  
"It's okay! I'm thankful. Now, I can finally move on." She grabbed my arm softly and gave it a squeeze. "I can't compete with a woman he chose, anyway. I already know who's going to win."  
  
I held the hand holding onto my arm. "It's no wonder Sho-san looked after you. I, too, would be protective of a kouhai like you, Maki-chan."  
  
She giggled and let go of my arm. "Are things going well with Sakurai sempai?"  
  
"They are," I nodded.  
  
"Please take good care of him, Kokoro-san. I can be quite protective, too," she winked.  
  
"I will." She smiled hearing my response.  
  
"Maki sempai!" I heard a man's voice call for the woman in front of me.  
  
"Sempai...?" I raised my eyebrows and grinned.  
  
"He told me that he's liked me since he started working at that izakaya. I always thought older men were my type, but it's not so bad being fawned over by a kouhai," she giggled.  
  
"Look whose turn it is to be the sempai everyone loves," I poked her arm playfully.  
  
"I gotta get going, but I'm really happy I ran into you, Kokoro-san. Please come by again to eat at the restaurant. And bring Sakurai sempai along!"  
  
She saw me nod, then rushed over to her younger boyfriend. After looking my way and giving me one, last wave and a bow, the couple held hands and joined the crowd. I felt so happy for her. In the few weeks since I met her, I noticed tremendous growth. She looked more confident, more vibrant, and I knew that she was in good hands. We're all on some part of the romance journey, I thought. Immediately, Sho-san's face crossed my mind and noticed that I, too, felt more confident around him, that I was also in good hands.  
  
After the encounter, I finished my grocery shopping and headed home. Tonight's menu was an oyako-don for one. I opened a can of beer and sat in front of the TV. It felt foreign. Before meeting him, I was pretty happy with my life. I had a stable career, I had awesome friends, and I had all this time to myself. This used to be normal. Now, it was beginning to feel somewhat off. It was different from loneliness, something Ryota left me with. This was more like longing, to be able to share life's little joys with someone you love. It was thoughts like, "Mm, this turned out well! I should make it for him sometime soon," and "I bet he'd find this TV show funny."  
  
I took a bath and began to unwind, deciding I'd take a leaf from Maki-chan's book and paint my nails. I'd have to remove it tomorrow before work, but the effort still felt worth it. I was starting to feel a bit drowsy by 11:00PM, and realized I was nodding off on my couch. Around 1:30AM, my phone buzzed. I rubbed my eyes and checked to see who it was.  
  
_"Are you still up? Could I come over?"_  
  
I smiled at my screen with droopy eyes.  
  
_"Text me again when you're at the door."_ I wrote back.  
  
Do I look presentable? Maybe he's hungry or wants to wind down with a cold beer? As these questions popped up in my head, my movements became a bit hasty and unorganized, and I ended up banging my toes on the foot of the coffee table.  
  
"...Ow!!" I tried to keep my voice down but like a reflex, I expressed my pain in one, agonizing word.  
  
I sat on the ground to take a look. No external wounds, no chipped nails. Good. That's when my phone buzzed again.  
  
_"I'm guessing you stubbed your toe on the coffee table."_  
  
_What?!_  
  
I clutched the phone to my chest and got up quickly, forgetting about the pain and rushing to the front door. Through the peephole, I could see him covering his mouth with his fist, stifling laughter. I puffed out my cheeks and debated whether or not to make him wait a bit longer out in the cold hallway. My phone buzzed in my hand.  
  
_"I know you're at the door."  
  
Sigh._ You win.  
  
I slowly undid the lock and opened the door. He removed his shoes and stepped inside.  
  
"Hey."  
  
"Hi."  
  
"Is your foot okay?"  
  
"Oh, now you're concerned?" I pouted.  
  
He looked down at the floor. "Not swollen or anything?" His voice was so dreamy I could feel my defenses crumbling.  
  
"It's fine..."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah, it's not a big deal."  
  
“Did you paint your nails?”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
He pointed at my toes.  
  
“O-Oh, yeah.”  
  
“You sure you’re not hurt?”  
  
“It’s fine, really.”  
  
"...Okay."  
  
Something was different. I looked at Sho-san and immediately, I couldn't look away. His eyes seemed to catch mine. They stared back at me like they had spotted just what he had been looking for.  
  
"S...ho-san?"  
  
Next thing I knew, he had dropped his bag on the floor and his arm had me pressed up against the hallway wall. He leaned in without warning and swallowed my lips in a passionate kiss. I felt his cold hand sneak inside my pajama top and I gasped as goosebumps covered my arms.  
  
But he didn't stop. He continued to kiss me, his tongue exploring my mouth and his hot breath tickling my chin. Before I could stop him, he had managed to unbutton my pajamas and my chest was now completely exposed.  
  
"W-Wait, Sho-san!" I pushed him away and he broke the kiss...but the seductive look in his eyes remained.  
  
"Sorry," he breathed as he snapped the buttons of his sleeves and collar. "But I need you right now."  
  
Within a matter of seconds, he was half-naked as he reached around to the small of my back with his bare arms. The kissing resumed, now nibbling on my earlobe and tickling my neck. I let out a sigh of pleasure, a cue for him to continue, a sign of defeat. He gently but quickly removed my shirt, my pants, and my underwear. Just like that, I was wearing nothing. Still holding his body against mine, he led me to the bedroom where he finally broke the kiss.  
  
But not for long. He had me sit on the bed as he undid his belt buckle and removed his slacks, then his boxers. My eyes widened. It was clear he was already ready. He picked up his pants, reached into the pocket, and unwrapped the condom. The flimsy thing wrapped tightly around, and he seemed to be in more discomfort than last time.  
  
He pushed me down on the bed, resuming the kiss. Unlike the first time, tonight's Sho-san was different, more forceful. I didn't even try to deny him; my body wanted him, too. Sometimes, when I'd open my eyes, I could tell that his was partially open, glazed over with a kind of insatiable lust. As he turned me over and positioned me on my hands and knees, I turned my head to look at him.  
  
"Sho...san?"  
  
His breathing was shallow and his eyes still melting from the desire within. He reached out his hand to caress my cheek, a gesture that let me know that I could trust him, a single act that he didn't plan but knew to give seeing my expression. As the same hand slid down my spine and grabbed my hips, I knew what was coming next.  
  
"Ahh...!"  
  
He inhaled between his teeth as his fingers dug into my butt. The bed creaked beneath us as the bedpost squeaked in rhythm with his movements. Whatever happened to the gentle Sho-san I know? As his thighs slapped loudly against my butt, I could feel him shoving deep into me. My mind was enraptured in the moment, hazy from pleasure. I thought I heard his lips leak a low moan, but by then, I was already reaching my first hit. I buried my face into the pillow as I screamed, my knees now having a hard time keeping me up.  
  
He slid out for a moment and turned me back over. His hands caressed my thighs as they parted my legs. Maybe I'm being too needy. Maybe I'm asking too much. Still, I wanted to hear him say it.  
  
"Sho-san."  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"..." I gazed deeply into his eyes and hoped that he would understand.  
  
"Kokoro-san."  
  
He did.  
My name resounded like a dear melody in my ears.  
  
Soon after hearing his beloved voice utter my name, he slid back into me with ease. There was no resistance, the wet sounds echoing off the walls. He leaned down and continued to kiss me, sometimes breaking it to catch his breath.  
  
"Ready?" he said against my lips.  
  
I quickly nodded as to not break the kiss.  
  
"Nnngh...!"  
  
His eyebrows furrowed but his eyes were still partially open, not looking away. I let out a moan as my back arched underneath him. I needed to hold onto something, so I clung to his arms, my newly painted nails digging into his triceps. As we both tried to catch our breaths, he propped himself up on his elbows, still hovering over me. His eyes had changed again, now gazing at me like I was his fragile treasure. I reached for his bangs with my hand, swiped it to one side, then cradled his cheek. It was he who looked fragile.  
  
He pushed his cheek into my hand, then slid out of me to lie on his back beside me. He was still trying to catch his breath, and I could see his whole torso rise and fall with each inhale and exhale. His eyes looked up at the ceiling, eyelashes fluttering as if he had done something wrong.  
  
This was new. I had never seen anyone's eyes change so much.  
  
"Sho-san...?"  
  
"I... didn't hurt you, did I?" He turned his head to face me.  
  
"No," I assured. "Um..."  
  
He turned to his side and pulled me in with his arms. His body was warm and I felt small buried in his wide chest.  
  
"Can we stay like this for a bit?" His voice seemed like it was fading.  
  
"Yeah..." I wrapped the top arm around to his back and squeezed tightly.  
  
_Did something happen? What's wrong?_  
  
I wanted to ask, but I felt like he might crumble underneath such questions. Pretty soon, the warmth from his body encouraged my heavy eyelids to give in to slumber. I felt the strength leave my arm as it slid down his back.  
  
\--  
  
When I woke up the next day, the comforter was over my body and he was sleeping beside me wearing his v-neck t-shirt and sweats. I could only recall sleeping in his arms. _When did he get up to change?_ His body was facing away from mine, so I decided to move closer. I pressed my forehead against his broad back. His heartbeat was calm and regular. I gave him a kiss there, my breath warming that area. Sensing my presence, he began to move. I quickly retracted my head before he turned over onto his back. After a few blinks, he rubbed his eyes and stretched his arms.  
  
"Sorry I woke you," I whispered.  
  
"That's okay." His just-woke-up voice was raspy, guttural, and the sexiest thing I had ever heard. "What time is it?"  
  
"10:30AM."  
  
"Oops, I overslept," he chuckled.  
  
"Could I make you some coffee?"  
  
"That'd be nice."  
  
"Maybe we can have brunch here before heading out?"  
  
"Yeah, let's leave here by 12:30."  
  
"Okay." As I rustled the sheets to get up, his hand grabbed my arm, just above the elbow.  
  
"Kokoro-san."  
  
"Yes?" I turned around.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"...For what?"  
  
"For trusting me." His thumb began to caress my arm.  
  
"Yeah, of course," I smiled reassuringly.  
  
He smiled faintly before letting go. I noticed my pajamas were neatly folded and placed on top of the dresser. It forced me to recall what happened last night out in the hallway. I thought about what he had said before, about his past, sexual experiences, and wondered how any woman with a fragment of a heart could hurt a man so sweet and considerate. As I made my way into the kitchen, the thought crossed my mind again. His eyes were different. I hadn't seen them look like that before.  
  
They looked lost.  
  
\--  
  
Even throughout brunch, he wasn't as talkative as he usually was, and certainly not as confident. He finished everything on his plate and drank all his coffee. At least he's still got an appetite, I thought. After I cleaned the dishes, we both got dressed and ready to go. Only upon reaching his car did I realize something.  
  
"Where are we going?" I asked my usual question.  
  
"You'll know in a bit," came his usual reply.  
  
_Wasn't I supposed to meet someone today?_ I didn't press any further, but reached for his hand. He held mine the whole way there. As I looked out the window, I could deduce that he had never taken me to this place. We passed by a convenience store, where he parked and unbuckled his belt.  
  
"You can wait in the car. I won't take long." He exited the car and turned the corner.  
  
Now alone, I wondered how I should pass the time. I took out my phone but I hadn't received any messages. It had been a while since I saw Juri and Reiko. I missed the girls. I opened our group text and invited them to a girls' night out. I got replies immediately.  
  
_"Look who it is! You still have time for us, right? I'm down!"_ Juri wrote.  
  
_"Chicks over dicks, obviously. See you two then!"_ Reiko replied.  
  
_"Not always true with you, Reiko."_ Juri wrote back.  
  
I giggled alone in the car. My friends meant the world to me, and I knew I could always count on them.  
  
Just then, I heard the trunk open and close.  
  
"Thanks for waiting." Sho-san returned and opened the door.  
  
"That was fast."  
  
"Yeah, I always get the same thing." He turned the keys and started the car.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Let's get going."  
  
We drove for another 10 minutes or so until a huge building appeared to our left. It wasn't until he pulled into the parking lot that I realized this was our final destination.  
  
"W-Wait... this is a..."  
  
"Mm-hmm."  
  
"Sho-san."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"What are we doing here?"  
  
He took off his seatbelt. "You'll see."  
  
I quickly followed him out of the car. When he opened the trunk, there was a humble bouquet of daisies. He took it out and walked in through the automatic doors. The people behind the counter gave him a bow as he nodded. It was clear he came here often.  
  
He led me into an elevator and pressed "8". When the doors opened, he turned left, walked swiftly down a wide corridor, turned right, and hit a dead-end. He took a deep breath and with his free hand, he held mine. He looked at me, then pointed to the sign at the door with his eyes. Once again, they looked different. They looked like a child's, lonely and painful. It was the same look I had first seen at Mr. Yamashiro's bar, agony brimming at his eyelashes. I followed his lead and looked at the sign, but when I saw what was written there, I opened my mouth and gasped.  
  
"There's someone I'd like you to meet." He let go of my hand and opened the door. All I could do was follow after him.  
  
_Sakurai Yoko-sama_, the sign read.  
  
Inside was an older woman sitting against the bedpost, a needle in her arm and tubes in her nose.


	15. The Woman In The Room

“Oh, Sho.” Her voice was wispy and airy.  
  
“Hey.” His was sweet and gentle.  
  
“Didn’t think you’d come today.” She finished her sentence, then noticed me frozen by the door. Narrowing her eyes as if she understood the whole situation, she gave me a gentle smile and glanced over at Sho-san.  
  
He made his way into the hospital room without a hint of hesitation. I couldn’t. From the corner of my eye, I spotted something colorful, neatly folded and placed atop a wheelchair. I turned to take a closer look. There was no mistaking it: it was the same floral blanket he let me use in his car. That could only mean one thing. My heart began thumping against my ribcage.  
  
“Mom, I brought someone special with me.”  
  
Not “someone,” but “someone special.” He certainly had a way with words. I smiled timidly from the doorway and bowed. He must have found my actions amusing, because when I lifted my head, his face lit up. It was then that I realized I hadn’t seen him smile much all day. I must look so awkward just standing here, I thought. But I didn’t care. I felt useful; I was able to make him smile.  
  
“Let me introduce you.” He tilted his head toward his mother and ushered me to join them. After managing to get to the foot of her bed, he continued with the introductions.  
  
“Mom, this is Kokoro-san. Kokoro-san, this is my mom.”  
  
I cleared my throat. “Hello, Sakurai-san.” I bowed again, this time lower than before.  
  
His mother smiled at me again and nodded her head. “Sho?”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“You didn’t tell her who she was meeting today, did you?”  
  
The edges of his eyes sloped down as he smiled sweetly. He laughed through his nose and scratched his temples with his right hand.  
  
“I’m sorry, Kokoro-san. He’s always been this way.” She sighed as she shook her head. “You don’t need to be so formal with me.”  
  
“T-Thank you…” I smiled back.  
  
“Here.” Sho-san pulled out a folding chair and placed it beside the bed. With his hand, he invited me to sit.  
  
Still quite nervous about everything, I sat shallowly and kept my hands on my knees.  
  
“I got you new ones,” he said as he undid the wrapping on the bouquet.  
  
“You don’t need to bring me new ones each time you visit,” his mother sighed again.  
  
He grabbed the vase on top of her dresser and emptied it of its current residents. Indeed, those daisies were still in full bloom, with only a few stems bending at the neck. With skilled hands, he placed the new batch into the vase and filled it with clean water. After throwing away the old flowers, he placed the vase back where he had found it. Beside it was a photo. _Wait… isn’t this photo…_  
  
“Recognize it?” He seemed to have read my mind.  
  
I nodded. I had to get up and take a closer look. It was the same photo I saw at his place: a desk with a single flower adorning it.  
  
“Daisies are my favorite flower,” his mother chimed in.  
  
“Oh!” I exclaimed. “No wonder.” I gently poked one of the flowers in the vase and leaned in to take a better look at the photo once more.  
  
“I took that photo, but Sho gave me that daisy,” she said fondly. Surprised, I looked at Sho-san. _Why didn’t he tell me that? _He was smiling but his eyes seemed to be hiding something.  
  
“Do you want anything to drink?” he asked suddenly.  
  
“I’ll take my usual,” his mother replied.  
  
“You?” When he looked my way, his eyes had changed their appearance. There was no vulnerability in them anymore.  
  
“…I’m okay,” I responded.  
  
“I’ll be back.” He smiled at me briefly, then headed out, leaving me alone with his mother. After the door closed shut, she sighed for the third time.  
  
“Boys don’t grow up, do they?” she chuckled.  
  
“Heh…” I cocked my head to the side, not knowing how to respond. Feeling uncomfortable standing there, I found my way to the seat again and perched there like a nervous school kid.  
  
“You’re brave.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I don’t know if I’d have followed him if he didn’t tell me where we were going. And he’s my son!” she joked.  
  
“Ah, right…” I smiled. “‘Brave’ might be a euphemism.”  
  
“He’s always been like this.” She began coughing and reached for her water cup. I quickly grabbed it and handed it to her.  
  
“Are you all right?”  
  
“I’m used to it.” She took a sip of her water, placed the cup on her lap and continued. “He runs when he’s afraid.”  
  
Past events zoomed through my mind. He didn’t want to tell me about the reason he became a nightclub host. He didn’t reveal why he didn’t like Shun because he was part of Sho-san’s past. He didn’t want to get too close or intimate with me, at least not initially. And what about his history with other women…? The Sho-san I know is confident and always in control. And yet, there was a part of me that couldn’t completely disagree with her.  
  
“That was the last photo I ever took.” She looked past me and gazed at the daisy picture on the dresser.  
  
“Why…?”  
  
She took another sip of her water and paused before she spoke again. It wasn’t to answer my question. “Do you know why you’re here today?”  
  
I could feel my eyes drying up from staring at her. “E-Excuse me?”  
  
“Knowing him, he’s probably told you close to nothing.”  
  
She was blurting out statement after statement without clarifying the meaning behind any of them. I tried my best to keep up with the conversation but my head was starting to spin. _What do you mean, “Do you know why you’re here today”? Is there a reason I’m here?_  
  
She returned her gaze toward the door. “I’ve met three of his friends since I started calling this room my home.” Her eyes then rested on me. “You’re the first woman he’s ever introduced to me.”  
  
I took a long inhale and forgot to exhale for a few seconds. My lips moved but no words came out.  
  
“He must trust you.”  
  
“…It might be the other way around,” I corrected nervously.  
  
She smiled, then cleared her throat. “I’ve been at this hospital for nearly a decade.”  
  
Simple math told me that he was 24 when she became ill. I couldn’t bring myself to ask why.  
  
“Sho has visited me at least once a week since, without fail.” She bit her lips regretfully. After a long pause, she opened her mouth again. “He blames himself for it, that’s why.”  
  
My heart felt like a rag being wrung. “Why does he think that?”  
  
“His father was an alcoholic,” she said as she looked down at her water cup. “The violent kind.”  
  
I felt the blood drain from my head as my hands and feet began to feel clammy.  
  
“One day, Sho came home after a day of taking photos and found me unconscious on the floor. He rushed me to the hospital, and I’ve been here since. I’ve always had a weak heart, but it took an incident like that to force me to see a doctor,” she chuckled.  
  
“Um…”  
  
“That photo was taken a day before that incident.” She glanced over at the dresser. “It was Sho’s birthday present for me.”  
  
I turned around to look at the photo once again. Information overload makes the human mind think of the strangest things, like how this hospital room faced west because the afternoon sun was blinding my vision. I put my hand up over my eyes to block the light, and suddenly, a question popped up in my head. It was the same question I had asked myself before.  
  
“What was your intention behind taking this photo?”  
  
“Hm?” she tilted her head, confused.  
  
“Well… I think that artists always have an intention. Otherwise, nothing would be worth creating or capturing.”  
  
She chuckled through her nose like I’ve seen her son do so many times. “You must be an artist, too.”  
  
“Hair stylist,” I clarified.  
  
“Oh, so it was you who styled Sho’s hair,” she nodded to herself like she had found the answer to her own question. “I like it.”  
  
I smiled.  
  
“The daisy doesn’t look lonely, does it?” She reversed back a topic to answer my question. “It stands alone on that desk, but it doesn’t seem fragile. In fact, the flower stands strong and proud.”  
  
“Mm-hmm.”  
  
“It’s a daily reminder that someone sees in me a resilient, vital life,” said the woman with tubes in her nose. She took a sip of her water again and cleared her throat.  
  
“Kokoro-san.”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“Do you know why you’re here today?”  
  
There’s that question again. I closed my eyes for a moment, then responded nervously. “I don’t.”  
  
She peered over at the door once more as if to make sure we wouldn’t be interrupted. “The only time he brings someone here to meet with me is when he’s vulnerable.”  
  
“What…?”  
  
“His guilt makes him run. I think he knows what he needs to do to overcome this guilt…” She sipped on her water again. “But he refuses to let go.”  
  
I furrowed my eyebrows, concerned and confused at the same time. “You’re saying… he wants to continue owning this sense of unjustified guilt?”  
  
“It’s a defense mechanism, I think. But he’s suffered enough. He deserves to be happy.”  
  
I felt like someone had punched the air out of my lungs. Instantly, I recalled a conversation between Sho-san and Hayato-san at the bar.  
  
_“It’s not a sin to trust yourself, Sakurai sempai. What happened to your mom isn’t your fault.”_  
  
“Sho doesn’t let a lot of people into his heart. He’s very selective.”  
  
I nodded. Before I knew it, tears were rolling down my cheeks.  
  
“I know all three of them,” she said confidently.  
  
Just then, the room door opened and the sound of a plastic bag followed. I quickly wiped my wet cheeks to rid of evidence, but I knew that he was too smart and observant to believe nothing happened. He paused briefly, but immediately looked away. In an attempt to give me time to regain composure, he deliberately shifted attention away from me.  
  
“Sorry, the usual vending machine was out of order. I had to go to a convenience store to find this.” He reached into the bag, pulled out a sports drink and held it out in front of his mother’s hands.  
  
“Thanks,” she smiled.  
  
“I got you this.” He made his way over to where I was sitting, pulled out a bottle of hot café au lait, and placed it against my cheek.  
  
“Ah! Oh… thank you.” When I grabbed the drink from his hands, he looked down at me with those warm, welcoming eyes. With a single smile, he seemed to tell me that he understood and that there was no need to explain a thing. I could feel the tears welling up again. I had no idea until moments ago that behind that inviting smile and deep within those gentle eyes, there was agony and undeserved guilt tearing him apart. The strong, confident man I thought I knew was also a broken boy who felt that he didn’t deserve the happiness given to him.  
  
\--  
  
The rest of the afternoon was filled with lighthearted conversation. I accompanied Sho-san and his mother on a walk around a nearby park. As he pushed her in her wheelchair, she mentioned that this was one of her favorite things to do, and that she only got to do it when Sho-san visited. I felt like I was intruding in on mother-son time, but she assured me that it was nice to have someone new to talk to. We returned to her room around 4:00PM. As if receiving a cue, his mother began wrapping up the conversation.  
  
“Don’t let this be the last time you bring her along.”  
  
He didn’t say anything, but nodded in her direction. Just as we were about to leave the room, she called my name. When I turned around, she was smiling.  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“Are you a sprinter?”  
  
“…Um, excuse me?” I didn’t understand her question.  
  
“Or are you more of a marathon runner?”  
  
I bit my lips and narrowed my eyes, confused. “Uh… I suppose if I had to choose between the two, I prefer the marathon.”  
  
Her reserved smiled turned into a full-out grin. “Then I guess you won’t have any trouble chasing after something trying to get away?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“And for a long period of time?” Her eyes glimmered mysteriously.  
  
“I’m… not sure what you’re trying to say.”  
  
“I’m glad I have another teammate running the same race.” She grabbed her sports drink and raised it in the air as if she were saying a toast. “See you again, Kokoro-san.”  
  
“It was my pleasure meeting you, Sakurai-san,” I bowed. As I stood there trying to decode her cryptic message, Sho-san exited the room and held the door open for me to follow.  
  
I didn’t mean to, but I uttered not a single word on our way out of the building, partly because I was still trying to figure out what his mother had meant by those questions, and partly because I now knew a very vulnerable side of Sho-san. We passed by some nurses who all seemed to know him by name. He bowed politely at each one and flashed his charming smile. I could hear murmuring behind us, followed by gasps. _They must be talking about him._ As we neared the front doors, I distinctly heard one of the nurses at the reception desk say, “Is that his… no, no way. He can do so much better than that!” _Correction: they’re talking about me._ I turned my head down and hurried out of the building after him.  
  
When we returned to his car, he opened the passenger seat door waited for me to climb inside.  
  
“Oh… thanks.” My mind was clearly elsewhere.  
  
“Hey.” Of course, he knew that already. As usual.  
  
I wanted to say something. Actually, I was full of things to say. And yet, I found myself creaking underneath the weight of all that had happened in the past several hours that words escaped me. Instead, these emotions surfaced as teardrops rolling down my cheeks.  
  
“Sho-san…” I gripped tightly onto his sleeve.  
  
Instantly, he used his free arm to grab my shoulder and pulled me in. My cheeks hit the meaty part of his chest, and I could hear the firm beating of his heart. I could make out his deltoid muscle rising underneath his shirt as I felt his arm embrace me even tighter. My nose caught a scent of his cologne as he buried his nose into my hair.  
  
“Those nurses like to gossip. Don’t let their words affect you.” His voice was breathy and low.  
  
I shook my head. “No…” I sighed. “No…!”  
  
Taken aback, he pulled away and brought his arm back down to his side.  
  
“I don’t care what strangers think of me.” I wiped the tears with the palm of my hand. “Why…? Why won’t you let yourself be happy?”  
  
Understanding the meaning behind my tears, he let out a heavy sigh and scratched the back of his neck. Perhaps he was thinking about avoiding this conversation altogether. But, I couldn’t. Now aware of what pain lies beneath his façade, seeing him smile hurt.  
  
“You don’t get it, do you?” It was a first; his voice had a slight edge.  
  
“Get what? How should I know if you don’t tell me anything?”  
  
He glanced at me from the corner of his eyes. “Do you know why you’re here today?”  
  
_There’s that question again._  
I did my best to give him an honest and educated guess. “So your mother could tell me about a past that’s still haunting you.”  
  
He cast his eyes down as a fragile expression overtook him. His eyelashes fluttered like dandelion feathers carried up by the wind. I watched as he shook his head side-to-side, disappointment on his face. _Did I hurt him with my words? Should I have kept this a secret?_ I wished he’d say something.  
  
“What’s the one promise you made with me?” He finally spoke.  
  
“To trust you,” I responded without hesitation.  
  
“Then, why are you breaking that promise?”  
  
“…What?” My heart began to race. _Why would he say that? How did I break it?_  
  
“You told me it was important to you that you knew why I became a nightclub host.”  
  
“I did, yes.”  
  
“Why would my mom divulging my past help answer that question for you? Did you find the answer you were looking for through speaking with her?”  
  
My eyes shifted nervously. He was right. Unable to respond, I exhaled deeply to calm my heartrate.  
  
“How do you think she gets cared for?”  
  
I gasped. Why didn’t I realize it earlier?  
  
Sho-san tipped his head side to side to crack his neck. “You get it now?”  
  
My hand had covered my mouth in an attempt to hide my surprise. I gave him a feeble nod, then sorted the story out in my head. Ten years ago, his mother fell ill. His family was unable to pay for her medical expenses, so he became a nightclub host to earn a steady income. _Wait._ Before that, he had worked as a bartender, I remembered. So, did he change professions because he could make more money as a host? But his home, his way of life… it’s far more luxurious than a life I’ve ever known. Does that mean he no longer has to worry about money? What about his dream of becoming a photographer? How does that fit into all this? My head began to hurt from all the questions.  
  
“It had to be you.” His voice suddenly became sweet and forgiving.  
  
I stared into his mysterious eyes and waited for clarification.  
  
He chuckled to himself and scratched his head, almost looking like he wished he didn’t have to clarify himself any further. “You know, this is my first attempt at trying to forgive myself.”  
  
“What…?”  
  
_“You’re the first woman who’s made me feel like I deserve to be happy.”_  
  
As his words from that night spun around in my head, it finally hit me. _He believes that I can free him from his painful past._ The weight of my revelation sunk like an anchor attached to my feet. Suddenly, this all made sense. My head began to spin and I felt like I was hyperventilating. I felt like my legs were giving way as I lost balance and began falling toward the car.  
  
“Kokoro-san…!” His arms swung behind me and spun me around so that my back was now leaning against the car… except that, the cold, metal surface I expected didn’t come. Instead, I felt one hand on my lower back and another at the back of my head. When he slowly let go, he let out a sigh of relief.  
  
“Is it too much?”  
  
“…Hm?” I could barely hear myself. My heart was racing from how close his body was to mine, and I didn’t understand the question.  
  
“The… responsibility of being my catalyst. If you feel uncomfortable in any way, you have to let me know. I don’t want to burden you.” His beautiful, brown eyes swayed worriedly.  
  
I stared back at him, eyes brimming with tears. “_You_ don’t get it, do you?” I blurted the same question he asked me earlier.  
  
“Huh…?” His eyes opened wide in surprise.  
  
“What took you so long…” I slapped his arm weakly.  
  
He blinked slowly, holding onto every word.  
  
“Besides...” I continued, “How would the equation make sense without your catalyst?” I slapped him again, this time with even less strength. My hand slid down his arm as my fingers feebly held on to the cuff of his sleeve.  
  
Then, I heard a soft chuckle. When I looked into his face, his eyes fluttered endearingly and his mouth formed a gentle curve as his teeth peeked from behind them. There were wrinkles at the edges of his eyes and it seemed that he was sincerely smiling.  
  
“I knew it,” he said as he pulled me into his arms and held me tightly. “I was right.”  
  
“About what?” I brought my arms to his back and clung to his shirt.  
  
“It has to be you.”  
  
I smiled as I inhaled the scent of his cologne. “Your catalyst.”  
  
“My Kokoro-san.”  
  
He loosened his embrace and with one hand, combed through my hair. With his thumb, he traced my lips. Seeing his eyelashes turn downward, I closed my eyes. A soft, loving kiss tickled my senses. He lingered for a few seconds, then opened his eyes and combed my hair again.  
  
“Salty,” he said as he licked his lips and wiped my tears with the back of his fingers.  
  
“Heh,” I chuckled. “Whose fault is that?”  
  
He smiled back, then placed a hand on the open passenger seat door and shifted his weight onto one leg. “Come on. I have one more place to take you before I have to head to work.”  
  
I hesitated for a second. “…It’s not another hospital, is it?”  
  
The corner of his mouth curled as he fought to keep a chuckle from escaping his lips. “You’ll know in a bit.”  
  
My jaw dropped in disbelief. “I’m not going to get into this car unless you tell me!” I puffed out my cheeks.  
  
He laughed through his nose and tilted his head flirtatiously. “Do as you please. But don’t get mad at me when I make you a Sidecar and you’re not there to enjoy it.” He began to walk toward the driver’s side of the car.  
  
“Wh…!!” I hurried in and shut the door.  
  
He took his time opening his own door and sat down slowly, stifling a smirk the whole time. “Look who’s eager to spend time with me all of a sudden.”  
  
I stuck out my lips defiantly.  
  
He started the car and we were off. Unlike the ride to the hospital, this time and space felt more comfortable. We had stepped out of our own comfort zones. Becoming vulnerable for someone is terrifying, but I didn’t know how freeing it could feel as well. As I took in the scenery from the passenger window, I began to recognize buildings and roads. When we turned a corner to park his car, I realized where he was taking me. I couldn’t keep from smiling.  
  
“It’s been a while,” Sho-san chuckled.  
  
I nodded and excitedly exited the car. After following him down a narrow, downhill pathway, he opened the door and stepped inside.  
  
"Welcome, Sakurai-san, Kokoro-san." Yamashiro-san greeted us with his usual, friendly tone.  
  
I followed Sho-san until we were at the end of the bar counter. He pulled out a seat and gestured for me to sit. Hayato-san peeked out from the kitchen and gave me a wave. I smiled. It was good to be back here again.  
  
"Hayato," Sho-san called out.  
  
"Sakurai sempai! Long time, no see." He wiped his wet hands on his apron.  
  
"Could we see a food menu?"  
  
Hayato-san's face beamed. "Of course!" He pulled out a cloth-bound folder from under the bar counter and opened it in front of us. "We got a shipment of fresh shrimp so I recommend the ceviche."  
  
I watched Hayato-san as he explained the dish. "Do you cook everything on this menu?"  
  
"I do!" he replied excitedly. "Yamashiro-san has been kind enough to let me experiment with the seasonal menu. But, I owe all this to Sakurai sempai."  
  
"Hm?" I tilted my head toward Sho-san who was busy perusing the menu.  
  
"If he didn't put in a good word for me, I would still be stuck cleaning glasses."  
  
"Hey, that's a very important task as a bartender," Yamashiro-san chimed in playfully.  
  
I giggled. "Yamashiro-san didn't know you're a mean cook?"  
  
"Well, it started as a way to thank Yamashiro-san and Sakurai sempai for taking me under their wing," Hayato-san explained. "But sempai suggested that a seasonal food menu would give this bar an edge against our competition."  
  
"He's got the talent. I just happened to be the one who gave him that extra push, that's all." Sho-san finally looked up from the menu and faced me.  
  
"I'm an orphan. I don't have any siblings and I've never seen my parent's faces." A thankful smile crossed Hayato-san's face. "So, Sakurai sempai is like the big brother I wished I had. You could say I owe him my life."  
  
_Wait... Where have I heard that before?_  
  
Sho-san began ordering several things for the both of us, then turned toward me again.  
  
"And what will you be drinking, Kokoro-san?" he asked in his host club tone.  
  
"Is this some sort of trick question?” I narrowed my eyes and looked at him with skepticism.  
  
He touched his nose with his forefinger and gazed back at me. _Stop it. You’re putting me under your spell, aren’t you?_ He got up from his seat and stepped into the bar. A punch of cognac tickled my nostrils as the citrus scents fluttered about. My eyes watched his every move: the flick of the stirrer, the twist of the citrus wedge, his fingers as they held the base of the glass to slide the drink toward me.  
  
"It's not polite to stare," he teased.  
  
I heard Hayato-san chuckle. When I looked his way, he shook his head as he placed the menu back behind the counter.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he apologized. “It’s just that…” His eyes moved back and forth between Sho-san and me.  
  
“You’re observant,” Sho-san commended without looking at Hayato-san. “That’s a must if you’re a bartender.”  
  
“Thank you, sempai.”  
  
“Wait…” I pouted. “Are you two making fun of me?”  
  
Hayato-san smiled. “Kokoro-san.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Did something happen since the last time you two visited?” He raised his eyebrows knowingly.  
  
“Ah!” I gasped. I felt my cheeks burning up and looked away.  
  
“I thought so,” Hayato-san nodded. “This is big news.”  
  
Sho-san smiled gently, eyes downcast. _Is he blushing…?_  
  
“Congratulations, Sakurai sempai!”  
  
Hearing this, Yamashiro-san peeked over at Sho-san for a moment and smiled to himself. Clearly, I was the only one taken by surprise.  
  
I looked at Hayato-san in complete awe. “H-How did you know?”  
  
He stuck out his lips confidently and glanced over at Sho-san. “I learn from the best.” He then scurried back into the kitchen to prepare our order.  
  
Sho-san made his way back to the other side of the counter and sat down with a glass of bourbon. He seemed completely unfazed by what had just happened. Perhaps that shy smile earlier was just another one of his smirks. The orange lighting must be messing with my vision, I thought. As I held the amber drink in my hand, it suddenly hit me.  
  
"Maki-chan!!" I exclaimed.  
  
He looked at me with wide eyes. "Hm? Maki-chan?"  
  
"I knew I had heard someone say that before!”  
  
“Say what?” he chuckled, amused at my memory.  
  
“‘You could say I owe him my life’,” I repeated. “When I met Maki-chan, she said the same thing to me.”  
  
He took a sip of his drink and licked his lips. “She said that?”  
  
I nodded, but it was then I realized that she and I had talked personal matters. Perhaps it wasn’t my place to tell him, I thought. But, it was he who continued the conversation.  
  
“She told you about Shun, I presume?”  
  
I pinched my lips with my nails nervously. “Yeah.”  
  
He nodded and placed his drink back on the counter. “She’s giving me too much credit,” he stated.  
  
“It’s not something I’d easily blurt out, at least.” My drink glimmered like a precious jewel. “She must mean it.”  
  
He stared at the liquor selection lining the wall behind the counter. “I just can’t stand guys who can’t see a woman’s worth, that’s all.” His voice was low and his breath smelled like the sugars dissipating from his bourbon.  
  
“Can I ask you a question?”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“Here we are, the shrimp ceviche and the balsamic bruschetta. The buttered clams and lamb chops should be done in a little bit.” As Hayato-san placed serving dishes in front of us, he realized he had interrupted an important conversation.  
  
“I’m sorry. I just did the worst thing a bartender can do,” he said apologetically.  
  
“That’s okay,” I assured. “Wow! Smells great!”  
  
Hayato-san bowed modestly. He was about to head back into the kitchen when Sho-san invited him into our conversation with a question.  
  
“Aren’t you going to hear Kokoro-san’s famous food analysis?”  
  
I glared at him from the corner of my eyes and puffed out my cheeks. Both he and Hayato-san burst into laughter.  
  
“How could I forget?” Hayato-san bubbled with enthusiasm.  
  
I expected Sho-san to continue the teasing game with some witty remark, so I furrowed my eyes as I turned my body to scowl at him. But the man who reflected in my eyes distracted my train of thought. With his elbow on the counter and chin resting on his fingers, he was smiling at me as if he were looking at something irreplaceable. _Wait. I’m supposed to me mad at you. I had an important question to ask you._ I felt myself losing the fight again. When I sighed, he raised his eyebrows and gazed at me innocently. There was no use trying to win.  
  
“Fine,” I complained. “But you better be taking notes, because it’s going to be on the quiz.”  
  
Hayato-san giggled and held an invisible pen and notepad in the air. “I’m ready.”  
  
\--  
  
“You didn’t have to walk me to the door.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
After we left Yamashiro-san’s bar, Sho-san drove me back home before work. I insisted that he could just drop me off in front of the building, but that wasn’t his style. He parked the car temporarily in the guest parking lot and walked me to the front doors of my apartment building.  
  
“Have a good day at work,” I said as I fidgeted around my purse for my keys. “And thanks for introducing me to your mom today.”  
  
“Hey.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Thanks.”  
  
“…For what?”  
  
“For trusting me.” His forefinger gently moved my bangs away from my eyes.  
  
I remembered something and smiled. “Did you know your mom thought I was brave?”  
  
“What, for coming with me?”  
  
“Yeah. I told her that’s a euphemism.”  
  
“Ah, for ‘crazy’?” he chuckled.  
  
I laughed and nodded in agreement.  
  
“You might be right,” he pondered. “I’m not sure if any sane person would be cut out for the role of the catalyst.”  
  
“…Are you calling me insane?” I furrowed my eyebrows playfully.  
  
“You have to be to be with me.” He cradled the back of my head with his hand and planted his soft, buoyant lips on mine. His other hand pulled me in closer at the waist as his tongue flirted and tickled my lips.  
  
“Mm…”  
  
He forcibly broke the kiss and bit his lower lip apologetically. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Because I won’t be able to control myself,” he sighed passionately.  
  
My cheeks burned from the blood rising to my face. I felt like his marionette. His every move and every word could determine my next move.  
  
He stroked my arm. “I have an idea.”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“Let’s go on a trip.”  
  
“A trip? Where?”  
  
“I have a few suggestions.” His face lit up excitedly.  
  
“I’d love that.”  
  
“We can talk about it later. Good night, Kokoro-san.”  
  
His lips landed softly on my forehead before he urged me to get inside. Just like the first night he walked me home, he waited outside the glass doors until I got on the elevator. I raised my hand shyly to wave him good night. He smiled and showed the palm of his hand as the elevator doors closed shut.  
  
Today was a long day. A lot had happened. But I realized something important: I felt like I finally understood him. The warmth of his kiss lingered on my forehead as I opened the door to my apartment. _What have you signed yourself up for, Kokoro?_ I didn’t have all the answers, but I wanted to believe that I had seen the light at the end of his dark, lonely tunnel.


	16. The Master Decoder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Kokoro's name means 'heart' in Japanese.

Seasons had passed since that summer night I first met Sho-san. He mentioned that he wanted to plan a trip for us, but with the end of the year workload, we both couldn’t find time to take off for more than a day or two at a time. “Where do you want to go?” he had asked me. I was never fond of winters. If I could help it, I preferred to stay indoors where I could keep warm. But, what would be the point of a trip if all we did was stay inside? So, I researched a few places and gave him an answer.  
  
“Snowboarding?” He looked at me a bit surprised as he took a spoonful of curry and filled his cheeks. It was our once a week dinner date and he was even hungrier than usual. He cleaned the side of his mouth with his thumb and gave it a lick.  
  
I nodded. “I’ve never been, but it looks fun and you can only hit the slopes this time of year, right?” I wanted to enjoy something seasonal with him, and for a homebody like me, snow was what I associated with winter.  
  
He cleaned his palate with a glass of water. “Sounds like fun.”  
  
“If we can find time to go before the season ends, that is,” I joked in an effort to keep things lighthearted. The last thing I wanted was for him to feel forced or pressured to take time off work to be with me. It’s not like we purposefully put this vacation off, but it had been a few months since the idea first popped into our heads. Before we knew it, two seasons had passed by. I was happy just enjoying the days we spent together that big events weren’t necessary, anyway.  
  
“Would you be okay with an overnight trip?” His eyebrows curled downward apologetically. “I’d rather be able to go than wait for a time we can take a chunk of time off.”  
  
I scooped up a bite of my soup curry and wiped my mouth with a napkin. “I agree. It’s going to be a fun trip regardless.”  
  
He chuckled and rested his cheek on his fist. “You’re so easy to please.”  
  
“I’m a cheap date,” I joked.  
  
He took another sip of his water and watched me eat for a few moments. Then, in a low, gentle voice, he confessed, “That’s what makes me want to spoil you, though.”  
  
My chewing slowed for a few seconds. When I looked away shyly, he gave a hearty laugh and said, “See what I mean?”  
  
“Stop it,” I mumbled as I hid my rosy cheeks with my hands.  
  
“How about the 24th?”  
  
“Of this month?” I asked surprised.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
I took out my planner from my purse and glanced at the calendar. January 24th was a Tuesday. Perfect, I thought. That way, I’ll only have to request a day off of work. I closed the planner and placed it back in my purse.  
  
“I thought it might be a good anniversary trip,” he said casually.  
  
“…Excuse me?”  
  
He scratched the top of his nose. “I’m not surprised. You’ve never struck me as a woman who celebrates anniversaries.”  
  
“Wait, hold on,” I panicked a little. “What anniversary?”  
  
“July 25th.”  
  
_July 25th?_ Nothing was ringing a bell.  
  
“Your first visit to Akatsuki.” He took another bite of his curry.  
  
I fidgeted nervously with the hem of my cardigan. That means we’ve known each other for six months already? I hadn’t been keeping track. “You remember that?”  
  
“How could I forget? I mean, a first-time client introducing herself to me as ’33’? You don’t forget something like that,” he laughed.  
  
I could tell my ears were starting to burn with embarrassment. “I regret asking that question.”  
  
“Plus, you’re special.”  
  
“Are you trying to make up for your previous statement?” I eyed him suspiciously.  
  
“I only mix drinks that my clients order. If they don’t know what they want, I don’t make them anything.”  
  
“…Doesn’t that hinder business?” A nightclub host’s job is to encourage his patrons to spend money. His tactic didn’t make any sense.  
  
“No, because I don’t pay them any attention unless they start drinking.”  
  
I shook my head in disbelief. “Wow, so calculative…”  
  
“It’s my job,” he replied indifferently. “But you? Do you remember what you ordered that night?”  
  
“A Sidecar.”  
  
He shook his head, but a warm smile crossed his face. “Actually, you ordered a gin and tonic.”  
  
“No way…” I replied in disbelief. “I ordered _that_ nasty thing?”  
  
“You refused to drink anything with cognac in it,” he reminded. “But I went against my rules and made you a Sidecar.”  
  
Events from that night started to flash around in my mind. Suddenly, I remembered that I once hated even the smell of cognac, that I had indeed ordered a gin and tonic, and that Sho-san had completely ignored my wishes. Then, I realized something phenomenal. I no longer thought about Ryota. At all.  
  
“Oh, my gosh, Sho-san…”  
  
“Compatibility is everything.” He picked up his water glass, raised it toward me, and waited. “Right?”  
  
Startled, my mind couldn’t quite comprehend. He brought my water glass and placed it in my hand. I grabbed it and mimicked him.  
  
_Clink._  
  
“Heh…” I blushed. It’s like he could read my mind.  
  
“It’s also my birthday,” he said casually. He then waved down a server to ask for more water, and took another big bite of his curry rice.  
  
I almost dropped my spoon. “It’s what?”  
  
“Do those dates work?” he asked as if he hadn’t heard my question.  
  
“It’s your birthday?”  
  
He scratched his well-groomed eyebrows and finished his bite. “The 25th? It’s just another day in the calendar.”  
  
“Why didn’t you tell me?!”  
  
“I just did.”  
  
_Is he trying to frustrate me?_  
“That’s not nice. You’ve known my birthday all this time and you never told me yours.”  
  
“You didn’t ask,” he challenged.  
  
“You didn’t eit…” My rebuttal fizzled out as I bit my lower lip to silence myself. I recalled the story Reiko told me about the time Sho-san waited for me to arrive at Akatsuki.  
  
“Exactly.” The corner of his lips curled flirtatiously as his raised eyebrows told the rest of the story.  
  
“Sorry…” I pouted.  
  
“It’s just another day in the calendar,” he repeated and smiled. “No need to apologize.”  
  
We both finished our meals and headed to our usual café. We stumbled upon it about a month ago and started calling it “our café.” He’d let me pick a seat while he got in line to order our usual: a medium roast drip coffee for him, and a vanilla latte for me. Most of the time, it’s these little joys that make a relationship. While he waited for the order at the counter, I pondered possible gift ideas. A necktie? He has so many already. Home décor? I don’t want to force my aesthetic taste on him. Shoes? What if they don’t fit? I let out a sigh. Shopping for Sho-san was going to be tougher than I thought. And yet, considering his indifference for his own birthday, I understood that him divulging that information was another act of kindness. He knew that I would feel horrible if I somehow found out later that it was his birthday during our vacation. He knew that I’d want to give him something. _Who wants to spoil whom now?_ My time limit? Two weeks.  
  
\--  
  
_“I’ll pick you up at 7:00AM tomorrow. Wear layers!”_  
  
In the days leading to the trip, he gave me tips on what to bring and what to wear. There’s always a first time for everything, but I had no idea that snowboarding required so much gear. He assured me that we’d be able to rent everything on site. So, other than buying ski pants and a down jacket, I didn’t ready anything else. “Leave the planning to me,” he had said. Knowing very little about snowboarding, I gladly took him up on the offer. It was 9:00PM and I received his message just as I was finished packing.  
  
_“Really excited for tomorrow! Good night.”_  
  
During one of our girls’ night out recently, Reiko shook her head at me for writing curt text messages. When I defended otherwise, she suggested that I at least use emojis every now and then. When I asked why, she replied, “Don’t you want Sakurai-san to know he’s special to you?” The thing is, though, we’re all creatures of habit. The only emoji I’ve used in the past few years was a thumbs up to mean “okay.” Sure, pink hearts and twinkly eyes are cute, but I wouldn’t be caught dead using those. Still, Reiko’s words echoed inside my head and clouded my judgment. I didn’t know what had taken a hold me.  
  
_“❤”_  
  
After I hit ‘send,’ I realized what I had done and wanted to delete the message. Maybe he’s too busy to check it right away, I thought. There’s still time. I unlocked my phone to rid of the evidence. But, it was too late.  
  
_“You were thinking of deleting it, weren’t you?”_  
  
I sighed. _"Pretend you never saw it!"_  
  
_“It’s a shame I can’t see your blushing face through the screen.”_  
  
Reiko, I’m going to kill you…!  
  
_“Thanks. It made me smile.”_  
  
And just like that, he had me in the palm of his hand. I found myself thanking Reiko instead. My fingers moved with a mind of their own.  
  
_“❤”_  
  
At age 33, I finally sent my first heart emoji, not because I was forced, not because I had a gun to my head, but because I genuinely wanted to. Because I wanted to make him smile. I didn’t think I had that in me, this kind of girly side. There was no denying that Sho-san was changing me, decoding parts of me I didn’t even think I had.  
  
\--  
  
Excitement is a great alarm clock. I woke up before my alarm at 5:30AM and started making onigiri for us to eat in the car. Knowing him, he probably won’t eat any breakfast. Imagining him stuffing his cheeks with rice made me smile and made the effort more than worth it. After packing the breakfast and fixing my hair in a side braid, I checked for the nth time to make sure his birthday present was inside my luggage. _I hope he’ll like it._  
  
_Bzzzz-buzzzz._  
I checked my phone.  
  
_“Meet you outside in 5?”_  
  
_6:45AM._ He was always on time. I grabbed my keys and belongings and headed for the elevator. I thought I’d get there before he did, but it seemed like he had already been there for the past ten minutes. He was leaning against the car like a magazine cutout, looking as suave as ever. A charcoal brown, hooded peacoat, faded jeans, and a gray scarf around his neck. When he spotted me walking out of the building doors, he jogged over and snatched my luggage from my hand.  
  
“Ready? You look cute.” He pinched the puffy, down jacket with his fingers and smiled.  
  
“Are you snowboarding in that?” That’s not what I wanted to say. I wanted to say, _“Please don’t wear that when we snowboard, I won’t be able to concentrate!”_ But of course, that’s not what came out of my mouth.  
  
“Snowboarding in jeans would suck,” he laughed. “My clothes are in the trunk.”  
  
He opened the passenger seat door first so that I could sit inside the warm car while he placed my belongings in the back. Once we were both situated, he put on his seatbelt and noticed that I was holding two bags on my lap.  
  
“Did you want to put that in the back?” he asked as he reached for the bags.  
  
“Actually… I made breakfast for us.”  
  
His opened his eyes widely and stared. “Are you serious?”  
  
“Yeah, it’s not anything incredible. I just made something with what I had.” I took out the bento box and opened the lid. Inside were six rice balls, all different kinds for variety. He didn’t say anything, but simply stared at the food on my lap.  
  
“U-Uh, you don’t have to eat it. I made them just in case you were hungry.”  
  
When I looked up nervously, he also looked up. On his face was the brightest smile I had ever seen.  
  
“Thank you, Kokoro-san!” He reached his beautiful hand toward the box. “Can I have one?”  
  
My toes curled inside my shoes. “Oh course!” I giggled. “This one is pickled plum, this one is salmon, this one is—”  
  
“Wait… they’re all different?” His jaw dropped in disbelief.  
  
“I only made rice balls, so I didn’t want you to get bored with the same flavor.”  
  
He touched his nose shyly and scratched his temple. “Wow.”  
  
“You know, Ajinomoto makes these rice ball mixes now. They come in packets, how convenient is that?” I pointed to two of them to identify which ones I had made with the mix.  
  
“Which one would you recommend?”  
  
“The salmon and white sesame seed. I used fresh fish, so it should be fatty and tender.”  
  
“Then, I’ll take that one.”  
  
I grabbed the rice ball from the box. To make eating convenient in the car, I wrapped them individually with saran wrap. That way, the onigiri wouldn’t stick to each other and his hands wouldn’t get dirty. I partially undid the wrap so he could eat it right away.  
  
“It smells really good,” he complimented. He steered the car toward the highway before he took a bite.  
  
I was glad I made the rice balls slightly bigger than I’m used to, because his first bite was big enough to fill one of his cheeks completely. The more he chewed, the larger his eyes became. Then, he narrowed them as his cheekbones rose and a satisfied smile crossed his face.  
  
_There it is. This is my favorite Sho-san, and I get to have him all to myself._  
  
“How is it?” I asked with a smile on my face.  
  
“Sooo good!” In his excitement, he had barely swallowed his first bite before he replied.  
  
I covered my mouth with my hands and giggled. “You make everything look yummy.”  
  
“Have a bite.” He reached his arm out toward me but kept his eyes on the road. I didn’t get to taste test it while I made them, so I took a small bite to make sure it turned out okay.  
  
I smiled and gave a thumbs up. “Not bad.”  
  
He gasped as if I had offended him, and retracted the onigiri back toward him. “Fine by me. If you’re not going to eat them, I will!” His second bite was even bigger than his first. In fact, it was too big. Both his cheeks puffed out and some sesame seeds planted themselves on the side of his mouth. It was so endearing to see him eat that I couldn’t stop laughing. I thought he had some sort of superpower; before I knew it, cooking had become my favorite household chore.  
  
\--  
  
We had been on the road for about three hours when we arrived at the slopes. He ended up having four rice balls. I had also packed a thermal with hot tea in it, and we finished that, too. After parking his car, he grabbed his snowboarding clothes and went to the bathroom to go change. I looked around and a world of snow welcomed me. The powdery snow glimmered in the sunlight and looked like a bed of diamonds. _Wow…_ The view was breathtaking.  
  
“It’s the perfect day to snowboard.” I heard his voice behind me. When I turned around, he placed his hand just above his eyes and looked out into the distance. Black snow pants, a thermal turtleneck, and a blue and white snow jacket. He grabbed something from his armpits and handed it to me.  
  
“Gloves!” I exclaimed.  
  
“Don’t want you to freeze your hands off,” he chuckled. “They might be a little big, though, since they’re my spares.”  
  
I tried them on. Sure enough, there was quite a bit of room at the tip of my fingers. Even though I had gotten used to how his masculine hands made mine feel small, these gloves served as reminders that I was protected and cared for. I wiggled my fingers at him as if to say hello.  
  
“Let’s get our gear.” He reached his hand out, grabbed mine, and began walking toward the rental booth. We should always go on trips on weekdays, I thought. There were only a few people in front of us, and they assisted us rather quickly. He carried his snowboard under one arm and mine in the other. In previous relationships, it was all about the chase. Once the guys had me, they’d eventually lose interest, forgoing kind gestures. But Sho-san was different.  
  
“Here.” He put my snowboard down on the snow, reached for my hand, and placed it on his shoulder. “Take your foot and snap the boot onto the board.”  
  
_See?_ He was different. I grabbed his shoulder for balance and stepped on the board until I heard a click.  
  
“You’re going to walk with that board on one leg, so try moving around to get used to the extra weight.”  
  
He placed his board down and watched me move around. “How is it?”  
  
“It’s…difficult.” I wobbled toward him and grabbed his arm.  
  
“We’ll take it easy,” he assured. “Let me teach you how to stop.”  
  
He held both my hands as he taught me how to shift my weight on the board so that I could turn, and most importantly, come to a stop. My legs felt shaky and I wasn’t moving the way I wanted to, but after a few attempts, I was able to steer enough to become perpendicular with the slope and come to a stop.  
  
“If all else fails, make sure you fall back on your butt instead of trying to catch yourself with your limbs.”  
  
“Okay.” I was getting nervous. I’m going to make a fool out of myself, I thought.  
  
“Don’t worry, it’s going to be fun.” He squeezed my hand for encouragement. “Oh. I almost forgot.”  
  
He let go of my hand, opened his down jacket, and reached in. I tilted my head curiously. For a second, I saw something yellow. Next thing I knew, I felt something warm and soft covering my head.  
  
“Don’t want you to get cold,” he said as he fixed my bangs.  
  
I reached for it with my hands. It felt like a cloud, soft and poofy. At the top was a pom-pom. “A… beanie?”  
  
“I know you like yellow,” he nodded and played with the pom-pom. “It’s yours to keep.” The warmth I felt was not merely a physical one.  
  
“Thank you,” I beamed.  
  
“I’ve got one, too.” He pulled out a dark red beanie and put it on. His long bangs covered his eyes until he swept them to the side. It amazed me how he could look good in anything.  
  
We made our way to the ski lift. The staff member could tell it was my first time, so he instructed me on how to get on. When the lift arrived, I let the seat come to me as I leaned against the backrest. It felt like I was floating above a winter wonderland. Everything underneath us was white, and the trees, too, were covered in snow. With not a cloud in the sky, there was no place I’d rather be.  
  
“Sho-san, this is amazing!” I turned to share my excitement. _Hm?_ Something didn’t seem right. “Sho-san…?”  
  
A hand clung tightly to the safety bars in front of us, and he kept his gaze on one place: the end of the ride. His other hand rested on his lap, but I could see tiny movements inside his gloves. _Could it be…_  
  
“Are you afraid of heights, Sho-san?”  
  
He closed his eyes as he grinned anxiously and nodded.  
  
“Oh, my gosh! Why didn’t you tell me? I would have suggested something else to do.” I grabbed the hand on his lap.  
  
“I wanted to plan a trip you’d enjoy,” he finally spoke. “Besides, once I slide down, I’ll remember how fun it is and it’ll bother me less.”  
  
In every gesture, there was purpose and kindness. I felt overwhelmed by my feelings for him and squeezed his hand a little too tightly.  
  
“The way you’re holding my hand makes me think you’re the one afraid of heights,” he joked.  
  
I released my grip but left my hands resting on his. Before long, we had reached the top of the beginner’s hill. With great effort and help from receiving staff, I managed to step off the lift without any trouble.  
  
“Nervous?”  
  
It seemed that he could read my thoughts. “A little.”  
  
There were less people there comparatively to a weekend, but it was populated enough for him to take my hand and lead me to the edge of the hill to avoid the crowd. I knew that he specifically did this so that I would have one less thing to worry about. Again, his kindness had purpose.  
  
“I’ll go down first so just follow me, okay?” He let go of my hands.  
  
“Okay.” Determined, I made fists in front of my chest.  
  
He giggled, then slid down slowly and placed his weight on his toes, drawing a gentle curve before a halt. “Can you try sliding down to me?” He stuck out his arm.  
  
For some reason, that gave me courage. _I can do it…!_ I buckled my other boot down and turned the snowboard toward him. It began to pick up speed quickly. “Shift your weight toward your heels,” I heard him say. But my mind couldn’t differentiate properly. Though I meant to do as he said, my body decided to shift its weight toward my toes. I began turning rapidly. In an effort to stop spinning, I straightened myself out again… which in turn had me speeding down the slope.  
  
“Ahhh…!” I tried my best to stop myself by shifting my weight on the board, but all I ended up making were quick turns. _How do I stop if I can’t control the board?_ I rummaged around in my panicked head for the answer. That’s right! _“If all else fails, make sure you fall back on your butt instead of trying to catch yourself with your limbs.”_  
  
Next thing I knew, I had shifted my weight toward my heels… and _poof._ Like a soft cushion, the powdery snow caught my fall. I sat there for a few moments unable to understand completely what had just happened.  
  
“Kokoro-san, stay there!”  
  
I heard him calling from a distance, so I turned my head toward his voice. He was already halfway down the beginner’s hill, drawing gentle curves in the snow. I had no idea he was this good. Before long, he had parked himself in front of me, knees bent in the snow and resting toward me. After making sure I wasn’t hurt, he covered his mouth with his glove and started chuckling.  
  
“Hi there, ballerina.”  
  
“Meanie,” I pouted.  
  
With an expression that seemed to say, ‘Try calling me that after this,’ he unbuckled one of my feet, stood up, reached his hand out, and pulled me up. He patted the snow off from my backside and peered into my face with his eyebrows raised.  
  
“You were saying?”  
  
_I give up. You win._  
  
\--  
  
After a few hours, excitement outweighed fear. I finally seemed to get the hang of things, falling less and managing to take smoother turns. The sun was tilting slightly to the west now. At the bottom of the beginner’s slope, Sho-san took off his beanie and turned his head upside down before he combed his hair back. It was the right balance of messy and groomed, with the top of his head flat from the beanie but the ends playfully curling in different directions.  
  
“I’m hungry,” he chuckled.  
  
“Me, too!” I gave my tummy a pat.  
  
And so, it was a late lunch for us. He drove us out another 30 minutes or so until we reached a restaurant attached to a Japanese-style hotel. An employee escorted us to a table. The smell of tatami filled the dining area as our feet made scuffing noises underneath us.  
  
“Wow, this is so cozy,” I smiled as I took off my jacket. He immediately reached for it and hung it up on the hanger next to our table. Then, he removed his own and did the same.  
  
“Yeah, I heard about this place on TV once. They cook their vegetables in natural hot springs.”  
  
“You can cook stuff in hot springs?!” I replied, shocked.  
  
He nodded. “People can’t go in them, though. It’s too hot for humans.”  
  
I giggled. Traveling with Sho-san was so much fun, and I was learning so many new things. We both ordered the lunch special set and sipped on hot tea while we waited for our food.  
  
“What are we doing the rest of the day?” I asked.  
  
“Well, it’s a bit of a drive to our hotel, so maybe we can spend some time around here before heading out?”  
  
“Sure,” I nodded.  
  
He was complimenting me on how I was a natural snowboarder when the food arrived. One look at the spread and I couldn’t stop drooling.  
  
“Dig in,” he smiled.  
  
I picked up a piece of napa cabbage and after several chews, darted a glance at him. “Oh, my…”  
  
He was watching me eat with his cheek resting on his fist. “You really make anything look appetizing.”  
  
I shook my head vigorously. “No, I’m serious. You _have_ to try it!”  
  
“You aren’t going to give me a dissertation on it?” he smirked.  
  
“…I’ll let it speak for itself,” I pouted, but not for long. I took another bite and I was in heaven again.  
  
Unlike my modest bites, he picked up a few pieces at once and stuffed his cheeks. His big, round eyes grew even bigger as he cleaned his lips with his middle finger. “Wow!”  
  
_There’s my favorite Sho-san again._ I flashed a bright smile and took my next bite.  
  
Soon, our stomachs were satisfied and it was time to head out. He reached for my jacket first and helped me put it on before grabbing his and hanging it over his left arm. Once we were back in the car, food coma struck and the next thing I could remember was pulling into the parking lot of our hotel.  
  
I covered my face with my hands. “Oh, no… I did it again!”  
  
“You must be tired from the snowboarding.” His voice was gentle as he pet my head and played with the pom-pom on my beanie. “Let’s go.”  
  
“Wait, you said you wanted to spend some time looking around the area…”  
  
“That’s okay. I want this trip to be relaxing for you.” He got out first to grab our luggage from the trunk.  
  
I felt horrible. Knowing Sho-san, he must have had something planned._I ruined his plans._ “I’m sorry.”  
  
“For what?” He turned around and tipped his head to one direction, confused.  
  
“For falling asleep…”  
  
He simply chuckled and continued toward the hotel. After reaching the entrance, an older woman in a kimono greeted us with slippers and escorted us to the lobby desk.  
  
“The reservation should be under ‘Sakurai’.” Like clockwork, he reached into his pocket, retrieved his wallet, and held it in his hand as the staff fetched our information.  
  
“Sakurai Sho-sama, thank you for waiting. Here are your room keys. Kondo will show you to your room.”  
  
Sho-san gave a bow with his head, then let me go ahead of him down the hallway. From the layout of the doors, I could infer that each room was spacious and that maximum capacity was deliberately set low to provide privacy and a personalized experience. At the end of the hallway, we turned left to continue down another hallway until we had hit a dead end. Kondo-san bowed deeply and left.  
  
I may not be rich, but I know enough about money to know that at a hotel like this, the end rooms can get quite pricey. As usual, Sho-san seemed unfazed as he keyed into our room.  
  
“After you,” he gestured with his hand as he held the door with his other arm.  
  
A spacious tatami room greeted us, complete with a low table for eating and a large TV screen for entertainment. Sliding doors divided this room with an adjacent one. The tall windows let in the sunset and boasted the scenery outside. Stately, fir trees were covered with snow, and in the distance, you could spot the mountain ranges. I turned around to face Sho-san, unable to pick up my jaw off the ground.  
  
“Wow.” That’s all I could manage to say.  
  
“You like it?” He smiled as he put our luggage down on the floor.  
  
My head moved vertically like an idiot.  
  
“I had them push our dinner back a little bit so we can digest our late lunch,” he chuckled and sat down at the low table.  
  
I made my way back to the other room and sat down facing him. He’s never made a big deal out of his kind gestures, probably because he executes so flawlessly and naturally. But it always amazed me, the amount of effort he puts in making sure he exceeds my expectations. Now, I was a little worried that my birthday present was underwhelming.  
  
“It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a trip with someone,” he confessed.  
  
“Do you usually travel alone?”  
  
“I enjoy it. It helps me recharge my batteries.”  
  
I nodded. “I bet.”  
  
“What about you?”  
  
It took me a few moments before I could recall the last trip I had taken. “Almost two years ago,” I sighed. “It was with Juri and Reiko.”  
  
“Where did you go?”  
  
“Well, I guess it wasn’t technically a vacation. Juri was at South Korea for a conference, so we made it into an extended trip.”  
  
“Looks like we both needed this break,” he touched the hair at the nape of his neck.  
  
It wasn’t until then that I thought about this trip in that way. Sometimes, the “swing of things” becomes the only thing. Life becomes a pattern. Days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months, and before you know it, a year goes by and you have nothing to show for it. If we had waited for a more opportune time, we may have sacrificed our wellbeing at work, or worse, lost ourselves along the way. Though it was only for a night, this time with Sho-san was exactly what I needed. I hoped that he felt the same.  
  
We got caught up in conversation and didn’t realize that it was already time to eat. Dinner was a course meal with soba being the main dish, as it was a Nagano specialty. I knew Sho-san loved soba, so I snuck extra glances during dinner.  
  
“Hm?” He slurped a mouthful of soba and caught me staring.  
  
I shook my head. “Nothing,” I grinned.  
  
“You’re a terrible liar.”  
  
_You’re like a chipmunk when you eat and I’ve never seen anyone look so damn cute stuffing his mouth._ That’s what I wanted to say, but I was too bashful. So instead, I poked my tummy and changed the subject.  
  
“I’m stuffed! I need to digest this before bed. You can take a bath first, Sho-san.”  
  
“All right,” he chuckled and stood up.  
  
“I think the bathroom is that way,” I pointed.  
  
I didn’t understand what was happening for a minute. He stripped himself of his sweater and undershirt, and was now standing in front of me, half-naked. Looking down at me, he bit his lower lip and snickered seeing my expression.  
  
“It’s not like you haven’t seen this before,” he teased.  
  
I placed a hand over my eyes to block him out of my line of vision. “Y-Yeah, but you can’t do that without warning!”  
  
“Oh, is that why you’re blushing?” he laughed. “All right, then. I’m taking off my pants now. Is that warning enough?” I heard him unzip his snow pants.  
  
“Ahhh!!” I instinctively closed my eyes.  
  
“So, it _isn’t_ about the warnings,” he teased once more.  
  
“Sho-san…” I pouted. “This isn’t good for my heart.”  
  
“I’m not good for Kokoro-san’s kokoro?” he joked.  
  
I crossed my arms and looked away. “I’m serious…”  
  
But that’s the thing about Sho-san. Once you get him started, his teasing doesn’t stop easily. He crouched down in just a pair of boxers and got on all fours. When I looked at him with rosy cheeks, he began moving his hands and knees toward me. I slid backward onto the tatami floor and looked up at the man who was now hovering over me like he had pinned his prey.  
  
“S-Sho-san… you said you’d take a bath.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“…This is not a bath.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
His elbows began to bend as his face neared mine. I closed my eyes thinking he would kiss me… but he didn’t. When I slowly opened my eyes, his lips were barely grazing mine.  
  
“I have a better idea,” he whispered. The corner of his mouth curled before he lifted himself back up and walked away. I remained motionless on the tatami, my breathing fast and heavy. The muscles in my body refused to move; it was as if he had put them under a spell. All I could hear was the sliding glass door open and close. A moment later, I felt a cold breeze hit my cheeks. _Hm?_ I managed to push myself off the ground with my arms. _Did he just… go outside?_ I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion and used the low table to help myself up. Following the cold air, I slowly opened the same sliding door. A loud gasp escaped my lips.  
  
“It’s snowing!” he said excitedly like a kid.  
  
But that was the last thing I noticed. In front of me was a private hot springs bath. The smell of sulfur lingered at my nose as a chilly breeze played with my hair. But more than the smell, more than the cold, more than the luxury of having a private outdoor bath… my main ‘problem’ was him.  
  
“This feels amazing.” He stood up, so I impulsively looked away. From my peripheral vision, I could see that he was holding a white towel where a white towel should be. I could tell there was snow in his hair, that his shapely arms were contracted because of the cold air, and that his abs played peek-a-boo with each exhale. It felt as though I were steaming from all the blood rushing up to my face.  
  
“Sho-san… what is this?” _Right, a stupid question to buy time. You got this, Kokoro!_  
  
But instead of answering my question, he unraveled the towel, wrapped it around his waist, and stepped out of the steaming hot springs. Now, he stood directly in front of me, his body shining with water drops and snowflakes collecting in his slightly damp hair.  
  
“Join me.”


	17. A Savior's Duty

Playful snowflakes collected in his hair and drops of water scattered the ground beneath him, drawing a kind of abstract painting around us. His skin glistened and accentuated his masculine features: the angle of his jawline, the broadness of his shoulders, the tapering of his torso, the contouring of his muscles. My eyes beheld a work of art.  
  
“Come on.” He reached for my hand and pulled me toward him. Some water dropped from his towel and hit my feet.  
  
“W-Wait…!” I pulled my hand back toward me but he didn’t let me go. “I’m still fully clothed,” I argued.  
  
“Well, that’s a quick fix,” he smiled. He then raised his eyebrows playfully. “Are you going to make me wait for you like this?” I could see his breath as he spoke and his chest was turning red from the cold.  
  
As usual, he was in complete control of the conversation. “That’s not a fair question and you know it,” I pouted.  
  
He chuckled as he turned around and dipped his legs back in the hotspring. “I’ll see you out here soon,” he grinned.  
  
I shuffled my feet back toward the hotel room and closed the sliding door behind me. I leaned my back against it and took a deep breath. Though this wasn’t the first time I had seen him naked, the situation was much too dizzying. Taking a bath together? In a private hotspring bath, no less? I crossed my arms across my chest, feeling exposed though I was still wearing clothes. I took a quick look through the glass doors. The steam rising from the bath seemed to flirt with the cold air around it. In the distance were snow-capped mountains, slowly turning into a silhouette in the dimming sunlight. _It would be a shame if I didn’t enjoy this._ Right. What’s the point in having a private hotspring if you’re not going to use it? I took a few short breaths to get the jitters out of my system before slipping out of my clothes.  
  
When I opened the door, his back was facing me. His arms rested along the edge of the hotspring, the beautiful arches of his muscular shoulders relaxed and glistening with water. He turned around to greet me and smiled a gentle smile. It was one of those smiles that made your knees feel like jello. For several seconds, I had totally forgotten that I was standing in freezing weather.  
  
“Come on in. You’ll catch a cold.” He moved one arm beside him and gestured me to sit there.  
  
Slowly, I made my way over. Once I had reached the edge of the bath, I could instantly feel the steam rising from the hotspring, inviting me with its warmth.  
  
“You aren’t thinking about coming in with that towel around you?” Sho-san asked playfully.  
  
“W-Why not?” I was, in fact, thinking of doing just that.  
  
“How are you going to dry off to get back inside?” The corner of his lips curled and his eyes sparkled, knowing he had won again.  
  
“...Fine. Close your eyes.”  
  
He obliged without a fight, although the grin on his face spoke volumes. As I slowly unraveled myself, I kept my eyes on him. Long eyelashes resting perfectly along his eyelids, the rising and falling of his chest as he breathed at a steady tempo, his forefinger as it gently tapped the edge of the hotspring, patiently waiting for me to join him. I placed the towel on a wooden bench nearby and took a deep breath to calm my nerves. My toes led the way and soon enough, the hot water had completely enveloped me. A sigh escaped my lips in contentment as my muscles relaxed and surrendered to the moment. But, a moment it was.  
  
“You going to let me open my eyes?” He joked.  
  
Instantly, I brought my legs toward my chest and curled up like a ball. I shifted my body in the seat so that my back was facing him now. In the bedroom is one thing. But to converse with him naked? To bathe in the same tub? That is an entirely different ballpark.  
  
“I don’t know,” I mumbled.  
  
“Let me guess. You’re sitting on the other end of the hotspring with your back toward me,” he chuckled.  
  
“...How do you know that?” I answered.  
  
“Wait, don’t move…!” His voice alarmed.  
  
I flinched my shoulders and hugged my knees. “W-What is it?!” A bug? A clump of snow falling from the tree branches? I instinctively closed my eyes.  
  
Just then, I felt his arms embrace me as I tipped backward into his chest. I gasped, now wide-eyed. Our bare skin pressed against each other tightly, pushing the warm water outward, creating a ripple around us. I could hear--and feel--his breath at the back of my ear. Though my whole body reacted to the sensations, I was frozen in his arms. Once I realized his warning was simply a diversion, I slowly let the air out of my lungs in defeat.  
  
“Meanie…” I hung my head and mumbled into his forearm.  
  
“I’m just a good guesser.” After a gentle chuckle tickled my ear, he kissed the nape of my neck, sending a tingling sensation all the way down my back. My body melted into his chest. I knew the heat rising to my head wasn’t simply from the hot water. His slender fingers gently caressed my chin and my head turned toward him without resistance.  
  
I knew what was coming next. Or, so I thought. I had closed my eyes in anticipation for that soft sensation on my lips. It didn’t come. Instead, I heard a soft chuckle. When I opened my eyes in confusion, his face was millimeters away from mine. My eyes captured his full set of lips first, then the roundness of his cheekbones, then his beautiful, inquisitive eyes, slightly narrowed from smiling. _Ah._ I understood now why artists are gripped with the desire to preserve something for eternity. He was a masterpiece, a sight to see. I wanted to remember this moment, immortalize it in my memory.  
  
“You’re honest all of a sudden.” Noticing my lack of rebuttal, he brought the fingers at my chin up to my ears as his thumb caressed my cheek.  
  
“I’m just accepting defeat,” I whispered back. A snowflake rested on his cheek for a brief moment before melting away. I thought it was the perfect metaphor for how my body felt in his arms.  
  
He chuckled again before moving his hand back into the water and burying his face in my neck. His cheeks were cold from the winter air, but the rising steam quickly warmed us. “Did you have fun today?”  
  
I nodded. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so rejuvenated. As we age, we become more reserved and less eager to try something new. Comfort zones are called that for a reason, and many feel quite content there, feeling no need to challenge themselves. But, as I reflected on today, I realized something. It was not only the events themselves I remembered, but also the energy behind them: the adrenaline rush as I clumsily but successfully made my way down the slopes for the first time without falling, the excitement as new flavors and textures I had yet to discover delighted my tastebuds, the release as my muscles relaxed in this hotspring. These new experiences were all thanks to Sho-san. Not only had he freed me from the shackles of my past, he had also given me the space to find myself again. He knew I was lost from the start and found me.  
  
The arms around me pulled me in a little closer. “I guess the day’s technically not over yet.” He nuzzled his nose at the nape of my neck, then drew a line with his lips down my spine until he found that dimpled spot between my shoulder blades. His hands slowly moved up from my waist to my breasts, gently cupping them before his fingers squeezed playfully.  
  
“Mm… Sho-san…?”  
  
“Hm?” A soft kiss fell on my right shoulder.  
  
I fidgeted my legs underwater. “W-Wait…”  
  
“Why?” His lips made their way back up my neck, leaving another kiss there.  
  
“I…” My shoulders rose in response to the ticklish feeling. “I want to thank you for today.”  
  
“Gratitude accepted.” His nibbled on my earlobe.  
  
A gasp left my lips as I squirmed my body in delight. “Mmh… no, wait…! I meant, I want to thank you with more than words.”  
  
“Oh?” His movements stopped briefly. I turned my head to the side and saw that his eyebrows were raised curiously.  
  
When gratitude outweighs embarrassment, it’s easy to act before thinking. I spun around in his arms, my fully exposed body now in his direct line of vision. With adrenaline pulsing at deafening volumes, my hands made their way up his bare chest and found a resting place behind his neck. The view was intoxicating. My eyes traveled upward at a snail’s pace, taking in his glistening collarbones, his adam’s apple, his jawline, those supple lips, the curve of his nose…  
  
His eyes were waiting patiently. They greeted mine with lustful longing. Enraptured by their magnetism, my lips moved in to kiss his. A quick, friendly one to begin the dance, then a few lingering ones before I needed to catch my breath. But alas, he wouldn’t let me. His arms at the small of my back pulled me in closer, making me arch toward his torso. When our bare skin touched, a loud exhale escaped my lips.  
  
“...It’s getting really hot in here,” I managed to whisper before he engulfed me.  
  
He broke the kiss only long enough for me to see the glimmer in his eyes. Before I knew it, he had stood up with me still in his arms. One hand reached over to the bench to grab the towel I left there. Once he wrapped it around my back, he bent his legs, put his arms around the base of my thighs, and picked me up. He gazed up and smiled for a brief second before those chestnut eyes locked down on their prey. I cupped his face with my hands and continued the kiss he broke.  
  
I could hear the glass door shut behind him as the warmth of the room enveloped us. His arms loosened as my feet touched the floor, but my mind and body were completely focused on him. We made our way to the futon and from the hand on my hips, I knew he wanted me to lie down. But, I had other plans.  
  
I broke the kiss. “Sho-san.”  
  
“Hm?” Though he allowed it, I could tell that he didn’t particularly enjoy these moments interfering with the momentum of our building passion.  
  
“I told you that I wanted to thank you for today,” I repeated myself.  
  
He nodded, nuzzling my lips with his nose.  
  
“...It’s also your birthday tomorrow, so…” My heart was pounding in my chest. I was attempting something I’d never done before. Just like earlier in the day, the adrenaline rush overwhelmed me.  
  
“Yeah?” He nipped gently on my lower lip.  
  
“So…” I bent my knees and slowly slid down to the ground. Noticing how large it had become, I cast my gaze toward his feet and gulped. _You can do it, Kokoro._ “...So, I want to do something for you.” Determined, I opened my eyes and looked up at him.  
  
His eyes followed me down like cascading water and froze where I did. Eyelashes fluttered and pupils dilated in realization of my proposition.  
  
Before I lost momentum, I situated myself on my knees and stroked his thighs with both hands. Though I felt like my heart would burst through my chest, my touch remained assertive.  
  
His beautiful eyes flickered excitedly but he didn't say anything for a while. I began second-guessing myself. _What are you doing, Kokoro? What if he isn't even into this sort of thing?_ But, as usual, he seemed to sense my concern and slowly bent down to meet me at my eye level.  
  
"Kokoro-san." His fingers tucked away the stray strands of hair behind my ears. "I’m a good guesser, but I was not expecting this." His voice was warm and appreciative.  
  
I bit my lower lip nervously as I looked away. Though it felt like a small victory having thrown him off his guessing game, I was more concerned. "Does it turn you off? I know it's not really like me to be so forward."  
  
But of course, the victory was short-lived. Next thing I knew, he had me dancing in the palm of his hands once more. He cradled the back of my head with his strong fingers, leaned in to my ear, and whispered, "Quite the contrary. This is fucking hot as hell."  
  
He left his hand on my head as he slowly stood back up. This time, my eyes followed his movements. When his eyes captured mine, it felt as though my whole body buzzed in anticipation of what would come next. Once I saw the corner of his lips curl into that titillating smirk, I knew that was my cue. I brought a hand slowly toward the base, and I felt it flinch.  
  
Sho-san. I'll have you know I've never willingly done this. But, the thought of pleasuring you arouses me. Seeing you close your eyes, furrow your eyebrows, and fight to keep a moan from escaping your lips drives me wild. The fingers gently caressing my hair send tingling sensations all the way down to my toes. When the muscles in your leg contract in pleasure, it fuels my desire to love every part of you.  
  
"Nngh..."  
  
I wanted to continue. But before I knew it, I was on my feet, his arms wrapped behind my back. "...Sho-san?"  
  
"My turn." His voice was low and coarse, eyes brimming with passion.  
  
He lay me down on the futon and kissed me all the way up my legs. When I felt his hot breath there, it felt as though every nerve in my body had gathered at that one, lustful spot. I felt dizzy and closed my eyes. The sound of his lips, the smooth maneuvering of his tongue, the pressure of his hands holding my thighs open. It didn't take long before I was over the edge. My toes curled as a passionate moan gave me away.  
  
As I lay there trying to regain control of my body, he crawled his way up toward my breasts and kissed me there. I managed to open my eyes, but perhaps that was not the best thing to do. His bangs tickled my nose before he brought his gaze to meet mine. I had never seen such a lustful yet endearing expression before. It was so much more than the mere satiating of carnal pleasures. _Compatibility is everything._ A familiar phrase echoed in my head as I let all inhibitions go. My hands made their way to the back of his neck, inviting him to continue. He positioned himself between my legs, and the next thing I knew, I could feel him spreading me open with each rhythmic thrust. With every moan of pleasure and each sensual expression, we connected on the deepest level of our psyche and innermost level of our vulnerability.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
The morning light gently awoke us. Every morning after felt like an extension of the night before: honeyed, passionate, and dreamy. We spent several minutes enjoying the warmth of each other’s bodies, sighing and giggling about nothing. His raspy, morning voice was huskier than ever before, and it took an incredible amount of concentration not to lose my mind. _What had I done to deserve him?_ It was a question I knew I couldn’t answer.  
  
He got up first--albeit with utmost reluctance--to make us some coffee. As for me, I stayed under the covers and rolled over toward his side of the futon. His warmth lingered there and it felt as though I were still in his embrace. A smile crossed my face as I nuzzled my face into his pillow.  
  
“Miss me already?” I heard a voice teasing from the other room.  
  
Usually, I wouldn’t have taken his playful jabs without fighting back. But, this morning, I felt as though I were immune. “Yeah,” I said. Nothing more, nothing less.  
  
He chuckled through his nose and sat at the foot of the futon. “I think I’m finally making a difference.”  
  
“Hm?” I peeked at him from under the covers. I didn’t understand what he meant.  
  
“You’re cute when you’re honest,” he smiled.  
  
“I know, it’s kind of out of character of me,” I chuckled back.  
  
“Is it?” He tilted his head as if to invite me to think deeper about my response.  
  
Well, of course it is, I thought. I wouldn’t ever be caught dead receiving a compliment without feeling insecure or thinking the other person had ulterior motives… _Oh, my god._ I sat up at once, amazed.  
  
He didn’t miss a beat. Noticing I had had an epiphany, he stared into my eyes as he handed me my cup of coffee. “Exactly.”  
  
How had he transformed me so? I reflected back on the person I was before our paths crossed. I almost didn’t recognize her. When I promised to trust him, I didn’t know this was what he meant. It was not merely a woman trying to prove a man wrong, that he was indeed quite capable of making her happy. The exchange was far more spiritual: I wanted to save him, and he wanted to save me. As the realization sank in, tears streamed down my face.  
  
“Compatibility is everything,” he uttered sweetly as he wiped the tears on my cheeks with his thumb. His was warm from holding the coffee.  
  
_There he goes again._ Overwhelmed with the urge to hug him, I put the mug down on the low table and embraced him from the side. He moved his hand with the coffee away from us and chuckled knowingly. I could feel his voice reverberating in his chest, the gentle buzzing calming me. He leaned over to kiss the top of my head.  
  
“Sho-san?”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“Happy birthday.”  
  
“Thanks,” he smiled.  
  
“I have something to give you.” I slowly loosened my embrace and sat back up.  
  
He raised one eyebrow and smirked. “Should I put my coffee down for this one?”  
  
Realizing what he was implying, the blood rose to my face as I glowed like a red, neon sign. “D-Don’t remind me…!”  
  
He took his free hand and brought his fingers to my bottom lip, gently pulling them down as if he were remembering details from the night before. “Why not?”  
  
The place where his fingers had been burned passionately. For a moment, I got lost in his suggestion and I almost forgot why I began this conversation in the first place. I took a deep breath to snap out of the trance.  
  
“Stop teasing me…” I said feebly. “...I brought you a gift..”  
  
I managed to crawl over to my belongings and pulled out a shimmery, red box from my bag. After learning that we’d be spending his birthday together, I brainstormed for days trying to figure out what present to give him. It was no easy task. Nearly a dozen ideas later, I finally decided on this.  
  
“Here you go.” I placed the gift wrapped box in front of him.  
  
A soft smile appeared on his face to acknowledge it. After placing his coffee mug down, he picked it up with both hands and unwrapped it carefully to reveal a plain, black box. He put his fingers along the edges of the lid, lifted it, and slowly peeled off the layers of tissue paper covering the item. For a brief moment, a look of surprise crossed his face. Soon after, a beautiful, warm smile followed.  
  
“I hope you win.” I looked him in the eyes. “But most importantly, I hope you continue doing what you love.”  
  
Dangling in his hand was a customized DSLR camera neck strap. It came with an internally-padded nylon webbing that has a smooth side that glides over clothing if he were to carry the camera in sling mode, and a slip-free side when he needs to carry the camera on his shoulders. It wasn’t the most original gift, and it most certainly wasn’t the most expensive present I’d ever given someone. But, I fell in love with the burgundy color and the owner of the shop told me the item was customizable. I decided to have his initials embroidered in gold, but also wanted to add an extra touch. _S.S. 34_, it read. I knew next to nothing about cameras, but what I did know was that the camera freed him. The world he saw through his lenses was honest, unadulterated, and beautiful. Remembering how determined his eyes looked that one day at the beach, I made a promise to myself, that I would protect that innocence in him. I would prove to him that he deserved to be happy.  
  
He cast his gaze downward toward the strap and chuckled, that gentle smile lighting up his face. “It’s perfect.”  
  
“Do you like it?” I asked nervously.  
  
“I love it.” His fingers moved along the lettering as if they were caressing something dear to him. He then slid his body over and pulled me in for an embrace. “It had to be you.”  
  
_“It had to be you.”_ His words echoed and overlapped with one of my fondest memories. I was his catalyst for change. The weight of that responsibility was now a badge of honor.  
  
“I can’t wait to see more of what you see through your camera.” I snuggled my cheek into his chest. His arms tightened around me as his fingers stroked my arm.  
  
“How about one, last stop before I have to go to work tonight?”  
  
I looked up at him. “Where were you thinking?”  
  
“What’s a birthday without a toast?” he winked.  
  
I thought on those words for a moment and successfully decoded his cryptic message. “I wonder what new seasonal dishes Hayato-san has put on the menu!” I beamed.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
“Sakurai sempai! Kokoro-san!” Hayato-san’s familiar voice greeted us as we entered the bar and made our way to our usual seats at the counter.  
  
Sakurai-san rolled up his sleeves as he addressed Hayato-san with his eyes. He immediately understood and moved aside. It had become a thing whenever we visited Yamashiro-san’s bar and I watched their interaction without questioning any of it. It was obvious they respected each other on a deep level. Then, it occurred to me that everyone surrounding Sho-san was the same. They all had a profound connection too complicated to dissect or define. When he first brought me here, I wondered if I’d ever fit the same bill. Would I come to understand him on a unique, intense level like the others who were in his life? Fortunately, I knew the answer to this question. I smiled to myself as I watched the magical elixir glow in his hands.  
  
“Here you are, Miss 33. Your usual.” A punch of cognac tickled my nostrils as the citrus scents fluttered about.  
  
With his slender fingers, he pinched the bottom of a martini glass and slid it in front of me. He returned to my side of the counter with bourbon in hand, just like our first night here.  
  
“Cheers.” He raised his glass.  
  
I picked up my Sidecar and gazed at him longingly. “Cheers.”  
  
“Are we toasting in celebration?” Hayato-san grinned.  
  
“It’s someone’s birthday,” I replied, looking over at Sho-san.  
  
Hayato-san’s eyes grew twice in size. “Sempai! You never tell me these things. These drinks are on me.” He then reached underneath the counter and pulled out the food menu. “And so is this Beetroot and Challot Tarte Tatin.”  
  
“My mouth is watering from the sound of it!” I obliged excitedly.  
  
He grinned and turned to enter the kitchen. What a great way to end our trip, I thought. I turned my attention back to Sho-san, who had been watching me the whole time. The look in his eyes transfixed me. Instantly, I felt safe, loved, and understood. And to think a gaze is all it took. We reflected on the trip, and he laughed when I got overly excited about all the delicious food we had enjoyed. Hayato-san brought out the tarte tatin which looked like shiny rubies adorning a lovely, white plate with gold edges. He had outdone himself again, and Sho-san laughed once more as I raved about the different flavors and breathtaking aesthetics. But alas, all good things must come to an end. I checked my watch and eyed Sho-san.  
  
He knew what my expression meant. “Let me go to the bathroom. I’ll take you home before work.”  
  
I nodded, then swirled the contents of my martini glass before I let it enchant my lips. It amazed me how the drink never grew old, that the magic was ever-powerful, and the release still just as intoxicating as the very first hit.  
  
Then suddenly, the doors to the bar opened as bursts of laughter ricocheted off the quiet walls. A group of five guys barged in, all hopelessly inebriated. There were places to drink the way these people did, but Yamashiro-san’s bar wasn’t one of them.  
  
“Yo, a round of shots for all of us!” one of them shouted.  
  
I turned my gaze away from the commotion and looked at Hayato-san behind the counter. The smile left his face as he clenched his jaw.  
  
“...I’m going to have to ask you all to leave.” Hayato-san’s voice was stern.  
  
“Whoa, whoa. We’re paying customers. You can’t refuse us service, busboy.” A burly man who seemed to be in his late 30s heckled. He took his hands out of his black, leather jacket and threw some bills on the counter.  
  
“We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone,” Hayato-san responded, not backing down. There was something peculiar about his stare, as if he were protecting something.  
  
The other four men stared back at Hayato-san condescendingly, cursing under their breath. However, the man in the leather jacket seemed unfazed. He put his hand out to silence the others. It was clear he was the alpha.  
  
“You be careful who you’re turning away, son,” he warned. “I could take down a dinky business like this joint with a flick of a finger.” He looked straight at Hayato-san, who was now biting his lower lip in anger. I had never seen him look so resentful. Before I knew it, my lips started moving on their own.  
  
“Excuse me, but I don’t appreciate the disturbance you’re causing. Also, he’s not a busboy.”  
  
The ruckus quieted at once as all eyes focused on me. The man in the leather jacket stared me up and down with judging eyes. He weaved his way between his posse and stood right in front of me, a snarky expression surfacing.  
  
“You’d be a lot hotter if you kept your mouth shut.” He then motioned the others with his head. “I’m sure they’d be able to teach you a lesson and show you a good time.”  
  
My body froze in disgust as he brought his filthy hands to my mouth, covering it to silence me. One of the guys behind him gestured his hand as if he were getting off as the others sneered. _Just who the fuck do you think you are, touching me without consent?_ I was about to slap his hand off of my face when I heard a low, unforgiving voice behind me.  
  
“Lay another finger on her and you won’t make it out of here alive.”  
  
I turned around to find Sho-san standing just behind me, eyes piercing with disdain. I swallowed my breath in shock; I had never seen him look so full of hatred. It wasn’t like him and it disturbed me.  
  
“Well, look who it is,” the man in the leather jacket scoffed. “Long time, no see.”  
  
_Wait… they know each other?_  
  
“As it should be,” Sho-san responded coldly.  
  
“Aw, why so distant? You and I go way back.” The man laughed menacingly.  
  
Sho-san moved to stand between the man and me. I instantly felt safer and hid behind his broad back.  
  
“I think you should leave.” Sho-san’s voice left no room for discussion.  
  
“Is this your girl?” But the man snickered and continued. “She’s… kinda plain, don’t you think?”  
  
His words immediately took me back and reminded me of Shun. Juri revealed later that Sho-san had punched him for saying such things about me. Would I witness that in person? I thought. But he remained composed.  
  
“You may have ruined my life, but I guarantee I will make yours a living hell before you ruin hers.” Sho-san locked his eyes on the man and didn’t budge.  
  
The sneer on the man’s face faded as he took one step closer to Sho-san. “Look who’s talkin’ big, huh? Don’t forget you ruined Riina’s life.”  
  
_“Because I’ve ruined lives in the past.”_  
His words from that one night echoed faintly inside my head.  
  
“I took care of that,” Sho-san corrected.  
  
The man raised his eyebrows in disbelief and began cracking his knuckles. “Oh, so you’re letting your money talk for you? You’re no better than your dead father.”  
  
For once, Sho-san didn’t respond. The silence was deafening. Validated or not, I felt terrified that this man knew something about Sho-san’s past and was using it as leverage to get his way. I saw the man scoff before he grabbed Sho-san by his shirt. Sho-san didn’t even flinch; it’s as if he knew this was coming.  
  
“Don’t forget that she’s raising your kid alone.”  
  
_...What?  
What did he just say?_  
  
Silence followed. I didn’t know what I was expecting, though I suppose a part of me hoped he’d deny such allegations. Where was the strong, confident man I knew? Why wouldn’t he fight back? _Was it silent consent? Is it because the man’s accusations about you are true…?_  
  
“Sir. I’m going to ask you one last time: leave the premises, or I’ll call the police.” Hayato-san’s voice was shaking and the hand that held the phone at his ear was turning white from clenching too hard.  
  
The man slowly turned toward Hayato-san, eyes narrowing and visibly annoyed. He clicked his tongue, roughly let go of Sho-san’s collar, and cocked his chin toward the exit to signal the others to leave. Right before following them out, he singled Sho-san out with his contemptuous glare.  
  
“What a shame it would be if something happened to her…” The corner of his lips curled derisively as he shifted his eyes toward me for a brief moment.  
  
“...Sakurai sempai?” After the men left the bar, it was Hayato-san who first broke the silence.  
  
Sho-san’s eyes lingered at the door, as if to make sure they weren’t coming back. He brought his right hand to his neck to fix his disheveled collar, then turned to the man speaking to him.  
  
“Sorry for the commotion, Hayato. We’ll be heading out, too.”  
  
With his left hand, he reached into his pockets, pulled out a few bills from his wallet, placed them on the counter, and turned to face me. It was the first time I saw his expression since the men appeared. For a split second, his eyes swum aimlessly though they were focused on me, as if he were afraid of something. But, a split second it was. A soft smile formed at his mouth and his eyes harbored their usual warmth.  
  
“Shall we?”  
  
I cleared my throat. “...Sure.”  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
As expected, Sho-san didn’t say much in the car. I had a dozen questions swarming around in my head, but I also wasn’t sure if I should be the one bringing this back up. Instead, I recalled what took place at the bar just moments ago. Whoever those men were, it was clear they were up to no good. _Who are you going to trust: a disrespectful man you interacted with for mere minutes or the man sitting next to you now, the same man who made it his mission to save you?_ The answer was clear as day. Though what I had learned concerned me, it didn’t make me love him less. In fact, it made me want to protect him even more. I brought my right hand toward his left hand which rested at the gearshift. Our fingers intertwined and the warmth emanating from his palms seemed to thaw away my worries.  
  
When we reached my apartment, he opened the passenger seat door and escorted me to the building doors like he usually does.  
  
“Sho-san. I had a lot of fun on our trip,” I broke the silence.  
  
“Me, too,” he smiled.  
  
“I…” There was a moment of hesitation but I breathed through it. “I want you to know that I’m not worried about what happened earlier. Well, I mean, I’m worried for you, but I trust y--”  
  
“Kokoro-san.”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
He took my hands and caressed them lovingly, his eyes cast downward toward our feet. As if I were watching a slow-motion replay, he moved purposefully toward me and brought his arms around to my back. The smell of his cologne relaxed and calmed me like a sedative. He pulled away ever so slightly to give our eyes space to gaze into each other before he planted his supple lips on mine.  
  
“Kokoro-san.” He broke the kiss and straightened back up.  
  
“Yes?”  
  
Time stood still in his sincere eyes. The lingering hint of bourbon on my lips yearned for more. My nose sought after its haven. His fingers gently swept my hair away from my face, and it felt as though he had enchanted every strand of hair on my head. My ears waited patiently for his words. Every, single one of my senses were focused on him.  
  
He smiled gently once again and moved his lips to speak. His voice resounded throughout my body, and yet I was certain my ears had betrayed me. Time had indeed stood still.


	18. Overlapping Fates

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”  
  
It felt as though all the air was punched out of my lungs. His words froze me in place and I couldn’t even force myself to blink. Something like white noise rung inside my ears as if to drown out everything else around us. All I could do was stare into those chestnut-colored eyes. I wished I could look away, because they were telling me that his words were sincere. I didn’t want to believe them. The tone of his voice was soft and composed, yet resolute and unwavering.  
  
“It’s for the best.” His voice remained calm. The fingers tucked my hair neatly behind my ears, then returned to his side.  
  
What was going on? My expression contorted in sheer confusion. I wanted to say something back but I couldn’t find the words. As I stood dumbstruck by his suggestion, he knew exactly why I remained silent and threw me a lifeline. Even in gut-wrenching moments like these, he knew what to say.  
  
“Do you still trust me?”  
  
I furrowed my eyebrows in pain and nodded feebly.  
  
He smiled apologetically. “Then, let’s end this.”  
  
My brain slowly processed his words. When I took a breath, the oxygen made a hissing sound as it entered through my lips and filled my lungs. It was only then I realized that my breathing had become shallow and irregular. My hands had gone clammy and pale from gripping on the bag handle so tightly.  
  
“Why are you saying these things?” When I finally strung a sentence together, I noticed that my voice was trembling.  
  
He pursed his lips as if to tell me in advance that I wasn’t going to like what I was about to hear next. “If it’s happiness you want, you should be looking elsewhere.”  
  
My mind instantly revisited the very moment I heard him say that to me the first time. He was shrouded in a mysterious aura and I was unsure why any man entering into a relationship would ever warn their partner like that. Back then, my argument would have been thin and full of loopholes. But, now? The proof was everywhere. Was he going to deny our time together completely? Was our relationship not happiness in its most precious form? Could he really look me in the eyes and tell me I was not happy being with him?  
  
“Are you running away again?” Though the anxiety crushed me, I needed to make my rebuttal. He was worth fighting for.  
  
His gaze left me as he looked up at the night sky. The darkness housed thousands of stars and yet, I couldn’t see a single one. Instead, city lights reflected in his contemplative eyes.  
  
“No,” he shook his head, keeping his gaze toward the sky. “I’m telling you to.”  
  
_What…?_  
My mind was wandering but my heart knew the way. Instinctively, I plunged into his chest and wrapped my arms around his back.  
  
“What if I don’t want to?” I responded.  
  
I saw his arms respond to my embrace for a moment, but he forced his hands back down to his sides. “I’m giving you no choice.”  
  
“Does this have anything to do with those men at the bar? Because I told you already that I’m not worried--”  
  
“Kokoro-san, please,” he pleaded. I had never heard him squeeze his voice out this way. “Please don’t make this any harder than it already is.”  
  
This was a battle I chose to fight. I didn’t want to back down. “I don’t care if any of those accusations about you are true. I am your catalyst...! I chose this.” My words trembled even more as I raised my voice.  
  
He bit his lower lips as his expression brimmed with remorse. “I’m sorry I dragged you into this. You don’t need to be shackled by the responsibility of being my catalyst anymore.”  
  
My arms held on tightly as I yelled into his chest. “No! You’re the one keeping yourself incarcerated by your past. You have the key and yet, you refuse to believe it opens the door.”  
  
I heard him sigh as he drooped his head. He let a few breaths pass before he opened his mouth again to speak. “Maybe you’re right,” he sighed. “But, that dark place is a space reserved for one. You don’t belong there.”  
  
“I would run to it if it meant I’d find you there,” I argued back. “_You_ don’t belong there.”  
  
“Kokoro-san…”  
  
He put his hands on my shoulder and slowly pushed me away. For some reason, I knew in that moment that I had lost the battle. My arms fell limply by my side and lost all strength.  
  
“You deserve all the happiness in the world.” His voice, though poignantly soulful, was full of warmth. “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I ruined your life, too. I’d regret it for the rest of my days.”  
  
In those eyes like honey, I saw my reflection. Would this be the last time you look at me this way? Would I ever find home in those beautiful eyes again? The woman I saw looked so fragile and lost.  
  
“I love you, Kokoro-san. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. If only I could hold onto you for a little while longer.” He leaned in to kiss me on the cheek one last time. With that, he turned around toward his car and never looked back.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
“Kokoro...”  
  
I wasn’t sure how I got back to my place after that, though it seemed I had managed to text the only two people I could count on. Reiko swung open the front door and rushed over to hug me. I could see Juri over Reiko’s shoulder, her worried but warm eyes staring back at me. It felt a little bit like getting lost as a child. While you’re waiting for your parents to come find you, you’re worried and nervous wondering if you’ll ever see them again, all the while trying to stay strong because you don’t want to cause any more trouble. Only when you finally reunite with familiar faces do you fully realize that you were in a fight or flight situation. The relief from seeing Reiko and Juri finally did me in. The tears started flowing at last and it seemed no amount of tissues would be enough.  
  
Reiko continued to hold me as I sobbed in her arms. Her hand caressed my back as she reassured, “Cry as much as you want.” Juri didn’t say a word but I could hear her taking drinks and snacks out of grocery bags and placing them on the coffee table. I could sense that she was sitting beside me, patiently waiting until I was ready to talk. I didn’t know how much time had past; what I did know was that by the time I had finally gained some composure, my head was throbbing and my eyes felt like they were on fire.  
  
I stammered my way through explaining what had happened in the last couple days. Reiko held my hand and nodded after each sentence I was able to finish, and Juri sat there quietly, looking down at her hands.  
  
“We’re so sorry, Kokoro,” Reiko said after I had stopped talking. “I don’t understand why he believed his only choice was to leave.”  
  
“Me neither...”  
  
“Why now, after such a great time vacationing together?” Reiko asked, not so much a question for me, but more so for herself. She frowned and looked over at Juri. “What do you think?”  
  
Up until this point, Juri had not said a single word. Her expression hadn’t changed since arriving, and though she had set up all the food and drinks, the full glass in front of her hadn’t moved. She looked at me and I could tell that she was choosing her words carefully.  
  
“I’m not trying to defend him in any way… but I do find his concern to be a valid one.”  
  
“What do you mean?” Reiko asked, eyebrows furrowed.  
  
“Think about it. If he believes he can’t make anyone happy and yet, still desires those he cares about to find happiness... where does he fit in to the equation?” Juri scratched her chin. “Letting you go is the ultimate way to show that he loves you, wouldn’t you agree?”  
  
Ah, the good ol’ “if you love them, let them go” approach. I let her theory sink in and settle. Yes, it made sense if that was the only part to the equation. But, it was missing one, critical piece.  
  
“I never said I wanted him to make me happy.” I cleared my throat. “He even warned me otherwise. But, I chose to trust him, anyway.”  
  
Reiko repositioned herself and put a hand on my knee. “Did you tell him that?”  
  
I nodded.  
  
“But Kokoro... he _did_ make you happy.” Juri’s voice was calm.  
  
I could feel the tears welling up again. Soon after, they rolled down my cheeks and made their way down to my chin. Our time together should have been more than enough proof that he made me happy. Did I not make that clear to him? Should I have vocalized it? Could I have somehow prevented this outcome?  
  
“I know what you’re doing, Kokoro, and I won’t let you do that,” Reiko grabbed both of my arms firmly. “Don’t you dare blame yourself for this.”  
  
I closed my eyes firmly as the tears streamed down my face again. Reiko stroked my arms to soothe me. Juri shifted her legs and tapped her fingers on the coffee table, deep in thought.  
  
“Plus, it seems more to me like he was trying to protect you by letting you go.” Juri furrowed her eyebrows. “Hey, Kokoro? Those guys at the bar... had you seen any of them with Sho-san before?”  
  
I shook my head.  
  
“So, we don’t fully know their connection with Sho-san. Correct?”  
  
“What are you getting at?” Reiko eyed suspiciously.  
  
“I know Sho-san didn’t give you a satisfactory reason for ending things, but if you were to pin one, what would it be?” Juri inquired.  
  
The question hung in the air for a moment. Though painful, I recalled details from our farewell. Sho-san believed he couldn’t make me happy. He regretted ever “dragging” me into this mess and told me to make a run for it because he was certain he would ruin my life if I had stayed. It still didn’t make complete sense to me, but I did realize each of these pieces pointed to one thing.  
  
“His past,” I replied quietly.  
  
“Then, those bastards must be a part of his past,” Juri nodded her head in conviction.  
  
I opened my bloodshot eyes and grabbed a tissue to blow my nose. “You mean to say...”  
  
“That finding out who they are may be the key to understanding Sho-san’s decision.”  
  
Reiko bit her bottom lip anxiously. “What’s the point in finding out, though? It doesn’t change the fact that Kokoro is hurting.”  
  
“It may not change the outcome, sure. But, if that’s the case—actually, especially if that’s the case—I want Kokoro to have some kind of closure.”  
  
I covered my face with my hands. Both of them were right. Both of them were thinking of me and caring for me in their own way. Even though my heart ached, I could tell that they were keeping the seams together so that I didn’t completely fall apart.  
  
“Reiko... Juri...” I sobbed.  
  
“If you want to find out for some closure, we’ll go to the bar with you. If you want to cry here at home, we’ll stay and keep you company.” Reiko’s emphatic voice filled the room.  
  
“We’ll respect and support whatever decision you make, Kokoro,” Juri chimed in.  
  
I grabbed another tissue to wipe my face full of tears. Although such detective work would have no influence on the outcome, a part of me was begging to understand the reasoning behind his decision. He must have a reason. Sho-san is neither a fickle person nor an untrustworthy man. Though I feared whatever closure this would bring, I feared even more the thought of living with unanswered questions. Most importantly, I still trusted him. That meant that I had to trust his decision now, even amid the heartbreak. Maybe I’ll never understand why, but I wanted to look back on this moment in ten years’ time and be able to say, “I did everything I could to remain true to the man who loved me like no man ever did, and probably ever will.” Most importantly, should I never find closure for myself, I will have at least done everything I could to save him.  
  
“I’m glad no one drank anything. Juri, can you drive us there?” It surprised me how determined my voice sounded as I spoke these words.  
  
Juri reached into her purse and jingled the keys now hooked on her forefinger. “You bet I can,” she smiled gently.  
  
“Let’s do this,” Reiko made a fist and curled her arm like Rosie the Riveter.  
  
As we all made our way out of my place, I managed a chuckle through the tears. “What did I do to deserve you two?”  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
“Kokoro-san...” Hayato-san’s eyes widened seeing me back at the bar, now with two, new guests. His voice was apologetic, a stark contrast from his usual greeting.  
  
I walked over to the counter seat where I was sitting just several hours ago. Reiko and Juri took off their coats and sat on either side of me.  
  
“I’m very sorry about earl—” Hayato-san’s voice trailed off when he noticed my red, puffy eyes. He seemed to deduce what had happened after Sho-san and I left the bar. The concerned look on his face let me know that he knew something I didn’t.  
  
“...I was wondering if you could help me understand something.”  
  
Hayato-san pursed his lips nervously for a moment before looking back at three, determined faces staring back at him. He took a deep breath before nodding. “I’ll try,” he replied softly.  
  
“I’m Reiko, and that’s Juri,” Reiko introduced.  
  
“Hayato,” he bowed as he placed his hand to his chest.  
  
“We don’t mean to intimidate you,” Juri tactfully assured. “We’re here for Kokoro.”  
  
“I understand,” Hayato-san nodded. “I’ll do my best to answer questions.”  
  
I hoped he wouldn’t regret saying so, because I had a ton of questions. And yet, I didn’t know where to start. I sat there fidgeting my fingers for a little while. Juri placed her hand on my shoulder to offer emotional support, but I still didn’t know where to begin. Thankfully, someone else did.  
  
“The group of rowdy guys earlier... they’re loan sharks. Well, at least the big guy in the black leather jacket. The others are his minions.”  
  
Hayato-san broke the silence. I slowly looked up as my brain digested his words.  
  
“...He owes money?”  
  
Even as I asked the question, it didn’t make sense to me. Sure, his car wasn’t the fanciest set of wheels. But his home? The way he generously spent money on me? He wouldn’t live the way he did if this were true. He isn’t that irresponsible.  
  
“No,” Hayato-san replied firmly.  
  
“Then, why were they harassing him like that?”  
  
“...His father owed them a fortune. He was a betting man and drank like a fish. He lost a ton of money gambling so he borrowed money. Of course, he used that money, too, to feed his addiction and lost it all. They were first coming for his father, naturally. But after he passed away, they suddenly started showing up at Sakurai sempai’s home.”  
  
My heart was pounding against my rib cage. What I was hearing was hard to believe. This was something I had only seen happen in movies and dramas. I didn’t think this could happen in real life, let alone to someone so close to me.  
  
“He was living with his mother at the time. The loan sharks were after her. Sakurai sempai wouldn’t let them near her, though. He took full responsibility. That’s when he started working here,” Hayato-san explained carefully.  
  
“...Then, he still owes them money his father borrowed?” I asked for clarification.  
  
“No. He already paid off his father’s debt, all 162 million yen.”  
  
“162 million...!” Reiko couldn’t help but interject. She brought a hand to her mouth and whispered, “Holy shit.”  
  
162 million yen. The amount was so unrealistic, I couldn’t even picture that kind of money.  
  
“He worked here a while but I guess he wasn’t making enough. They wanted Sakurai sempai to pay them back sooner, and with larger sums of money.” Hayato-san cast his gaze downward as if he were recalling a painful memory. “...That’s when he started working as a nightclub host.”  
  
_"Why did you quit your job as a bartender?"  
"It's not important."_  
  
Instantly, his painful, downcast gaze resurfaced in my memory. Hayato-san’s heartbroken expression overlapped with the image of Sho-san. It was obvious neither wanted him to become a nightclub host. I felt my sense of emotional balance tip some more. Had his father not been terrible with money, Sho-san wouldn’t have had to make a living doing something he hated. He could have been bartending as he chased his true passion: photography. And yet, a selfish part of me wished I hadn’t found this out about him. _Our paths would never have crossed otherwise._ The thought alone got me all choked up again.  
  
Hayato-san noticed immediately and took a handkerchief out of the inner pocket of his jacket. “Kokoro-san…” he sighed. “I know these are hard truths. I’m sorry to have to be the messenger.”  
  
I managed to shake my head feebly. “Please don’t apologize. I need to know. I want to know.”  
  
Reiko reached for my hand with both of hers and stroked my fingers gently. Juri brought her fingers between her eyebrows as she closed her eyes. It seemed as though something was really bothering her.  
  
“Okay, that connects the two parties…” Juri fixed her bangs, a clear sign of distress. “But what about this Riina chick?”  
  
I eyed her nervously. It was the question no one wanted to ask, but everyone wanted the answer to. In the car ride back, I told myself to trust Sho-san completely and purposefully avoided asking him about her. He had revealed to me that in the past, he had been a callboy for some women. But Riina was the only one identified by name, albeit unprompted. Was she just someone who had his number on speed dial, or was she something more?  
  
Hayato-san tilted his head, looking just as confused as the rest of us. “I’ve never heard of her.”  
  
“What about his child? Did Sho-san ever mention having kids?” Reiko asked, concerned.  
  
Hayato-san shook his head with an expression full of disbelief. “No…”  
  
I pursed my lips and hung my head. Alas, the question remained unanswered.  
  
“But…” Hayato-san’s voice was firm and full of confidence. “Hell would freeze over before Sakurai sempai did anything that irresponsible. So, either that man is lying, or Sakurai sempai truly took care of it, whatever that may mean.”  
  
I brought a fist to my mouth, resting my lips against it. Trying to hold it together was becoming harder by the minute. Unanswered questions circled my head as his last words ricocheted back and forth. I was fighting an inner battle. The realization that I indeed knew very little about the man I love terrified and discouraged me. Still shrouded in mystery, I began to question if I truly understood him. And yet, there was one, unwavering fact. No matter the shock and disbelief, I still trusted him with every fiber of my being. Even if this detective work led to nothing--or worse, to confirming what the man had said--I knew I would still trust him. The amber lighting of the bar seemed eerily cold tonight.  
  
\--  
  
They say time heals all things. If that’s the case, I guess not enough time has past yet. It had been six months since my last night with Sho-san, but I still thought about him on a daily basis. The seemingly insignificant things would trigger an emotional response, like the matching coffee mugs in my kitchen cabinet or the sound of a camera shutter. Work became monotonous, seasons went by without a care, and I felt like a shell of myself: put together on the outside but empty and lonely on the inside. Reiko and Juri checked in with me often and our get togethers were a saving grace. In a few more days, we would have another girls’ night out and knowing that helped me get through the week.  
  
_Bzzz._  
  
I heard my phone buzz in my purse. It was 4:20PM on a Monday and I was wrapping up my workday. Today started at 6:00AM for me because of new hire training and I was looking forward to having an evening to myself. I had booked a well-deserved and overdue massage. Though I was still hurting, I wasn’t a teenager; I knew I had to be responsible and take care of myself for the sake of others and my career. _It’s probably another spam email._ I ignored the notice and continued packing up. After checking myself in the breakroom mirror, I closed my locker and left the salon.  
  
_Bzzz._  
  
_Huh. Who could this be?_  
As I reached into my purse to find the answer to that question, my cell phone buzzed again. And again.  
  
_Calling -- Juri_  
  
“Hello?”  
  
“Kokoro! Did you get my texts?” She sounded panicked.  
  
“Sorry, I haven’t checked yet.”  
  
“Meet us at Ginza Renoir right away.”  
  
“Wait, what?”  
  
“Reiko’s pregnant. And not with her husband.”  
  
The hustle and bustle of the city dimmed until I couldn’t hear a thing. I froze in place, unable to comprehend what I had just heard. _Reiko?_ That can’t be. She’s a sexaholic, sure. But, she’s always been adamant about contraceptives. She’d be the last person with an unwanted pregnancy.  
  
“Kokoro? Are you still there?” Juri’s voice snapped me out of the dizzying daze. “Hurry, okay?”  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
When I opened the doors to the cafe, Reiko and Juri were already sitting at a booth at the very end of the shop. Reiko was facing away from the door so I couldn’t see her face, but I could deduce from the look on Juri’s that the woman sitting in front of her was crying.  
  
“Reiko?” I rushed over and sat next to her.  
  
She looked up, tears brimming. “Kokoro…”  
  
The tears streamed down her rosy cheeks. My arms instinctively brought her in and she rested her head on my shoulder weakly. She stayed there for a while. Juri and I glanced at each other, both full of worry. When Reiko finally opened her mouth, I was stunned silent.  
  
“I filed divorce papers.”  
  
“You what?” Juri gasped, wide-eyed.  
  
“That’s not why I’m crying,” Reiko sniffled as she took a tissue and wiped the tears forming at her eyes.  
  
Juri put her hands up as if to tell her to stop. “Sorry, Reiko. You need to slow down. Start from the beginning.”  
  
Reiko took a deep breath to collect her thoughts. “My period didn’t come last month. You two know me: I’m super careful when it comes to this sort of thing. My cycle is regular, so I knew it only meant one thing.” She clenched the used tissue paper in her fist to fight back the tears.  
  
“Okay, so then, what happened?” Juri’s voice was warm and accepting.  
  
“This month, I started feeling queasy; I couldn’t keep anything down. So, without telling my husband, I went to see my OB/GYN. Sure enough, there’s a baby in here,” she placed a hand on her stomach. “I’m 2 months pregnant. I saw its heartbeat on the ultrasound and everything.”  
  
I brought a hand to my mouth. “Oh, my god…”  
  
“...And you’re positive this is not your husband’s child?” Juri asked reluctantly.  
  
A dry laugh left Reiko’s lips as more tears fell down her face. “We haven’t had sex in over a year.”  
  
Juri and I looked at each other, expressions contorting with discomfort. We didn’t have to say anything to connect the rest of the dots. Now, our worry wasn’t so much pinpointing the father; it was whether he wanted to be one.  
  
Reiko knew we understood and continued to explain herself. “I’ve already told Toma. In fact, I asked him to meet me here.”  
  
“W-Wait, right now?!” Shocked, I whipped my head over toward Reiko.  
  
“I need to know if he’s willing to help me raise this child,” she nodded. After taking a deep breath, she looked down at her tummy and caressed it lovingly. “Because if he isn’t, then I’ll have to raise this child alone.”  
  
The determination in her voice sent shivers down my spine. There was no doubt in her mind that she wanted to have this child. My mind did a flashback to that night at the bar. _“Don’t forget that she’s raising your kid alone.”_ Did this Riina woman struggle the way Reiko is struggling now? Did she also tremble in fear at bearing the responsibility of raising a child alone? Did she confront Sho-san the way Reiko plans to confront Toma? Thoughts that never crossed my mind were swirling around in my head now. The idea of Toma not taking responsibility infuriated me, the mere possibility, enraging. Then, it hit me: who was I to judge Riina or that man in the leather jacket? Wouldn’t I have reacted the same way if I were in their shoes? I took Reiko’s hand and squeezed tightly.  
  
“No matter what happens, you will never have to worry about raising your precious child alone. Juri and I will be here to help.”  
  
Reiko bit her bottom lip as the tears welled in her eyes again. “Kokoro…”  
  
I knew now the reason behind her tears. It wasn’t because she lacked the confidence to do this on her own. It was out of concern for the unborn child, of him or her having to grow up in a terrifying world without a father. It was out of fear that, having chosen this child above everyone else, she may never see Toma again.  
  
“Reiko?” A man’s voice interrupted us. “Is it true?”  
  
As Toma glanced at each of our faces, a look of terror and concern crossed his face. I got up from my seat and joined Juri on the other side so that he could sit next to Reiko. She sighed when he took my place and wiped her tears with her hands.  
  
Reiko took a deep breath and nodded. “You know I’m not one to beat around the bush. I’m pregnant, and you’re the father.”  
  
The color left his face. He stared at Reiko, wide-eyed and at a loss for words. How are we to interpret his reaction? Was he petrified of the possibility that he would be forced to take responsibility? Was he worried about it affecting his career? What other selfish reasons would deem this reaction appropriate?  
  
“Please say something. Anything,” Reiko pleaded.  
  
Toma was searching for words. He remained quiet for some time, but placed his hands on the table to cue that he had something to say.”  
  
“Reiko, you know I love you. I’ll do everything I can to help.” He paused briefly. “But, I don’t know if that necessarily means as the child’s father.”  
  
“Excuse me?” Juri butted in, annoyed. “What would that look like exactly?”  
  
I could tell Toma felt cornered with the three of us here. “...I can be there for you financially. If you ever need anything, I’ll always be available to take a call or visit. And—”  
  
“Oh, so you’re going to let your money talk for you.” When I opened my mouth, the words flowed out without reservation. “I see. Is that because you think it’s unfair to turn your life upside down over human error? Do you think it’s selfish that Reiko wants to have your child?”  
  
“I didn't say that…” Toma eyed me nervously.  
  
“Actually, you did. You just told her that the child you should also be responsible for is an inconvenience, an imposition on your routine and lifestyle.” I took a deep breath to let the fumes out. “You do know her marriage is ending because of this, right?”  
  
His apologetic expression seemed sincere, but it wasn’t enough for me. I wanted him to accept the hard truth for what it really was: whether he liked it or not, he was going to be a father.  
  
“Kokoro, it’s okay. If that’s the level of commitment he can make, then that’s—”  
  
“No, it’s not okay!” I raised my voice. Did she just offer him a lifeline? Seriously? “Both of you should have known the risk, however small, when you two started having sex. This is not a responsibility Reiko should be bearing on her shoulders alone. A real man wouldn’t run.”  
  
The words came spewing out of my mouth as all three of them looked on, stunned by my candidness. Then, all of a sudden, I realized what I had said. _A real man wouldn’t run._ It felt as though I had been punched in the gut. I sighed in disbelief. I might as well have been talking to Sho-san. Is this how I truly felt about our farewell, about his past? Would I have blamed him for being irresponsible? Would I have called him a coward?  
  
I heard a short, deflated chuckle. Toma has a fist at his mouth, surprised eyes focused on me.  
  
“I’m sorry, is this funny to you?” I replied, clearly annoyed.  
  
He shook his head immediately. “No… I’m sorry, that’s not why I reacted that way just now.”  
  
I raised my eyebrows, challenging him to explain himself.  
  
“You reminded me of something Sho sempai said.”  
  
_Sho-san._ The very mention of his name led my mind into a labyrinth. It felt as though someone were wringing my heart with both hands and it became harder to breathe. Juri noticed and stroked my arm for support.  
  
“Toma…!” Reiko smacked him on the shoulder in disapproval.  
  
“Sorry…” he apologized. “It’s just that… he said exactly the same thing, that a real man wouldn’t run.”  
  
My eyes were swimming aimlessly although my mind was trying to focus on what Toma was saying. In what context and for what reason would Sho-san ever say this to him? More importantly, if Sho-san had uttered those words, it must mean he believes as such. From that logic, I could only assume that his farewell was indeed not an escape. Then, why did it feel that way?  
  
“Wait…” Reiko furrowed her eyebrows. “...You told Sho-san about the baby?”  
  
Juri darted a cold stare at Toma, but I was much too stunned to react.  
  
Toma dropped his jaw and looked like a boy caught with his hands in the cookie jar. “I-I’m sorry, Reiko. When you first told me, I felt so lost and I needed to confide in someone. I look up to Sho sempai and he’s really the only person I could trust with this information.”  
  
I saw Juri close her eyes and bring her fingers to pinch the space between her eyebrows, flabbergasted by his words. Reiko sighed in astonishment but her eyes were forgiving. She did tell her best friends, too; perhaps the weight of the news was too much of a burden to carry alone.  
  
“...Why would he say that?” I managed to mumble.  
  
Toma cleared his throat and looked at each of us anxiously, as if he were debating whether to share something he knew. He rubbed the back of his neck as if to massage out the nerves. After a minute or so, it seemed he had made up his mind. He took out his cell phone, tapped and swiped a few times, and placed it in front of me so I could see what was on his screen. It was an Instagram page full of food photos, destinations, and selfies. Toma clicked on one of them.  
  
“This is Riina.”  
  
A woman who looked like she was in her late twenties was posing for the camera: a boba tea drink in one hand, a child in the other. The boy seemed to be about 3 or 4 years old and he was smiling for the camera, too. Her long, light brown curls bounced playfully at her shoulders. Long, slender fingers were flawlessly manicured, large, brown eyes boasted a full set of lashes, and her upbeat smile exuded energy. If someone were to tell me she was a model, I would have believed them. She was so well put together, feminine yet strong. The boy looked so much like her and I could sense the same vibrant energy behind his smile.  
  
The question popped into my head without warning. _How the hell am I supposed to compete with her?_ Only after I asked myself so did I realize something crucial. Could it be that Sho-san wasn’t running away from me, but rather, running toward her? Did Sho-san not know that he had a child of his own until I heard about it also? If so, things would make more sense. He would never leave a woman to raise his child alone.  
  
Juri and Reiko leaned in to get a better look, but they, too, were at a loss for words.  
  
“She was a regular at Akatsuki,” Toma broke the silence. “And clearly, Sho sempai was her choice host.”  
  
After a bit of a pause, Juri asked for clarification. “Is that where they met?”  
  
Toma nodded. “Our nightclub doesn’t have any restrictions on hosts dating their clients. This girl really wanted to get with Sho sempai. There were weeks she’d come in every night and finish a whole bottle of champagne amongst us. Those weren’t cheap bottles, either. I always wondered what she did for a living.”  
  
“Then… her plan must have worked, because she’s now raising his son,”Reiko deduced.  
  
“No, actually.” Toma scratched his head. “That’s why this doesn’t make any sense to me.”  
  
My ears were picking up the conversation but my mind was having trouble keeping up. _She’s raising his child but he never dated her?_ Then, I remembered a phrase he used to repeat time and time again.  
  
_“I don’t date any of my clients._  
Ah. He must have pulled the same trick he pulled on me. It saddened me that I was doubting him like this. Did he not tell me I was his first, that he’s never treated any of his other clients this way? I felt myself wavering even though I wanted so much to continue trusting him.  
  
“If he never had sex with her, then how do you explain the child?” Juri asked, perplexed.  
  
“That’s the other thing,” Toma pursed his lips in confusion. “I’ve entertained her with Sho sempai before, and when she’s drunk, she has no filter; she’ll blab about pretty much everything. One night, she started crying uncontrollably. When Sho sempai tried to comfort her, she said, ‘Nobody wants to marry me because I’m barren.’”  
  
_Wait, what…?_  
  
“She’s what…?” Reiko raised her eyebrows.  
  
“This makes no sense.” Juri crossed her arms.  
  
“Exactly. And knowing what kind of person Sho sempai is, I can guarantee that he wouldn’t abandon her if that child was truly his.”  
  
My head was starting to hurt from trying to make sense of it all. How could this be? If she was infertile, then how would anyone explain the boy? Did Sho-san sleep with her? Was she lying to get her way, conning him while masquerading her affection as a no-strings-attached relationship?  
  
“She stopped frequenting the club after her brother barged into Akatsuki looking for her.”  
  
“What?” Reiko asked, concerned.  
  
“He brought 4 guys with him. I thought they were yakuza. Anyway, her brother spotted Sho sempai and punched him in the face, told him to never see or get anywhere near her again.”  
  
_4 guys…?_  
  
“...Do you remember what her brother looked like?” I finally joined the conversation. Something was urging me to find out more.  
  
“Mm…” Toma put his fingers at his chin. “He was about the same height as sempai. Oh, and he was wearing a black leather jacket.”  
  
_I knew it._ It looked as though Juri and Reiko connected the dots, too.  
  
“...Do you think he was framed?” Juri speculated under her breath.  
  
“Huh?” It was Toma now who needed clarification.  
  
“The night Sho-san broke up with Kokoro, they had run into 5 guys at a bar. The leader was wearing a black leather jacket,” Reiko explained. “He was the one who mentioned the child.”  
  
Toma’s eyes filled with horror. “...So, you think they’re trying to get him to pay child support even though that’s not his child?”  
  
The thought was chilling to the bone. When Sho-san had reminded the man that he “ruined his life,” I , in my ignorance, thought that those days had past, that they no longer haunted and controlled him. But, if all this were true? I so desperately wanted to rescue him.  
  
_Bzzz._  
  
The screen on Toma’s phone lit up to show a text notification. It was still sitting in front of me on the table so I moved my hand to give it back to him… but I froze in place seeing the name on the display.  
  
_Sho sempai_  
  
Toma realized who had contacted him and retrieved the phone himself. He eyed me apologetically, an apprehensive expression forming soon thereafter.  
  
“Um…” His timid voice began. “When was the last time you saw Sho sempai?”  
  
“She hasn’t seen him since the night he broke it off.” Knowing I wasn’t in the right state to reply, Juri answered on my behalf.  
  
“...Shit.”  
  
“What is it now?” I could sense the growing anger in Reiko’s voice.  
  
“W-Well, when I told him about… this, and how I was meeting you today, I asked him if he could join us.” He finished his sentence and bowed his head deeply toward me, his forehead touching the table. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t know you’d be here, too.”  
  
Juri sighed, clearly irritated. Reiko brought her hands to cover her face in embarrassment. “I can’t believe you,” she mumbled disapprovingly. “When is he coming? Is he already on his way?”  
  
“Kokoro. You can still leave; he hasn’t arrived yet,” Juri alarmed. “It’s not too late.”  
  
But just as those words left her lips, the doors to the cafe opened. In walked a well-dressed man in his mid-30s. His chestnut-colored hair shined under the shop lighting, the simple, white polo shirt unbuttoned to show his defined collarbones, fitted khaki pants accentuating his long legs. Though he was standing a good distance away, I could have sworn I could smell his cologne, a spicy, citrus scent. It used to calm me; now, it made my heart race nervously. A full set of supple lips, high cheekbones, nose neatly perched on his face...and beautiful, brown eyes that once reflected me in them.  
  
They widened finding me here. For a split second, they seemed to call out to me. It was almost as if he were crying for help. They fluttered briefly not knowing what to do. I couldn’t look away; they were the same, warm eyes with which I fell madly in love. Was he really standing there? Under the crushing weight of the situation, I could barely breathe. He remained there for a brief moment before making his way toward us. By the time he had reached our table, his eyes no longer harbored warmth.  
  
“Did you plan this?” His voice was low and slightly intimidating, and his cold eyes addressed Toma with a kind of invisible pressure.  
  
“N-No, I really didn’t, sempai! Please believe me,” pleaded Toma.  
  
Sho-san let out one, dry laugh before looking back toward the door. “I’m leaving.”  
  
_Ah, I guess this is all the closure I need._ He wasn’t happy to see me. In fact, it was clear he didn’t want to. What had happened in these past six months for him to become so cold toward me? Our days together started to seem like a dream I saw once upon a time. I bit the inside of my cheeks to fight the tears from falling. Though I felt like I was suffocating, I mustered up the courage to speak.  
  
“No… I’ll leave.”  
  
I grabbed my purse and got up. Just as I was about to pass by him, I heard Juri’s livid voice.  
  
“Did you sleep with Riina?”  
  
My heart began to race even faster and the hands holding my purse turned clammy and pale. _Do you really want to hear the answer to this question, Kokoro? Would it do you any good?_ My mind was telling me to run, but my heart refused. I held my breath, waiting for his reply.  
  
I heard him sigh. Though I wasn’t looking at him, I could tell that his eyes only reflected indifference.  
  
“I did.”  
  
It was a straight punch to the gut. I couldn’t breathe. I bit my lips and closed my eyes tightly as the tears began to fall. Who is this? Where was the kind man I once knew? I couldn’t stand it any longer. Without looking back, I rushed out of the cafe. I heard Reiko shout my name, but didn’t have the courage to respond.  
  
Once the warm, humid wind hit my face, the tears streamed down my face without reservation. I wanted so much to believe that he still cared about me. I wished I could save him from himself. But alas, it seemed he didn’t need a savior. I walked swiftly away from the cafe, weaving through fellow pedestrians. Though I wasn’t sure where I was going, it was clear he got his way. He told me to run, and here I am running.  
  
Yet, my feet anchored themselves hearing a voice from behind. It was a familiar voice calling my name. My vision blurred from the tears welling in my eyes. I wanted to keep running, but my body refused to listen.


	19. Two Invitations and A Dessert

“Nijishima?”  
  
The owner of the voice approached me and peered in to confirm and remove all doubt.  
  
“Ah! I knew it was y… are you okay?”  
  
Defined eyebrows, eyelashes for miles, and three moles on and near his lips. He was wearing a cap but I knew exactly who had stopped me.  
  
“Ban-chan…” My voice trailed off as more tears rolled down my face, relieved at seeing someone I knew.  
  
His concerned expression was a breath of fresh air, a stark contrast from what I had seen earlier on another man I thought I knew. Ban-chan hesitated for a moment before grabbing my forearm and pulling me to the edge of the sidewalk. He stood in front of me so that his body blocked the view from curious pedestrians. I appreciated how considerate he was, especially now when I felt so weak and lost.  
  
Ban-chan brought his right hand behind his neck and massaged it uncomfortably. I cast my gaze downward toward the ground but it only worked in favor of gravity as tears streamed down my face at record speed. It was all I could do to keep myself together.  
  
“Let’s go.” My former classmate grabbed my arm again and led the way.  
  
I wasn’t sure where we were headed…not that I would have been able to see where we were going, anyway, what with my vision blurred from all the crying. My legs felt weak, so I appreciated that someone was helping me get away from the very person my heart yearned to see. The hand that held my arm wasn’t forceful but it was clear he wasn’t going to let go. I let him lead the way. _Because let’s be honest: where else would I go?_  
  
“Get in.”  
  
After wiping my tears away with my fingers, I looked up to find a black sports car with the passenger door opened. His eyes ushered me to take a seat. I accepted his invitation without hesitation.  
  
Once he got into the driver’s seat, he turned on the ignition to cool the muggy air. Perhaps he was purposefully not looking my way to give me space to gather myself. He took off his cap and combed through his long, black bangs. It fell in an untidy manner, lacking volume and falling to the side to cover his temple. Ban-chan put his right elbow on the window and rested his chin on his hand, his eyes looking out the window.  
  
“You can cry all you want now without having to worry about what others might think.”  
  
_Is that what he was doing? Giving me a safe space to break into pieces?_ I bit my lips to try and fight the tears, but the battle was lost. My shoulders twitched upward with each inhale as I cried uncontrollably, tears flowing in copious amounts. I hugged my purse tightly, hoping it would somehow keep my heart from bursting. In the background, I could faintly hear classical music and Ban-chan’s slow, regular breathing. I appreciated that he asked me no questions; he simply offered me a safe space to release the pain.  
  
I wasn’t sure how much time had past when I finally calmed down. The back of my forehead throbbed and my bloodshot eyes felt raw as I covered them with my hands. I took a deep breath and turned to face Ban-chan. He was still in the same position, chin on his hand and looking out into the city. When we first arrived at the car, I didn’t pay any attention to where he was parked. Only now could I make out a neon sign at the entrance to this parking lot displaying hourly rates.  
  
“Oh, my gosh… how long was I crying?” I felt bad for taking up his time.  
  
He didn’t look my way but answered my question. “Mm… 30-40 minutes?”  
  
“I’m so sorry…! Here, let me pay for parking. I’ve kept you long enough.” I rummaged through my purse and pulled out my wallet.  
  
“Nijishima.” He finally turned around to look at me. “Is that seriously the first thing you’re going to say to me?”  
  
“...Hm? O-Oh, uh, thank you. This is the least I can do.” I pulled out some bills and extended my arm toward him.  
  
He rubbed his neck again as a concerned smile crossed his face. “You haven’t changed a bit.”  
  
I tilted my head, confused.  
  
“You’re so observant that you worry about others all the time. Why don’t you do the same for yourself once in a while?” Ban-chan pursed his lips and scolded.  
  
A weak sigh left me. _The same point can be made about you, too, Ban-chan._ How else would you know me so well, despite not having seen nor spoken to me in decades? I smiled faintly in agreement. “You’re right.”  
  
He smiled back, his long eyelashes fluttering as he blinked. “Are you hungry?”  
  
“...Huh?”  
  
“Because I’m starving.” He put the car in drive.  
  
“W-Wait, I didn’t answer your question,” I stammered.  
  
“How about, in exchange for my time, you give me yours?” He raised his eyebrows playfully.  
  
Before I could answer, we were at the payment booth. He took out his wallet, rolled down the window, and placed a few bills in the machine. The bar opened to let us through, and we were on the road soon after. As I reluctantly put my money away, I wondered where he was taking me. His long, slender fingers gripped the wheel as they tapped along to the tempo of the music, the freckle on his left middle finger playing hide-and-seek.  
  
“The last time we sat this close to each other was in middle school,” he chuckled. “Remember when you forgot your eraser for that big test?”  
  
The fond memories came flooding back. “Yeah, you cut yours in half for me,” I smiled. “Thanks to you, I got a 92.”  
  
He scratched the top of his nose and laughed. “Or that one time in science class when you were paired with Yamane?”  
  
—  
  
“All right, today you’ll be learning about corrosion and how different pH levels affect rates of said corrosion. I’ve divided you all up into twos, so find your partner and sit accordingly.”  
  
The one thing I disliked more than science class itself was the fact that our teacher wouldn’t let us pick our own partners for lab. I dragged my feet to the paper posted on the chalkboard to see who I was paired with this time.  
  
“Looks like we’re together,” Yamane-kun approached me before I could even glance at the list.  
  
He was one of the popular guys in class. Tall, athletic build and in the top 3 academically, it didn’t surprise me that girls fawned over him. Being “one of the boys,” though, I never really looked at guys in that way. Maybe it was a defense mechanism: if I didn’t let myself have feelings for any of them, then it wouldn’t hurt too badly when I found out they didn’t see me in that light, either. As jealous glances darted in my direction, I sat down at the lab table dreading having to interact with him.  
  
“Consider yourself lucky,” he hummed as he took his seat. “Out of all the girls in class, you get to spend the whole hour with me.”  
  
_Ugh._ I threw up a little in my mouth.  
  
“Can we just focus on finishing this experiment?” I mumbled, annoyed.  
  
“Don’t be so cold, Nijishima. That’s why guys misunderstand you; you come off as this cold-hearted person and don’t give them a chance to really get to know you.”  
  
My eyes couldn’t roll back into my head any farther. For a smart guy, he was pretty stupid when it came to taking a hint. _No, shit, Sherlock. Why do you think I’m being cold to you now?_ I ignored him and began the experiment. But, he was persistent.  
  
“How about you let me get to know you better?” He stood behind me and placed his hands on the table at either side of my body. His chest was touching my back and his face was right next to mine. I could hear gasps and whispering from classmates. _Great. How do I explain this situation?_  
  
“Nijishima.”  
  
Another voice called my name. When I turned to see who it was, I was surprised to find that he was standing right next to Yamane-kun.  
  
“My partner’s sick and I can’t do the experiment alone. The teacher told me to pick a group to join. Do you mind?”  
  
Ban-chan spoke only to me, completely ignoring Yamane-kun. Still, the body touching my back strangely peeled away as more whispering reached our ears. It was a relief seeing a friendly face. I secretly and selfishly thanked his partner for being sick.  
  
“No… I don’t mind at all. Could you grab those beakers and label them for me?”  
  
He grinned as he grabbed a roll of tape and a sharpie. “On it.”  
  
\--  
  
“You really saved my butt that time,” I replied.  
  
“Most girls in class would have glared at me for interrupting such an opportune moment,” Ban-chan reminded.  
  
“As you’re well aware, I’m not ‘most girls,’” I chuckled.  
  
He tapped his thumb on the wheel a few times. “You really aren’t.”  
  
A dry laugh escaped my lips. “I’m ‘one of the boys,’ remember?”  
  
He puckered his lips, looking slightly irritated. “That’s not what I said.”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“Never mind,” he sighed. “We’re here.”  
  
I looked out the window. It seemed as though we had parked at a private lot. I opened the door to figure out where this was, but my nose picked up on the clue first. Lingering scents of roasted garlic and olive oil, sun-dried tomatoes and basil…  
  
“...Trattoria Baccanale?”  
  
“Bingo.” He raised his eyebrows, impressed.  
  
“We’re eating here?”  
  
“The restaurant is closed for dinner today.” He keyed in through the backdoor. “We have the whole place to ourselves.”  
  
Before I could fully wrap my head around the current situation, he had already made his way into the kitchen. He disappeared for a few minutes into the back room, and when he came back out, he was in his chef attire. After washing his hands, he opened up the large refrigerator and took out some mushrooms, butter, cheese, and a large pot of broth.  
  
“I hope you don’t mind me not wearing a hat,” Ban-chan pointed to his head. “How does mushroom risotto sound?”  
  
“...That sounds great, but h-hang on,” I stopped him. “You’re sure we can be in here? Aren’t I an imposition?”  
  
The quick rhythm of a knife on a cutting board soon filled the space. “You’re doing it again,” he said without looking up from his task. “Stop worrying about other people. I brought you here. This is my restaurant; who’s going to tell us to leave?”  
  
I let his words sink in. Perhaps my mind was playing tricks on me. To some unknown extent, in my head, he was still the Ban-chan I knew in middle school. And yet, the man who was standing in front of me had grown significantly taller, broader, wiser, and more masculine. He busied his hands at the cutting board as I stared. Did he always have such long eyelashes? Was he this muscular back in middle school? Had he always understood this side of me?  
  
“Is it that shocking to see a man cooking?” He laughed as he finally looked up to address me.  
  
_Shoot, was I staring this whole time?_ “S-Sorry. I guess it’s not too sh… actually…”  
  
My voice trailed off as I became lost in thought. Ryota used the kitchen every now and then, but I could hardly call that “cooking.” The most endearing part about Sho-san was the fact that he _couldn’t_ cook, despite being pretty much impeccable in every other aspect of his life. I dwelled on those memories for a bit and felt a stinging in my heart. There was no point in lingering and longing for the past, and yet, Sho-san refused to vacate my mind.  
  
“Here.”  
  
Ban-chan’s voice snapped me out of my trip down memory lane. I didn’t even notice he had stopped what he was doing to grab me a stool to sit on. After thanking him and perching on the edge of it, I began to wonder if he had always been this considerate. Am I just overly sensitive to this sort of thing now because I’m wounded inside, or had I never given him enough credit?  
  
“I’m used to people staring at me while I cook.” He gave me a quick glance before drizzling some olive oil into a pan. With his back to me, he turned on the stove and the smell of garlic and roasted tomatoes filled the kitchen.  
  
“Sorry, it’s so rude to stare. I guess it is kind of refreshing to see.”  
  
“What, a guy cooking?” he said over his shoulder.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
He must be focused on cooking, I thought. There was no reply but the silence wasn’t uncomfortable. In fact, it was kind of nice. Periodically, I’d hear some stirring, chopping, and sizzling. It played like white noise, a calming backdrop for what my eyes were capturing. When he finished, he picked up three dishes all in one go.  
  
“Dinner is served,” he bowed playfully. “Let’s go sit at one of the tables.”  
  
I grinned and followed him out into the restaurant. What a strange sight to see the place empty. It truly did feel like we had reserved this whole place for ourselves.  
  
“Anything to drink?” Ban-chan pulled out a chair and ushered me to sit. The way his movements flowed flawlessly, I knew he did this for a living.  
  
I had to think about it. It was Sho-san’s curse. Whenever I was asked to order a drink, my lips would thirst for his Sidecar. My body would yearn for that magic. It never even occurred to me to order alcohol without him anymore. In the end, I’d resort to the same thing every time.  
  
“I’ll just take a glass of water, thanks.”  
  
Once the table was set, I looked at the pretty dishes in front of me and instantly smiled. Ban-chan grinned seeing my reaction and raised his glass of water.  
  
“To… old friends?” he tilted his head, seeking approval.  
  
“To old friends,” I agreed.  
  
After a sip of water, I picked up a bruschetta and took a bite.  
  
“Wow, Ban-chan. This is so good!” I squealed.  
  
“Aren’t you going to give me a report on how the balsamic vinegar pairs well with the sourness of the tomatoes?” he teased.  
  
I narrowed my eyes playfully and took his jab in stride. “Actually, I was going to comment on how amazing the chef is who made it, but forget it.”  
  
Ban-chan laughed and snapped his fingers. “Darn! Well, try the risotto. Maybe I can earn a compliment then.”  
  
After another sip of water to cleanse my palate, I picked up the spoon and brought a bite to my mouth. The aroma of the mushrooms so complex, the scent of white wine escaping my nostrils, the consistency of the Arborio rice on my tongue, fragrant parmesan cheese lingering as an aftertaste. I had to close my eyes as it bewitched my senses. For some reason, it made me want to cry.  
  
“Was it not to your liking?” he inquired, nervous look on his face.  
  
“Ban-chan…” A single tear rolled down my left cheek. _How did he know this is exactly what I needed right now?_ The tension controlling me seemed to loosen its grip.  
  
“Oh, geez…” He picked up his napkin and handed it over to me. “What’s wrong?”  
  
“Nothing.” I put the spoon down so I could take his napkin and wipe my wet cheek. “Thank you, Ban-chan.”  
  
His concerned expression slowly turned into a gentle gaze. “...You’re welcome.”  
  
Needless to say, I finished everything on my plate. I savored each bite and took my time enjoying the meal. I loved everything I had last time I was here, but this time was different. It was the first time I felt like a dish spoke to me. It knew me before I could recognize what I needed. The revelation was unnerving, yet the flavors were so comforting.  
  
“Did you save room for dessert?”  
  
“There’s dessert?!” I chuckled.  
  
“Actually, it’s a new dish I’ve been working on. It’s not on the menu yet because I don’t think it’s quite ready. I’d love your opinion on it.” Ban-chan’s eyes invited playfully.  
  
“Oh, I don’t think I’m the right person for the job,” I respectfully declined. “I have no professional experience in your field.”  
  
He scratched his nose and chuckled. “Did it ever occur to you that that’s the very reason I’m asking you? I don’t need another ‘professional’ opinion that lacks originality. I need a refreshing take not driven by ulterior motives, and preferably by someone I trust.”  
  
_Someone I trust._ I recalled how empowering it was to hear that from my own clients. Recent events had me second-guessing myself, but if Ban-chan is willing to put his trust in my tastes, then I wanted to do my best to help. That’s what trusting people does: it gives them strength. Had I been an encouragement for Sho-san when we were together? Did I empower him through my trusting him? Though my intentions believed so, it was clearly not enough to keep him.  
  
While I was lost in thought, Ban-chan had already taken to preparing the dessert. It seemed the bulk of the recipe had already been premade, since he returned from the kitchen in a few minutes’ time. On a simple, white plate was what looked like tiramisu, only slightly firmer.  
  
“To keep the slate as clean as possible, I’m not going to tell you what it is. Try it and give me your unbiased, first impression.”  
  
Ban-chan sat back down in his seat and waited patiently. With the dessert spoon, I scooped up a corner of it and took a bite. A good tiramisu has two, different textures: a light, spongy layer soaked in rum and coffee, and another layer of creamy mascarpone. What looked initially like tiramisu turned out to be something quite different. There was a doughy denseness that surprised me. After finishing the first bite, I took another and closed my eyes so I could block out any visual input.  
  
“I’m having a hard time describing this dish,” I said, eyes still closed.  
  
“That’s already a sign it needs improvement,” Ban-chan laughed.  
  
I snapped my eyes open. “No, no! I didn’t mean that in a bad way!”  
  
“But, whenever you taste anything truly delicious, you start dissecting the recipe right away,” he observed.  
  
He was right. Then, what about this dish did I not fully appreciate? I took another bite and noticed that the doughy texture took away from the creamy whipped later.  
  
“This dense, doughy part… it seems out of place because the whipped layer is so light and airy.” I took a sip of water. “I think a crunchier… maybe a fried layer… might work better.”  
  
The corners of his lips curled and his eyes sparkled. “Ah. More of a sfinci rather than a zeppole…” he mumbled to himself.  
  
“Hm?”  
  
He shook his head. “I think I get what you’re saying. That’s worth a try.”  
  
“...Did I make any sense?” I felt as though I were merely giving him a report on texture, not necessarily advice on how to improve the dessert.  
  
“I knew I could trust you,” he grinned. He then put his forearms on the table and leaned across the table to look me right in the eyes. “Are you free next Friday?”  
  
The question came out of nowhere and stunned me. What does that have anything to do with this dessert? My heart began to race and I wasn’t sure why.  
  
“If you have time, I’d like you to swing by my restaurant. Dessert will be on the house,” he invited, his big, brown eyes glimmering like a child’s.  
  
I still wasn’t sure how to respond. “U-Uh...m…”  
  
Suddenly, his eyes widened as if he realized something. “I didn’t mean that in a romantic way,” he clarified. “I just want you to be the first to try out our new dessert. You can bring your friends along, if you’d like.”  
  
_Oh, I get it now._ Although relieved to have him define the reason for his invitation, my heart continued to pound inside my chest and I was afraid to admit why. _What were you expecting, Kokoro?_  
  
“...Sure.”  
  
He made a peace sign with his right hand and smiled widely. For a moment, I saw the old Ban-chan I knew in middle school. Although tonight’s chance encounter was far from ideal, I sincerely appreciated that he purposefully did not ask any prying questions. Instead, he provided a safe place for me to release my emotions, invited me to dine with him because he knew deep down that I would be lonely otherwise, and gave my voice value when I felt worthless. Before the night was over, I was smiling again. My heart was still hurting, but I no longer felt lost.  
  
“Thank you, Ban-chan,” I verbalized my gratitude. “What would I have done if we didn’t run into each other tonight?”  
  
“Good to see you’re smiling again. Could I take you home? It’s getting dark out.”  
  
I shook my head quickly. “Oh, no, that’s okay. You’ve helped me plenty today. I’ll take the train home.”  
  
“You don’t learn, do you, Nijishima?” He let out a chuckle through his nose. “Let a guy be nice, will ya?”  
  
My mind began spiraling. Somewhere deep in my memory, I thought I could hear Sho-san’s faint voice say, “What’s wrong with letting someone take care of you, Miss Kokoro?” I felt my heart tightening. Everything reminded me of him. Though I had learned to live haunted by these memories, I didn’t think another man I knew could draw it out of me. No one ever told me that heartbreak could be literal.  
  
“I’ll compromise; let me call for a taxi, all right?”  
  
It seemed as though Ban-chan could tell I was fighting an invisible demon within. He didn’t press any further and offered me a way out while still giving himself some control of the situation. Although some guilt remained, I decided on listening to both the man in front of me and the man inside my head.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
“This is the restaurant? He must be rich!” Reiko’s eyes sparkled excitedly.  
  
“He’s our age? Damn.” Juri sighed, astonished. “Makes me feel like an underachiever.”  
  
Next Friday arrived alarmingly fast. As requested, I returned to Trattoria Baccanale with my two, best friends. Though there was no dress code, we were stopping by for dinner so all of us had dressed for the occasion. I had told the girls it’d be a night of pampering ourselves. While they both gave their first impressions of the restaurant, an elegant woman, perhaps in her mid-40s, greeted us at the door.  
  
“Good evening. Do you have a reservation?”  
  
“Uh, yes. Under Nijishima,” I replied. While I waited for my taxi, Ban-chan told me that night to give my name to the receptionist once I arrived. He said he’d take care of the rest.  
  
The woman’s face lit up as if a lightbulb had turned on in her head. “Ah, Nijishima-sama. It’s our pleasure to see you here. Right this way.”  
  
The familiar ambience greeted me and the delectable scents made my nose tingle. My friends followed closely behind, looking around to take it all in. Our table was at a corner of the restaurant with a lovely view of the garden outside. Once we had all taken a seat--Juri and Reiko side by side and me on the other side of the table-- I felt like I was in some interrogation room.  
  
“What _is_ this place, Kokoro?” Juri began.  
  
“And who do you have to know to frequent a fancy place like _this_?!” Reiko added.  
  
“Reiko. Kokoro doesn’t just frequent this place. She gets _invited_ by the owner,” Juri corrected.  
  
“You guys…!” I put my hands up for them to stop. “I’m just returning a favor.”  
  
Juri pointed her finger at me, then brought it to her chin. “About that…”  
  
“...What about it?” I asked.  
  
“Ban-san, was it?” she continued.  
  
I nodded.  
  
“Just _who_ is this man?” She narrowed her eyes suspiciously.  
  
Mine widened in return. “W-What?! Oh, no, no… it’s definitely not what you think it is.”  
  
Reiko chimed in, “Okay, but he spotted you as you left the cafe, let you cry to your heart’s content…”  
  
“In his own car, no less,” Juri interjected.  
  
“Right, in his own car. And then, he brought you to this restaurant outside business hours and made you dinner?” Reiko rolled her eyes, astounded that I seemed oblivious to the elephant in the room.  
  
“Exactly,” Juri agreed.  
  
“We’re old friends,” I clarified. “Wouldn’t you help a comrade in need, too?”  
  
They looked at each other and tilted their heads in disagreement.  
  
“Not to this extent,” said Reiko.  
  
“I’d only do this for the two of you,” Juri admitted.  
  
As I pondered on their speculations, a slender man came to serve us water and took our drink order. Juri was the only one who ordered wine. Reiko pointed to her belly and picked up her water, and I, of course, had no choice.  
  
“Are you still not up for drinking anything else?” Reiko asked, concerned.  
  
I smiled back to assure her. “It’s more out of habit now.”  
  
As if our conversation reminded her, Juri opened her mouth hesitantly. “Hey, Kokoro. About that time at the cafe…”  
  
“I’m so sorry,” Reiko put her hands together in front of her. “I yelled at Toma after we left the cafe. I can’t believe he brought Sho-san.”  
  
The memories came flooding back. Those cold, passionless eyes. The indifference in his voice. I didn’t want to believe he was the same man. If our hypothesis were true and he was indeed framed for money, couldn’t he find ways to prove all this wrong and turn it against his enemies? Was it enough of a reason to push me out of his life completely? I thought it over and over since, but no answer persuaded me. Instead, I was left with a sense of defeat, that he indeed is the father of that boy, and that Riina is the mother.  
  
“After you left, Sho-san stayed for a few minutes,” Juri filled the silence. “He didn’t say much, though. Didn’t even sit down.”  
  
Reiko nodded. “But, he did tell Toma that he shouldn’t make a decision he will regret. ‘What is best for the baby? What is best for Reiko-san? If the first question you asked yourself was, ‘What is best for me?’ you will regret your decision,’ he said.”  
  
“As much as I wanted to punch him in the face for hurting you, I couldn’t,” Juri sighed in frustration. “I can’t hate him. It annoys me to admit it, but I can’t.”  
  
I bit the inside of my cheeks to keep my emotions intact. I know that feeling all too well. No matter how much I wanted to hate the man, forget him and move on, I couldn’t. He was never a two-sides-to-a-coin kind of guy. He was like a kaleidoscope, beautiful and magnetic, yet changing and unpredictable. Though he stands tall, I know the demons within keep him from moving forward. It made him look fragile in my eyes and I couldn’t fathom crushing such a delicate soul. I didn’t want to abandon him.  
  
“Toma called me a few days after our meeting. He said he thought about it some more and wants to be in the child’s life in a significant way.” Reiko stated.  
  
“Meaning…?” Juri raised her eyebrows.  
  
“He wants to be a father. And a husband.”  
  
I sighed, relieved to hear the news. “That’s wonderful, Reiko. I’m so happy for you.”  
  
“He better have changed his mind. We wouldn’t have forgiven him otherwise,” Juri crossed her arms.  
  
Reiko looked into my eyes. “You know why he had a change of heart?”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“He said Sho-san called him so they could meet in private. Sho-san could tell Toma was struggling to make a decision. He convinced Toma to do the right thing and stay.”  
  
Juri took a sip of the wine that had been delivered to our table and pouted her lips. “See, _this_ is why I can’t hate the guy.”  
  
The right thing…? The #1 host of Akatsuki would never be caught dead mistreating a woman. If he told Toma to stay because of a child, then he would hold himself to the same standard. Was it inevitable that our relationship would end? Would things have been different if there was no child? What kind of fate would have awaited us if I had met him first?  
  
“Kokoro…” It took Juri’s concerned voice to realize I had started crying.  
  
“S-Sorry,” I forced a smile.  
  
“I know it’s not the happy ending we had all hoped for for you, but now I’m certain he made the decision in your best interest. He truly loves you,” Reiko spoke with quiet conviction.  
  
More tears made their way down my cheeks. _I know._ In my heart, I know that fully because I still trust him. Even in the sorrow he helped create, it seemed he was trying to comfort me. I didn’t know whether to feel anger or gratitude.  
  
“Excuse me.” The slender man returned with three antipasto dishes. “The chef has requested that I get you started with your course meal.”  
  
Only then did I realize that we had never received a menu. I quickly gathered myself and cleared my throat. “...I’m sorry?”  
  
“Please let me know in advance if any of you have food allergies or sensitivities.” He placed the antipasto in front of each of us. “This is a seasonal root vegetable bagna càuda.”  
  
I still wasn’t fully understanding the situation, but the pungent scent of garlic and anchovies filled the space and ignited our appetite. After looking across the table at two more confused faces, I eyed the slender man and raised my eyebrows for an explanation.  
  
“Tonight’s dinner is on the house.” He bowed politely and took his leave.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
“My god, Kokoro. You were keeping this place a secret from us this whole time?! This has got to be the best Italian food I’ve ever had!” Reiko exclaimed.  
  
“I wouldn’t mind if we made this restaurant our regular hangout,” Juri chimed in.  
  
Indeed, every course was delectable, full of flavor and yet, complementing the inherent aromas of each ingredient. Though I didn’t do any of the cooking, it made me happy to hear my friends rave about the food. I knew Ban-chan had the skills of an amazing chef, but it also takes a special talent to make people smile with your cooking. I almost wished he could see their joyful expressions because they were the fruits of his labor.  
  
“I apologize for the interruption. I came by to see if you enjoyed your meal.”  
  
“Ban-chan…!” I shouted a little too loudly. I brought my napkin to my mouth in embarrassment.  
  
“Good evening. I’m Ban, owner and chef.”  
  
He bowed toward Juri and Reiko, who were now stunned silent as they looked up at the man greeting them. Just under his chef’s hat rested defined eyebrows, gentle eyes that formed a crescent shape when he smiled, broad shoulders fitting well underneath a white, knot button jacket, clean, slender fingers crossed in front of his torso. He possessed a stately quality that seemed to enchant all those who interacted with him.  
  
“Was the meal to your liking?” He glanced over at me and smiled.  
  
“...I’m sorry. _You’re_ ‘Ban-chan’? Kokoro’s friend from middle school ‘Ban-chan’?” Reiko asked, wide-eyed.  
  
“I am,” he chuckled. “Had Nijishima given you a different impression?”  
  
Reiko’s jaw dropped to the ground. “S-She didn’t tell us you were so…”  
  
Ban-chan’s eyebrows rose playfully. “So…?”  
  
“U-Uh…!” I cleared my throat. “Ban-chan. That’s Reiko, and Juri. They’re my best friends.”  
  
“Reiko-sama. Juri-sama. It’s my pleasure to serve you,” he bowed again.  
  
“Everything was super delicious. I especially enjoyed the Ragù Napoletano. I could tell the meat was browned well and that it took hours and hours of cooking to get all those deep flavors. The onions and parsley pulled out all sorts of different aromas, too. You just keep upping your game,” I complimented.  
  
“I can count on you to notice the details,” he beamed. “Are we ready for dessert?”  
  
His eyes sparkled like a child’s. There was a sort of innocence about him that I had first attributed to my knowing him from earlier on in our lives. Now, I knew it was just who he was, excited about life and delighting others with his talents. It was a trait I had long left behind somewhere in the past, and it surprised me how someone could grow up in such a broken world and still keep that part of themselves intact. He embodied the things I no longer was, but wished I could be. I nodded, smiling back.  
  
“Oh, my god, Kokoro…” Reiko seemed like she was finally breathing again after Ban-chan left the table. “He’s gorgeous!”  
  
Juri, who hadn’t said anything since his arrival, finally opened her mouth. “You two were in the same class?”  
  
I nodded and stated matter-of-factly, “We sat next to each other.”  
  
Reiko slapped her forehead with her hand like I had said something offensive. “Seriously, Kokoro? I bet the other girls killed for that seat!”  
  
I hadn’t really thought about that before. He hung out with the popular crowd, the guys who used to tell me that “comfortable doesn’t attract us.” I suppose that meant he was also one of the popular ones. It never occurred to me to investigate his love life, though the rumor was that he never dated anyone in middle school.  
  
“We’re not trying to put ideas in your head,” Juri assured, then chose her next words carefully. “But, I think it’s okay to let yourself trust someone else.”  
  
I digested her words and understood what she was trying to say. Both of them had seen me drag my broken heart around for years when things fell through with Ryota, and I knew that they were simply looking out for me. In no way was I ready for anything new. In fact, it terrified me even thinking that someone could replace Sho-san. Still, I knew their hearts were in the right place.  
  
“Here you are: a Sfinci Tiramisu.”  
  
Ban-chan returned to our table with three dishes. I remembered what the dessert looked like that one night, so I was slightly shocked to see that not much had changed visually. As the name suggested, it looked like tiramisu on a white plate. It was cut in a triangular shape and adorned with cocoa powder and chocolate shavings. Upon first glance, I couldn’t really tell what had changed.  
  
“A what tiramisu?” Juri asked.  
  
“Sfinci. Think funnel cake, but fluffier on the inside and crunchier on the outside,” Ban-chan explained.  
  
“That sounds delicious!” Reiko replied delightfully.  
  
I took the dessert spoon and scooped up a corner of the tiramisu. The bite took my taste buds for a ride. Airy, mascarpone complementing the fluffiness of the fried dough, the hint of cinnamon working well with the rum. I would have thought the fried batter would make the dish too oily, but I was pleasantly surprised at how light it was. Though it looked like what I had tried last week, the dish had transformed into something absolutely divine.  
  
“What do you think?” Ban-chan asked eagerly.  
  
“...Wow.”  
  
He chuckled and scratched his temple. “Still not to your liking? I was expecting an essay.”  
  
I looked straight up at him with earnest eyes. “You’ve left me speechless. It’s that divine.”  
  
“Well, I can’t take all the credit.” He grinned from ear to ear like a kid receiving praise. “Your input really transformed the dessert.”  
  
Juri stared at me mid-bite. I glanced back with inquiring eyes. She took a sip of water and put her spoon down.  
  
“Wait… _you_ helped make this?” She asked, amazed.  
  
I shook my head. “No way! Ban-chan did the hard part. I just… ate it,” I chuckled.  
  
“You know how she gets when she eats,” Ban-chan teased. “I used her talents to my advantage.”  
  
“Oh, my god. So, she’s been critiquing food since middle school?” Reiko giggled.  
  
Ban-chan nodded as he looked over at me. “I knew I could count on her insight. It won’t appear on the menu until tomorrow. I wanted Nijishima to be the first to try her own creation.”  
  
My cheeks felt warm from all the teasing I had just received. And yet, I noticed something strange: I wasn’t mortified or uncomfortable in my own skin. In fact, there was a part of me that had embraced this quirk. I traced back my memory to figure out when I had changed the way I see myself and instantly regretted it. _All roads lead back to you, Sho-san._ There was no denying how much his encouraging ways had truly transformed me. Even though I could no longer share this moment with him, I thanked him quietly for helping me love myself, just as I am.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
“I’m stuffed!” Reiko huffed. “Thank you for such a wonderful meal.”  
  
“I feel incredibly guilty eating so much without paying a penny,” Juri added apologetically.  
  
Ban-chan smiled and bowed. “It was my pleasure. Please come back soon.”  
  
“We sure will,” Juri answered.  
  
“Let’s grab a taxi. I don’t feel like taking the train,” Reiko moaned.  
  
As Juri opened the doors to the restaurant, Ban-chan stopped me. “Nijishima, could I borrow you for a second?”  
  
Before I could respond, Reiko answered for me. “We’ll wait for you outside!” The doors closed behind them.  
  
“Thanks again for coming,” Ban-chan grinned.  
  
“Are you kidding me? I should be the one thanking you. You didn’t tell me you’d be treating us!”  
  
“You wouldn’t have come if I divulged that,” he said matter-of-factly. “Am I right?”  
  
He was. I pouted my lips in playful protest.  
  
After a quick chuckle, he cleared his throat. “Are you doing anything next Saturday?”  
  
“Well, I work the early shift so I should be free by evening. Why? Is it for me to try another dish, because I should start charging you for that,” I joked.  
  
“Actually, I was hoping I could take you out on a date.”  
  
_Excuse me...?_  
  
I thought I had misheard him at first, but his gaze was sincere and his expression, earnest. My mind began spinning. Was this really happening? Why now, after Juri and Reiko had inadvertently planted that little seed in my head? Is he really the same Ban-chan I knew in middle school? And, most puzzling of all, why did he assume I was available for a date? I never explicitly told him Sho-san and I had parted ways, though I suppose my emotional breakdown could have given me away. Still, I was full of questions to which I knew I didn’t know the answers. He waited patiently for me to respond, his eyes confidently poised in a determined gaze.


	20. The Curse of A Coward

It was a white lie.  
  
When I spotted Nijishima rushing out of that cafe, my eyes locked with a man wearing a white polo shirt. I remembered instantly who he was. His eyes, full of regretful yearning, traveled from Nijishima to me. When they noticed who I was, they glimmered in a kind of provocative way, as if to challenge me. “What are you going to do about it?” He seemed to dare me with one look. Well, now that you ask, I’m going to run after her, because you clearly aren’t going to.  
  
Sure, I pretended I ran into her on the streets. I told you already, it was a white lie. But, when I saw that she was crying, the pain crippling her, I couldn’t leave her alone. I wanted to protect and care for her. Her wrist felt cool in my hand though the muggy air surrounding us was smothering me. I decided not to ask any questions, but I knew for certain who had made her cry. It bothered me more than I liked, and even during our impromptu dinner, all I could think about was the look in his eyes before he saw me. I know that look. He still loves her. Then, why? Why didn’t he run after her? Why did he seem to provoke me instead? Did he know that I have rekindled feelings for her?  
  
There was really only one way to get the answers to my questions: talk to the man himself. I handed the taxi driver a few bills. “That should be enough to get you home,” I told Nijishima. After making sure it took off, I locked up the restaurant and headed back to my car. I knew next to nothing about the guy, so I had no other choice. Before I knew it, I had made my way back toward the cafe.  
  
It had been about three hours since I spotted Nijishima here, so chances were slim that I’d still find him inside the cafe. As expected, he was no longer there. I took a deep breath and slapped the wheel with both hands. Without a single lead, I was about to give up. Just then, I saw a couple walk out of a nearby restaurant. _Hm?_ I recognized the guy. He had been in the cafe earlier, sitting in the booth where Sho had been standing. The woman looked a bit tired. She grabbed his hand with both of hers and seemed to be pleading with him. After a few minutes, he tucked her hair behind her ears, kissed her on the forehead, and parted ways. This was my chance. I parked my car in the same nearby parking lot and trailed him. For some reason, I had a hunch he’d navigate me to the guy I needed to confront.  
  
After about a 20-minute walk, he turned a corner and made his way down a flight of stairs. I looked up at the tall edifice housing numerous businesses on each floor. Each sign screamed loudly for attention, except for the one I was looking for. Whatever business occupied the basement floor, it was purposefully discreet. After a minute or so, I followed his tracks.  
  
The steps led to onyx-colored doors. There was still no sign, but I was beginning to have my guesses about what kind of business operated inside. A glance at the photos beside the entrance removed all doubt.  
  
_Bingo._  
  
A nightclub host, huh? The No. 1 host, no less. I punched my chest for courage and opened the door.  
  
“I’m terribly sorry, sir. This club is for female patrons only.” A tall man in a fitted suit stopped me as soon as I took a step inside. He looked down at me to intimidate.  
  
“Excuse me. I’m just here to find someone,” I bowed.  
  
Before the tall man could say anything more to refuse me service, a familiar pair of eyes found me. At his table were six women who clearly left their pride at the door. Inebriated and empowered, they were throwing themselves at him, using any means to get his attention. He broke the stare to smile at his clients. It looked like he was saying something unagreeable for them, because the next second, loud moans filled the space. Still, he kept his perfect facade intact. After a quick bow, he left the table and made his way over to where I was standing.  
  
“I believe this gentleman has already informed you that this club is for women only?” The tone of his voice was eerily calm and professional.  
  
For a split second, I felt like the intruder I truly was, guilty of wanting a confrontation with a guy that didn’t deserve one. But then, I remembered that glimmer in his eyes from earlier.  
  
“I don’t mind waiting outside,” I stood my ground.  
  
“Very well.”  
  
He turned to the tall man, mumbled something, and turned back toward me. His lips were smiling but his eyes seemed to tell a different story. Of course. This is business; he can’t be seen breaking his character.  
  
“My clients are waiting. I can meet you after they’ve been entertained to their hearts’ content.” He bowed politely and headed back toward his table. Some mild screaming and sugary moans echoed off the walls as he sat back down to pour his clients an expensive bottle of champagne.  
  
I see what you’re doing. This is another challenge, isn’t it? You’re testing the extent of my patience, the level of my determination, the authenticity of my feelings for Nijishima. All right, then; challenge accepted. I exited the nightclub and bought a canned coffee from a nearby vending machine.  
  
\--  
  
“You’re comfortable to be around, Nijishima,” Takanashi flirted.  
  
“What does that mean?” She replied, genuine curiosity in her eyes.  
  
“But comfortable doesn’t attract us, you know?”  
  
Nijishima laughed it off. “Well, I’m glad I could be _that_ girl for you.”  
  
You don’t get it, do you? Can’t you tell Takanashi is crazy about you? Clearly not. But, I can. I know what he means to say, what he hopes you’ll understand. How am I so sure, you ask?  
  
“Hey, Nijishima. Did you bring your math textbook?”  
  
“Oh, no! I could have sworn I put it in my bag this morning. Great, and the teacher said he’d call on my row today to solve problems at the chalkboard...”  
  
“How did I know?” I grinned and placed mine on her desk.  
  
“Thank you so much, Ban-chan!” She beamed. “I’m lucky to be seated next to you.”  
  
How am I so sure, you ask? Because I like her. The other girls in class were all so predictable and asinine. They were pros at changing their demeanor to please whoever they interacted with, fake and cheap with their affection. That’s why I couldn’t stand to date any of them. Sure, I had my fair share of admirers but they didn’t mean a thing. I only wanted her attention. I wanted her to understand that “one of the guys” wasn’t necessarily an insult. Electrifying, volatile romance is enticing, but what do guys want at the end of the day? The end of their lives?  
  
\--  
  
_1:30AM._  
  
It seemed I had taken a trip down memory lane. I knew it was going to be a long night but he sure was taking his sweet time. Still, I tried to not let it bother me. It felt a bit like admitting defeat if I let myself get too worked up over something so petty. I dug into my pockets for more loose change and headed back to the vending machine for more coffee. It was then that I saw him coming out of the nightclub. He spotted me immediately, not a hint of surprise on his face to find me still waiting. After climbing up the stairs to ground level, he gave me a quick nod.  
  
“Mind if we talk over drinks?” He suggested. “I’m parched.”  
  
He didn’t wait for me to respond. Instead, he started walking toward a bar located a few blocks from his nightclub. I followed him in and sat down at the counter.  
  
“WhistlePig, neat.” He rested his arms on the counter and smiled politely at the bartender. Though I knew this was because he was used to being around alcohol, the whole string of events--from the moment he entered this bar to his drink order--flowed so smoothly, like he had done this countless times before. It felt like he had complete control over the situation and it bothered me.  
  
“Chivas Regal, on the rocks.”  
  
“You’re a whiskey drinker?” He observed.  
  
“Not really,” I replied.  
  
He chuckled briefly without looking my way. “I guess the small talk portion of this conversation is over.”  
  
I observed him tip the glass toward his nose. He took in the aroma of the bourbon before taking a sip. The backdrop of the bar seemed to suit him perfectly, the whole scene drawn like a painting. He remained silent, a cue for me to speak. It was as if he were waiting for me to bring up the topic of conversation even though he knew very well we were only here to discuss one thing. That air of confidence didn’t sit well with me.  
  
“Why didn’t you run after her?”  
  
He stared at the liquor selection on the wall. “Because I told her to run.”  
  
“...The hell does that mean?” I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.  
  
We were on two, different ends of the emotional spectrum. I felt volatile and argumentative; he was calm and unaffected. He still wasn’t looking at me, either to keep from divulging something through his eyes again or to physically distance himself from this conversation. I knew right away that he wouldn’t be giving me straightforward answers.  
  
“I just want her to be happy.”  
  
There it is again. Even though I couldn’t fully see his expression, I knew his eyes called longingly for Nijishima. I wasn’t sure what frustrated me more: the fact that I didn’t know how to come to terms with my rekindled feelings for her, or his deliberate refusal in claiming the heart she still so willingly gives him. When he brought Nijishima to Trattoria Baccanale, I couldn’t recognize her. That’s how much he had changed her. She was beaming, clearly happy to be with him. _“I just want her to be happy.”_ This was merely an excuse to deny an underlying fear.  
  
“What are you hiding from her?” I challenged.  
  
He finally looked my way but didn’t answer my question. “What difference would that make?”  
  
His deliberate attempts to avoid confrontation were starting to piss me off. It’s obvious he knows how I feel about her. Is he not threatened by my presence in the slightest? Did he even care that I was trying to court her?  
  
“Coward,” I scoffed.  
  
He kept his eyes on me, completely unaffected by the insult. In fact, his expression even seemed to soften a bit, as if he were accepting it as truth. I furrowed my eyebrows, perplexed by his reaction.  
  
“I’d rather be a coward than destroy her life,” he replied quietly after a while. “I’d wear that title with honor if it meant saving her.”  
  
His response left me even more confused. “I’d never seen Nijishima so vivacious than the time you two ate at my restaurant.” Though I didn’t want to admit it--especially to his face--there was no denying the truth. Even a fool could see that he was responsible for Nijishima’s transformation.  
  
He smiled gently as if he were recalling a fond memory. “She’s always had it in her. I only helped her discover it.”  
  
How infuriating. Is this guy listening to himself speak? What a blatant contradiction. What could bring a woman more happiness than the moment she finds her true self? Could there be anything more joyous than realizing that someone loves you not for who you want to become, but because they believed you were that person all along?  
  
I tapped my fingers irritably on the bar counter. “When I came to find you today, my initial plan was to confront you and ask if you’d be fine with me asking her out on a date. But what the hell is this? You clearly still adore her. Do me a favor and quit playing the victim.”  
  
His gaze left me and rested back on his drink. “If that’s why you’re here, you’re wasting your time.”  
  
“Excuse me?”  
  
“You don’t need my permission to date her.” He swirled the amber-colored drink and took a sip.  
  
I sighed in disbelief. Either he thinks so highly of himself that he believes I have no chance, or he is willingly giving up the woman he loves. It was beyond insulting, no matter which way the coin fell.  
  
“Are you fucking serious right now?” I glared at him. “Here I am declaring that I’m going to steal her away from you and you don’t give a shit?”  
  
He tilted his glass toward him, his lips puckering slightly as if he were confidently accepting a challenge. “There’s nothing to steal. She doesn’t belong to me.”  
  
I just about had it. My hands had become fists under the counter and I was fighting the urge to grab him by his collar. But, what he said next threw me for a loop.  
  
“At least I know she’ll be in good hands.” He finished his drink. “Don’t make a decision you’ll regret. This is a long time coming for you.”  
  
In three, succinct sentences, he revealed he knew so much about me. Though he had said I didn’t need his permission, he appeased me with one because he knew I wouldn’t take that next step without it. As expected, he was completely aware of my feelings for her--perhaps more than I was--and reminded that my attraction for her had haunted me since middle school. Conversing with him felt more like a confessing of secrets. I felt like an open book and wondered if this character trait was what helped Nijishima come out of her shell.  
  
As I pondered such things, he took out his wallet, pulled out a few bills, and placed them next to his empty glass.  
  
“Don’t be a coward,” he said, almost playfully, before leaving his seat and exiting the bar.  
  
Now alone, I heaved a sigh. _How the hell am I supposed to compete with that?_ He had unintentionally set the bar sky high. Clearly, Nijishima’s heart still belonged to him, but he willingly forfeited the battle. Is this another challenge? No matter the outcome, I knew I would regret not fighting this fight. As his words ricocheted in my head, I became determined to break this curse for good.  
  
\--  
  
“Actually, I was hoping I could take you out on a date.”  
  
She didn’t say anything for quite some time. I fought my instincts to jump in and disperse the tension. All I had to say was that I was just joking and this uncomfortable situation would come to an end. But, doing so would bring no progress. The curse would remain. I kept my determined gaze on her, hoping that she couldn’t hear my heart pounding against my chest.  
  
“...Ban-chan?” When she finally spoke, her voice was wispy and fragile.  
  
“Hm?” I cleared my throat to brace myself for the inevitable rejection.  
  
“Could I ask you something before I answer?” she asked sheepishly.  
  
“Shoot.”  
  
She bit her lips nervously, as if she knew what she was about to say would hurt me. “Why would you confess your feelings for a woman whose heart still clearly belongs to someone else?”  
  
_Ouch._ I mean, I was expecting rejection but a simple ‘no’ would have done the trick. I chuckled at her brazen question and rubbed the back of my neck.  
  
“Have you ever lived your life in regret?”  
  
Her expression pleaded I elaborate.  
  
“I missed my first chance two decades ago. I refuse to miss my second.” Sorry for being a bit cryptic, Nijishima. This is the best I can do without sounding like a completely lovestruck fool.  
  
As my words sank in, she let out a tiny gasp as her eyes widened. She brought a hand to her mouth in disbelief, but looked straight back at me.  
  
“Oh, my god…” she whispered to herself.  
  
I scratched my left temple nervously. It was clear she had no idea I had feelings for her, back then or now. “I hope you can understand why I don’t want to give up so easily this time.”  
  
The hand at her mouth slowly made its way back to her side. It seemed she was having an internal dialogue. Though my palms were sweaty and I could barely wait for her response, I gave her space to collect her thoughts.  
  
“I’m sorry.”  
  
_There it is._ Just like that, I got the rejection I expected. “I already knew your answer,” I chuckled defeatedly. “I just… didn’t want to miss this chance to tell you how I felt.”  
  
She bit her lips apologetically as her eyes began to well with tears.  
  
I deliberately let out a loud sigh. “You know,usually, the person getting dumped is doing the crying, not the other way around.”  
  
Tears began falling down her cheeks. Suddenly, I felt a tug. When I looked down, her hand was feebly holding on to my sleeve. _Damn it, Nijishima._ Why would you do this? Why would you purposefully make it harder for me to let you go?  
  
“...f the cafe...” she mumbled.  
  
“Sorry, what?”  
  
After a deep breath, she repeated more clearly. “When you spotted me that night outside of the cafe, I was relieved to see a friendly face.”  
  
Out of frustration, I threw her an audacious question. “Weren’t you expecting someone else?”  
  
She looked up for a moment after realizing what my question implied. “...You saw?”  
  
“Sorry.” I had intended to keep my witnessing him a secret from her, but it didn’t feel right not disclosing this information.  
  
She smiled feebly. “I wasn’t… and even if he had come looking for me, I think I would have kept running.”  
  
_“Because I told her to run.”_ His voice rung in my ears. It was clear she didn’t want to run on her own accord; she had been forced or was given no choice. Why? Does he think keeping her would ruin her life? Aren’t her tears proof that he’s done just that by leaving her, anyway?  
  
“Then, why didn’t you keep running when I called you?” It was an honest question.  
  
“...I don’t know.” The grip on my sleeve loosened as she let go. “I guess a part of me was screaming out for someone to find me.”  
  
Just moments ago, I was ready to give up. I got the rejection I knew I’d get; it was enough of a closure for me to end this 20-year-long chapter of my life. But now, as I saw her fingers curl away reluctantly, I felt my resolve wavering. How simple, how effortless it was for her to control my feelings. My hand instinctively reached for hers.  
  
“Hey.”  
  
A surprised pair of eyes looked my way. Her hand sat limply in mine.  
  
“Could you give me some time?”  
  
“...What?”  
  
_“Don’t be a coward.”_ His face, etched into my mind, was either taunting or encouraging me.  
  
“I want you to know me better. We can start off as friends.” It was a last-ditch effort. If she said ‘no’ again, then I would take her word at face value. I would walk away defeated.  
  
But no answer came for quite some time. She stared down at our hands and seemed to be deep in thought. Even if her heart belonged to someone else, I didn’t want to regret not giving mine. Even if she never looked my way, at least I stayed and fought the battle, unlike my opponent who dropped out of the race. Even if I couldn’t ever measure up to him, I wanted to say I won this small victory by staying. _Please say ‘yes,’ Nijishima. Give me a chance._  
  
Her hand moved inside mine as she slowly pulled herself away. _Ah. There’s her answer._ Although it wasn’t what I had hoped for, I wasn’t surprised.  
  
...Until she nodded her head.  
  
“Okay.” Her voice was almost inaudible.  
  
“...What?”  
  
“You’re right, Ban-chan. I… don’t know you like you know me,” she explained herself. “You deserve better than that.”  
  
My heart began to race. “Wait, so you’re saying…”  
  
She hesitated for a bit. I could tell she was struggling within, perhaps between the need to move forward and her reluctance to do so. It was a tug of war between her heart and me. But, without someone else tugging in the other direction, I felt the weight tip in my favor.  
  
“...I want to know you better.”  
  
It felt as though my heart did a backflip and I couldn’t hide my shock. Did I hear her properly, or was I imagining things I wanted to hear?  
  
“Wh... a-are you serious?” I stuttered.  
  
She nodded again, this time with more conviction. “It tells me a lot that you’d still take a chance on me, even after all these years.”  
  
And that was that. No matter how the cards fell now, I would be able to accept the outcome. 20 years later, I felt like my feelings were somehow finally validated, and that alone was enough. _“Don’t make a decision you’ll regret.”_ Once again, his words replayed in my head. I hated that he was living rent-free in my head, but for now, I let him be. It was he who encouraged--even enabled--this outcome, after all. He at least deserved recognition.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
_4:45PM._  
  
I arrived early at our meeting place. All week long, I replayed her words inside my head. A part of me was still in disbelief; was this really happening? I never thought, after carefully storing away my feelings decades ago, that a day like this would come. One thing was for sure: the curse had finally left me. I vowed to take things at a snail’s pace, to not push anything too soon. Though I had asked her out on a date, I reminded myself that shenever actually said ‘yes’ to the invitation; she only said ‘yes’ to the idea of getting to know me better. Besides, her heart still belonged to another. I remembered how he, too, still loved her. Am I just a fifth wheel, a fool who thinks he has a chance? I was losing confidence and the night hadn’t even started yet. I didn’t want to blow the chance to show her a side of me she’s never seen before.  
  
“Ban-chan…!” Her voice called.  
  
Even among the crowd of people, it seemed as though the space around her existed outside of time. The air around her was softer and sweeter, making the rest of the world look fuzzy. Had she always had this effect on me, or was I wearing rose-tinted glasses? It was hard to tell.  
  
“I’m sorry, did you wait?”  
  
A white, flowy blouse neatly tucked into a lavender-colored long skirt, paired with tan sneakers and a cross shoulder bag in the same color. Her hair was up in a messy bun, calculated, loose strands playfully contouring to her face. Maybe I _was_ wearing rose-tinted glasses. I couldn’t believe she was here. To meet me.  
  
“...No, I just got here,” I replied, too stunned to say anything else.  
  
She tilted her head and smiled softly. “Are you hungry?”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“Because I’m starving.”  
  
The memories from that chance encounter came flooding back. Though my insecurities refused to leave me, her eagerness gave me confidence. “I know just the place.”  
  
I had purposefully chosen casual dining so it would feel more like a dinner between friends instead of a couple on a first date. Just because I own a high-end restaurant, doesn’t mean I eat that stuff every day. We walked for about 10 minutes before reaching our destination.  
  
“Curry…?” She looked up at the sign.  
  
I nodded and teased, “They’re soup curries will have you writing a book.”  
  
“Will I be paid royalty fees?” She joked.  
  
I sighed quietly to myself, relieved to see that she seemed relaxed. Even if my time with her amounted to nothing, I could rest assured knowing she could be herself around me. Even if, in the end, her heart never finds a home in mine, she will have known that she is desirable and worthy of someone else’s time. I would be lying if I said I was doing this for nothing in return. Selfishly, I hoped that she would one day be mine. But, more than anything, I wanted her to be happy. If that meant I wasn’t in the equation, so be it. Poetically enough, I now understood what Sho meant. I didn’t want to admit it, but his love for her was deeper than mine.  
  
As expected, she went on and on about her vegetable and chicken curry, about the different spices, the tenderness of the chicken, and how it paired so nicely with the barley rice. I recalled how she used to do that with our school lunches or bento boxes and couldn’t help but smile. What a fool I was not to take that chance the first time around.  
  
“Go ahead and make fun of me if you’d like,” she pouted, noticing that I had been grinning.  
  
I shook my head. “It’s not that.”  
  
“What is it, then?” She eyed me suspiciously.  
  
“I have a confession to make.”  
  
The spoon in her hand stopped moving as her earnest eyes focused on my next words.  
  
“What if I told you you were partially responsible for my becoming a chef?”  
  
Her expression quickly turned into a surprised one. “...What?”  
  
“Seeing your face light up every time you tasted something delicious, I thought, ‘How wonderful it’d be to make people smile for a living.’ I was always interested in cooking, but I didn’t know how to channel that passion until I met you.”  
  
It was true. In my naivete, I even hoped that I could be the guy who witnessed her joyful outbursts on a daily basis. If my cooking could have this effect on her, I thought as a teenager, maybe then, I’ll have what it takes to make her happy. After graduation, we lost touch completely. I regretted not telling her how I felt, but in hindsight, that was what fueled me toward this profession. I was certain our paths would no longer cross, but of course, as fate would have it, she was with another man when they did. Still, my heart filled with longing as finally, after two decades, she sat in my restaurant raving about the dishes I had prepared.  
  
She smiled widely, her eyes watering a bit. “You just helped me love this side of myself even more. Thanks, Ban-chan.”  
  
Nijishima. I know I’m not the one who resides in your heart. But, am I at least in your peripheral vision? Am I making a difference in your life? Do you think this fool deserves a chance?  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
After a leisurely dinner, I walked her back to the train station to call it a night. There was still so much more I wanted to show her, so many places I wanted to take her, so much left unsaid. But, I knew that the best way to convey the sincerity of my feelings for her was to let her take the lead. This was only the first “date,” after all. The goal for tonight was to make sure she enjoyed her time; the mission was to secure another date.  
  
“Thanks, Ban-chan. I had a really good time, and I’m stuffed!” Nijishima planted her feet just before the ticketing gates and turned my way.  
  
“Thanks for giving me a chance,” I smiled.  
  
Her gaze floated around a bit before she tipped her head downward shyly. “Hey, Ban-chan…”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“You shouldn’t be short on women who are willing to give their hearts completely to you. Why me? Why would you deliberately choose the one who can’t even commit to calling this a date?” When she looked up, her expression was brushed with remorse.  
  
I chuckled as I put my hands in my jean pockets. “You know the answer to that question, Nijishima.”  
  
“...I do?”  
  
I nodded. “Because you’re aren’t like most girls.”  
  
She seemed confused as she dissected my words, so I decided to throw her a lifeline.  
  
“‘One of the guys’ isn’t synonymous with ‘unattractive.’ Actually, that’s what stood out about you.”  
  
She bit her lips as if to keep the emotions from overflowing. Suddenly, I had an epiphany. Could it be that perhaps, she, too, was fighting a 20-year-long curse? No matter what happens between us, I now knew with conviction that it was my duty to help her break this curse. I was there for the start of it; I vowed to see the end of it, too.  
  
“You really haven’t changed a bit,” I continued. “And that’s a compliment.”  
  
“Ban-chan…” Her hands gripped tightly onto her purse.  
  
“Nijishima.”  
  
“...Hm?” she sniffled.  
  
“I was wondering if I could ask you out on another date.” There was no hesitation in my voice. This was not a selfish invitation; helping her heal was now my responsibility.  
  
Her eyes brimmed with tears, but out of her mouth escaped a defeated chuckle and a playful rebuttal. “You know the answer to that question.”  
  
I waited until she made her way up to the train platform and I could no longer see her. Tonight still felt surreal. With another date to look forward to, there was a noticeable bounce in my step. I felt like basking in the good vibes a little while longer, so I entered a bookstore on my way back home. I had visited this store countless times to pass time or to chance upon interesting nonfiction. But, for some reason, I felt something tugging me toward a section I’d never cared to browse before. The shelves were full of colorful covers and beautiful aesthetics. Photos of landscape, portraits, animals, and everyday objects adorned periodicals and how-to books.  
  
It was then that one magazine in particular caught my attention. Perhaps the next person would have glossed over it for its simplistic cover. It was breathtaking, but not for obvious reasons. I picked up a copy with my hands and realized they were now clammy. As I stared at the understated photo on the cover, I wondered what her expression was. The woman cooking in the kitchen with her back toward the camera was someone I knew so well, and yet, still knew far less than the person who had immortalized this spellbinding moment.  
  
  
  
_**Photography Life**  
Grand Prize Winner of The New Cosmos of Photography Contest (Winter Edition)  
\- Sakurai Sho -_


	21. The Thing About Trust

“He WHAT?!”  
  
“What did you reply?”  
  
Reiko and Juri respectively asked for clarification after I joined them outside of Trattoria Baccanale. At the beginning of my conversation with Ban-chan, I was certain what my answer would be. In fact, I did provide him with my initial rejection to such a forward question. But, when he confessed that he had felt that way about me 20 years ago and that he still wanted to pursue me despite my heart being held hostage by someone else, I couldn’t justify any other response to his sincerity. It wasn’t out of pity; I certainly didn’t feel ready to be in a new relationship. Still, nothing would change by sulking and looking back on the past. It was how I got into this situation in the first place; Sho-san’s past was a prison and he refused to be exonerated. The only direction I could go was forward.  
  
After I recapped the conversation for my friends, Reiko started tearing up for some reason and Juri crossed her arms, grinning.  
  
“Kokoro, I’m so proud of you!” Reiko hugged me.  
  
I chuckled. “Why?”  
  
“Because! You’re taking care of yourself.” She wiped a tear rolling down her cheek.  
  
“Take your time. Go only as fast as you feel you can go,” Juri reminded.  
  
As a cool breeze passed by us, I was reminded yet again that I have the two, best friends in the world. Though my heart was having trouble keeping up with the pace, though it pumped on the brakes even now, I knew I had to move on. There was no forgetting the memories. It was an impossible task to stop thinking about the man I still loved deeply. Yet, even my broken heart knew there was nowhere else to go but toward the future.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
“Is this… a planetarium?”  
  
“Yeah. Let’s get inside.”  
  
A season had past since I agreed to start hanging out with Ban-chan. Different shades of oranges and reds adorned the trees and there was a slight chill in the air. Though winter had yet to come, getting out of bed in the morning had already become somewhat of a chore, as I reluctantly left the warmth of my bed to get ready for work every day. Ban-chan and I met periodically, but each time, he would be the one to extend the invitation. I told him I felt bad about it, but he reassured me that he didn’t mind. Sometimes, I was overcome with guilt for seeing Ban-chan on my terms. He clearly has feelings for me that I can’t reciprocate, at least not yet. But, what if I never can? I would have just led him on, given him a false sense of assurance that I would one day feel the same way about him. He would have wasted his days courting someone who would never look his way. It made me feel like I was just using him for emotional comfort and I hated myself for it.  
  
Ban-chan, on the other hand, seemed perfectly content with how things were progressing. Not once did he make a move with ulterior motives. I assumed that he would at least try to hold my hand after several dates, but so far, no physical contact to speak of. Aside from him leading me by the wrist that night he found me outside the cafe, he almost seemed to prevent contact whenever possible. I didn’t know if I should feel relieved or disappointed, and even the mere fact that I was having such thoughts told me a lot about how things were progressing on my end. We had gone out for meals a good number of times now, but tonight was the first time he suggested we make a second stop. I found myself feeling excited that I would be spending more time with Ban-chan. Like it or not, my heart was slowly catching up.  
  
“Something wrong?” Ban-chan waited at the welcome booth inside the planetarium and looked behind him. Lost in thought, it seemed I hadn’t taken a step from the entrance.  
  
“N-No, sorry.” I scurried toward him and grabbed a pamphlet. “Hey, look. There’s a show in 30 minutes.”  
  
Ban-chan smiled. “I know.”  
  
He then pointed in a different direction from the theater and called for me to follow him. Had he researched the showtimes beforehand? I wondered if these little gestures were all part of his plan to make me feel comfortable. Not once during our dates did I feel forced or pushed to do or say anything I wasn’t ready to. Was he avoiding physical touch because he knew I wasn’t fully invested in him? Was he waiting for me to give him the green light?  
  
“Feel like a drink?” Ban-chan’s question snapped me from my thoughts.  
  
Next to the giftshop was a stylish bar, the walls lit with constellations. Though I hadn’t stepped into a bar since that last night with Sho-san, Ban-chan’s eyes invited me to take courage. Though I hesitated for a moment, I pushed through the fear and joined him.  
  
“Look, the menu items are names of constellations.” He pointed to one. “I’ll have to try the Perseus.”  
  
“Perseus?”  
  
“And…” He skimmed the menu until he seemed to spot the name he was looking for. “You should order the Andromeda.”  
  
I looked at him confused. “Wait, what do you mean?” I knew nothing about constellations or the mythology behind them, but his decisiveness piqued my interest.  
  
“Have a sip first.”  
  
We sat down at the counter and watched the bartender mix our respective orders. Rum, cream of coconut, and pineapple juice in one cocktail glass, rum, Campari, lime, and pineapple juice in another. Sweet overtones tickled my nose.  
  
“Here you are, Miss. Your Andromeda.” The bartender placed a light yellow drink in front of me. “And this is your Perseus, Sir.”  
  
Ban-chan picked up his glass and raised it. “To… old friends?”  
  
I remembered that night he first saved me. We had clinked our water glasses to celebrate our reunion. I could have repeated that night by meeting my drink with his, but I felt more confident tonight.  
  
“No…” I shook my head.  
  
“No?” Ban-chan’s eyes widened as he chuckled. “What’d you have in mind?”  
  
I picked up my cocktail. “To… possibilities.”  
  
Ban-chan’s eyes, always full of positive energy, now harbored a fire I’d never seen before. It was intense and I couldn’t look away. Instead of toasting, he placed his drink back down on the counter.  
  
“Hey, Nijishima.”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“Am I understanding you correctly?” He furrowed his eyebrows.  
  
“...What do you mean?”  
  
“I don’t want to toast to something you’re not fully ready for,” he explained. “But, if that’s indeed what you meant, then…”  
  
There was no time to react. A free hand reached toward my face and his fingers caressed down from my temple down to my chin. I small but audible gasp escaped my lips as my mind tried to catch up to the situation. He searched my reaction eagerly, trying to gauge if he had crossed some prohibited line. I took a deep breath and looked down at my drink.  
  
“That’s what I meant,” I reassured.  
  
He retracted his fingers slowly, then flopped his hand down to his side as if he had lost the bones in his arm.  
  
“I can’t believe this is happening right now…” Ban-chan mumbled to himself, not looking my way. “Am I dreaming?”  
  
Seeing his reaction brought a kind of warm, fuzzy feeling. Unlike men who were confident and forward with their words and actions, Ban-chan exercised an impressive amount of self-control. It was obvious he had been waiting for me to allow him to cross this line. All this time, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to; he wanted to make sure that I wanted to. It was his sincerity in full display.  
  
“I don’t know,” I chuckled. “You haven’t clinked glasses with me yet so it could all be in your imagination.”  
  
“Oh, shoot!”  
  
He quickly grabbed his drink and met it with mine. We looked at each other and laughed. It was then I realized that the past only has control over you if you give it the power to direct your life. I could have let years go by again, like I had done before with Ryota, before stepping out of my self-created prison. But, I’m glad I took a chance because I felt strong. It was still too soon to look back on my memories with Sho-san without sorrow, but I knew I didn’t have to let them command my future. Though I couldn’t deliver this epiphany in person, I wished deeply that Sho-san would realize this, too. Even if I had failed to free him, I hoped he would experience liberation.  
  
The drink that met my lips was sweet, the coconut smoothing out the edges of the pineapple’s acidity, and the rum binding the concoction together. The sip that broke my sobriety streak twinkled with the unknown; it was no longer an unfounded fear, but a welcomed friend.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
Ban-chan and I sat adjacently on a comfy loveseat. It reclined nearly 180 degrees so that guests could view the ceiling screen without discomfort. Soft, ethereal music played in the background, sometimes engulfed by nearby chatter. As the space filled up, staff members closed the doors and dimmed the lights.  
  
“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Welcome to Constellations of The Universe, a world-famous and award-winning planetarium show.”  
  
The woman’s voice was unbelievably soothing; it was the kind you’d hear on a late night radio show. Ban-chan and I adjusted our seats and stared up. What used to be a bare ceiling was now twinkling with more stars than I could count. I suddenly felt small as I took in the view of the galaxy above us. As the woman explained some of the main constellations, those stars would twinkle brighter and call for attention. Not only was this show fascinating and beautiful, it was also informative and educational.  
  
Suddenly, I felt hesitant fingers searching for mine. _To possibilities._ I moved my hand closer to his. He took it gently and gave it a tiny squeeze.  
  
“Next, we have Perseus, named after the Greek mythological hero, Perseus.”  
  
I snapped my head toward Ban-chan. It only just occurred to me that he never explained why he had ordered those particular drinks. Was this the reason why he chose to hold my hand at this moment during the show? Did he know an explanation was coming? He kept his gaze up at the ceiling.  
  
“Perseus is one of the most celebrated heroes in Greek mythology. He lived a life of adventure, with one of his feats being killing and beheading Medusa. Perseus was flying home with the head of Medusa when he came upon a girl who was about to be devoured by the sea-god, Poseidon. It was love at first sight for Perseus. He struck a deal with Cepheus and Cassiopeia that if he saved the girl from the monster, he would win the right to marry her. Though he successfully defeated Poseidon, he realized only after the fact that this girl was already promised to another man. But, Perseus, not being one to back down from a battle, decided to fight for the girl. Though outnumbered, he used the head of Medusa to turn his opponent into stone. He won his bride fair and square, and they lived happily ever after.”  
  
The woman paused for a moment briefly before continuing.  
  
“Now, who is this lucky girl?” The ceiling flickered as Perseus’s constellations dimmed and a new constellation glowed. “This is Andromeda, Perseus’s wife. The gods placed them side by side in the sky so that even in death, their story would be immortalized in the stars.”  
  
Ban-chan continued to gaze up at the ceiling full of stars, seemingly unaffected by the narration. The hand that held mine hadn’t moved a bit. I could hear the woman’s soothing voice continue explaining other constellations in the sky, but it was in one ear and out the other. How was I supposed to focus after learning that? His long eyelashes fluttered with every blink, the browns of his eyes twinkling like constellations of their own. If I were an artist, I would have undoubtedly captured this ethereal moment for posterity. Pretty soon, the lights slowly turned back on, erasing the stars with a warm glow. Now that I could see his face more clearly, I instinctively looked away.  
  
“Let’s get going.” Ban-chan adjusted the seat upright and slowly released my hand.  
  
“Right…” My lone fingers curled shyly.  
  
I followed his lead and left the planetarium. He walked slightly ahead of me, and though he’d turn his head to check up on me from time to time, he didn’t say anything the whole way back to the nearest train station. Was something upsetting him? I couldn’t recall anything in particular, but it was obvious he wasn’t himself.  
  
“Ban-ch...”  
  
“Sorry!” He turned around and bowed once we reached the ticketing gates.  
  
“What…?”  
  
“Just so you know, I’m not this cheesy most of the time.” When he lifted his head, his whole face had turned several shades redder. “That narrator had to go and blow my cover…”  
  
_Wait… so, he had no idea?_  
  
“...But, you held my hand just as she started explai--”  
  
“That was purely coincidental! Terrible timing!” He clicked his tongue irritably.  
  
“...Ban-chan?”  
  
“I wasn’t going to tell you what those constellations meant. I mean, if you were truly curious, you could have Googled it on your own without me.”  
  
He scratched the side of his head, mortified by what had happened in the planetarium. He looked at me uncomfortably and waited for my response. I couldn’t help but giggle. _Sorry, Ban-chan._ It’s this side of you that I want to get to know better.  
  
“But, Ban-chan.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“If you really didn’t want me to know about those constellations, you wouldn’t have ordered those drinks in the first place.”  
  
_Is he pouting? Oh, my god. He is._ I couldn’t keep it in anymore. Once the laugh escaped my lips, there was no stopping it.  
  
“Hey, quit it!” He fought back.  
  
“Sorry, it’s just that…” I pursed my lips to contain myself. “I never expected you to be so cute.”  
  
He narrowed his eyes in protest. “That’s not a compliment.”  
  
“Sure it is!” I assured. “It’s refreshing, actually. I wouldn’t have pinned you for a hopeless romantic.”  
  
He combed his bangs back with his hand and sighed. “If you’re going to call me names, could you drop the ‘hopeless’ bit?”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“‘Hopeless’ romantic implies I’m a lost cause,” he explained. “At least call me a hopeful one.”  
  
“A hopeful romantic…”  
  
“And since I’ve been exposed…” He inched closer. “Might as well go all in.”  
  
The determination in his eyes made my heart race. I thought I had the upper hand in this lighthearted conversation; suddenly, I felt the power tip in his favor.  
  
“I’ve never slain a monster, and I sure as hell am not nearly as confident as Perseus is in his pursuits. Hell, for a hopeful romantic, I’ve never fallen in love at first sight.” He paused and collected his thoughts. “But, you are a battle I chose to fight, Nijishima. I know my odds are slim, but here I am.”  
  
I’d never seen it that way before. Had Ban-chan been in battle all along, in an earnest attempt to win against his opponent? More importantly, was this opponent me? All along, I believed that Sho-san still possessed my heart, that whoever the next guy was, he would be competing against nearly impossible standards set by the No.1 host at Akatsuki. I was wrong. This preferential yardstick was something I created myself, a kind of prison I thought was fabricated by the one who left me behind. How unfair of me to compare two, completely different men? This epiphany changed everything. If Ban-chan was fighting me, not Sho-san, then his goal was not to win. Then, why? Why did Ban-chan continue to see me?  
  
“Remember our mid-year school trip?”  
  
His question seemed so off-tangent I couldn’t respond promptly. “...The one in Kamakura?”  
  
He nodded. “The teacher divided us up into groups for dinner. Do you remember what you said to me when I gave you my share of dessert?”  
  
I bit my lower lip nervously. Regrettably, I didn’t.  
  
“It’s okay, I didn’t expect you to remember such a small detail,” Ban-chan reassured. Yet, I knew now that this was no “small detail” for him. Why else would he remember and bring it up 20 years later? I felt terrible and cursed my poor memory.  
  
“...I hope I thanked you, at least…” I replied feebly.  
  
“Of course,” he chuckled through his nose. “Then, you said to me, ‘I don’t know why you’re so comfortable to be around, Ban-chan.’”  
  
_“You’re comfortable to be around, Nijishima.”_  
  
Again, the words resurfaced like a haunting image. Had I used the same word to describe someone so kind to me, knowing how much it hurt to hear it? I felt disgusted with myself.  
  
“...I said that? I’m so sorry, Ban-chan.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
_What…?_ “You’re… not offended?”  
  
“That was the moment I fell in love with you.”  
  
His words hung in the air like a thought bubble. My mind wasn’t fully processing what my ears had just heard. How was it possible that a word so insulting to me back then had been the same word that captured this man’s heart?  
  
“I really don’t think you know what ‘comfortable’ means.” Ban-chan put his hands in his jacket pockets. “When I held your hand for the first time at the planetarium earlier, I thought my heart was going to burst through my ribcage. When we toasted to ‘possibilities,’ I thought my lungs had collapsed. Just recalling those events makes my hands clammy and my lips dry.”  
  
Still in need of further explanation, I tilted my head in confusion.  
  
“Those are exciting moments, seeing sparks fly in hopes that feelings will catch fire. But, those moments aren’t sustainable, at least for the majority of us. I mean, have you ever looked at an elderly couple and thought, ‘They must have a fiery relationship’?” He chuckled.  
  
I shook my head, though still perplexed at where this conversation was going.  
  
“‘Comfortable’ is what you want at the end of your life. You want to be in the company of those who love you in spite of your flaws, with whom you can be yourself without fear of being judged. ‘Comfortable’ is the absence of guessing games and misunderstandings. And ‘comfortable’ is the highest compliment anyone has ever paid me, and you’re the only person who has ever called me that.”  
  
I felt like someone was wringing my lungs as I struggled to breathe. His words were like a balm, soothing and healing old wounds. Things were finally beginning to make sense decades later.  
  
“Now, consider all those times back in middle school when the guys in class called you by the same name.” Ban-chan continued to explain, but he no longer needed to. I finally understood what he was trying to do, and his kindness was almost debilitating.  
  
“Ban-chan, stop…” My voice quivered.  
  
“Nijishima.”  
  
“Yes…?” I looked down at my feet.  
  
I felt warmth envelop me first before my mind could grasp what had happened. Against my ear I could hear the steady beating of his heart, the soft material of his jacket tickling my cheek. His hands at my back were pulsing, emanating heat. I felt Ban-chan take a deep breath and realized that he, too, was nervous and uncertain about this bold move. In his embrace, I could hear the shackles come loose. Ironically, I felt liberated though I was unable to move with his arms around me. Had I been inside yet another self-created prison cell this whole time? Ban-chan’s words seeped into my very psyche as I felt the curse leave me. My shoulders relaxed and I let my weight shift onto his chest. His arms squeezed me even tighter.  
  
“Ban-chan… I can’t breathe…” I whispered.  
  
“O-Oh, sorry.” His arms released me immediately, but I pulled him back in. This time, I embraced him.  
  
“That’s not what I said.”  
  
I could feel his arms floating on either sides of his body, not knowing what to do. “...Hm?”  
  
“I never said let go.”  
  
After a lengthy sigh, he slowly brought his arms back around. “Tell me I’m not dreaming,” he mumbled.  
  
“May I have your attention, please. Customers waiting for the Hibiya Line for Nakameguro, thank you for your patience. The problem at Ginza station is now resolved, and we should expect a train to arrive shortly. We apologize for the inconvenience.”  
  
A muffled announcement resounded from inside the train station. Ban-chan pulled away reluctantly.  
  
“Isn’t that your train?”  
  
I nodded. “Yeah…”  
  
“I didn’t even notice there was a delay.”  
  
“Me, neither.”  
  
There was a pause in our conversation. It was one of those silences that you wanted to fill.. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but it strongly urged action. More lighthearted banter before the goodbyes, perhaps? Maybe secure another date before saying goodnight? For better or for worse, I truly was feeling more confident today. Before I could second-guess myself, I grabbed both sides of his jacket near his chest, pulled myself up onto my tiptoes, and planted a soft kiss on his lips.  
  
“Good night, Ban-chan. I had a lot of fun today.” My cheeks were starting to feel warm, so I gave him a quick wave and turned around toward the ticketing gates in hopes that he didn’t catch me blushing.  
  
“W-Wait, Nijishima…!”  
  
But, my hopes were in vain. He grabbed me by the wrist, turned me around, and stared into my eyes. He looked genuinely surprised.  
  
“Are you serious?”  
  
“...Hm?”  
  
“You’ve got to be kidding me…” He covered his face with his free arm.  
  
“Ban-chan?”  
  
“This is not how I had imagined it at all,” he mumbled. “I never thought you’d be the one to make the first move…”  
  
_Is that what you’re battling with, Ban-chan? That I kissed you first instead of the other way around?_ Indeed, this was the side of him I wanted to get to know more. I bit my lips to stifle a laugh.  
  
“I’m sorry.”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“It seems I like baffling you,” I smiled.  
  
He let out a dry laugh. “Clearly.”  
  
“I think I finally know why you’re so comfortable to be around, Ban-chan.” I tucked the strands of hair by my face behind my ears. “Thank you for giving ‘comfortable’ a chance.”  
  
I was ready to turn back around again, but before I could, I felt a hand cradling the back of my head. His eyes shifted nervously.  
  
“My turn.”  
  
I had just enough time to take a breath before yearning lips met mine, scooping my upper lip with his lower lip. When he broke the seal, I freed the air in my lungs.  
  
“Get home safely.” His last words of the night were the dreamiest I had ever heard from him.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
Even on the train, I felt like my feet weren’t touching the ground. It wasn’t just the physical closeness I had just experienced. I felt as though I had had a breakthrough; it felt like we connected on an emotional level, that I was finally learning more about the Ban-chan he wanted me to meet. Only now did it occur to me that, though I had trusted Sho-san with my life, he didn’t trust me with his. He was a master at reading my mind and knew what I wanted even before I did, but did I truly know Sho-san on the same level? More importantly, did he _let_ me get to know him? It pained me to admit that I knew the answer to my own question. Meanwhile, Ban-chan wears his heart on his sleeve. He _wants_ me to get to know him better. The two couldn’t be more different.  
  
Lost in thought, I only noticed that I had missed my stop after the train doors closed. _Shoot._ Fortunately, it was a walkable distance from the next station to mine, and I was in the mood for a stroll to digest what had happened today, anyway. After exiting the station, I opened my phone app to double check the route home. _A 25-minute walk._ I decided to stop by a convenience store along the way for some breakfast bread, but when I exited the store with my purchases in hand, I immediately regretted my decision.  
  
Across the street, I spotted a car I’ve seen on many occasions. In fact, I’d ridden in it quite a few times. The white Nissan X-Trail had its hazards on. The driver opened his door and made his way to the other side of the car to open the left, backseat door. I wasn’t sure why, but my heart was screaming at me to run. And yet, like a fool, my feet moved in the other direction, trying to give me a better view of what was happening on the other side of the two-way street.  
  
He had trimmed his hair since the last time I saw him, though, as far as I could tell in the dim street lighting, he kept the same color. There was a prickling in my heart at the thought of someone else touching and styling his hair. _He’s not yours anymore, Kokoro._ It was only after I had reminded myself so that I noticed who was standing beside him. Those long, perfectly curled locks? A confidence I could sense even across the street? I didn’t even need to see her face. A small boy stood beside her, holding her hand.  
  
The man squatted to meet the boy at his line of vision. After saying something, he smiled lovingly and pat him on the head before standing back up. The woman then opened her mouth to speak, but the man interrupted her. After he was finished, he put up a hand to sign farewell, then returned to his seat behind the wheel. The car merged with traffic and was soon engulfed by the night.  
  
A trembling sigh left me. _Sho-san…?_ Had I just imagined him? Had my mind fabricated this moment out of desperation? My legs felt weak and my stomach, queasy. I managed to take my phone out of my purse. In my recents, I saw a name I really wanted to call. But, I knew that he lived in a completely different direction and it would be trouble for him to come all the way out here, especially since we had just said farewell. I opened my LINE messages and remembered that Reiko and Juri both had prior engagements tonight. _The sound thing to do would be to walk home as planned, Kokoro._ But, a wounded heart needs company. I remembered that if I walked away from home in the other direction, there was a place where the hurting could drown their sorrows away. And that’s exactly what I wanted to do.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
“...Kokoro-san?” A familiar voice greeted me at the door.  
  
“A Lemon Drop, please. And fill that shot glass to the brim.”  
  
As I plopped onto an empty counter seat, Hayato-san looked at me, full of concern. I could tell he wanted to ask me what was wrong, but it’s not like he didn’t have a clue. He busied his hands against his better judgment and placed the vodka shot in front of me. The sugar-coated lemon wedge shimmered on the small plate next to the glass.  
  
“How many of these do you think I’ll need before I forget about tonight?” I picked up the shot glass and provoked.  
  
“Excuse m--?”  
  
Before Hayato-san could finish his sentence, I downed the clear liquor and quickly chased it down with a bite of the lemon wedge. The vodka burned down my throat but my lips puckered from the sourness, my tongue enjoying the sweet crystals melting on it.  
  
“Give me another one.”  
  
“K-Kokoro-san, I don’t think you--”  
  
“Hayato-san. Don’t patronize me.” I eyed him desperately. “Please.”  
  
His eyebrows bowed downward, his eyes full of pity. I knew that he was just looking after me. In any other situation, I would have appreciated his attempt to save me from myself. But, accountability was not what I wanted right now. As if he had given up, Hayato-san let out a quiet sigh and poured me another shot of vodka.  
  
It wasn’t until six, empty shot glasses later that I realized the room had started spinning. I put my burning cheeks directly on the counter, the cool surface inviting me to stay. My heart was throbbing at my ears and my fingers and toes felt tingly.  
  
“Hayato-sa~n…” I hummed.  
  
“Yes, Kokoro-san?”  
  
“Pour me another.”  
  
“I can’t do that.”  
  
I pulled my heavy head away from the counter and opened my eyes to look at him. “Why not?”  
  
“Because I care about you,” he replied without hesitation.  
  
“Oh, please,” I scoffed. “Save me your pity.”  
  
“Kokoro-san.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“How about this?” He proposed. “I’ll pour you another drink if you tell me why you want it. If the reason is persuasive enough, I’ll ask no more questions.”  
  
_So, this is how you’re going to pry it out of me, huh?_ Fine, then. This was going to be an easy win, anyway. After he hears what I went through tonight, he’ll be pouring me a whole bottle.  
  
I traced the rim of one of the empty shot glasses with my index finger. “I had my first date at a planetarium. I even ordered a drink at the bar. I was finally making progress.”  
  
“...Hm?”  
  
“He’s a great guy. Too good for a gal like me.”  
  
Hayato-san nodded after a brief moment, seeming to understand my cryptic conversation. “You must not want to drink those memories away, then.”  
  
“No, I don’t.” My voice became stern and resentful. “Why is he always like this, inviting himself back into my life when I’m trying my best to move on? He’s the one who told me to run…”  
  
How rude. _If you want me to forget about you, then give me a chance. _He never played fair, and even now, I felt like I was playing a game I couldn’t ever win.  
  
“But, Kokoro-san,” Hayato-san challenged, “He didn’t purposefully come looking for you, did he?”  
  
I pouted. “...No, but what impeccable timing, don’t you think? Why must he ruin a perfectly wonderful night?”  
  
“Please don’t think I’m trying to take his side, Kokoro-san, but…” Hayato-san pursed his lips nervously. “That’s not fair to him.”  
  
“What am I doing?” I sighed exasperated. “Forget it. Of course you’d defend him. He’s like a big brother to you.”  
  
“No, Kokoro-san, this isn’t about my opinion,” he replied matter-of-factly. “You can’t hold this against him. If he deliberately sought you out, then you’d be in the right to feel resentful. But, he wouldn’t do that. Deep down, you know that’s true.”  
  
Of course I know that. How many times have I wrestled with myself, fabricating reasons to hate him so it would be easier to move on, only to realize the impossibility of such task? When I spotted him by chance earlier, my heart jolted, both out of panic and yearning. There was still a part of me that longed for him, even underneath the crippling fear of seeing truth in the face. Even after such a wonderful date with Ban-chan, a mere glance of Sho-san and he consumed my every thought. Or rather, I let him consume me.  
  
“If he still has this much control over you, you’re either not running away fast enough, or you’re running in the wrong direction.”  
  
Hayato-san placed a glass of water in front of me as if to quietly declare victory. Alas, six shots of vodka still weren’t enough to drown him out of my mind. I focused my glassy eyes on Hayato-san and sighed, accepting defeat.  
  
“It’s not my fault he’s impossible to forget…” I propped my arm up on the counter and rested my head against my hand.  
  
He chuckled softly and agreed, “That, you can blame him for.”  
  
“He didn’t make it easy for me. There are still so many unanswered questions.” My gaze rested on the liquor selection behind the counter. The different colored drinks seemed to glow in the warm lighting, and it reminded me of his stunningly exquisite eyes, intoxicating and addicting.  
  
“Ah…” It was then that Hayato-san seemed to remember something.  
  
“What?” I slowly shifted my eyes toward him.  
  
“After you and your friends came by that night, I did some detective work myself,” he revealed.  
  
“...You what?”  
  
His determined eyes glimmered in the orange lighting. “You’re not the only one who wants clarification, Kokoro-san.”  
  
Shocked, my jaw dropped open but no words came out. Hayato-san cleared the shot glasses in front of me and placed his hands on the counter, leaning in toward me.  
  
“That kid isn’t his.”  
  
Those four, whispered words seemed to silence every other sound in the bar. They felt like ice, cold water poured over my hazy head. Hayato-san nodded a few times as if to emphasize what he had just said, and yet, my mind was full of doubt. How could he be so sure? Sho-san’s body language earlier certainly suggested otherwise. He also admitted to sleeping with the mother of the child. If the boy truly wasn’t his son, why was he still seeing him? The child should be the very reason he chose to leave me and return to her.  
  
“Sorry, Hayato-san. As much as I want to believe you, I don’t think I can,” I sighed. There was just way too much evidence against it.  
  
But, he leaned in even closer, this time with even more conviction behind his voice. “I remembered something after you three left.” He glanced over at the door. “The loan shark? He’s got a son.”  
  
My eyes widened in shock. Hayato-san raised his eyebrows confidently.  
  
“You know where I’m going with this, don’t you?” He asked the question but didn’t wait for my response. “That kid’s his.”  
  
I shook my head, unable to process the information. “No… that doesn’t make sense…”  
  
“Those guys used to show up at this bar frequently when Sakurai sempai worked here. It’s one of the reasons he quit, so he wouldn’t trouble us.” Hayato-san’s gaze fell downward as the painful memories seemed to flood over him again. “One time they were here, one of his minions had too much to drink and blabbed about the boy. The dude almost beat him dead right here. Riku is the kid’s name.”  
  
“...Wait, then…”  
  
“Who’s the mother?” Hayato-san finished my question. “You should know where I’m going with this one, too.”  
  
I brought a hand to my mouth, stupefied by what he was implying. That couldn’t be. “No,” I shook my head once again. “The loan shark and Riina are siblings. You’re wrong.”  
  
“Kokoro-san. Let’s say you had a child you didn’t want anyone to know about. How would it benefit you to expose the father of that child?”  
  
My head was throbbing now, perhaps from all the alcohol, perhaps from system overload. I couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. Wasn’t Riina barren? Then, how could she be the mother? Nothing made sense anymore. “You have no proof, do you?”  
  
He pushed himself up with his hands and stood back upright behind the counter. “Well, if by ‘proof’ you mean DNA testing, no. But, my hypothesis is pretty bulletproof.”  
  
“Hayato-san. Earlier tonight, I saw with my own two eyes Sho-san being affectionate with the boy,” my voice trembled. “By all accounts, he seemed like the father to me.”  
  
His left eyebrow perked up curiously. “Was Riina there with them?”  
  
I nodded. My mind replayed the scene flawlessly to spite me.  
  
“And? Was Sakurai sempai affectionate with her?” Hayato-san challenged.  
  
“What is this, torture? Of course he… hm?” I tilted my head and closed my eyes as my mind replayed the scene once more.  
  
“Exactly,” Hayato-san slapped the counter with one hand as if to affirm to himself that he was right.  
  
I took a deep breath to calm my heart, but all it did was bring more blood to my head. “What are you saying?”  
  
“Sakurai sempai may have some history with her, but he’s not the father of her son. I’ll bet my life on it.”  
  
I cradled my heavy head with my hands. There was a dull aching behind my forehead and my fingers pulsed anxiously. Accepting Hayato-san’s hypothesis as truth was a stretch. Contrary evidence spoke volumes. And yet, there was a small part of me that wanted to believe him. I felt like a detective revisiting a cold case. Although lacking credibility, this new piece of information had oiled the cogs in my brain once more. That was the thing; no matter how wonderful the evening was with Ban-chan, my mind always found a way back to Sho-san. He was an intoxicating drug, tempting my abstinence with an allure so intense, I believed the only way out was to drown myself in denial. _You told me to run, but you keep leading me back to you._  
  
“Kokoro-san?” A concerned voice accompanied a worried expression.  
  
“...I need time to process this,” I managed to slur a sentence together.  
  
“One more thing.”  
  
“Oh, god. There’s more?” I draped my whole arm on the counter as my head plopped down along with it.  
  
“If my hypothesis is true, then Sho-san is caught in a trap.” Hayato-san’s voice was alarming and left no room for questioning.  
  
In my hazy state of mind, I vaguely recalled a conversation at the cafe when Reiko, Juri, and I all believed that Sho-san had been framed for money. I furrowed my eyebrows and closed my eyes, trying to concentrate. Alas, it seemed those Lemon Drops were catching up to me.  
  
“A… trap?”  
  
“Kokoro-san. Kokoro-san?”  
  
Hayato-san’s voice called my name repeatedly but I was too tired to respond. Whatever bit was left of my rational mind was calmly assessing the situation. _Shit. I’m trashed and embarrassing myself. How the hell am I going to get home?_ I managed to find my phone in my purse. Then, it hit me. Who was I going to call to take me home? Ban-chan? No, I couldn’t trouble him any more than I already have. Reiko? Juri? _Fuck._ They both had plans tonight.  
  
_“Get home safely.”_  
  
I thought I could hear Ban-chan’s voice in the distance. “C...all a… ca...b…” I mumbled and dropped the phone on the counter.  
  
“Wh… Kokoro-san…?!”  
  
I felt Hayato-san’s hand shaking my shoulder to keep me awake and alert, but each passing minute felt like lead on my body. My eyelids felt heavy and my cheeks were burning.  
  
“...Shoot,” Hayato-san sighed.  
  
_I guess I’m spending the night here tonight._ I readjusted my head on my arm and slumped my body over the counter to get comfortable. In the background, I could faintly hear Hayato-san’s voice.  
  
“H-Hi, it’s Hayato. I’m sorry to call you suddenly and so late… mm-hmm… I’m really sorry for troubling you. I didn’t know who else to call…”  
  
The conversation played like a lullaby and I let my last bit of conscience go. Into a deep sleep I entered, a welcomed sensation as my mind went blank and my muscles relaxed. I dreamt that I was carried to my bed. Gentle fingers caressed my face before a pair of lips left a tingling sensation at the edge of mine. A warmth enveloped me, the kind that makes your toes curl and heart flutter. It had been a long time since I felt so loved and protected. What a shame to have to wake in the morning to face reality.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
_Beep-beep-beep. Beep-beep-beep._  
  
_Click._  
  
My hand instinctively hit the snooze button on my alarm clock.  
  
“Nngh…”  
  
I stretched my limbs and heard my skin gliding over bed sheets. The morning sun was leaking through the curtains; it was so bright, it hurt my eyes even before opening them. _Wait a minute._ I rolled over in bed and opened my eyes a crack. _7:30AM._ It was time for me to get up for work. I managed to push my body up to a sitting position but as soon as I became perpendicular to the mattress, my head instantly began throbbing. _That’s right, you had six shots of vodka, Kokoro._ I brought my hands to my temples and rubbed them gently, but it only made the headache worse. Unfortunately, my attempt to drown away the heartache ended in disaster.  
  
“Water…” I mumbled to myself.  
  
The cold room invited me to stay in bed, but I knew I had to drink something. I turned my body so my legs now dangled off the side of the bed. It was only then I realized that there was already a cup of water on my nightstand.  
  
“Did I put that there last night…?”  
  
As I uttered the words, a chilling sensation crawled up my back. _Oh dear god. How the hell did I get home yesterday?_ As I’ve said before, there’s nothing like amnesia to snap you awake in the morning. I frantically reached for my phone next to the cup of water and went through my notifications.  
  
There were no new messages from Reiko and Juri, which meant that neither one helped me get home. I double checked to see that I hadn’t accidentally drunk-dialed Ban-chan, and thankfully, I hadn’t. And yet, this process of elimination was making my heart pound against my ribcage and my hands feel clammy. _Please, please tell me I didn’t call him._ My thumb nervously touched the screen as anxious eyes skimmed the call and text histories.  
  
_Phew._  
  
Thank god. At least I still had the decency to leave him alone. Of course, that still left me with the unanswered question: how did I end up back home? Maybe I was able to find my way back on my own. I’d be impressed with myself if I had. With that being the only logical explanation for ending up in my own bed, fully clothed in what I was wearing yesterday, my heart rate began to calm a little.  
  
I reached for the glass of water on the nightstand and took a sip. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with a warmth that seemed to permeate every fiber of my being. The feeling was reminiscent of the dream from which I had just woken. It wasn’t an immediate realization, but once I noticed it, it couldn’t be more obvious. Without warning, tears began streaming down my face as I tried to control the wailing. The conversation at the bar came flooding back and I now understood why Hayato-san was so confident in presenting his hypothesis. Clearly, I was wrong. I _did_ know him on an incredibly deep level. I _did_ still trust him, despite all the evidence screaming otherwise. I _was_ running back to him. I _do_ still love him, even after he told me not to, even after I’d told myself that I had moved on.  
  
There was no proof that he had stepped foot in this room, and yet, my nose stung from the spicy amber and citrus overtones, the scent of his body lingering in the air. I didn’t need to see any evidence; my hypothesis was bulletproof, simply and purely because I trusted him.  
  
_“She may have imprinted on my Sidecar.”_ His playful voice reverberated in my head. But, that was only a half-truth. It was never the drink.  
  
“I can’t even have water now, no thanks to you…” My voice trembled between sobs.  
  
A sip was all it took. My soul yearned for more, and I knew what I had to do. It was high time I accepted the truth. I wasn’t running away; I was running in his direction all along.


	22. The Elusive Enemy

“I can’t believe you’re doing this, but we fully support your decision. Right, Juri?”  
  
Reiko eyed Juri for affirmation, but instead received a troubled look. I couldn’t blame her. What I had just proposed was quite unlike me, and Juri, being the careful, apprehensive one, wasn’t going to nod her head ‘yes’ so easily.  
  
Juri took a deep breath and fixed her bangs before opening her mouth. “It’s not that I don’t support you, Kokoro. I’m just scared that something will happen to you. Once you meddle with people like them, they will make you see it through. They won’t leave you alone.”  
  
So, what exactly did I suggest I’d do?  
  
“I know. I’m worried about that, too,” I nodded in agreement. “But, after talking with Hayato-san, I realized something. All this time, I thought Sho-san chose to remain in his self-created prison. I thought he was too afraid to let go of the past and allow himself to move on. But, I was wrong. They framed him. They set a trap and he’s caught in it. Who else is going to save him? I can’t just sit here a bystander and do nothing, knowing what I know.”  
  
Juri bit her lower lip as her eyebrows sloped downward. It looked like she was about to cry, and that concerned me because she was not one to waste her tears on insignificant things. She closed her eyes to collect her thoughts, then took another deep breath as she shook her head vertically.  
  
“I’m not letting you do this alone,” she protested. “I’ll allow it on one condition: Reiko and I are joining your fight.”  
  
“What…?” I shook my head. “No, no. I can’t drag you two into this. What if something happens to you guys?”  
  
“You seem to understand my worry but clearly, you aren’t applying the same rules to yourself,” Juri raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms. “This is non-negotiable. We’re in, or you’re out.”  
  
When I saw the unwavering look of determination on her face, I felt my once resolute judgment falter. Was my plan to save Sho-san worth endangering my best friends? Those two sides should never have to fight against each other, and yet, my proposition did just that. Suddenly, I felt a tinge of guilt.  
  
“Not like we’re going to take ‘no’ for an answer, anyway.” Reiko shrugged her shoulders. “And besides, we’re kind of a trio. Like it or not, where one of us goes, the other two tag along.”  
  
“I want to know how serious you are about this, Kokoro. If it’s important to you, it’s important to us.” Juri added.  
  
And just like that, the weight of guilt left me. Though it frightened me to think of what we were about to face, I also felt eerily confident. It was all thanks to my friends.  
  
“I really don’t know what I did to deserve you two,” I smiled faintly. “Thank you.”  
  
Reiko smiled back. “All right. So, what’s the gameplan?”  
  
“Wait, before we discuss details…” Juri stopped her. “What about Ban-san?”  
  
I bit my lower lip and hung my head like a child being scolded. Leave it to Juri to not gloss over something like this. Honestly, I didn’t have an answer. Ban-chan had become a very special person in my life. He had lifted a curse I didn’t even know I had and showed me how gentle and--dare I say it--comfortable a relationship could be. For most of my life, I believed such a word to be an insult, but Ban-chan taught me otherwise. I owed him so much more than just my time and emotional investment, and yet, I felt like I hadn’t reciprocated or given back even a fraction of what he’s given me. I’d be lying if I said my heart wasn’t in the relationship. In fact, it surprised me that I had let him in so much, so soon. I couldn’t put a finger on the feeling just yet, but it was certainly starting to feel a lot like love. Still, I couldn’t in good conscience ignore my calling.  
  
“My goal isn’t to win his heart back,” I responded feebly. “I don’t expect to get back with Sho-san. I’m merely trying to set him free.”  
  
Juri sighed, a look of pity crossing her face. “Kokoro. There’s nothing to win back. His heart never left you.”  
  
“What?” I replied, confused. “Are you saying I’m still holding on to him?”  
  
She shook her head. “Remember the last time we saw him at the cafe? I wanted to slap him in the face after what he did to you, but I couldn’t because it occurred to me that he still loves you. I’ll never forget that look on his face.”  
  
“...What look?” I asked nervously.  
  
“Mm…” Juri searched for the right word. “Longing?”  
  
“His eyes followed you out the door because his legs wouldn’t,” Reiko chimed in.  
  
_Longing?_ My eyes swam aimlessly. Surprisingly enough, it actually hurt me to hear this. He made it seem like he and I had no other option but to go our separate ways. But, there’s always more than one choice in any situation. He could have stayed, but chose to leave. Did he have the right to long for me?  
  
“Kokoro?” Reiko’s concerned voice called for me.  
  
“Sorry…”  
  
“This is what I’m talking about, Kokoro,” Juri continued mercilessly. “Are you sure ‘saving’ Sho-san isn’t synonymous with ‘wanting him back’? Because if it is, that’s a different battle altogether.”  
  
She was right. After realizing without a doubt that he had taken me home from the bar, I reacted so intuitively that I hadn’t sat down to think over my motives. It never occurred to me that saving him could also mean being with him again. Fond memories came flooding back to remind me of what I could potentially regain. I missed his knowing smile, his intoxicating touch, the emotional release, those beautiful, brown eyes… But, it seemed enough time had finally past, and with it came healing.  
  
“I just want to save him from his past,” I finally responded. “Nothing more, nothing less.”  
  
Juri stared at me for a few seconds before nodding. “You’ve changed, Kokoro.”  
  
“...I hope in a good way?” I asked anxiously.  
  
“I wouldn’t be agreeing to this if the answer to that question was ‘no’. I’m really proud of you,” she grinned.  
  
I looked down shyly. “I can’t take credit for this.”  
  
“Isn’t that why you’re going into battle in the first place?” Reiko raised her eyebrows with confidence. “He freed you. Now, it’s your turn to free him.”  
  
I chuckled defeatedly. “Cheesy, huh?”  
  
“Gutsy,” Juri corrected.  
  
“And a bit crazy, if you ask me,” Reiko added before cracking her knuckles. “All right. Let’s do this.”  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
For the next few days on my way home from work, I deliberately got off one train station away from my house in hopes that I would run into Riina and her son, Riku. Reiko had asked me what my gameplan was, but in all honesty, I didn’t really have one. All I knew was, if I wanted to save Sho-san, I had to know his enemies. With no leads other than knowing where Riina lived, my only option was to frequent near her home. I felt like a stalker but what else could I do? By the end of the week, the employee at the convenience store across the street practically knew me. I’d always get the same thing: a bottle of hot lemon tea.  
  
“That’ll be 160 yen,” the usual employee said without looking at me. “Would you like a bag?”  
  
I reached into my purse for my wallet and took out a 500 yen coin. “No thanks.”  
  
The employee took the money and placed a piece of tape on the bottle to mark it as paid. I decided to look out the door while waiting for my change. It was then that the person I had been waiting for had finally showed up.  
  
“340 yen is your ch--”  
  
“Keep it!”  
  
I grabbed the bottle of tea and dashed out the door. The light was red but thankfully, no cars were passing by. I ran to the other side of the street just as she was about to key into the building. My heart was beating so fast, I could feel my blood pulsing in my fingers.  
  
“E-Excuse me…!”  
  
Her long curls bounced as she turned to look my way. “Yes?”  
  
When I said I didn’t really have a gameplan, I wasn’t kidding. Now that I had gotten her attention, I didn’t know what to do. I’d sound like a stalker no matter what I said next.  
  
“Wait a minute.” She walked toward me to get a closer look. “I know who you are. What the hell are you doing here?”  
  
My mind drew a blank and my body froze. _How does she know me?_ Suddenly, I regretted approaching her. These were not normal people; they target people for a living. The mere fact that she had identified me was a sign that I was, am, or will soon become one of those targets. I tried my best to keep my fears concealed, but I was stunned silent and couldn’t answer her question.  
  
“Seriously? You came all the way here to find me and now you’re chickening out?” She scoffed. “What a joke.”  
  
It terrified me just how much she knew. I had only said two words so far and she already revealed that she knew who I was and that I had been looking for her. My fingers and toes were starting to feel cold and clammy.  
  
“Look. I’ll let you off the hook this time if you just turn around and never come back again.” She gestured her hand to shoo me away like a stray dog before fidgeting with her keys at the door.  
  
_“If my hypothesis is true, then Sho-san is caught in a trap.”_ Hayato-san’s voice sounded like a warning. I turned my hands into fists to gather up what little courage I had left.  
  
“Where’s your son?” I blurted impulsively.  
  
Her hand froze in place. For the first time during this conversation, I felt like I had the upperhand. She slowly turned her head toward me before giving her final warning. “You bring my child into this, and I’ll make you wish you were dead.”  
  
Though my knees locked from fear and my breathing had become shallow, I knew I couldn’t let her threat stop me. _This is my calling. I need to save Sho-san._  
  
“Riina-san.” I paused to look her straight in the eyes. “He’s not the father, is he?”  
  
Her expression didn’t change. When it did, a corner of her lips curled derisively. “That’s not what he thinks.”  
  
My body reacted before my mind could catch up. How easy it would have been to return the attack with hostile words, but fighting fire with fire was beneath me. My goal is not to win him back; it’s to release his shackles.  
  
“I beg you, please…!” I abandoned all pride and bowed my head deeply. “Please don’t hurt him anymore.”  
  
“Pfft, excuse me?” Riina gave a dry laugh. “You’re pathetic.”  
  
I didn’t care. “He’s suffered enough. Please.” I kept my head down.  
  
Suddenly, I felt her fingers grab the back of my head. She yanked me back up by my hair and stared straight into my eyes with an expression full of contempt. My knees nearly gave way from fear but I dared not look away.  
  
“Do you really think he’d leave me for someone so… plain?” She asked mockingly as her eyes scanned me up and down.  
  
_Ah._ As expected, she had completely misunderstood. Her insults didn’t hurt me. I knew where she was coming from and almost felt sorry for her.  
  
“That’s not what I said,” I managed to squeeze the words out of my throat.  
  
“Excuse me?” She tugged on my hair.  
  
“I’m asking you to leave him alone. This has nothing to do with me.”  
  
She opened her mouth and let out a gasp of disgust before letting go of my hair and shoving me away. “You really are a pathetic, little bitch.”  
  
As she turned and walked back toward her apartment building, I had a feeling that if I let her go, I’d never see her again. This was my first and only chance to pry as much information out of her as possible. I knew I had jumped head first in the deep end, into their territory. There were only two choices in front of me: either I fight to stay afloat or drown. Her words were razor sharp but they surprisingly didn’t cut or wound me. If she had reviled about Sho-san, disrespected him in any way, I knew I would have clawed back. _You’re attacking the wrong person, hun._ No amount of ugly, contemptuous name-calling scared me. _Sho-san._ Would it be presumptuous of me to say that though you’re the reason I’m in this mess, you’re also the shield protecting me right here in this fight or flight moment?  
  
“Is your son with his father?” I was working with very limited knowledge, but judging from the reaction I saw earlier, I had a hunch that her son was the way in.  
  
She clicked her tongue and raised her eyebrows, her eyes widening in fury. “Didn’t I already warn you that if you bring my son into this, you’ll regret it?”  
  
“Or is he not allowed to see his real father?” I provoked further.  
  
“Shut up.”  
  
“Or is it the other way around?” I pressed. “You don’t want his father near your son?”  
  
Something hadn’t sat well with me since the moment I learned that the loan shark was her son’s father. Assuming the two were trying to frame Sho-san together, it made sense that she kept his identity a secret. But, what about them? I recalled Toma’s confession about him dragging her out of Akatsuki and telling Sho-san to never come near her again. If they had planned to gang up on Sho-san to hold him financially responsible for the child, then why did he tell him to stay away? Could it be that this child was retribution for a wrongdoing, a way to anchor her down so she couldn’t run? Was she actually another victim?  
  
It seemed that I had indeed struck a nerve, but her reaction confused me. I was ready for her to come at me with a vengeance. Instead, the knuckles of her hand turned white clenching her keys. Her head hung limply, her gaze now at the ground. I couldn’t see her face, but I was pretty certain she was fighting back tears.  
  
“Stop…” I couldn’t believe I was talking to the same person. Her voice had become feeble and gutless.  
  
“Riina-san. Are you in danger?” I asked, concerned.  
  
“Stop it…!” She flung her free arm to keep me away. “Stay out of this. If Sho finds out what you’re trying to do, you’ll get him killed.”  
  
“What…?” Hearing her say his name felt like a punch to the stomach. What did she mean?  
  
She closed her eyes shut and tears like pearls rolled down her beautiful cheeks. “Don’t you get it? He left you so he could protect you. What are you doing, throwing him under the bus like this?”  
  
My heart was sprinting. Had my desire to save him actually placed him in grave danger?  
  
“Wait, what do you mean?” I grabbed her arm. “Is he okay?!”  
  
“Let go of me.” She pulled her arm away but my fingers didn’t let her escape.  
  
“Riina-san, please… tell me what’s going on. I need to know.” My grip tightened on her shirt.  
  
She sighed angrily. “Why?! You can still leave unscathed. I’ll pretend this never happened, all right? Run while you still can.”  
  
“No,” I shook my head defiantly. “I’ve already tried that and failed miserably.”  
  
_♪～_  
  
A lively ringtone interrupted our tense argument. Riina’s face instantly froze in a state of panic. She didn’t need to look at her phone; it was clear she knew exactly who was calling.  
  
“You need to leave. I mean it.” She pried my fingers away from her arm and warned me one last time with her eyes.  
  
I stared back at her, unable to follow her orders. She glared back at me for being so unreasonably stubborn. After the fourth ring, she seemed to give up on me. Her hand rushed to locate the phone in her purse.  
  
“Hello?” She sounded nervous. “...Sorry, I was getting a drink at the convenience store. I’m heading back inside now…...Yes, I’ll come by to drop off the money tomorrow…… Understood.”  
  
As she pressed the ‘end call’ button on her phone, I was convinced: the woman in front of me was also a victim. It may be true that she set the trap to deceive Sho-san, but she was caught in one herself. The look of terror on her face, her pale hand gripping tightly onto her phone… Maybe it wasn’t my business, but I just couldn’t bring myself to pretend like I hadn’t witnessed what happened.  
  
“...Riina-san, are you--”  
  
“God…” Her voice was almost a whisper and her face contorted with crippling affliction. “Why won’t you leave me alone? Why are you deliberately ruining your life? Sho’s going to kill me...”  
  
“He won’t,” I replied without hesitation. “I’m here on my own accord. You didn’t do anything.”  
  
She looked at me, her eyes welling with an anguish I could only imagine. “You’re insane, you know that? I ruined Sho’s life. At the very least, you should be outraged. I deserve your wrath.”  
  
I took a deep breath and nodded. “You’re right. But, what good would that do? It gets me no closer to helping him.”  
  
“And endangering yourself does?” She challenged. “Look. You have 10 minutes left to get the hell out of here. After that, I can’t help you.”  
  
Though her words were alarming, her eyes were almost begging me to stay. She was contradicting herself right in front of me and I wondered if she knew that I could tell.  
  
“I appreciate your sentiment, but it’s not your job to help me.” I made sure she was looking straight back at me before I finished my thought. “But, if you’re not willing to save yourself, I can’t help you, either.”  
  
Before she could give a rebuttal, I reached into my purse, pulled out a business card, and pressed it into her hand. She twitched her eyebrows, confused.  
  
“You probably didn’t need me to tell you where I work,” I lowered my voice. “But, if you change your mind, come find me.”  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
Weeks went by but Riina never came. I still sometimes took her train stop, just to increase my chances of running into her again like I had that one night. Alas, it was starting to look like that was indeed the first and last time I would interact with her. With no other leads, I felt like I had hit a dead end. I thought about our interaction frequently and wondered why she was so resolved to accepting her current situation. My only conclusion? Remaining in the trap was the only way to protect her son. If I really wanted to save Sho-san, I had to first save Riina and Riku-kun. That was becoming increasingly clear.  
  
“Nijishima?”  
  
Ban-chan’s voice snapped me away from the thoughts in my head. My hair salon had a day off for maintenance purposes, so he took today off to make time to meet with me. With holiday season just around the corner, work got busy for both of us and we hadn’t seen each other in a while. I appreciated his willingness to match my schedule so that we could spend time together. This wasn’t the time to be speculating about someone else; I wanted to enjoy Ban-chan’s company to the fullest.  
  
“Sorry, I was spacing out again, wasn’t I?”  
  
He squeezed my hand in his and smiled. “Did you want to take a break? There’s a nice cafe on the top floor.”  
  
I shook my head. “No, I’m okay. How about this one?”  
  
I picked up a pair of brown-framed, wayfarer glasses and handed it to him. After lunch at a nearby Spanish restaurant, he suggested we walk around a department store. When we passed by an eyewear shop, he mentioned that he had been thinking about getting a new pair of glasses to wear at home. The thought of him wearing glasses that I helped pick out made me smile, so I didn’t hesitate to offer help in choosing one. The shape of these particular glasses were hard to pull off, but I had a hunch that it would frame his face well.  
  
“How does it look?”  
  
His slender fingers situated the brown-rimmed glasses in place. An eager gaze awaited my opinion.  
  
“I think that’s the one,” I smiled. “It brings out the browns of your eyes.”  
  
He tapped one side of the glasses playfully. “I’ll take it, then.”  
  
We decided to grab coffee while his glasses were being made. There was one open table so I snatched it while Ban-chan ordered our drinks. Next to me were three high school girls who had started whispering excitedly.  
  
“See him? The one ordering right now?”  
  
“Oh, my god. He looks like he walked straight out of a shoujo manga!”  
  
“How dreamy…”  
  
I covered my mouth with my hand to hide a grin. _That would be my date, owner and chef of Trattoria Baccanale._ Curious, I, too, followed his movements with my eyes. Hearing the girls talk about him took me back to middle school. A good chunk of my classmates had some level of infatuation with him, and they’d regularly gossip about how he was the ‘class boyfriend’ who belonged to everyone. Sometimes, it slips my mind that he’s quite the looker because I’ve known him for so long. In this case, it took a group of highschoolers to remind me.  
  
“Is there something on my face?” Ban-chan asked as he placed a latte in front of me.  
  
I kept my eyes on him but responded to his question with a giggle.  
  
“What is it?” He sat down and looked back at me curiously.  
  
“Just looking,” I replied playfully before taking a sip of my drink.  
  
He eyed me suspiciously, unsatisfied with my answer. Still, he didn’t press further and changed the subject.  
  
“Do you want to go see the Christmas lights in Tokyo Midtown after dinner?” He suggested.  
  
I was mid-sip but I nodded excitedly. The end of the year snuck up on me, what with all that’s been going on in my life. How things have changed since last winter. For a brief moment, my mind drifted off into thoughts of Sho-san. I wondered how he was doing. Was anyone taking care of him? In the distance, I could see a ferris wheel and it reminded me of the first time I saw him in his true element, with nothing but a camera in hand. _I wonder if he ever won that contest…_ It pained me to not have the slightest clue about what was going on in his life.  
  
“...shima. Nijishima?”  
  
Ban-chan’s voice once again brought me back to the moment.  
  
“Gosh, I’m so sorry, Ban-chan.”  
  
This was more than a mere apology; it was an offering of remorse. I felt terrible. Ban-chan was attentive, present, and engaged in our time together. Meanwhile, my mind was constantly drifting off into unproductive thoughts. How would I feel if I were on a date with someone who was thinking about someone else? I bowed my head, disappointed in myself for being so rude.  
  
“...Something wrong?”  
  
His caring voice wrung at my heart. Not only was I an awful date, I was keeping something weighty from him. It wasn’t like I had deliberately withheld the information; I just didn’t know how to bring it up with him. Would Ban-chan believe me if I said that my reason for placing myself in potential danger was simply to save a certain man, nothing more, nothing less? Or would he, like Juri and Riina, misunderstand my actions as having ulterior motives? After playing out the scenario in my head over and over again, I concluded that it would do more harm than good to tell Ban-chan. As a consequence very much deserved, I lived with a guilty conscience.  
  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. You don’t need to answer that question.”  
  
And every time, Ban-chan threw me a lifeline so I didn’t have to explain myself. And each time, I took him up on his offer like the guilty coward I am. When I looked at him sheepishly, he smiled but sighed as to let out his frustration.  
  
“Just so you know, whatever is weighing on your mind, I’m ready to share the load with you. I won’t ever force you to tell me, but… sometimes, I wish you’d depend on me more.”  
  
Of course. He had every right to feel that way. I was depriving him of a role he wanted to take in my life just because I was afraid of how he’d react. Ban-chan turned his head to look out the window. I knew he wasn’t looking for an immediate explanation, but I wanted him to know I trusted him. It was time I told him what I’d decided to do; he deserved to hear it.  
  
“Ban-chan…?”  
  
  
He kept his eyes on me the entire time I spoke and didn’t interrupt me with questions or comments. Though I didn’t disclose every detail, I told him that I believed Sho-san was caught in a trap and that I felt it was my calling to save him. Once I had finished, I hung my head and stared at my lap, too afraid to see the look on his face. Ban-chan didn’t say anything for a while. Anxiety surfaced as a nervous tick in my fingers as they played with the seams of my skirt. The silence was so deafening that I cleared my throat just to fill the space between.  
  
“Thanks for sharing that. I know it wasn’t easy.”  
  
When Ban-chan finally spoke, his voice was respectful but serious. I had played this out in my mind many times, but this certainly was not the response I was expecting. Anger, jealousy, disgust? Those emotions would be warranted in such a situation. And yet, I neither felt judged nor ridiculed.  
  
“I’ll ask you this, though: would this bring closure for you?”  
  
His question caught me off-guard. I had never thought of it from that point of view before. I lifted my head and looked back at Ban-chan. There was a look of concern on his face.  
  
“Or would it make it harder for you to move on?” He continued.  
  
My eyes swam aimlessly as I digested his words. I felt as though Ban-chan had found a chink in my armor. In my ardent attempt to save Sho-san, I had inadvertently created a blindspot. Perhaps my intentions were pure--altruistic, even. But, were they truly to serve one purpose? I hadn’t thought about what would come after the fact. All this time, I thought the goal was to free Sho-san. Ban-chan, however, was sagacious enough to see the bigger picture. His questions also revealed to me that I never found closure; it was no wonder Sho-san still consumed my thoughts.  
  
Ban-chan took a deep breath. “I hope you know I’m trying really hard to not be selfish right now. I could tell you to abandon your plans altogether, but then, I would be doing you a disservice.”  
  
“Excuse me…?” I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.  
  
“He’s not the only one who wants you to be happy.” He pursed his lips and briefly hesitated to finish his thought. “...If that means I’m not in the picture, well… that’s a tradeoff I’m willing to make.”  
  
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. What had I done to deserve this man? My heart grew in fondness for him.  
  
“I really don’t deserve you. How did I let you fall through the cracks the first time around?” I bit my lips to keep the tears at bay.  
  
Ban-chan let out a soft chuckle as he collected the mug in front of me and placed it back on his tray. “That’s the second best compliment I’ve ever received. You already know what the first one is.”  
  
If a gaze could talk, I was pretty sure mine was saying, ‘I think I’m in love with you.’ My heart wasn’t ready to verbalize it just yet, so I hoped that for now, this gaze would suffice.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
As cheesy as it may seem, I refuse to call a stroll around town with a date during the holiday season overrated. It was thankfully a weeknight, so though there were still a good amount of people at Tokyo Midtown, it wasn’t suffocating and we had plenty of space to stand and admire the lights at our own pace. In front of us was a sea of blue. The lights twinkled and created a magical painting with business buildings as their backdrop. In the distance, we could see Tokyo Tower asserting its presence with its red flare. Our breaths turned white in the crisp, winter air and nudged us to stand closer together for warmth.  
  
“Another great idea from the hopeful romantic,” I smiled. “This is beautiful!”  
  
“It’s only romantic because of the company,” he corrected. “See those businessmen passing by without giving a glance?”  
  
I nodded, but didn’t blame them, really. They were the manifestation of the loss of innocence, the death of wonder. As we age, we become calloused to the beauties of the world, and we miss the small blessings evident everywhere because we lose the patience and curiosity to look for them.  
  
“I feel sorry for people like them. Look at what they’re missing, what they’re taking for granted. All they have to do is give a damn.”  
  
This was the Ban-chan I loved most. His love for life and his ability to find beauty in the mundane were contagious.  
  
“Hm? What is it?” Ban-chan raised his eyebrows playfully, noticing that I had been staring up at him.  
  
“If I didn’t run into you again, I would have still been in that group of people.” I squeezed his upper arm with my hand. “Life would have been a lot more boring.”  
  
He smiled. “I’ve had it with regrets, that’s all.”  
  
I knew what he meant, and he didn’t need to explain himself further. I threaded my arm through his and leaned in closer to let him know I understood. He straightened his back and took a breath. Though we weren’t looking at each other, it felt as though a connection had happened on a deeper level. _Would it be inappropriate of me to ask him to stay the night with me?_  
  
“Hey, Ban-chan. I was thi...nk...ing…”  
  
Alas, I was unable to finish my thought. On the other side of the large, Christmas tree, I saw three, familiar faces. To my dismay, I noticed him first. A coffee brown duffel coat, fitted jeans, and camel-colored leather shoes. His soft hair moved with his every step, his movements mesmerizing. There was no mistaking those eyes like honey. Beside him was a child holding his hand… and on the child’s other side was an impeccably-dressed woman with beautiful curls. My eyes followed them as they made their way to our side. _Run, Kokoro._ Though my head knew better, my body refused as my feet anchored themselves to the ground. _Oh, god. Don’t look this way. Please._  
  
“Papa! Look at this Christmas tree!”  
  
A little boy’s voice pierced through the conglomeration of city sounds and shot through my ears. It felt like someone had poured ice water over my head. I wanted to look away. I needed to look away. And yet, I couldn’t take my gaze off the man holding the child’s hand. His bangs fell over his eyebrows as he looked down toward the voice that called for him, a smile so endearing the recipient would know without a shadow of a doubt that his feelings were sincere.  
  
As I stood there frozen in place, I noticed that the man who had been standing beside me was no longer there. In my state of shock, I had just enough time to realize what had just happened.


	23. Where The Truth Leads

Her voice faded away and I felt her arm slowly go limp in mine. I looked down at her but she was focused on something--scratch that, _someone._ When I traced her gaze, I, too, saw a preposterous sight.  
  
My mind was racing with hypotheses and riddled with questions, but my body seemed to know better what I needed to do in the moment. Saving her from herself became my top priority. Instinctively, I had freed my arm from hers, moved away from her side and stood directly in front of her. I brought a hand behind her head and tucked her face into my chest to block her vision. She gasped, startled by what had just happened. But, with each successive breath, she seemed to digest the situation and calm down in my arms. Though I wasn’t sure just how long I held her so, I knew it was long enough for me to sort through all the questions swimming through my head. When Nijishima opened up to me earlier tonight about saving Sho from a trap, I had assumed a man had set it. Clearly, I was wrong. And the kid…? She didn’t mention him, either. Did she know and leave that part out, or did Sho have a kid Nijishima didn’t know about? But, most shocking of all was the woman. It took some time for me to realize who she was, but when I did, I couldn’t believe it. It was Shibata Riina. What the hell was she doing with Sho…?  
  
Nijishima moved and snapped me away from my thoughts. After a quick look over my shoulder, I slowly released the hand behind her head and stepped back.  
  
“They’re gone,” I reassured.  
  
Her expression was clouded with shock and confusion. I couldn’t blame her. To assume the three were a family was the only logical conclusion from what we just witnessed. If this assumption were indeed true, then Sho would have been cheating on Shibata with Nijishima. As much as I wanted to believe this and use it against him, I couldn’t convince myself so. Though I knew very little about him, I had interacted with him enough to know that his feelings for Nijishima are real and current. Sure, he was a nightclub host who’s had plenty of opportunities to feign interest, but could he truly lie to himself and be fully invested in another relationship? Was this the ‘trap’ Nijishima was talking about? I had a lot of unanswered questions, but one glance at her and I couldn’t bring myself to ask any of them.  
  
“I’ll take you home. Let’s head to the main road and catch a cab,” I suggested. Rest was probably the best thing for her… or so I thought.  
  
She shook her head as a determined hand gripped my jacket. Her gaze was still at my chest where she was just minutes ago.  
  
“...I don’t want to go home tonight,” her feeble voice pleaded.  
  
I thought my mind had short-circuited. Did she just say what I think she said? Does she know what would normally follow such request? I looked away, slightly taken aback by her forwardness.  
  
“Please…” Her grip tightened.  
  
What a predicament. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t dreamt about the day we’d spend our first night together. But, was this appropriate, taking advantage of her moment of weakness? I cared way too much about her to let her do that to herself. Though her invitation was enticing, I decided it was in her best interest to decline.  
  
I placed a hand over hers. “I’ll take you home,” I repeated.  
  
She pursed her lips, hurt by the rejection. _Give me a break, Nijishima._ This is a lose-lose situation. If I say ‘yes,’ we’d both take advantage of each other and regret it; if I say ‘no,’ I ‘d risk hurting you and give off the impression that I don’t want to spend this night together.  
  
I felt her grip on my jacket loosen and for a split second, I kicked myself for letting such an opportunity go. But, a split second it was. Suddenly, I felt her arm around my waist, clinging on as if her life depended on it.  
  
“...Nijishima?”  
  
“An hour. Could you spare me just one more hour?”  
  
It sounded like she was squeezing the words through her throat. I looked up at the night sky hoping to find the answers written in the stars. _“Though he successfully defeated Poseidon, he realized only after the fact that this girl was already promised to another man. But, Perseus, not being one to back down from a battle, decided to fight for the girl.”_ The narrator’s voice hummed in the back of my head. When I made the decision to stop her in front of that cafe, I knew that my true “enemy” wasn’t Sho; it was Nijishima. She was my Poseidon. Had I defeated her? Had I saved her from herself? Only then, could I continue the story.  
  
“Then, you can go home. I won’t trouble you anymore than that,” she insisted.  
  
That’s when something in me snapped. “You really don’t get it, do you?” I sighed with disappointment.  
  
She finally looked up to meet my gaze. Her eyes were red, perhaps from the cold, perhaps from fighting tears.  
  
“I _want_ you to trouble me. I _want_ you to need me like this,” I blurted.  
  
“Wh...at?” She whispered.  
  
I knew what I was about to say next would change the course of the night, and perhaps the trajectory of our relationship. But for once, I decided to be selfish.  
  
“Please don’t take my love for granted.”  
  
A single tear rolled down her porcelain cheek, then another, and another. For better or worse, she understood my frustration. It wasn’t so much that she couldn’t let go of Sho. I knew that would take time and I vowed to myself I’d be patient and allow her to move on at her own pace. What bothered me was how marginal I was in her life. After all this time, after making it clear how much I cared and adored her, it seemed I hadn’t left much of an impression at all. Was I just some filler, a vice she used to forget about Sho for intermittent periods of time? Had our time together taught her anything? Did she, even for brief moments, think about me the way she thinks about Sho?  
  
“Oh, Ban-chan…” she sniffled. “I’m so, so sorry.” She released me and hung her head as her arms dangled defeatedly beside her.  
  
“An apology isn’t what I want to hear,” I pressed. “Why don’t you want me to take you home?”  
  
She wiped the tears from her face, still looking down at her feet. Her fingers were fidgeting with her jacket sleeves, so I knew she was nervous trying to find the right words to say.  
  
“...I want to forget what I just saw.” She looked up at me with apologetic eyes. “I know how that sounds. I’m really sorry I was trying to take advantage of you.”  
  
I shifted my gaze away. It hurt to hear her prove my insecurities true.  
  
“But... now, I feel like I can truly move on. All this time, I thought he needed saving.” She chuckled defeatedly. “Seeing them together, though, I feel like such an idiot. Who am I to wreck their lives? They seemed happy to me.”  
  
True. From a third-person perspective, they seemed happy enough. Not many would believe her if she said one of them needed saving. It must be even harder trying to come to terms with that reality herself.  
  
“And… you may not believe me, but…” She paused briefly before continuing. “For what it’s worth, I was about to ask you to spend the night with me before I spotted him.”  
  
My heart gave a loud thump. _Wait, is she serious? Is that what she was about to say to me before the three of them showed up?_ I looked back at her, staring into her eyes intently. They spoke directly at my fears and easily dissolved them. How easy it was for her to persuade me; she had so much power over my emotions. A simple gaze was the truth I needed to hear.  
  
“We’ll make one last stop, then.” I stretched my hand out and waited for her to hold it.  
  
“...Thank you for believing me,” she answered shyly.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
Silence befriended us for a while after I keyed into our room. For me, it was from the slow realization that I was alone in a hotel room for the night with Nijishima, the woman I’ve loved for the past 20 years. For her? I hoped it wasn’t because of insecurities or worse, from second-guessing herself. A lot had happened tonight and I worried that she may have hit her mental capacity. Maybe it was the hopeful romantic in me, but I would rather postpone taking this next step in our relationship if it meant either of us weren’t truly ready. Intimacy should never be forced, coaxed, or used as a way to escape reality. Although I was ready to bring this level of intimacy into our relationship, I knew that I would stop immediately if I sensed any hesitation in her voice or body language.  
  
“Hey, Ban-chan?” Her calm voice broke the silence.  
  
Nijishima was standing by the large, floor-to-ceiling window in our suite. In front of her was a tapestry of city lights, each glowing with a purpose unbeknownst to us. I stayed closer by the door. For some reason, I wanted her to initiate closing this physical distance.  
  
“Hm?”  
  
She looked over her shoulder slowly, her eyes downcast and alluring. “Join me?”  
  
I silently took a deep breath before approaching her. My heart picked up speed with each step, and when I stood just behind her, I caught a scent of her floral perfume. That was all it took. As I brought my arms around her torso and pulled her body in to my chest, I noticed that there was absolutely no resistance. Her back rested comfortably on my body, and I could feel her chest rise and fall with each breath. I brought my nose to her temple.  
  
She let out a soft giggle that sent shivers down my spine. “That tickles,” she whispered.  
  
I squeezed her tightly before my nose traveled from her temples down to the nape of her neck. She raised her shoulders in response to the touch, this time letting out a vulnerable sigh. I closed my eyes before leaving a gentle kiss there.  
  
“Ban-chan.” Her sweet voice called.  
  
“Hm?” I kept my eyes closed and planted another kiss on her shoulder.  
  
She turned herself around in my embrace, brought her arms around to my back, and rested her head on my chest.  
  
“I’m in love with you.”  
  
Had time stood still? Her voice echoed in my ears like a melody. Could she tell I had forgotten how to breathe? Could she hear my heart race? I didn’t want to hasten this moment with a reply. _I’ve been waiting 20 years to hear you say that._  
  
“I thought you should know that.”  
  
Will she ever know how much it meant to me to hear those words _before_ the night progressed? To know that her feelings for me didn’t hinge on a single event, to hear that she is emotionally ready for physical intimacy, that whatever happens after this moment was done with mutual fondness… I could barely contain my desire for her.  
  
“...Tell me I’m not dreaming right now.” It seemed this had become a recurring phrase of mine.  
  
She freed one arm and brought her silky fingers to my face, gently tracing my hairline before resting her hand on my chest. “I’m right here.”  
  
That was my cue. I scooped her lips up with mine, starting softly. She returned her affection by bringing her hands up and behind my head, cradling me there and silently telling me to keep going. Every, brief moment our lips parted, our sighs would fill the space until we begged the other for another. I slowly brought my arms to her waist and slipped them underneath her knitted top.  
  
“Mm…” Her back arched from my touch.  
  
I briefly broke the kiss to pull her top and inner layer above her head. My hands couldn’t resist gliding over her silky skin. _I didn’t know you had a freckle here._ As my fingers caressed her body, I noticed every curve, every mark. When I approached her skirt, I noticed she got there before me. It was as if I were watching a scene in slow-motion. The fabric slipped down her bare legs, revealing a lacy, navy blue lingerie set. Seeing her so exposed was enough to make me go crazy. I pulled her in close again, but her fingers were busying themselves at the hem of my sweater.  
  
“Your turn,” she said in a low, sultry voice.  
  
_Damn, Nijishima. Were you always this assertive?_ I quickly pulled off my top in response. She swept my now messy bangs away from my eyes and with those same fingers, unbuttoned the top button of my jeans. Her eagerness turned me on. I finished the job and pretty soon, we were both stripped down to our bare minimum. We made our way to the bed. The dim lighting of the room made her pale skin glow invitingly. As I reached behind her back to remove the remaining fabric covering her body, she placed her hands on my arm to stop me.  
  
For a split second, I was afraid I had crossed the line. But, when she looked up at me, her eyes told me to watch her instead. She brought her own hands to her back and unclasped her bra. Then, she crossed her arms and slowly removed one strap at a time, sliding them off her shoulders until the only things holding the bra in place were her arms. The next thing I knew, the garment was at her feet as she busied her fingers now at her matching panties. She helped them over the curves of her hips and thighs, after which the flimsy thing effortlessly slipped down her knees, calves, ankles, and fell limply on the ground. I could feel my knees going weak and noticed the steady pulsing between my own legs. I had barely touched her and yet, my body was hungry for more.  
  
She stood there, her arms crossed again just below her chest. “...Your turn,” she said again, this time a bit timidly.  
  
Had I been staring? Could anyone blame me? ...Or did she notice what had happened under my boxer briefs? I kept my eyes on her as I removed the last piece of clothing covering me. Then, I reached for her hand and invited her back into my arms. As our bare bodies touched, my heart raced with passion. She laid down on the bed and looked up at me. As if she could sense my disbelief, she pulled me down on top of her.  
  
“I’m right here,” she whispered in my ear.  
  
I let out an audible breath. “What are you doing to me?”  
  
She smiled up at me lovingly and brought her arms behind my neck. “I just want to know you better.”  
  
_“I want you to know me better. We can start off as friends.”  
“You’re right, Ban-chan. I… don’t know you like you know me. You deserve better than that.”_  
  
An old conversation crossed my mind. Who would have thought a night like this would come? For the past 20 years, I had lived regretting not confessing my feelings sooner. It shaped how I approach everything in life. What I didn’t know was that choosing to live without regret came with a rewarding byproduct: redemption.  
  
I brushed the hair away from her face before kissing her on her forehead, her eyelids, her nose, cheeks, and lips. I traced her body with my breath, kissing every part of her; I didn’t want to miss even a single inch. Her chest rose and fell as her breaths deepened, and as I approached her stomach, she combed through my hair as if to tell me to stay there. My hands caressed her inner thighs and gently grabbed a hold of her hips. I paused briefly to make sure she was comfortable before kissing her there. She let out a muffled moan which fueled my desire to continue pleasing her. After a few more tender kisses, I added another sensation with my tongue. Instantly, her legs tensed up as her grip tightened on my hair.  
  
“Aaah…” A breathy moan reached my ears.  
  
That was more than enough to keep me going. I brought one hand down and slowly inserted a finger.  
  
“Oh…! My god…”  
  
I moved my finger in rhythm with my tongue. I was throbbing between my own legs but I wanted to please her first. I wanted her to know how much I loved her. Soon, her back arched, her legs twitching from going over the edge. Her breathing became louder as she tried to catch her breath. I caressed her thighs with my lips before moving back up to see her expression. Her eyelashes fluttered as she met my gaze.  
  
“How are you doing?” I whispered.  
  
After one, deep breath, she placed her hands on my chest, then glided her fingers down my torso.  
  
“I want you.”  
  
They were three, simple words. Yet, when strung together by the woman I thought would never be mine, they shook me to the core with a passion so strong, the only release for this passion ablaze inside me was to continue loving and treasuring her. Her eyes glowed lustfully and there was no need for further encouragement. I kissed her zealously before slowly sliding inside. She closed her eyes and furrowed her eyebrows briefly, a soft moan escaping her supple lips. The sensation coupled with the visual input had my blood pulsing vigorously. I pulled out, then entered back in, gradually finding a rhythm. Her hands gripped my arms as we rocked in sync with each other.  
  
As my movements became more primal, I could tell my mind was shutting down to give way for my body to take over. Silence won the battle over fleeting, intuitive feelings about how this might be the first and last time I get to make love to her. She gently combed my bangs away from my eyes, and only when her hand grazed my forehead did I notice that I had been sweating. A pair of passion-filled eyes looked up at me. It was a look that seemed to quiet the demons, a look that invited me to be confident in my vulnerability.  
  
“N...iji...shima…” I panted.  
  
Without looking away, she nodded. I had to clench my muscles and remind myself that I wasn’t wearing any protection.  
  
“Y...ou...ready?” I managed to grunt.  
  
Again, she nodded and without a word, controlled my every desire. After several more quick, deep thrusts, I pulled out as a milky constellation splattered all over her bare torso. She let out a breathy moan as her lower back arched to succumb to the passionate moment. It was all I could do to keep from collapsing on top of her; I had never experienced intimacy so emotional.  
  
For a while, all that filled the space were heavy breaths as we tried to calm our racing hearts. Her grip on my arms slowly loosened, a soft, airy chuckle escaping her lips.  
  
“Wow…” Her hands gave way to gravity and fell on the bed.  
  
_You have no idea._ “You’re so beautiful, Nijishima.”  
  
“...Stop it, you’re going to make me blush,” she looked away.  
  
I lowered myself to kiss her on her forehead. “I think it’s kinda too late for that,” I teased. “Let me grab you a towel.”  
  
She slapped my arm playfully and covered her rosy cheeks. Though my body remembered every sensation, even as a tingling lingered still from the climactic moment, I couldn’t fully believe she was right here with me. After handing her the towel, I laid down next to her and kissed her again. It almost scared me to fall asleep for fear of waking in the morning to realize this was only a dream.  
  
After she had cleaned herself, she turned around to face me. “Ban-chan?”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
She rested her head on my shoulder and nuzzled her nose at my neck. “I really like getting to know you more.”  
  
My arm brought her in closer. “Yeah?”  
  
She nodded and the wispy strands along her hairline tickled my skin. “Tell me I’m not dreaming right now.”  
  
A part of me couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was an echo of all the times I had verbalized the same phrase. I knew exactly what triggered her to say it because as fate would have it, I was thinking the same thing. It was not fear nor disbelief; it was rapture. I looked down at her and in response, she moved her head away from by body so she could meet my gaze.  
  
“To be honest, I’m afraid to fall asleep for fear that I’ll wake and realize this was all a dream,” I confessed.  
  
Her fingers traced my eyebrows, jawline, and lips. It felt like electricity was sparking under my skin.  
  
“You know how your sense of touch is missing or dulled in your dreams?” She asked.  
  
“Mm-hmm.”  
  
The same fingers continued down to my bare collarbones. She kissed me where her hand left off and the tingling turned into a burning sensation. A sigh escaped my lips before I could stop it.  
  
“...Looks like your sense of touch is just fine,” she chuckled.  
  
If I could, I would have made love to her again, right then and there. She was divine, unequaled in beauty and wielding an idyllic air about her so contagious, one would have to be soulless not to be infected by it. I cupped her cheek with my hand and kissed her, our lips attracting each other effortlessly. Whoever came up with the expression, “Every time you sigh, a small amount of happiness escapes,” has never truly been in love. The sighs reaching my ears and leaving my lips dripped with pleasure.  
  
Perhaps it was my body shutting down, perhaps it was the soft exhales I felt on my collarbones. In any case, even my fears were no match for much needed sleep. As my heavy eyelids blacked out my vision, my other senses heightened. The gentle rise and fall of her chest, the warmth against my body, the scent of our bodies. All of these were evidence against my doubts; she was, indeed, right here with me. Though my mind hoped I would keep him company, I allowed myself to ignore the busyness and succumb to slumber.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
When I opened my eyes, she and the sun were still sound asleep. A sigh escaped me. _It really wasn’t a dream._ The warmth of her body was proof enough. If I could, I’d immortalize this moment. She looked so peaceful sleeping beside me, completely and comfortably vulnerable. I wanted to stay with her until she woke, but there was business to which I needed to tend. Regretfully, I pulled my body away from hers, slid out of bed, and got dressed in yesterday’s clothes. After scribbling a memo and placing it on her bedside table, I grabbed my things and headed for the door.  
  
Before leaving the room, though, I had to take one, last look at her. For this woman, I would do anything… even something that could potentially jeopardize our relationship. It would be much easier living in ignorance, pretending like I don’t know what I know. If only I could be selfish and let this go. Alas, the hopeful romantic in me refused to compromise. _Nijishima. No matter what happens to us, I hope you know that everything I have done, I did with your happiness in mind._ With that, I quietly shut the door behind me and called someone I hadn’t spoken to in years.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
“Hello, Mr. Leto? This is Ban Shogo.”  
  
There was a brief pause on the other end. Then, “Ah, Shogo! It’s been ages.”  
  
“It has,” I chuckled. “How have you been, sir?”  
  
“Not too shabby. You? I’ve been meaning to visit your renowned restaurant.” His voice was business as ever.  
  
“I appreciate the thought, as that would be quite a trek for you. It’s about time I went to visit you as well.”  
  
“It would be nice to see my most-promising apprentice again,” he agreed.  
  
He wasn’t always so fond of me. Years ago when I first began my career, I knew next to nothing about Italian cuisine aside from things I read in books. Though I enjoyed cooking, I lacked the skills necessary to become a professional. Without much of a plan, I flew to Italy with what little life savings I had and begged dozens of chefs to take me under their wing. Mr. Leto took one look at me and shooed me away, just like the rest of them. But, my bank account was nearly depleted and I needed to find something fast.  
  
\--  
  
“I can’t name the year or name of the wine you use in your Osso buco alla Milanese. But, I do know that every meal cooked without a heart of gratitude is wasted.”  
  
Mr. Leto eyed me with a slightly annoyed look on his face and shot at me what I initially thought was a trick question. “What do you think a chef does, son?”  
  
It was obvious he wasn’t looking for the dictionary definition. I had a feeling my staying in Italy hinged on this single response. He could have easily ignored me; had he given me a chance to explain myself?  
  
“...To provide answers to questions you didn’t think you had,” I uttered slowly and with conviction.  
  
He raised an eyebrow, inviting me to elaborate. I looked at him intently. From the bags under his eyes, I inferred that he didn’t sleep well last night. He rolled his neck, perhaps a sign of stiffness there. There was also a kind of restlessness in his stance, like he had too much on his plate. It was a shot in the dark, but I decided to trust my intuition.  
  
“If I were a chef, I would make you a Cacio e Pepe.”  
  
I conveniently left out the fact that I had never made it before. It just happened to be the dish that came to me upon observing him. There was clutter and he was feeling overwhelmed. A simple, elegant dish made with few ingredients, I felt, would help him realize that he was trying to juggle way too many things at once--at the expense of his wellbeing, no less. It would be wiser to focus on the most important things, the non-negotiables.  
  
There was a long pause. It was one of those silences that made you hold your breath. He let out a sigh that kind of sounded like a chuckle, then approached me with a memo.  
  
“I need fresh basil, sun-dried tomatoes, and enough guanciale to last through dinner tonight.” He placed the piece of paper between his index finger and middle finger and pointed it toward me.  
  
“...Excuse me?” I asked, dumbfounded.  
  
“That’s the address to the market. Ask for Emilia.” He pointed to the paper in my hand.  
  
Suddenly, I understood that he was willing to take a chance on me. “Thank you, sir!”  
  
“Let’s see what you’re made of, son.”  
  
\--  
  
“All right, Shogo. What is it?” Mr. Leto called me back to the present. “Are you in some kind of trouble again?”  
  
I couldn’t help but feel slightly guilty. Was I that guy, the one that only calls when he needs help? “I’m sorry, sir. I had been meaning to call to see how you were doing.”  
  
His knowing chuckle reached my ears. “You misunderstand me, son. You’re nothing but trouble,” he joked.  
  
“You know me well,” I laughed back.  
  
“So, what is it? I wouldn’t be asking you if I didn’t care to help.”  
  
I sighed, relieved and full of gratitude. “Sir, do you remember Shibata Riina?”  
  
“Why, of course I do,” he replied without hesitation. “What about her?”  
  
“Uh, have you heard how she’s doing lately?” I chose my words carefully.  
  
“Unfortunately, the last I heard about her was several years ago. Mateo called to tell me she had given up on becoming a chef.”  
  
“...She what?”  
  
This news came as a genuine shock. While I didn’t know her relationship with Sho, I did know she was a cooking prodigy. She joined Mr. Leto’s team at just 17 years old, straight out of high school. Although we only overlapped for a year during our respective apprenticeships, she advanced exponentially quicker than I did and was entrusted with all appetizers in just six months. What took me couple years, she did in mere months. She was a force to be reckoned with, and for a while, I felt threatened by her presence. Mr. Leto swore off further apprenticeships after her. He said quite plainly that no other protégé was worth nurturing.  
  
“Truly lamentable. I had such high hopes for her,” Mr. Leto grieved.  
  
“What is she doing, then?” It was an honest question.  
  
“That, I don’t know. If I could get in touch with her, I would take her back under my wing.” His voice was full of disappointment, perhaps at her, perhaps at himself.  
  
“She would have been known as one of the world’s greatests had she continued her course,” I agreed. “I’m discouraged to hear the news.”  
  
Mr. Leto cleared his throat. “Are you still keeping in touch with Mateo? He may have more answers.”  
  
I sighed apologetically. “It seems I’m awful at this sort of thing.”  
  
“Let me give you his contact information. I don’t know why you’re asking about Riina, but I’ll help you as much as I can if your goal is to get in touch with her.”  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
“Hello, Mateo? This is Ban Shogo. I got your number from Mr. Leto.”  
  
Like the call before, there was a brief pause, then, “Ban! How’s it goin’, buddy?”  
  
We made small talk for a bit. He was owner and chef of Bocca Felice, a well-known restaurant partnering with Samejima Hotels, the largest hotel empire in Japan. Needless to say, he was doing pretty well, and even informed me--without any prompting--that he was seeing a ‘beautiful Japanese girl who he hit on in a crowded train.’ That was the thing about Mateo; I don’t think I’ve ever seen him single.  
  
“So, what’s this call about?”  
  
Like Mr. Leto, Mateo sensed it out of me. He and I began our apprenticeship around the same time so we naturally became each other’s confidantes. I’d tell him about Japan and he’d listen and ask questions with a glimmer in his eye. He vowed to himself that he would one day make it as an Italian chef in Japan. Though I hadn’t spoken to him in years, that simple question brought me back to our days in Italy. A wave of nostalgia hit me.  
  
“I’m sorry I’ve been out of touch,” I admitted regrettably.  
  
“The same could be said about me. Don’t feel bad,” he reassured. “But, I know you well enough to know you didn’t call to apologize.”  
  
“Yeah…” I sighed defeatedly. “I’m calling to ask you about Shibata Riina.”  
  
“Wow, Riina…! I haven’t spoken to her in years!”  
  
Unsurprisingly, they had a fling in Italy, just a few months before his apprenticeship ended. Honestly, he was my last hope. If he didn’t know what Shibata has been up to, then I was out of luck. My search for answers would end here.  
  
“Do you know what she’s up to these days?”  
  
“Ah… I don’t know what happened, man. She could have been so great.” Mateo, too, sounded disappointed.  
  
“Mr. Leto sounded upset, too, when I talked to him. Why’d she quit?”  
  
“I’m not sure. Either she crushed under all that pressure or she made some bad life choices,” he sighed.  
  
I furrowed my eyebrows. “What do you mean?”  
  
“A few years ago, my buddies and I were looking for a good time. One of them suggested going to a hostess club.” He paused. “She’s changed so much, Ban.”  
  
_...What? A hostess club?_ As the words sank in, my mind began racing with hypotheses. Is that how she and Sho met? Why did she abandon a promising career as an Italian chef to tend to men? How does the kid fit into all this?  
  
“Her hair’s long and curly now. She wears so much makeup and has those fake nails, you know what I’m talking about? I barely recognized her. Anyway, I tried talking to her about it but she refused to tell me anything.”  
  
Indeed, her appearances had changed drastically. The down-to-earth girl I met in Italy was no more, but why? It seemed I was getting clues but none of the pieces belonged to the same puzzle.  
  
“Do you remember the name of the club?”  
  
“Uh… yeah, Maison de Beauté. In Roppongi. Why?”  
  
_Why? Sorry Mateo, I can’t tell you that._ “I was just hoping to reconnect, that’s all.”  
  
Suddenly, Mateo’s voice became playful. “What, is that why you called? In that case, I’ve got plenty of ladies to introduce to you if you want! Don’t be shy!”  
  
I clicked my tongue. “I don’t need any help with that, dude.”  
  
“Yeah, I know that,” he replied annoyed. “Easy for a heartthrob to say… wait. You mean to say…”  
  
“What?”  
  
“You’re actually seeing someone?!” His voice was full of excitement.  
  
“...What’s the big deal?” I replied coolly.  
  
“Are you kidding me?! You rejected every single confession throughout all your years in Italy. I mean, you were kind of famous for breaking hearts,” he explained ardently.  
  
Of course I did. None of them interested me. Besides, I wasn’t there to get laid; I was there to study.  
  
He continued, “I still remember the excuse you’d use to reject them: ‘I’m in love with someone.’ They believed it, but I still don’t.”  
  
“Not every dude is satisfied with any woman who takes the bait, Mateo.” I almost wished we were talking in person so he could see me roll my eyes.  
  
“Hold on. Wait, if that excuse was actually true, then…!” He seemed to connect the dots. “I’d love to meet her. And it’d be nice to see you again, too.”  
  
“I see I’m just an afterthought to you,” I chucked.  
  
He just laughed. “I’m happy for you, Ban. I gotta get going but don’t be a stranger, all right? Let’s meet up soon.”  
  
“Thanks, Mateo. That’s a promise.”  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
That night after closing up my restaurant, I headed toward Roppongi to find Shibata. I had to keep reminding myself that this was all for Nijishima, that the trouble was worth it. But, after the conversations I had with Mr. Leto and Mateo, I realized my initial intentions had changed. As much as I wanted to believe I was doing this solely for Nijishima’s benefit, I, too, wanted to know the truth. How do Sho and Shibata know each other, and why are they together? Is that their kid? How does Nijishima fit into all this? Was Sho the reason why Shibata abandoned her promising career as a chef? How would Nijishima feel if she found out I knew Shibata? Questions swirled around in my head, wandering aimlessly in search for answers. Even if my meddling could compromise my relationship with Nijishima, I knew that allowing something this serious to stew inside would eventually work against me, anyway. I found a nearby lot and parked my car there before heading toward Maison de Beauté.  
  
Just as I reached the discreet entrance, the door opened as a drunken, middle-aged man stumbled out the door, laughing obnoxiously. Following close behind was a slender woman with her long curls styled into an elaborate updo. Her long, mauve-colored nails sparkled under the light and her fake eyelashes fluttered playfully as she escorted her client out the door and up the stairs to street level.  
  
“Thanks for coming to visit me again, Mr. Iida! I’m always really happy to see your name under my reservations,” she flirted.  
  
“Well, I _have_ to come back and see you now. You really have me in the palm of your hand, Kaon-chan!” The man replied, a filthy smile on his face.  
  
“It’s the truth!” She insisted. “See you again soon, okay?”  
  
She waved her pretty fingers and tilted her head coyly to one side for good measure. As the man turned and walked away, the smile on her face faded and a tired expression took its place. It looked as though the lights went out of her eyes; she was a weary soul hiding underneath a lively facade.  
  
“Excuse me?” I called to her.  
  
That same, flirtatious smile was back on her face the instant she looked my way. “Yes, sir? Are you looking for a good time?”  
  
“...Kaon-chan, is it?”  
  
“Oh, I’m sorry! Have you visited me before? Silly me, I…”  
  
Her eyes widened in terror. It seemed Shibata had finally realized to whom she had been speaking. She wanted to run, but I couldn’t let her. I had questions, and I knew she had the answers.


End file.
